Accomplishments Emotions

A Post For Those Who Pray

I don’t post much about religion. I don’t attend church regularly, nor do I read my Bible everyday. But I do believe that God is real though I am not particularly close to Him.

I grew up in church. In fact, my dad was a minister so I spent most of my childhood and teen years in church, bible studies, youth groups, etc. I sang in church and could look up a bible verse quicker than anyone I knew except Dad.

But somewhere along the line (actually, I know exactly where and why) church became something that I “used to do.” That was years ago, but in the last few months I’ve begun to think I should find a church home — and much more importantly, reconnect with God.
Tonight I was on my way home from Barnes & Noble, listening to the song that I posted a few minutes ago. And following that one, I heard this…

“As I’ve come to see the weakest side of me
I realize His grace is what I need.
When sin demanded justice for my soul,
Mercy said no,
I’m not gonna let you go.
I’m not gonna let you slip away,
You don’t have to be afraid.”

My life has been so awesome since I moved to New York exactly two years ago. And sometimes, okay — often times, it’s hard to credit what I have and where I am to God. It’s in these good times that I find it hardest to be humble. But as I was sitting in the darkness tonight, with no distractions, I realized that I wouldn’t be so happy and fulfilled if God had not afforded me the opportunities to pursue the desires of my heart.

I also realized that I serve many “gods” other than the one who created me. I love money. If you know me, you know I love quotes too. And one of my favorites is, “The best things in life are free; the second best are expensive.”

I give into fears (though I’ve come a long way with that one recently.)

And though I give to others and care for others, I put myself first a lot. I don’t think that’s all bad. In this weight loss process, I think it’s the only way you can be. But according to the Ten Commandments I should put “God first, others second and myself last” so I need to work on that one. See, Mom? I remember them…:)

I want to be the example of someone who loves God and has faith in Him in sad times as well as happy times. He totally deserves the glory for things that I’ve accomplished…and the things that have blessed me.

I also know that some of my friends are going through tough times right now. Amber posted a quote earlier that said “the will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot protect you.” I was astounded by her ability to put her faith in Him just like that.

God will protect her and comfort her through this time, right? And He wants to love us and be there for us regardless of the situations we’re in, right? And that includes me even though I say curse words…and even though I tell white lies to get out of things when it would be just as acceptable to tell the truth. (I’ve come a long way with this too.)

I want to be the kind of person who honors God, and I honestly don’t know where to start. I want to go to church though I find it terribly difficult to motivate myself to get up on Sunday mornings. And I don’t know where I’d go.

I know I’ve talked about what I want a lot in this post. And I’ll just mention one other thing I want. If you’re someone who prays…someone who believes in God and following His will and everything, then will you pray for me?

Pray that I can embrace God in my own life…and that I can be less bitter towards church and organized religion. Because while I’ve come a long way in forgiving in the last several years, I know that Jesus loved the ones who hurt Him too. And He forgave. He did not judge. And He made the ultimate sacrifice so I could spend eternity with Him in spite of myself. I would like to live a life that is pleasing to Him…so pray that I can start to do that, will you please?

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  • Reply
    Chrissy MacCEO
    October 14, 2009 at 11:08 am

    I literally have tears in my eyes. I feel the exact same way that you do. But I am questioning so much these last few years that I just don't know how to get rid of that. What a beautiful post!!

  • Reply
    Heather's Hacienda
    October 14, 2009 at 11:30 am

    I have so been EXACTLY where you are right now. It is such a hard place to be in. I too grew up in church as my Dad is a Minister of Music. There came a point in college where I just didn't want to go anymore. It really saddened me. I never lost my faith in God just the people that were suppose to be representing him the most. Now that I am older and have a family I have come to realize that no matter what the other people do in the church, YOU are the example for the ones you love and for your own life. My children and I have talks about how people act at church and how maybe their actions are not always pleasing to God EVEN when at church. We are not perfect. And if we were we wouldn't NEED God in our lives.

    I say just start visiting churches. That is where I started. I went to a different church every Sunday and if I really liked one I went to that church two Sundays in a row. I have to say that we are still looking for the church that fits our family best. But we still try to go every Sunday.

    It is a hard journey. But a journey that I know you can find your way back to. I have heard great things about this book It might be a good place to start!!!

    Praying for you everyday!!

  • Reply
    October 14, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    I could have written something exactly like this. Its hard when something you valued so much burns you. I'm so happy for you in taking the first step.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  • Reply
    Divine Mrs D
    October 14, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    I felt this way too. In college. But you know, He always calls us back. And He always does it when we're ready.

    If you're interested, Donald Miller's book, 'Blue Like Jazz' really put things into perspective for me. That we aren't perfect and we probably never will be, but that we're always a work-in-progress.

    And…if you're ever interested, the church I had mentioned before has bi-weekly Thursday night services. The next one is at 7pm on October 22nd. And I think that both Redeemer and The Journey have services on days other than Sunday.

    You're in my prayers!! 🙂

  • Reply
    ~ Dawn ~
    October 14, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    I too have tears in my eyes. I know exactly where you are at. I had to let go and let God. I have been wanting a close relationship with him and recently I turned my life over to him. I don't always go to church, I am still learning my way around the bible but I have taken the 1 most important step….trusting in him and letting go of my life and giving it to him. the rest will fall into place. I am praying for you!

  • Reply
    October 14, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    I too grew up in church. I had perfect attendance in Sunday school and all. But for many reasons I have not continued to go to church and have struggled with many faith issues. I married a good little catholic boy who attends church every week and my 3 kids are being raised catholic. I'm getting the questions from my oldest about why I don't attend. Its getting harder and harder to dodge his questions with whitty remarks. I'm sure you will find something that is right for you.

    By the way, I've been enjoying your blog and have nominated you for the Best Blog Award. Visit me over at to accept!

  • Reply
    Your Dad
    October 14, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    You serve God in spite of people.

  • Reply
    -:¦:-In His Grip -:¦:- Loni
    October 15, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    Thank you for sharing! You have encouraged me this day 😀

  • Reply
    -:¦:-In His Grip -:¦:- Loni
    October 15, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    Thank you for sharing! You have encouraged me this day 😀

  • Reply
    October 16, 2009 at 6:11 am

    You always touch me… I'm moved by your bravery and humility!!! Our Heavenly Father loves you… and will welcome you back whenever you are ready! Good for you in holding onto any of your faith! People make it hard to believe in Him… and hard to want to serve Him the way we should, but you still can. I with you luck and love and will pray for you! Listen… Heavenly Father will whisper, and touch your heart with everything you need!

  • Reply
    October 18, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    I've been praying lots for you, just this morning God led me to pray for you!

    Have you looked into any churches in the area that might have Saturday or Sunday evening worship? That might be a good route to start with?! Then you'd still have your Sunday mornings!

  • Reply
    Deb Willbethin
    October 23, 2009 at 3:34 am

    hi, Kenz! I am so sorry that I missed this post until now! You are certainly in my prayers. The bottom line is–It's about Jesus. It's not about organized religion or other Christians. It's about the One who loved us enough to die for us. The good news is–you know that. 🙂 Welcome home. Deb

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