Garbage

If you know me then you know I’m pretty good at eating the things I should eat, but you also know that I eat unhealthy things from time to time. And that is definitely what I did tonight. I’m not talking a little junk food…I’m talking about pizza, garlic knots and chocolate chip cookies.

Throughout the day I ate very little. Food has not been appealing in several days because I’ve been sick. But I surely made up for it by eating this garbage tonight. Shortly before dinner, I did 50 minutes of cardio with my girlfriend, Carol so I had burned a few hundred calories and was feeling good.
Then, for some ridiculous reason, I ate pizza. And not just a slice (which is perfectly acceptable from time to time.) I ate three, count it folks, three slices of pizza. Two were small and one was, um, gigantic. I also ate two garlic knots and three chocolate chip cookies that I baked for my boyfriend. I don’t even like chocolate chip cookies that much so why did I do that?
I’ve had about an hour and a half to think on this. I have been on the treadmill obsessing about the fact that this isn’t something that I usually do. Generally speaking, I am not a binge eater. But I think I’ve come to a conclusion. I think I rewarded myself for hitting a big milestone last night. But that’s not all.
As I was eating, Boyfriend and I were talking about long term, healthy living. And I said that I believe I’m losing weight so steadily — and that I have the best chance to keep it off forever — because I eat unhealthy things from time to time. I don’t have pizza every time I want it, but once in a while, I do. And this has worked well over the last several months because I lose weight without feeling totally deprived.
I’ve mentioned in other posts that the things I crave have changed. And that is the truth. But I still like pizza. And I know at some point — certainly not in the next month or two though — I’ll eat it again. But I will remind myself that I actually enjoy it in moderation. I do not, however, enjoy it when I eat way too much of it. Instead, I feel guilty and full of remorse.
But I’ve done what I can do to balance it out. I just completed my second hour or cardio this evening, and burned several hundred calories. I’m also committed to eating well through the weekend and during the week. The bottom line is that I’m happier when I eat well.
I hope the damages won’t be great when I step on the scale Thursday. But if they are, we’ll know that it’s because I did not do all I could do to reach my goal. I know that when I eat balanced healthy meals and exercise I lose. I’ve proven that to myself in the last several months.
Now, I forgive myself. I’m going to let it go. And starting now, I am going to return to my regularly scheduled healthy living habits. And the results will be great. There will be no “oh, I ate like crap today so I screwed up..might as well eat crap again today, etc.” It started this evening, and it ended this evening. And that’s what gives me confidence in the fact that I can do this.
Do you feel guilty when you eat garbage instead of healthy foods? When you eat poorly do you exercise more to balance it out?

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8 Comments

  • Reply
    Deb Willbethin
    January 23, 2010 at 3:35 am

    Well, as you know from my recent post…and past posts…and tweets–falling off of the Highway to Thin is something I am quite familiar with. The fact is, if I handled an indulgence the way you are–I believe that I would have had fewer of them, and what I did have would have been less severe. You go, girl! Deb

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  • Reply
    ♥ Kenz ♥
    January 23, 2010 at 3:38 am

    Thank you Deb! I can always count on you for encouragement, and I consider myself lucky. I am, indeed, having a cup of tea right now…

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  • Reply
    Sarah
    January 23, 2010 at 3:52 am

    You and I are at different points in this journey and I want to preface my comment by saying, I have been EXACTLY where you are this evening. On track, making it work, being successful, pushing past illness and then seemingly blowing it. You end up beating yourself up and getting back on the treadmill for another hour when your body could probably use the rest and the calories you just gave it.

    So here is how I see it from where I sit.

    I can't feel guilt. I need to be able to live with food not feel weighed down by it if I eat something that might be thought of as garbage. Life is about moderation… occasionally there will be pizza and cookies and garlic knots, but if I started to feel guilty about it… I can't think of a faster way to put the weight back on. It's okay to still have these things & even want these things, but where it gets tricky is not having too much of these things. Accepting that this non healthy stuff that has made you heavy can still maybe have a place is your life is scary, especially when you have been in such control over your eating. It was hard for me to make peace with that. However I think carrying guilt is even harder. It's such a negative, leads to feeling poorly about yourself and beating yourself over 1500 calories is not productive. I'm not always going to be perfect, I've had to learn how to accept that without obsessing over it. I allow myself to get annoyed about having too much, but guilt is not something I ever want to feel again about something I put in my mouth.

    And to follow up to your second question… no I don't balance it out with exercise. I balance it out with smarter food choices the next day. My body doesn't allow for 2 hours of cardio a day, but even if it did– I think I'd rather not eat the cookie. Again, it's about saying no. Learning that, trusting yourself to know that you can say no and also yes and not feel out of control is a lesson I am sure you will learn.

    I hope you are feeling better Kenz!

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  • Reply
    Absolutely Positively
    January 23, 2010 at 4:18 am

    hello! just recently started following your blog because i enjoy reading about your life and weight-loss sucess! i am especially receptive to your post tonight, as i binged (big, BIG time) a few hours ago. i recently lost 27 pounds, thanks in part to gallstones. had surgery in december, and gained six pounds over the holidays. now, i'm in the throes of getting back to living right.
    like i told Deb, i am sorry for all your binges, but it's good to know i am not the only person on earth whose done it. i read your progress, and it's the proof i need that it is possible to get back on the wagon and do this.
    feel better soon!

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  • Reply
    Beth P.
    January 23, 2010 at 4:47 am

    I think that anything in moderation is fine. This is coming from someone just starting out on her journey, but it is truly how I feel. I am not a good dieter, never have been, never will be, so I like to look at how I can make the things I want to eat better for me, so to speak. So, when I want that pizza, instead of having the three or four pieces I could've downed even less than a year ago, I have one or MAYBE two if they're smaller, then work a little bit harder. I just can't NOT eat something.

    I think you will be fine and you should try to get rid of the guilt. You remorse for the situation pushed you to do right by yourself. That is a lot more than other people might do.

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  • Reply
    ♥Amber Filkins♥
    January 23, 2010 at 4:47 am

    I'm eating junk right now. Right now. And while I care, right now I don't care. I do, but not enough. I feel horrible though. And I'm not going to exercise like a mad woman {just a saying!!} to work it off. I'm going to lay on the couch, in my quiet house, home alone on a Friday night, and veg. And then I'm going to go climb into bed. That's how I feel about that.

    :/

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  • Reply
    ♥Amber Filkins♥
    January 23, 2010 at 4:48 am

    I'm super proud of you for writing this post. And I think you are doing wonderfully. You inspire me. I might even go back to WW.

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  • Reply
    Stacey
    January 23, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    I fully believe you have already found the key to success! 1. Knowing that you can eat foods you want in moderation 2. Not beating yourself up and then continuing to eat bad because you already ate bad.

    Kenz- I just found your blog within the last week. I am completely inspired each time I leave here. I struggle with my weight and body image. I went to WW 8 years ago. I made it to my goal. But since then I have slowly gained it all back and then a little more…simply because I haven't instilled the two keys you already have in place. I have too often tried to lose weight, screw up, and then throw in the towel because I get that 'I blew it' mentality. I have that all or nothing mentality. I flip flop between obsession and full out neglect of my body. I am trying to find that balance. And I know I will, it is just going to take time and the ability to offer my self some grace. Thank you for your honesty and encouragement.

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