Growth? Maybe? A Little?

*No blog post should ever be this long. Sorry about that. I just have a few things to get off my chest.*
My blog post yesterday received more comments than any post I’ve ever written. Hey! 21 comments is a lot for me! 😉 And that makes me happy because I know that I can be myself and still be accepted by friends, loved ones and strangers. Yesterday you all showed me that it is okay to put it all out there — that my honesty is appreciated and that it is not a reason for me to be mocked.

Well, in keeping with the honest approach on this blog, I have to say that I have not always been so “brave and honest” and forthcoming. I struggled for a few long years to accept myself and allow others the opportunity to do that. And when I finally did it, some accepted me and some did not.

(These people totally accept me which is awesome because they are awesome.)

I wasted a lot of time wishing I was someone that I was not instead of becoming the person I wanted to be. And while I haven’t given it much thought in ages, I think it’s important to come clean about that for myself because I truly want to be the honest, sincere and encouraging person that so many of you have been gracious enough to call me.

My blog posts are generally pretty upbeat because that is the person I am today, but it was a struggle to get here…a hard struggle. There was definitely a time in my life in which I was not the happy-go-lucky, can’t wait to exercise and eat some cucumbers person that I am now. But this is obvious, no? After all, if I had chosen to eat a cucumber or grape tomatoes while downing 80 ounces of water per day, I wouldn’t be writing this kind of blog now.
That being said, there were some pretty significant extenuating circumstances that led me to this path of ridiculous weight gain, but there’s a fine line between reasons and excuses. And I’m not interested in defining it. I think it’s more important to concentrate on what I’m doing now to change it. And that’s why you’ll rarely hear me complaining about exercise or skipping a piece of cake. At this point, I am just so happy that I have a body that allows for strenuous exercise (at least in my estimation) that I don’t mind skipping pizza most of the time or eating grilled chicken instead of fried chicken.
Wow…I know how to digress, don’t I? Anyway, at a couple of different times in my life I wasn’t sure that I would live to see my 30th birthday (which is coming up much, much later this year. hehe) I actually remember precise moments when I imagined what my life could be like while I was resigned to thinking it would probably never happen. I couldn’t see into the future. I was depressed and lonely and defeated.  And I was scared.
Last night I had a dream about a person I used to know named ‘Judd.’ He has not even crossed my mind in months. I actually made a conscious effort to finally forget him one night well over a year ago, in the middle of a big, open field in Tennessee after pining over him far too long. But last night, he appeared in my dreams, and he’s been in my head all day. He is an adorable, gorgeous, tall, brillian guy, did I mention gorgeous guy who lives far  away from New York.  We met online, and it has been ages since we spoke, but  I got to know him on a very personal level over time. We learned each other’s likes and dislikes, but I didn’t share much more of the truth. I hid behind masks because I wanted him to want me, and I loved how he made me feel. He was an all-American dream.  Looking back, I truly believed that I loved him, at least in my own selfish way. So instead of being myself and allowing him the opportunity to accept that or not accept that, I gave in to my ‘Judd addiction’ and tried to make myself appear to be perfect and lovely. I misrepresented myself (even though he knew I was full of it) instead of just growing into the person that I desperately wanted to be – the person who would have been good enough to love an intelligent,  gorgeous, intelligent man. And when we try to hide who we are, we always stumble. I stumbled.
I missed an opportunity to have ‘Judd’ in my world. Even after I treated him so horribly, he offered to be my friend.  And today I thought about what I’ve missed. I even missed the opportunity to properly apologize to him because I was so busy worrying about what everyone thought of me. And at that time, I really should have been more worried about what I thought of me. I should have been concerned that I wanted to be someone else rather than the person I was created to be. I should have realized much sooner that life is what you make it. And that I had the power to make it an amazing and rich experience.
And while ‘Judd’ will probably never get a proper apology from me, I can honestly say that I’m sorry now. I’m sorry that I wasted even a single day (God knows I wasted a lot more than that) wishing I could be different. Wishes are important, but they don’t really matter until they become goals. And in the last couple of years, my wishes have become goals, and many goals have become accomplishments.
I think that’s why I can concentrate on weight-loss now. I honestly believe that I can make it to my ultimate goal because I forgive myself now…I love myself now…And I no longer apologize to myself for what I am. Instead, I thank God and my family and my friends for helping me become the person I am now. I believe I can do anything I want to do, and the proof already stares me in the face every time I see my reflection in a mirror. It’s only going to get better.

*Judd’s name is not really Judd.  I just don’t want to use his real name because it’s uncommon.*

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14 Comments

  • Reply
    Deb Willbethin
    January 14, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Wow. You're on a roll, girlfriend. And, a profound roll at that.

    You said, "I wasted a lot of time wishing I was someone I wasn't instead of becoming the person I wanted to be." Later in the post, you added the phrase, "created to be."

    I'm so glad you decided the real you deserved your efforts. The person you were created to be is wonderful–we are blessed to have you.

    And, you know, a hurt is never wasted. What you have experienced and its sequelae will have a lasting and positive impact. If you haven't already, some day you will look back and say, "Ohhhh, that has equipped me for this…"

    God is good.

    Deb

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  • Reply
    Beth P.
    January 14, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Beautiful post! It is nice to hear someone say they love who they are even though they want to improve on it. I think it is important to acknowledge that we are always changing, whether it be physically or mentally or spiritually or whatever, and the reality is we only have control over that if we make the effort and choice to do so. You are going to reach your goals and it will be amazing.

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  • Reply
    Sheila
    January 14, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Kenz – I just recently started following your blog and I absolutely LOVE you! I love the positive outlook you have on life and how encouraging you are! Thank you! 🙂
    And I can't believe I'm blogging with someone who lives in New York! That is SOOO far from little Oklahoma! LOL!

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  • Reply
    Heather B.
    January 14, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Incredibly amazing. There are not many people that will admit out loud or on the internet for that matter, their faults. You are such a great inspiration for everyone. I am glad that you feel comfortable enough with all of us to share your life! You have no idea how many people you are helping. Me included!! xoxox

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  • Reply
    Becca
    January 14, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Wow- way to go- awesome job in realizing who your WERE and how far you have come to change that. I am sincerely impressed.

    I hope you have a fantastic day- it is raining and cold here in Austin…but not as cold as it is in NYC!!!!

    ~Becca

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  • Reply
    Cheryl
    January 14, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    I think most of us love it when we read blog posts that are transparent and honest, it kind of helps us let our own guard down and just be ourselves. I have found that whenever I just put myself out there in all my imperfectness that I feel happier too. And, we grow more quickly into new and more self aware people. Who knew? Glad I stumbed upon your blog!

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  • Reply
    Rhonda
    January 14, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Kenz you are on a roll. I love how you are being real and raw. You have let your wings out and you are soaring. I thought to myself the other day. You are on your way girl. You are accepeted and loved.

    I am curious what Amber was saying about some good news you will be sharing???? Hmmmm, my interest is peaked. ;o)

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  • Reply
    Sarah
    January 14, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    I have been following you for a few months and I'm always excited to see what you are doing and how far you've come! I think it takes a lot to put yourself out there like you have.

    I think we have all been in your spot at some point or another. We all have insecurities, extra weight or not. I'm glad you've found a happier place in your life and are striving to be a person you like!

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  • Reply
    {ALL} for a Better Life
    January 14, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    Found you through Deb's blog and so glad I did. I could have written this post, even have my own 'Judd' – sigh!

    So glad you love yourself and I look forward to sharing this journey with you!

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  • Reply
    Nicolasa
    January 15, 2010 at 12:01 am

    This is my kind of post! I love when people put it all out there! For some reason we (society) are told to keep these thoughts in our heads and only appear as happy go lucky because if we don't, it's not right and no one wants to hear it. Not true! By saying things like this, you allow others to come out and say they feel the same way, or you inspire them to be real as well.

    Thanks for sharing!

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  • Reply
    Nicolle B
    January 15, 2010 at 1:39 am

    Great Post!

    We all have issues that we are insecure about, it's how we go about them that helps us grow.

    "When we lose twenty pounds… we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty" Woody Allen

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  • Reply
    HouseMama
    January 15, 2010 at 5:07 am

    Hi – I'm just stopping in from Amber's blog. What an awesome job you're doing!!! What an encouragement you are to the gals who read your blog. Keep it up!!!

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  • Reply
    Stacey
    January 15, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    Oh, how I admire your openness and authenticity!! I found you through Becca's blog, and I will be back again and again. Your comment about 'wasting time wishing you were someone you weren't' really strikes a chord with me. For a while, I have been trying to discover who I really am instead of creating the person I think others want me to be.

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  • Reply
    Funnyrunner
    January 15, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Hey, Kenz. Know what? I think in a year you'll be ready to train for and run a marathon. Seriously. I'll give you all the help you need. I'm SO proud of you!

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