I wasted a lot of time wishing I was someone that I was not instead of becoming the person I wanted to be. And while I haven’t given it much thought in ages, I think it’s important to come clean about that for myself because I truly want to be the honest, sincere and encouraging person that so many of you have been gracious enough to call me.
My blog posts are generally pretty upbeat because that is the person I am today, but it was a struggle to get here…a hard struggle. There was definitely a time in my life in which I was not the happy-go-lucky, can’t wait to exercise and eat some cucumbers person that I am now. But this is obvious, no? After all, if I had chosen to eat a cucumber or grape tomatoes while downing 80 ounces of water per day, I wouldn’t be writing this kind of blog now.
That being said, there were some pretty significant extenuating circumstances that led me to this path of ridiculous weight gain, but there’s a fine line between reasons and excuses. And I’m not interested in defining it. I think it’s more important to concentrate on what I’m doing now to change it. And that’s why you’ll rarely hear me complaining about exercise or skipping a piece of cake. At this point, I am just so happy that I have a body that allows for strenuous exercise (at least in my estimation) that I don’t mind skipping pizza most of the time or eating grilled chicken instead of fried chicken.
Wow…I know how to digress, don’t I? Anyway, at a couple of different times in my life I wasn’t sure that I would live to see my 30th birthday (which is coming up much, much later this year. hehe) I actually remember precise moments when I imagined what my life could be like while I was resigned to thinking it would probably never happen. I couldn’t see into the future. I was depressed and lonely and defeated. And I was scared.
Last night I had a dream about a person I used to know named ‘Judd.’ He has not even crossed my mind in months. I actually made a conscious effort to finally forget him one night well over a year ago, in the middle of a big, open field in Tennessee after pining over him far too long. But last night, he appeared in my dreams, and he’s been in my head all day. He is an adorable, gorgeous, tall, brillian guy, did I mention gorgeous guy who lives far away from New York. We met online, and it has been ages since we spoke, but I got to know him on a very personal level over time. We learned each other’s likes and dislikes, but I didn’t share much more of the truth. I hid behind masks because I wanted him to want me, and I loved how he made me feel. He was an all-American dream. Looking back, I truly believed that I loved him, at least in my own selfish way. So instead of being myself and allowing him the opportunity to accept that or not accept that, I gave in to my ‘Judd addiction’ and tried to make myself appear to be perfect and lovely. I misrepresented myself (even though he knew I was full of it) instead of just growing into the person that I desperately wanted to be – the person who would have been good enough to love an intelligent, gorgeous, intelligent man. And when we try to hide who we are, we always stumble. I stumbled.
I missed an opportunity to have ‘Judd’ in my world. Even after I treated him so horribly, he offered to be my friend. And today I thought about what I’ve missed. I even missed the opportunity to properly apologize to him because I was so busy worrying about what everyone thought of me. And at that time, I really should have been more worried about what I thought of me. I should have been concerned that I wanted to be someone else rather than the person I was created to be. I should have realized much sooner that life is what you make it. And that I had the power to make it an amazing and rich experience.
And while ‘Judd’ will probably never get a proper apology from me, I can honestly say that I’m sorry now. I’m sorry that I wasted even a single day (God knows I wasted a lot more than that) wishing I could be different. Wishes are important, but they don’t really matter until they become goals. And in the last couple of years, my wishes have become goals, and many goals have become accomplishments.
I think that’s why I can concentrate on weight-loss now. I honestly believe that I can make it to my ultimate goal because I forgive myself now…I love myself now…And I no longer apologize to myself for what I am. Instead, I thank God and my family and my friends for helping me become the person I am now. I believe I can do anything I want to do, and the proof already stares me in the face every time I see my reflection in a mirror. It’s only going to get better.
*Judd’s name is not really Judd. I just don’t want to use his real name because it’s uncommon.*