Few people on this earth could possibly understand how I’m feeling right now, but I have to talk about it anyway. I feel bad. On an average day, you’ll see me with a big grin on my face, excited about this or that and happy with myself. But today I’m not feeling it. Today I’m feeling like someone I don’t even know.
I’ve lost 77 pounds in the last several months, and it is still nearly impossible to find clothes that are flattering. I still have no defined style because if it fits well, I wear it. The pretty outfits that I see in the window even when I walk by plus-size stores are still outfits that I cannot always wear. And today, I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to tell the folks at Lane Bryant and Avenue to screw off. I want to feel normal.
But none of those things will happen today – except maybe the crying part. The rest doesn’t matter. The rest is just part of a bad day that I wish I could skip over to get to the next good one. But I realize that on this journey to change my life, I can’t be afraid of the bad days. I can’t let those dictate what I really believe about myself.
I still don’t like my body, but I do love who I am. And I recognize a few physical changes that have begun to show, and I do know, without a doubt, that if I continue doing what I’m doing there will be a day (soon) in which I can walk into a store and leave with something pretty that I chose because it’s flattering and feminine and because I want it.
When I left Avenue this afternoon, whose current clothing lines could be described as cheap and dumpy at best, I headed straight for the gym. I jumped on the treadmill and worked myself into a long, hard sweat. I took my frustrations out on unwanted calories and they burned.
I still don’t feel cheery and lovely, but I do feel something that I didn’t feel on days like these before I started losing weight. I feel hope. I feel happy about the future because I’m making it what I want it to be. And I feel comfort because I while I may feel frustrated today, I know that it’s temporary. And I know that I have made the changes that I need to make to feel good about myself in the long run. I just have to keep working so my body can continue to catch up.
I know that big life changes can take a long time. And patience has never been one of my virtues, but I’m in this for the long haul. And I refuse to give in to these feelings of inadequacy because I know how far I’ve come. I am the master of my own attitude.