Avenue Clothing Discipline Lifestyle Reflection weight loss

Long Road…

Few people on this earth could possibly understand how I’m feeling right now, but I have to talk about it anyway. I feel bad. On an average day, you’ll see me with a big grin on my face, excited about this or that and happy with myself. But today I’m not feeling it. Today I’m feeling like someone I don’t even know.

I’ve lost 77 pounds in the last several months, and it is still nearly impossible to find clothes that are flattering. I still have no defined style because if it fits well, I wear it. The pretty outfits that I see in the window even when I walk by plus-size stores are still outfits that I cannot always wear. And today, I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to tell the folks at Lane Bryant and Avenue to screw off. I want to feel normal.
But none of those things will happen today – except maybe the crying part. The rest doesn’t matter. The rest is just part of a bad day that I wish I could skip over to get to the next good one. But I realize that on this journey to change my life, I can’t be afraid of the bad days. I can’t let those dictate what I really believe about myself.
I still don’t like my body, but I do love who I am. And I recognize a few physical changes that have begun to show, and I do know, without a doubt, that if I continue doing what I’m doing there will be a day (soon) in which I can walk into a store and leave with something pretty that I chose because it’s flattering and feminine and because I want it.
When I left Avenue this afternoon, whose current clothing lines could be described as cheap and dumpy at best, I headed straight for the gym. I jumped on the treadmill and worked myself into a long, hard sweat. I took my frustrations out on unwanted calories and they burned.
I still don’t feel cheery and lovely, but I do feel something that I didn’t feel on days like these before I started losing weight. I feel hope. I feel happy about the future because I’m making it what I want it to be. And I feel comfort because I while I may feel frustrated today, I know that it’s temporary. And I know that I have made the changes that I need to make to feel good about myself in the long run. I just have to keep working so my body can continue to catch up.
I know that big life changes can take a long time. And patience has never been one of my virtues, but I’m in this for the long haul. And I refuse to give in to these feelings of inadequacy because I know how far I’ve come. I am the master of my own attitude.

Related Posts

19 Comments

  • Reply
    Foodie McBody
    January 30, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Kenz, I love you for your honesty, your tenacy, your keep goingness. YES you are master of your own attitude. I admire you so much. What a great choice you made to sweat out your frustrations. How "easy" it would have been to make a different, much less healthy choice…

    I'm with you here, for better or worse. Thank you for showing up on your bad day. You're not alone.
    oxoxo

  • Reply
    Foodie McBody
    January 30, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    Damn. Edited too late. I meant "tenacity."

  • Reply
    {ALL} for a Better Life
    January 30, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    OH hon, I so know how you feel. I love your outlook on this and you definitely are entitled to a bad day here and there. One thing that really stuck out for me was that you said you had "hope" – love that!

    I think that is what keeps me going as well – hope!

  • Reply
    Cheri
    January 30, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    I just started reading your blog and want you to know you're not alone. And thank you for your posts that remind me that I am not alone either. The feelings you and I have are normal. And the hope, if we hang on to it, is sure!

  • Reply
    Diz
    January 30, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    Kenz- I still remember the first post of yours that I ever read- one where you were going on an airplane and you had anxiety about flying, but you had to do it and you did it. I will never forget that post because it really touched me. It was so heartfelt that I immediately started following you because you weren't afraid to speak the truth, and I knew then (as I know now) that someone who will tell it like it really is, is rare and precious. And you have not disappointed in any of your following posts.

    Believe it or not, all of us have these days, even my skinniest friends feel this way sometimes. It's life! Shopping- while it's one of my favorite past times, can also be so brutal for me too at times. But you deserve a huge applause for recognizing that it is only temporary and fighting back by going to the gym. That is so huge!

    My favorite line in this post is: "I took my frustrations out on unwanted calories and they burned." It's perfect! It pinpoints everything you have become- a woman who does not give up. A woman who fights back. A woman who burns back! I love it!

    I just want you to know I love you. You are loved by so many people, thank you for your honesty. 🙂

    D

  • Reply
    Tzoules
    January 30, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    I agree with u.great text!!!

    hope u follow me & visit me sooon.

  • Reply
    Sarah
    January 31, 2010 at 12:09 am

    I've had these days. I'm sorry today was such a disappointment at the mall, way to go channeling that into exercise. I never felt like I had a sense of personal style either… I tried, but again, if it fit properly I bought it. It wasn't until I started fitting into "normal" sized clothes that I really was able to define my style and it's because of the weight loss actually, but probably not the way you think, that I dress the way I do now. What you experienced today WILL get better. There are shopping successes in your future. There will be tears of joy in the fitting room but also tears of frustration. All women struggle (well those who care) with finding clothes that fit. I still have some issues with it, but I just keep looking. Seems to me you also love to shop… and will embrace the challenges your body presents. Just keep at it, there are cute outfits in your future and as you recognized, you have to work in the now to get to the future!

  • Reply
    Mae Flowers
    January 31, 2010 at 12:14 am

    I know exactly how you feel. It is really hard to find flattering clothes in the plus size section. But you have come so far and you will get the point where you can walk in any store and fit in whatever you want! Keep your head up, you're going in the right direction!

  • Reply
    Mellisa Rock
    January 31, 2010 at 12:20 am

    I hope that these comments are enough to cheer your spirits until you can go to bed and start a better day tomorrow. Your kinda like my online biggest loser…I have watched that show every season since it's conception — That first weigh in is always my favorite…it the moment where they make the connection that diet and and exercise can change their lives – that they are in control of their weight by what they put their bodies through and what they consume!

    I am so glad that you took your frustrations out on your calories — You are such an inspiration!!

  • Reply
    Rhonda
    January 31, 2010 at 12:26 am

    Hang in there Kenlie! You have done awesome. We all have those days, but I love how you attacked your feelings by sweating them out and being honest. Tomorrow is a new day! Hugs!

  • Reply
    lynne [jaygirl]
    January 31, 2010 at 12:48 am

    i have had so many days like this, and im sorry that today is your day. your doing such an awesome, awesome job. i realize that it didn't take a day to put all this on and it isn't leaving any quicker. but when you get to the day that you've been longing for, how happy you will be when you look back at your journey and see all you have accomplished. chin up, your doing AWESOME!

  • Reply
    Deb Willbethin
    January 31, 2010 at 1:47 am

    Kenz, It's a good thing. Negative emotions must be felt–burying makes you seem okay for the moment, but if you do that, they'll come back to bite you when you least expect it. You're doing the right thing–recognizing your emotional pain and treating it with something other than food. Good job!

    I want to tell you something. Every time I look at one of your photos, I think the same thing. I think, "This girl is beautiful." Really, truly, beautiful. A gorgious smile…bright eyes…well-shaped mouth–good forrehead–magnificent bone structure–a total package that adds up to beautiful.

    When you lose the layers that are covering up your body, you won't just be thin and healthy, you'll be totally stunning. I know it.

    Here are your words right back at you: "I just have to keep working so my body can continue to catch up." Yep,you do. It'll be worth it.

    Deb

  • Reply
    Absolutely Positively
    January 31, 2010 at 2:05 am

    Kenz, i haven't been reading you very long, but you're an ONGOING inspiration to me. i guess you hear that all the time, but being on blogger and reading about your weight loss and determination gives me a real, tangible sense of hope for my own goals.
    the fact that you turned to the gym to burn off your frustration instead of turning to food- now, i aspire to that, let me tell you!

  • Reply
    ♥ Kenz ♥
    January 31, 2010 at 2:17 am

    My goodness…by the time I got to Diz's post I was nearly in tears…and following that were so many more supportive and compassionate posts. This is precisely the reason why I blog. Thank you for being 'here' for me in the moments I need it most….you all are seriously the best…wow…I'm so humbled…thank you.

  • Reply
    Sarita
    January 31, 2010 at 2:48 am

    Kenz,
    I have been reading for several months. You encourage me more than any blog I read. I totally feel your pain. I am a size 26 on the bottom and 24 on the top. It is hard to find flattering things to wear and feel "normal". I'm not sure if this will help but I buy a lot of my clothes online from these places:

    http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/division.do?cid=5585

    http://www.alight.com

    http://www.torrid.com

    I find that the Old Navy clothes fit the best and they're stylish.
    Just know that you're not alone. You're right, it's a journey, not a moment. We're with you!!!

  • Reply
    ♥ Kenz ♥
    January 31, 2010 at 2:51 am

    Wow Sarita! Thank you for that post and for the information. I have a pair of pants and several shirts from Old Navy, but I've never purchased from the plus-size dept. online. I think it's time to try. I like Torrid too, and I'll check out Alight tonight..
    Thanks so much!

  • Reply
    BSS
    January 31, 2010 at 3:17 am

    I'm sorry you felt bad today 🙁

    I just want you to know that a lot of us look up to you because you've come so far!!

  • Reply
    KT
    January 31, 2010 at 8:43 am

    You know what is awesome? After leaving the store, you chose the gym instead of comfort food! That right there says a LOT!

  • Reply
    maranda
    February 1, 2010 at 2:12 am

    You are not alone, I don't live in a small town, but there is no stores that really have bigger size clothes. I hate going shopping because when I leave the store I always always hate myself for being so big. You have become such an inspiration to me since I discovered your site a couple weeks ago. You have given me the courage to start my on blog, so I can journal my journey.

  • Leave a Reply to ♥ Kenz ♥ Cancel reply

    %d bloggers like this: