Discrimination Emotions Friends Healthy Living Reflection

Still So Far To Go

I have accomplished so much in the last 13 months so why do I still feel the need to explain myself when I meet a stranger? Whether I meet someone through work or at a social function or via Twitter, I feel the need to share the fact that I chose to turn over a new, healthy leaf over a year ago.

It could be because while I absolutely know that I’ll reach my goal I’m still far from it. And when a stranger looks at me, they still see a person who is severely overweight. I fear rejection because let’s face it, no one likes it. People can still be cruel at times, but more often people are supportive and excited about the changes occurring in my life.

Regardless of others, I’m a little disappointed in myself and my need to prove to people that I’m worth getting to know. I shouldn’t have to joke about ‘being a good investment’ because if you listen to me talk or watch the way I carry myself then you’ll know that I’m worth getting to know.

I’m an open book, and I’m fortunate to have so many in my life who care the read my inner pages. But I face a daily struggle within myself to accept who I am – as I am today, making no apologies for the person I was or the person I’ve become.

I am a healthy, active, driven and sincere person who tries to give as much as I take in relationships. My body just needs (more) time to catch up with who I am inside. In the mean time, I’m thankful for the network of friends and family in my life who accept me – good and bad. I just want/need to continue learning to accept myself – faults and all.

Do you accept yourself the way you are? If so, did it take time or have you always been happy with yourself?

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  • Reply
    April 28, 2010 at 6:41 am

    A great question.

    I've made it easy to accept myself the way I am right now because I have such a closed social circle but honestly, no – right now I don't.

    I used to be very happy with myself and I often find myself "living in the past" – back when I was thin.

    I think part of my hesitation to accepted this new me is because I haven't figured out exactly who this new me is yet.

  • Reply
    April 28, 2010 at 7:19 am

    Wow. That is a great question. I've never really accepted myself, I've never really liked myself. I've always wanted to be someone else. I think that's why I've been so self-destructive for so long. That's what keeps me from changing – because this person I am now isn't really who I am, it's just a cover up, if that makes any sense at all. You are so positive and come across as so full of life! It's really inspiring to read your blog. Thanks!

  • Reply
    Beth P.
    April 28, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I think if you asked me that in person my answer would be yes, I do accept myself, but in reality I really don't and that denial is hurting me more than anything else. I continually tell myself everything is okay, but I know its not. I'm working on it now, I know where I want to be.

    Remember – strangers and people you've met online and such don't know how far you've come! You can tell them where you're going, but only you know how amazingly different you feel today!

  • Reply
    April 28, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    No. And I wonder when/if the day will come when I am totally at peace and happy with myself. In my yo-yo years, even when thin, I don't think I have been there. Sigh

  • Reply
    April 28, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    I think that's a tall order for anyone, weight problem or not, to accept oruselves for who we really are. We all have chips on our shoulders; it's must a matter of what the chip is…

  • Reply
    Losing Weight Daily
    April 28, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    No, not really. I've always struggled with a certain amount of self-loathing only for being fat. I respect myself and what I've accomplished and my newfound ability to be disciplined in this journey, and I'm startled at my recent results from finally metering my nutrition, but I'm not happy with myself yet. I think it's too new. I think when I can continue these successes for a while, break through another 6 week barrier, and actually hit major goals, I will begin to.

    I don't talk about my journey at all. It's hard even to discuss it with my fiance. I'm really impressed that you freely tell strangers about your journey and what you're working on – I don't tell anyone. In fact, I'm not even sure I want people to notice because if they finally notice, it means they'll notice if/when I fail again. Thankfully in New York, people often can't see past their mirrors so I have some time. 🙂 But it's a inner journey as much as it is a healthy, fitness, outer journey. And a big part of that is not expecting weight loss to fix everything, but to work on inner issues at the same time to truly emerge as something and someone new.

  • Reply
    April 28, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    I have recently gained a signifcant amount of weight due to medication. I am so hard on myself and feel as though I am not the same person I used to be. The other day a person I know but hadn't seen in a few years walked right past me, I felt like crying.

    I have a big class reunion coming up in September and unless a miracle happens I am too embarrassed to go.

    I love your attitude and determination. I really admire you and love your blog.

  • Reply
    April 28, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    I think that anyone who is trying to change is not fully happy with themselves or they would not see a need to change. I like who I am on the inside, but the outside sucks. 🙂

    – Lisa

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    April 28, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    I'm not surprised that no one could give an unqualified "YES!" to the question about self-acceptance. And, in a way, that is a healthy thing. It becomes pathological somewhere along the continuum to self-loathing. Active dislike and less than total acceptance are different.

    One of the commenters made a good point–and that is the fact that anyone who is trying to change wouldn't say that they totally accept themselves.

    The rest of the story is that our "inside selves" and our "outside selves" will NEVER be the same–for inside, we always want to be so much more…better…purer. And that is a good thing, too.

    The fact is, Kenz, that none of us will ever be totally acceptable–except in Christ. That is why He came; that is why He had to die–to make us acceptable.

    So, in that context, let me answer the question this way–I know that what I am is far from what I want to be, so in that sense, NO, I don't accept myself. But the Father sees me through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus as perfect and acceptable. I am acceptable to the only one who knows me completely–and I can rest in that and be okay.


  • Reply
    April 28, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Self-acceptance is something we all deal with…even if you 125 pounds. I think we all have things about ourself…weight, looks, a big nose :P…something that we wish we could change and that we try to explain to people. When I start feeling unworthy or unaccepted, I just remind myself that I'm good enough and if people don't except me for me, then I'm not too interested in their friendship.

    Kenz, you ARE good enough! You are a healthy, motivated, beautiful, hard-working, goal-setting, fun-loving girl! Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend!

  • Reply
    April 28, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    I attended a funeral today where everyone was given the opportunity to share what the deceased woman meant to them. I had so many funny, touching stories about her in my mind. I wanted to tell her family how much she loved them and how her face glowed when she spoke about them. But I just could not will my butt to get out of that seat. I felt so self conscious. Not about being fat, but about…I don't even know for sure. I just know that I was making it all about me, in my mind, when it did not need to be about me. Thinking about it now, I feel foolish.

    Thanks for a great discussion. It really made me search my heart.

  • Reply
    ♥ Kenz ♥
    April 28, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    You know, when I posted the question, I kind of assumed that everyone would say "yep..I'm happy with who I am, etc." I'm so moved by all of the honest responses I've received to this question…Seriously, we should all give ourselves a big hug..Good grief. We're all awesome, but I guess we're all works in progress too.

  • Reply
    May 1, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    I dont think I have ever accepted the person I am and sometimes I dont think I ever will either.

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