What do you do when you become friends with someone who doesn’t understand your weight-loss efforts?
I met a girl several months ago, and lately we have spent time hanging together with mutual friends. She’s a very nice person (to everyone except herself.) Though she has vowed not to step on a scale, it’s obvious to me that she’s larger than I was when I began losing weight a year ago.
We both like to sing. We both enjoy scrapbooking. And we are friends with other girls that we both totally respect and admire. So why am I bothered?
The truth is I’m bothered for several reasons. I’m going to list them in an attempt to figure out where to go from here.
- She talks badly about herself on a regular basis. I don’t like this, and I simply cannot be around someone who thinks it’s okay to do this.
- She has absolutely no desire to change. I mean, I don’t believe that for a moment, but that’s what she says. She accepts that fact that she’s overweight and admits she is lazy and loves food too much to try again.
- Though I purposely try to avoid the subject of weight-loss with her (so I don’t seem as if I’m trying to convince her because, frankly, it’s none of my business) she speaks about it frequently with me. She says she wishes that things were different, but she’s tried “all of the diets out there” like Optifast and other crazy diets that would set anyone up to fail.
- She often speaks of wanting to meet someone as though she’s given up on that too. She says she only meets “idiots and men who wish to use her.” I certainly believe that. No one who is happy and self-sufficient wants to be around someone who doesn’t believe they’re worth the effort to be the best they can be for themselves.
Now for the good…she’s a talented and lovely person. I heard her sing over the weekend, and she blew me away. I knew she was good, but to hear her in her element just made me say “wow!” And as I said, she’s a wonderful person..very complimentary of her friends and others. But she’s hard on herself.
I can’t be friends with someone who thinks it’s okay to put herself down because I don’t believe it’s okay. And because I don’t want to become desensitized to that kind of behavior. So last week when we were hanging out, she kept putting herself down. And I told her to stop. I told her that I do not like it and that I refuse to listen to her talk that way about herself. And I reminded her that she doesn’t need to beat me to the punch because I’ll never insult her.
She apologized and said that she didn’t mean to. She didn’t even realize she was doing it. She’s just so used to “beating them to the punch.” I feel for her because I get it. I understand that because I used to do it, but I’ve changed. And while those changes didn’t come overnight, they’re ingrained in me now. And I have no intention of letting anyone drag me backwards.
I don’t want to give up on her. I think I’m lucky to have her in my circle of friends now. But I’m not sure how to proceed. I’ve told her countless times that I’m not interested in changing her (though I do wish she’d see how much fun we’re having as we lose weight and join us.) But she talks about it anyway. She insults herself anyway.
In friendships and relationships, I’m attracted to people who are confident and have big dreams. And I leave no room for people who don’t have life goals and aspirations. Those people, in my opinion, are a drain on my joy.
On the flip side, I’ve always fought for the underdog. I’ve always tried to see the best in myself and in others – and with this friend that’s not hard to do. She has some great qualities, but I’m not sure if that’s enough to maintain a close friendship with her. I need to be surrounded by uplifting people, but I’d like to be an uplifting person for her if I can. Any thoughts?