It’s already weigh-in day, and I’m relieved to say that I’ve made many healthy choices this week. The treadmill and I have renewed our relationship because it’s been a little too cold to walk/jog outside, and I realized that it’s much easier to push myself in the gym because there’s no lagging on machines. Regardless of weather, I’ll be on the treadmill again this week.
After last week’s terrible food choices and weight gain, I am hoping that the scale is kind today. Today I deserve it. This week I did my best. There will always be room for improvement, but I controlled myself which makes me victorious. So why am I still so nervous to step on the scale?
I’ve weighed in over 50 times over the last 13 months, and (including last week) I’ve only gained 5 times. And in the weeks following those gains I was nervous to step on the scale – afraid of not seeing the fruits of my labor. But that fear was in vain. I saw losses again.
Each time I step on the scale I remind myself that I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight, and it won’t be the last time I do it if I keep trying. But it’s hard to remember how far I’ve come when my confidence has been shaken. When that happens, I look back at old photos. It still hurts to see them today because the pain the I covered up/refused to feel is so prominent in the expressions on my face.
Last week I said that I’ve been happier since moving to New York than I’ve been in my entire life, and it’s absolutely true. But the happiness started to expand and multiply when I started to believe that I am in control of my life and my choices. So while it’s sad to look back, I think it’s important to remember how I felt and how I feel now because I don’t want to go back to feeling the way I did.
I have a long way to go before reaching my goal, but the happiness you see on my face today is real and unscathed. I’m happier on the inside because I’ve changed on the inside, and I’m changing on the outside too. I am doing my best not to let the scale dictate my belief in myself. It’s real. It’s growing as I shrink, and that’s just as black and white as the numbers on the scale.
So bring it weigh-in day. I’m ready for it.