Finding My Confidence

It’s already weigh-in day, and I’m relieved to say that I’ve made many healthy choices this week. The treadmill and I have renewed our relationship because it’s been a little too cold to walk/jog outside, and I realized that it’s much easier to push myself in the gym because there’s no lagging on machines. Regardless of weather, I’ll be on the treadmill again this week.

After last week’s terrible food choices and weight gain, I am hoping that the scale is kind today. Today I deserve it. This week I did my best. There will always be room for improvement, but I controlled myself which makes me victorious. So why am I still so nervous to step on the scale?

I’ve weighed in over 50 times over the last 13 months, and (including last week) I’ve only gained 5 times. And in the weeks following those gains I was nervous to step on the scale – afraid of not seeing the fruits of my labor. But that fear was in vain. I saw losses again.

Each time I step on the scale I remind myself that I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight, and it won’t be the last time I do it if I keep trying. But it’s hard to remember how far I’ve come when my confidence has been shaken. When that happens, I look back at old photos. It still hurts to see them today because the pain the I covered up/refused to feel is so prominent in the expressions on my face.


Last week I said that I’ve been happier since moving to New York than I’ve been in my entire life, and it’s absolutely true. But the happiness started to expand and multiply when I started to believe that I am in control of my life and my choices. So while it’s sad to look back, I think it’s important to remember how I felt and how I feel now because I don’t want to go back to feeling the way I did.

I have a long way to go before reaching my goal, but the happiness you see on my face today is real and unscathed. I’m happier on the inside because I’ve changed on the inside, and I’m changing on the outside too. I am doing my best not to let the scale dictate my belief in myself. It’s real. It’s growing as I shrink, and that’s just as black and white as the numbers on the scale.

So bring it weigh-in day. I’m ready for it.

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16 Comments

  • Reply
    The Monkey and Me
    May 13, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    I adore you! I just want to give you a big hug! Your positivity is infectious. Keep it up – you ARE amazing.
    Best of luck today – though you don't need luck, it's all you!

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  • Reply
    Seth
    May 13, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Wow! Great job and awesome comparision pictures! They always seem to brighten up the day.

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  • Reply
    Katie J
    May 13, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    WOWIE!!! You are simply amazing Kenz! xoxo

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  • Reply
    Threebusybs
    May 13, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    YA!!! Fist bump!!!

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  • Reply
    {Absolutely, Positively} Josie
    May 13, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    you probably hear a lot that, "you don't even look like the same person," but i would have never even mistaken you for the person on the left in that second pic!

    love your spirit.

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    May 13, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    You will do great! At WW yesterday, we discussed how to handle the saboteurs. Although, it was hard for me to do it, I emailed two friends and specifically asked for their help this coming week. I'm usually the one they come to for help and advice, so this was a leap of faith for me. They are coming through in a big way! I had an unexpected gain at the scale (my home scales said I had a loss), so I was just crushed and knew I really had to reach out. My leader always wants me to tell about your blog and how you are such a help and inspiration to me (you are famous in our meeting!). Have a good weigh-in!

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  • Reply
    Shell
    May 13, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    Happiness is where it's at – keep up the good work!

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  • Reply
    Tricia
    May 13, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    awesome!

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    May 13, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Me, again! I forgot to say that I came across a picture of me from last July/August, and I'm going to print it as a reminder of how far I've come. I started WW in September. I love seeing your before/after pics. Plus, our WW leader said that she forgets what we looked like before unless we have a picture. Now, I just have to remember to upload it to Walgreen's!

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  • Reply
    Keri
    May 13, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Good luck today.. I'm sure you'll see the loss you deserve. You rock!!

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  • Reply
    Mon
    May 13, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Good luck!

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  • Reply
    Sheila
    May 13, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    You are doing awesome girlie! Great job! And great attitude!

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  • Reply
    Trudy
    May 13, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Way to stay positive Kenz! I totally admire you because I know how difficult it can be, especially when that scale shows a gain. You've got the right idea though…keep plugging ahead.

    Good luck tonight!

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  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    May 13, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    Such a huge difference! Same beautiful smile–but, my, now you simply glow! Happy, happy transvormation. 😀 Deb

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  • Reply
    Jessica
    May 14, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Awesome attitude! Keep up the great work!

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  • Reply
    anne h
    May 15, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    Everything they said….and then some!

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