Sometimes things are so personal that I can’t bear to share them on my blog. I like to think I “put myself out there” in an open and honest way, and I do. But some things are so personal…Some things are too difficult to share at least right now.
Today is one of those days in which my heart is hurting. I feel lost and confused and extraordinarily sad. I know that I’m far from perfect, but on days like today my flaws are completely transparent. I’m under a lot of stress, and I’m searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t see it yet.
I still have many reasons to be thankful. The last (almost) three years have been the best years of my life so far. And I firmly believe that the best years are ahead. But today, I’m scared – scared of what the immediate future holds. I’m scared because my life is going through changes that I didn’t see coming only a few months ago. And it’s hard to accept as reality. It’s not fair…at all.
But we already know life is not always fair, right? And we all know that there will be bumps in the road, but sometimes as we encounter them they seem almost unbearable. And when I feel this way it is so important to remind myself that “no matter how cold the winter there’s a springtime ahead.” (Thank you Pearl Jam for always reminding me of that.)
One thing that is different about me now is that I know that even when life is hard taking care of myself is still important. Earlier in this post I said that I’m far from perfect, and that’s definitely true. But I’m a better person now than I was when I started this journey. I’m more honest with myself and others than I’ve ever been. I’ve never been more aware that life is what I make it, and my desire to be the best version of myself has never been stronger than it is now.
A few days ago I read somewhere that “in order to get to the rainbow we must endure the rain.” Well, I’m enduring the rain right now. I know that there are rainbows ahead. They’ll shine on me later this week when I see Dad and he wraps his arms around me. And I’ll find the blue in my gray as I’m surrounded by people (that I don’t get to see often enough) who love me just the way I am.
Life is not always easy my friends. This is not new information. And we cannot always control our circumstances, but it’s so important to remember that bumps in the road are not the end. It’s important for me to remember that this is not the end. Life has a way of working out, and I’m clinging that hope tonight.
I have consumed ten glasses of water today, and the day is not over yet. I have eaten well today because overeating is just not an option. I refuse to look for comfort in pizza or cookies because those things will never love me back. Instead, I am doing my best to convince myself that it’s going to be okay eventually. I’m going to be okay. Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m clinging to a hope that it will find me in a better place. And tonight, that has to be enough.