Almost Broken

Sometimes things are so personal that I can’t bear to share them on my blog. I like to think I “put myself out there” in an open and honest way, and I do. But some things are so personal…Some things are too difficult to share at least right now.

Today is one of those days in which my heart is hurting. I feel lost and confused and extraordinarily sad. I know that I’m far from perfect, but on days like today my flaws are completely transparent. I’m under a lot of stress, and I’m searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t see it yet.

I still have many reasons to be thankful. The last (almost) three years have been the best years of my life so far. And I firmly believe that the best years are ahead. But today, I’m scared – scared of what the immediate future holds. I’m scared because my life is going through changes that I didn’t see coming only a few months ago. And it’s hard to accept as reality. It’s not fair…at all.

But we already know life is not always fair, right? And we all know that there will be bumps in the road, but sometimes as we encounter them they seem almost unbearable. And when I feel this way it is so important to remind myself that “no matter how cold the winter there’s a springtime ahead.” (Thank you Pearl Jam for always reminding me of that.)

One thing that is different about me now is that I know that even when life is hard taking care of myself is still important. Earlier in this post I said that I’m far from perfect, and that’s definitely true. But I’m a better person now than I was when I started this journey. I’m more honest with myself and others than I’ve ever been. I’ve never been more aware that life is what I make it, and my desire to be the best version of myself has never been stronger than it is now.

(I’ve never posted a picture of my sad face, but today it’s how I feel.)


A few days ago I read somewhere that “in order to get to the rainbow we must endure the rain.” Well, I’m enduring the rain right now. I know that there are rainbows ahead. They’ll shine on me later this week when I see Dad and he wraps his arms around me. And I’ll find the blue in my gray as I’m surrounded by people (that I don’t get to see often enough) who love me just the way I am.

Life is not always easy my friends. This is not new information. And we cannot always control our circumstances, but it’s so important to remember that bumps in the road are not the end. It’s important for me to remember that this is not the end. Life has a way of working out, and I’m clinging that hope tonight.

I have consumed ten glasses of water today, and the day is not over yet. I have eaten well today because overeating is just not an option. I refuse to look for comfort in pizza or cookies because those things will never love me back. Instead, I am doing my best to convince myself that it’s going to be okay eventually. I’m going to be okay. Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m clinging to a hope that it will find me in a better place. And tonight, that has to be enough.

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43 Comments

  • Reply
    Shane G.
    July 27, 2010 at 2:20 am

    Kenz, I really wish I could do something substantial to help, but I will just say this. Good job in keeping perspective. You are right that there will always be stress, but why add more stress by overeating and creating yet another situation to deal with. I hope all works out soon enough for you and you can add that to the list of blessings you already have.

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  • Reply
    Jodi
    July 27, 2010 at 2:21 am

    Kenz, Hang in there girl. Whatever you are going through right now, just remember it is temporary. You are strong. Look how far you've come. Even though we are new 'friends', if you ever need to talk, let me know!

    Life is very unfair for sure. But I like to think of it as a test because God isn't going to give you anything that you can't handle. I sometimes wonder why he thinks I'm so 'srong'? LOL! Becaust to me I'm not. I can SO relate to what you said about wanting to be the perfect you. When I was 187+ heavier, I used to be a people-pleaser. I think it was my defense mechanism because if I made people happy, they wouldn't say anything about my weight. Does that make sense? I learned to love myself instead of making excuses for myself. No matter what look at what you've accomplished thus far. Whatever it is, know that you can get through it!!!

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  • Reply
    Janna
    July 27, 2010 at 2:22 am

    Kenz,

    I don't know why you are hurting and so sad, but I am sorry. You are an extraordinarily beautiful person inside and out. I hope that it hurts less tomorrow. HUGS!

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  • Reply
    Christine
    July 27, 2010 at 2:25 am

    Feel better, Kenz.
    HUGS!!!!

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  • Reply
    Melissa
    July 27, 2010 at 2:27 am

    My thoughts are with you as you go through this rough time. You have a great perspective and great determination, and so the good times will return soon.

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  • Reply
    Annie
    July 27, 2010 at 2:29 am

    I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. 🙁 I hope whatever it is will pass quickly and you'll get your rainbow soon. Big hugs to you, Sweetie!

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  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    July 27, 2010 at 2:30 am

    Awww, Kenz, I'm sorry you're hurting.

    I'm praying that the God of all comfort let's you feel His arms around you tonight.

    My email is always open to you.

    Deb

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  • Reply
    Violet Rose
    July 27, 2010 at 2:34 am

    Hang in there, that light will come eventually.

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  • Reply
    spunkysuzi
    July 27, 2010 at 2:38 am

    I'm so sorry your hurting! "hugs"

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  • Reply
    Barb
    July 27, 2010 at 3:02 am

    Hi Kenz,

    Well, you know the saying, "When you're going through hell, keep on walking." I truly do hope that life gets better for you, and, although you don't realize it, you actually gave me the "pep" talk that I needed. Life is not always easy, but, somehow in the end, you can see the reason for the insanity and pain you are going through right now. Hang in there my friend, I am rooting for you!

    Hugs,
    Barb

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  • Reply
    kristi
    July 27, 2010 at 3:17 am

    So sorry you are having a bad time. I am currently unemployed after 15 years and now I am trying to find a job. It is tough!

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  • Reply
    Rhonda
    July 27, 2010 at 3:31 am

    Oh Kenlie, I'm so sorry for your pain and the tough time you are facing right now. I hope that your time away from the big city will help you as you surround yourself with friends and family. I said a prayer for your heart tonight. I love you my friend. Hugs!

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  • Reply
    seattlerunnergirl
    July 27, 2010 at 3:34 am

    Kenz, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling sad and going through hard times right now. I'm so GLAD to hear that you are being healthy about your reaction, though – you're continuing to take care of yourself and you're not "stuffing" the feelings with food. This life-changing process we're going through isn't always easy, but it's always worth it. Hang in there and we'll see you on the other side!

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  • Reply
    Sean Anderson
    July 27, 2010 at 4:19 am

    I so wish I could be there to hold you right now. It is going to be OK…and your best days are ahead baby. Get here so I can hug you!
    😉

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  • Reply
    Lucy K
    July 27, 2010 at 4:24 am

    Whatever you are going through .. I hope tomorrow brings more sunshine than today.
    🙂

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  • Reply
    Julie
    July 27, 2010 at 4:37 am

    I hope you feel better! Just remember God won't bring you too it, if he can't bring you through it.

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  • Reply
    snoconegirl
    July 27, 2010 at 6:15 am

    i hope your feeling better now kenz..im sure sorry you were feeling so blue today..i do know the feeling..and the clouds do go away and the good feeling comes back again..i loveyou .your a very sweet lady and i am glad you met my nephew..feel good tomorrow get some rest..kelli

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  • Reply
    Genie @ Diet of 51
    July 27, 2010 at 11:11 am

    I hope that you're feeling better this morning. It's hard to imagine you feeling "down" (although I see the picture). Whatever your troubles are, you are not alone and you will get through this period. Be on rainbow alert today. HUGS!!!

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    July 27, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Kenz, I read some of your old entries and you said that you were thinking of seeking out God again. this maybe the time. God's words are eternal. Pearl Jams "wisdom" will fade away, but God has promised to never leave us or forsake us. Think about it. When God closes one door He opens another. You are in my prayers.

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    July 27, 2010 at 11:19 am

    I hope that you have a better day today! Yes, we all have our rough times, but they will pass. Take care of yourself!

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  • Reply
    Fran
    July 27, 2010 at 11:57 am

    I'm sorry to read your sadness. You must be so sad as you are always so full of joy and happiness.

    Life definitely isn't always fair.

    But you're a strong woman and whatever is troubling you, you will survive it.

    For now I wish you strength and take good care of yourself.

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    July 27, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    I can identify with your title of Almost Broken….my phrase is "beaten but not broken"…..you're going to make it through girl…I promise you. I know ALL ABOUT there being things in your life that seriously, seriously, affect you but you just cannot post about it due to personal nature…whether it be family-related (mine is), job related (my supervisor is a friend & blogger!)…etc. I get it. I'm sorry you're going through it…but I want you to hang in there, and never give up on yourself. Sometimes it IS hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel…but it's there..and if you keep pushing through, you'll eventually see it. Hold on to that…never give up the good in life…never give up on hope…and most importantly, never, ever give up on YOU. Big hugs to you Kenz and I'm always just an email away. 🙂

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  • Reply
    Vaia
    July 27, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Kenz…this breaks my heart to read. You are an amazing lady and while you will face tough days in your life – it's always how you react to them that matters. And you didn't turn to comfort food or give up on the very things that are important to you. Sending you a huge HUG!

    P.S. Love your key necklace 🙂

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  • Reply
    Lisa
    July 27, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Ugh…I'm sorry for whatever it is that is causing you pain. I must say I'm so proud of you for not turning to food to numb the sadness. For us emotional eaters, that can be the most difficult choice to make. "This too shall pass" Kenz 🙂

    By the way, you are such a beautiful girl even in your sad picture.

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  • Reply
    eddie
    July 27, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Just started reading yesterday. I can see you are a very STRONG person, and have some great advice. {{hug}}

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  • Reply
    Deb
    July 27, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties in your life now. You are an amazingly strong person.

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  • Reply
    Jo
    July 27, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Kenz, I am sorry you're having to endure this. I'm praying for strength for you. Brighter days are ahead.

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  • Reply
    trippingtiffies
    July 27, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    tripping tiffies ♥♥♥'s kenz! whatever you're going through, remember: you're an inspiration to so many of us out there! you're amazing & you rock!

    ♥fashionintheforest.blogspot.com

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    July 27, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Sorry for your difficult times. There is a rainbow out there waiting for you. Keep on keeping!

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    July 27, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    So sorry that you are having a rough time right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through this and be a stronger person.
    Even in your sad picture you are beautiful…
    Thank you for all the inspiration that you give me and others.

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  • Reply
    Liana
    July 27, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Sorry to hear that thing's aren't going so well for you Kenz, and hope that it passes soon whatever it may be.

    I haven't known you long but I can see your beauty within. You lovely gentleness just shines through, and I feel it more when I'm listening to you sing which I often do when I come for a visit.

    What a beautiful voice you have that I find very calming. Thankyou for all that you are, and for your inspiration.

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  • Reply
    PrettyWoman
    July 27, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Yes, there is a springtime ahead. You will be OK. Promise.

    Have peace Kenz. Turn your face to the sunshine and "Just Breathe."

    @anonymous…music has always been there for me unlike your "god." save it.

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    July 27, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Precious Kenlie! As I read your post a Scripture kept running through my head…"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt. 11:28-30.

    There was a time in my life when the "table cloth" was pulled out from underneath what I thought was a wonderfullly set table. We are talking CHANGE—shattered glasses and upside down plates…I had no strength to "re-set" it…but the picture of me –not alone—but yoked to One who would literally pull my portion when I had no more "pull" in me, gave me hope and forward motion–sometimes just inch by inch followed by an inch back…but then again, the forward motion…may you know His strength and His gentle and humble touch this day and into your future… My heart is with you as you walk through this valley.
    and i have never commented on a blog before and am in a techno turmoil so chose anonymous 'cause i saw one on there…eek!

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  • Reply
    Jenn
    July 27, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Just found your blog and I love your honesty and transparency. I too am doing the "weight loss" thing. If you get a chance, come by my blog at http://www.theresaskinnygirlinheresomewhere.blogspot.com

    Blessings!

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  • Reply
    ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥
    July 27, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    I can't say that everything is fixed, but it's much, much better today than it was yesterday. I just have one more day to get through before I head to Oklahoma..and that will be a fantastic time for me…no doubt.

    Thanks for taking the time to encourage me…you all are the best of the best..:)

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  • Reply
    Elizabeth.
    July 27, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Kenz:

    I wish I had more to add. My heart breaks with and for you. The outpouring of love from your readers has been stunning. Life is the most unfair thing in the universe. You knew this already, still the hurt and shock never seems to lessen when terrible things happen.

    "How quick the sun can drop away…And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass…of what was everything." (pearl jam – black)

    but..

    "The future’s paved with better days." (pearl jam – eat, pray, love soundtrack)

    Hugs – tons and tons of hugs,
    e.

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  • Reply
    Country Dreaming
    July 27, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Hello—
    Came over from Tatortots…
    Sorry to hear about your day. It's tough to feel this way. But light is coming and you will have better days.
    I have been telling myself this for the last couple of years.
    Yes, I have more good days than bad but
    when it rains it pours and you just put up the umbrella and slosh through the rain.
    Good luck in your water challege and your weight loss–I'll check back to see how your progress is going.

    Melinda

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  • Reply
    jenbythesea
    July 27, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    Kenz,
    I'm sorry to read that you are experiencing a hard and painful time right now. Whatever it is you're going through will make you stronger, especially since you aren't using this situation as an excuse to eat. I will certainly keep you in my prayers for the next few days. You are a beautiful and amazing woman and an inspiration to so many of us out here. I also want to thank you for checking out my blog and posting your picture up there. One of these days I'll take you up on your offer to help me jazz up my blogsite. Keep your chin up, girl. Enjoy your time with your family and friends on your vacation.

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  • Reply
    Sherry
    July 27, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    I'm pretty much a lurker – but just wanted to say two things:

    – You're awesome
    – Hugs.

    Sherry

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  • Reply
    ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥
    July 28, 2010 at 12:34 am

    Pretty woman and Elizabeth, way to appeal to my Pearl Jam loving heart. Very nice..:)

    I feel so much better, and I know it's going to get much better later this week. I just need to get through the next 40 hours or so..

    I'm so moved by all of the responses today..I know I've already said it, but wow…thanks so much..:)

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  • Reply
    KellyNY
    July 28, 2010 at 12:44 am

    Kenz – whatever it is that you are going thru, I'm sorry. But ur right – the rainbows will come.

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  • Reply
    Faith, Trust, and a Little Pixie Dust
    July 28, 2010 at 4:44 am

    Hi, I came to you from Tatortots & Jello. Thanks for this post. It touched my heart. I share some of your feelings. It seems like life is shadows & light. To appreciate the happy we have to go through the hard times. Best of luck!

    Warmly, Michelle

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  • Reply
    Heather A
    July 28, 2010 at 4:45 am

    Oh hun, I'm so sorry I wasn't able to log in yesterday to read this. I understand that darkness and the pain it brings. Know you are kept in many hearts and minds. We love you! 🙂

    So, to carry you through till you head out of town, know I am sending hugs and good vibes for a better tomorrow. 🙂

    *hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs*

    ~Heather

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