Exercise Friends Future Reflection

Personal Growth: Whether I Want To or Not

Today has been a productive day. It started with a manicure and pedicure then I had sushi for lunch and made an order for my birthday dinner next week. My birthday is Monday..just saying. Then I spent most of the afternoon with people who are like family to me before coming home to get some work done.

I was feeling pretty amazing on the way to lay by the pool with loved ones, but I didn’t leave feeling completely awesome. Instead, I let comments that stupid teens made dictate my level of enjoyment. Seriously? I didn’t let that affect me this much when I was tipping the scales at nearly 400 pounds.

So why, when I’ve come so far, would I allow petty comments from strangers keep me from enjoying an activity I love? I think it’s because I’ve come so far. It bothered me before, obviously. But it bothered me today when two beautiful, young girls laughed at me without hesitation because they don’t know me. They don’t know how much my life has changed. They didn’t meet “Kenz, the girl who has lost weight and gained freedom.” In fact, they didn’t meet me at all. They never spoke a word to me. Instead, they snickered and made comments (that I could hear) about how fat I was.

I’m disappointed in myself for letting it bother me, but it did just as much as the first rude blog comment I received last month. I know I’m still far from my goal, but I’m so much closer! I walk around feeling awesome most days, and I honestly thought that my self-esteem was stronger than it was today.

I left the party early, explaining that I had important things to do at home. And that was not a lie..I did them. But the truth is that I would not have considered leaving had I not seen and heard the girls laughing at me.

For the record, if anyone at the party had heard what the girls were saying, they would have torn them up. I was surrounded by people who like and accept me so these girls that I didn’t know were the exception. If anyone had heard them talking that way they would have immediately shut them down and come to my defense. But I should have come to my own defense. And I usually do.

I had a weak and embarrassing moment, but I’m ready to move on. I did what I needed to do for myself tonight and finished the evening with a sweaty, heart-pounding workout, and I feel good. I know how far I’ve come, and I know where I’m going. Ultimately, that is what is most important.

I don’t need everyone I meet to know that I live a healthy, fulfilling lifestyle, but I am looking forward to the day that I’m no longer a walking target for insults. And that day is coming soon. A year from now this won’t be something I worry about much. Until then, I’ll continue enjoying the positive changes while doing my best to ignore the jerks.

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27 Comments

  • Reply
    Jennifer
    July 4, 2010 at 5:27 am

    Ugh! Doesn't that make you glad you are not in High School anymore? Teen girls are so bad, but don't worry, they will get theirs, Karma is a bitch.

  • Reply
    ♥ Kenz ♥
    July 4, 2010 at 7:00 am

    I guess I feel pretty lucky that I didn't have to deal with things like that in high school. I loved it though I love being a grown-up more..:)

  • Reply
    Fran
    July 4, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Don't let it get to you Kenz. You've come a long way and you're doing great. I can understand that it hurts you because they don't know you. But you know what: that's their bad luck otherwise they would have known a great person!

  • Reply
    annie
    July 4, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I can understand that it hurts, and makes you want to shake the silly girls and scream, "Don't you know how hard I worked to get here? Yes, I'm not done yet, but thats not the point!" Plus, people who put others down, are usually just doing so to make themselves feel better, they're announcing their own insecurities to the world.

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    July 4, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    I agree with Annie, she is so right about other people putting others down even in a joking matter; because it does hurt and they have not realized yet that they themselves need help, maybe not in the weigh department, but it just makes them look ugly. Not one wants to be like them rude, cruel, and just plain hurtful. Your doing a great job on the weight thing and yes you have more to go, but I have no dought that you will achieve your goal. I have always fought and lose with my weight in my life and now that I am older I am not trying; because when I try I can do it. But this is about you, a person who has reached a goal that I never thought possible and I am so proud of you. Keep going and remember the most important things in life or things that can't be bought.God, love, life, family. Without God nothing is possible. Love you MOM

  • Reply
    KellyNY
    July 4, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Oh Kenz, I'm sorry you had to go through that because anyone who's ever been the target of mean girls knows it's not a nice feeling. But Jennifer is right – what goes around comes around and they will get theirs, don't you worry! I've never met you, but I can tell just by reading your blog what a fantastic person you are! Luv ya!

  • Reply
    Bombshell Beauty
    July 4, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm trying really hard not to say a bunch of mean things about those girls…but that's not the right thing either. They're obviously still growing in decent human beings and I wish them well on that journey. 🙂

    It sounds like you've taken everything you can out of the experience – motivation for the future – and that should be enough. Keep living your wonderful life!

  • Reply
    279
    July 4, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    I'm sorry Kenz that this has happened to you. People can be so cruel at times. You have done so much so far, so hold your head up high.

  • Reply
    Sneaker Teacher
    July 4, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    I'm sorry Kenz. It's so sad how un-accepting of others people can be and I am guessing those girls had no idea how much their words could impact someone else. At least you have the strength to know you are doing a fabulous job and that you recognize the person you are even if they can't see it because they don't know you.

  • Reply
    Genie @ Diet of 51
    July 4, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Sorry to hear that snide teenagers cut your pool date short. Mean girls make themselves feel more pseudo-superior by doing stuff like that. Trust me, you have ten times the self-esteem that they do. Don't give them another brain cell's worth of thought.

  • Reply
    Annie
    July 4, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    I'm so sorry that those girls said means things about you. You have come so far! Focus on what you've done and WHO you are, no matter what size you are. You are a beautiful person!

  • Reply
    Lisa
    July 4, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    People who attack others do so because of their own insecurities. I'm so sorry that you were the target of someones mean spirit. I don't know you, but from reading you're blogging these last few weeks I know that you ARE a beautiful person. You should be so very proud of yourself. I'm sorry that you were hurt. It's hard to ignore comments from others… You are strong and courageous and I'm very happy to be able to "follow" you 🙂

  • Reply
    dawne
    July 4, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Teenagers!?! I remember when I said stupid things to make myself feel better – it does come from insecurity.

    BUT – look at you? A bet you NEVER would have share this story in the past. Instead, you shared it, you admitted your hurt and you're ready to move on.

    That my friend, is a sign you are changing…right from the inside out!

  • Reply
    Drazil
    July 4, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Mean girls will always be mean. You my dear, will not always carry extra weight. You can change that and you are. THat is the only thing that matters. I puffy heart you…you are human…and I wish you weren't disappointed in yourself that they were able to hurt you. You have a huge heart and huge hearts get hurt easily…but it's also the reason why we all love you so much.

  • Reply
    Heather
    July 4, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    I admit that I'd have a few choice words for those girls…

    Rudeness is wrong no matter your size. Those skinny girls were just showing how ugly they are. You, Kenlie, have repeatedly shown how beautiful you are, how strong your spirit is.

    You keep doing what you've been doing and don't sweat the rude folks. Well, maybe sweat off their insensitive remarks like you did, but don't worry about them. 😉 You're doing this and inspiring so many of us on the way!

    ~H.

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    July 4, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    As my grandson would say, those girls are just "poopheads!" !

    Let yourself feel bad; let yourself move on. Both are good.

    It IS good that you allowed yourself to feel the hurt, embarrassed and anger. I know that those feelings didn't feel so good, but buried embarrassment and hurt turn quickly into a pathological shame that will come back and bite you when you least expect it.

    So don't think that your feelings or need to leave early are a sign of low self-esteem. It is not. ANYONE would have felt badly–especially when you've come so far.

    You felt your feelings and took care of yourself. You gave yourself a hug. Good job!

    Although those girls needed a swift kick, getting into a back and forth with them wouldn't have helped. You had no need to prove anything to them. You did good.

    You know, Kenz, you would never do to someone else what those unthinking girls did to you. You need to feel proud about that. I know that I'm proud to know you.

    Deb

  • Reply
    Deb
    July 4, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Mean girls. Sorry that happened. REminds me of a time I was out walking and a bunch of guys on a construction project barked at me as I went by. Kinda rips your heart out even though you want to be able to just brush it off.

  • Reply
    Deb
    July 4, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Mean girls. Sorry that happened. REminds me of a time I was out walking and a bunch of guys on a construction project barked at me as I went by. Kinda rips your heart out even though you want to be able to just brush it off.

  • Reply
    MB
    July 5, 2010 at 12:33 am

    Those mean girls need a bitch slap. You should be proud of all you've accomplished and shouldn't let anyone bring you down.

    I hope you have a great b-day. Mine is this week too 😉

  • Reply
    PrettyWoman
    July 5, 2010 at 12:58 am

    Awwww. I wish someone had of gotten in their faces and put them in their place. I am sorry that happened to you.

    I can relate to "fat" comments hurting more now than when we were heavier. And it is because we worked so hard.

    Blow it off, knowing there is something in their lives that is hurting them and making them into bitches.

    Youre beautiful, inside and out. Dont forget that.

  • Reply
    Ms. PJ Geek
    July 5, 2010 at 4:27 am

    I think of Kathy Bates in the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" saying "TAWANDA!…I'm older and I've got better insurance!" after ramming her car in to the car of 2 'skinny chicks' that made fun of her. They don't even know what they are missing.

  • Reply
    snoconegirl
    July 5, 2010 at 8:08 am

    Iam so sorry you had to go thru that…it is a tough thing to handle sometimes and the only way I get thru it even now is just to know in my own heart that they are the ones who are having a bad day..they have the problem..not me..the best thing to do is just pray for em…I hope you have a wonderful birthday today…loveyou..kelli

  • Reply
    Vaia
    July 5, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    You are much more amazing than I think even you realize you are. Maybe this blog is therapeutic as well because what you wrote and how you dealt with your feelings after the fact, is unbelievable. You have made so many changes and to go home work it out instead of heading to the couch or the fridge it undeniably awesome!!

  • Reply
    Heather Forcey
    July 5, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    What a terrible thing for those girls to do! I am so sorry that you had to endure that. I hope you are feeling better this morning. You are such an inspiration, and it is easy to tell that you have a heart that loves life and lives it the fullest.

  • Reply
    Sean Anderson
    July 5, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Kenz—

    I just want to hug you and then educate a couple of clueless teenagers–I have a way with words–and had I been there, I would have quietly–in a very calm fashion—spoke to them. In less than three minutes, I absolutely guarantee—both of those little shallow teenage zits would have had an epiphany of their own—they would have been in tears with shame—they would have felt exposed and vulnerable—all of the feelings they made you feel—I swear—Let me at them, Because I would have made them feel the same feelings times ten.
    It would have changed their lives.

    They have no idea who they were targeting–clueless and careless, but they seriously picked the wrong person.

    You're beautiful Kenz–Beautiful, smart, talented, accomplished–an amazingly well rounded and grounded individual—who's been down a road—and conquered that road, of obstacles people don't even realize— I understand how you felt and why–but please don't let it effect you another second.
    If they only knew…

    Baby, if they only knew…

    A most special warmth for you,
    Sean

  • Reply
    Angela
    July 6, 2010 at 4:20 am

    Unfortunately, there will always be people who will only see our physical selves and assume that they know all they need to know about us.

    Their loss.

  • Reply
    100in28
    July 7, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Kenz,
    This entry broke my heart. You are doing an amazing job, and I can tell your confidence is UP UP UP. It sucks that something as small as one event can pop that bubble – I hate how that happens!
    After I had lost about 40lbs I started feeling a lot more confident myself – but I'd walk into a room, and get a sense that people were judging or talking about me, so I'd tell myself, if ANYONE says anything to you just tell them you have already lost XX amount of pounds.
    When I joined the gym, I had lost 80lbs, and was dealing with that whole "too fat to go to a gym" feeling – but I reminded myself over and over if anyone implied I shouldn't be there – or said anything rude, I was ready with my ammo. I told myself I'd tell them, "if you are making fun of me now, you should have seen me 80lbs ago" – I was ready to say it, but thankfully I never had to. But those moments when I felt so insecure, I'd just keep that on the tip of my tongue. I don't know if I actually would have said those things, but it was a good reminder of how far I had come.
    You are doing an amazing job and I'm so excited for you and all of the amazingness that you have and are accomplishing. I love reading your blog 🙂

    -Kim

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