Being Honest With Myself

Sometimes I wonder if it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling, but tonight I know it’s okay. It has to be okay. It’s been another emotional day for me.

Most of my weekend was wonderful, and today has been great. But as I sit here alone, I find myself wishing I could go home soon…knowing that I don’t have a home anymore. I mean, I’ll find a new place to live, but those are just walls. I don’t want to live somewhere new…I want to go home.

I was supposed to mail my keys back today, and I just couldn’t do it. I’m not ready to accept the fact that I’ve lost the life I loved. I can’t imagine never making faux fried chicken then playing Scrabble again or accidentally dropping a piece of zucchini on the floor in the kitchen and watching Sadie pounce on it.

I’ve been so angry and defensive that I haven’t even allowed myself to feel the pain I’m feeling. I haven’t allowed myself to feel my own regrets, but tonight they’re crashing down on me. Tonight I wish I had done some things differently. But more than that, I wish I could lay my heart out under a microscope so the contents could be visible. I wish I could prove what is in my heart and head.

But life doesn’t always work that way. And I suppose it wouldn’t matter even if it did. There are some wonderful things on the horizon, but I don’t think I can fully embrace it without working through the feelings I have now. So I’m going to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling tonight before waking up to face the new day.

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19 Comments

  • Reply
    Sarah
    August 17, 2010 at 8:32 am

    <3

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  • Reply
    Shane G.
    August 17, 2010 at 11:21 am

    Kenz,I am old and grizzled and one thing I can tell you I have learned, you never regret how you feel inside. It is a process. Much like it is talked about how even if you lose weight it takes the mind awhile to catch up, when you lose a facet of your life you love so much, the brain doesn't register that right away. Those thought are there for your benefit, for closure, for that new door that just opened when that one closed. It just takes a minutes to see that light coming through the newly opened door while you are still looking at the closed one.

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  • Reply
    KellyNY
    August 17, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Kenz, it's never ok to not face what you're feeling. It is ok to feel how you are, and the important thing is, besides facing it, is to tell yourself that it's ok, because it is. Dealing with it is the first step. (((HUGS))).

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  • Reply
    Wendy
    August 17, 2010 at 11:37 am

    I am sort of lost with what is going on but {{{hugs}}} anytime and as much as you need of 'em.
    It seems to be a season of discontent for alot of people these days…..but at least we aren't alone and the seasons do change:)

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  • Reply
    Lisa @No More Diet Drama
    August 17, 2010 at 11:38 am

    I think it's so important to feel your emotions. So often we eat to cover them or stuff them down. You are going through a deep valley right now. There will be mountain tops down the road. Hang in there girl.

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 17, 2010 at 11:47 am

    There's a difference between feeling your feelings and taking responsibility for your part in what has happened in your life. It sounds like you have those things a bit mixed up right now. That's okay. Most things sort themselves out with time if you slow down, pay attention to the moment, and embrace life. Yours is an extraordinary life. You know that. You are blessed beyond measure.

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  • Reply
    Genie @ Diet of 51
    August 17, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Allow yourself to grieve over what you'll miss. It's OK. It honors and validates your past. Then, look ahead at all of the great opportunities and challenges out there for you. You will get through this down period. HUGS!!

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    August 17, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    I can't add anything to what the others have already said, but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you during this difficult time.

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 17, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Time to take a deep breath. You're right, being honest with yourself is so important. If we don't stop and honestly look at our lives, see where we can or should do things differently, take responsibility for our actions, we never grow. It sounds like you're in a growing process right now. Learn well so you can move forward with lessons learned, not repeated. Best wishes for you, Kenz!

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  • Reply
    Annie
    August 17, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Kenz, you are wise beyond your years. You know that you need to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling in order to move forward. I wish whatever it is that is going on will lead to great things for you. <3

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  • Reply
    trippingtiffies
    August 17, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    I'm not really sure what is going on right now but what I do know is that you will be okay. You're KENZ(!!!!) and you're amazing and strong and motivated and people (like me) look up to you & your strength. it's okay to be "down" for a while, but just remember how great a feeling that "up" is.

    ♥tif
    fashionintheforest.blogspot.com

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 17, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Kenz –
    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  • Reply
    Betty
    August 17, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    Kenz, Thanks so much for responding to my post. I am not good at this, but I have wanted to respond to yours for awhile now. Letting go, moving on hardest things I have ever done. Facing disappointments head on is also an area we would rather not go either but their is something very comforting about acknowledging our disappointments. They don't seem so big, so impossible when we give words to them. I have been where you are, when I was younger, when I was older we were hit with major disappointment too. Those times were pivotal in making me who I am and I would not change anything, even the pain if it meant not having me the way I am now. I am praying for you, as I have been for a couple of weeks now. You will be fine I am sure of it. And yes, Sean is Brilliant! Just hope those words sink in:)

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  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    August 17, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Hi, Kenz. You've been on my mind and in my prayes often lately.

    First–just reread what Shane G. said–I couln't say it any better. Well, I wouldn't have included the "grizzled" part, just old… chuckle.

    Second–I pray God's wisdom and comfort for you. Now.

    Deb

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  • Reply
    PrettyWoman
    August 17, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    Thinking about you.

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  • Reply
    CynthiaC.
    August 17, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    Hindsight is always 20/20
    When you know better, you do better

    We all have regrets but what's important is that you take those experiences, learn from them and move forward. Go ahead and feel what you feel, kick something, have a good cry and just get it all out. It may not seem like it today but do know that the best is yet to come for you. Your next 'home' may not look or feel the way the old one used to but that's ok because you're a very different woman today than you were the day you picked up the keys you need to mail back. I'm sending tons of good wishes your way so that the next place will be chocful of opportunity, happiness, (good) surprises and love!

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  • Reply
    Elizabeth.
    August 17, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    Dear Kenz:

    I'm rooting for you more than you know. Prayers and hugs for your grief. I wish I knew of something that would comfort you, but, I believe you should take the time to grieve what you've lost and be kind to yourself – so that you can look back and smile at that time in your life that's passed and forward to a future that I just know is fraught with incredible opportunities.

    And someday – altho' not today – you'll feel this:

    "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it HAPPENED." – Dr. Seuss

    hugs bigtime,
    e.

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  • Reply
    Ms. PJ Geek
    August 17, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    Your posts have been both heartbreaking and uplifting the last few days. A tumultuous time for sure. Hoping things will settle for you and make sense soon. Meanwhile you are smart and brave to recognize it is ok to mourn what you are losing. I hope you have a reunion with your Sadie again soon. hang in there

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  • Reply
    Sib
    August 18, 2010 at 2:02 am

    Ditto to all of the above comments. It's all part of life's wonderful journey.
    ((hugs))

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