Sometimes I wonder if it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling, but tonight I know it’s okay. It has to be okay. It’s been another emotional day for me.
Most of my weekend was wonderful, and today has been great. But as I sit here alone, I find myself wishing I could go home soon…knowing that I don’t have a home anymore. I mean, I’ll find a new place to live, but those are just walls. I don’t want to live somewhere new…I want to go home.
I was supposed to mail my keys back today, and I just couldn’t do it. I’m not ready to accept the fact that I’ve lost the life I loved. I can’t imagine never making faux fried chicken then playing Scrabble again or accidentally dropping a piece of zucchini on the floor in the kitchen and watching Sadie pounce on it.
I’ve been so angry and defensive that I haven’t even allowed myself to feel the pain I’m feeling. I haven’t allowed myself to feel my own regrets, but tonight they’re crashing down on me. Tonight I wish I had done some things differently. But more than that, I wish I could lay my heart out under a microscope so the contents could be visible. I wish I could prove what is in my heart and head.
But life doesn’t always work that way. And I suppose it wouldn’t matter even if it did. There are some wonderful things on the horizon, but I don’t think I can fully embrace it without working through the feelings I have now. So I’m going to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling tonight before waking up to face the new day.