I was very emotional when I wrote my last post, and I meant what I said. It was important to be honest about how I was feeling, but I think I caused some of you intense worry. I’m sorry for that, but thank you so much for caring about me. I definitely am worried about myself, but let me clear a few things up.
1) I said I felt like giving up, but I know I cannot give up on my whole life. It’s not an option. I have no intentions of “ending it all” or anything insane like that. I don’t think I elaborated enough after sharing my dream. I don’t think that death would be easier. I was simply expressing the feelings in my dream, but do I believe that when I’m conscious? No way! Not at all…I’m just petrified of what will happen next. I’m scared, and perhaps that dream represents my desire to take the easy way out. But do I want to exit this earth? No. Freaking. Way. I just want things to get better.
2) When I said that I might give up my blog, I did not mean that I would give up on weight-loss. That is simply not an option. I have lost so much weight, but I have also gained so much insight into myself and my desires over the last year. I’ve also met people who mean more to me now that I ever could have imagined at the beginning of this journey. This blog, because of the people who read it and comment on it, has been an incredible source of encouragement for me. But even if it did not exist I wouldn’t stop doing my best to achieve my weight-loss goals. I’ve come too far to turn back. I actually kind of yelled at someone who thought I was giving up on losing weight because that thought was just so insane.
3) I’ve put myself “out there” quite a bit in the last year, but I haven’t said everything I want to say because some things are so personal – like the things I’m going through now. And because I haven’t shared 100% of everything it’s easy for you all to come to your own conclusions about what I’m facing now. Let me be clear…I am talking about the future, and all I know is that it is uncertain.
4) Someone I know very well in person who reads my blog regularly spoke to me tonight and asked if I was clinically depressed. And I just want to be clear…no, I’m not. I’m sad, perhaps even depressed, right now..but there’s no chemical imbalance. I’m just trudging through a perfect storm of insecurity, heartache and loss. Clinical depression is serious business, and I’m a big believer in therapy so I don’t take that lightly.But I know that my circumstances are causing me pain and sadness right now. And when these situations begin to improve I’ll feel my burdens lifted.
5) I have some feelings to deal with…feelings of loss and sadness. And I have to figure out some things about my life and the direction it’s going to go in, and I have to do it on my own. It does not, however, mean that I cannot depend on the people I love to love me back…to listen and support me. I believe I am loved, and I believe that I am worth being loved even on my lowest days. This is who I am…
So I still don’t have many answers, but I will soon. I have a goal now…something upon which to focus my efforts, and when I do that I usually succeed. And starting now I’m going to hold my chin up and act like I deserve to be loved. I am going to grab my life by the horns and make it what I want it to be, and I’m going try to cling to my internal hope mechanism, being confident that I will someday have the desires of my heart.
One of my favorite quotes is “If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.” I whined in my last post, and in this one I am searching for strength, love and determination. And I’m not going to stop searching for it until I find it.
After my last post I took a shower and even ate a piece of pizza from The Hideaway. Later today I will workout. I’ll even try to eat a little more and a little better than I did yesterday. I know what I want…I know what my heart wants…And I know what my gut is telling me to do so I’ll try to let that lead me. I’m going to do my best. Shrinking Kenz has scary, tough moments, but she doesn’t give up that easily. Not. A. Chance.