Lifestyle Love Reflection

Clearing Up A Few Things

I was very emotional when I wrote my last post, and I meant what I said. It was important to be honest about how I was feeling, but I think I caused some of you intense worry. I’m sorry for that, but thank you so much for caring about me. I definitely am worried about myself, but let me clear a few things up.

1) I said I felt like giving up, but I know I cannot give up on my whole life. It’s not an option. I have no intentions of “ending it all” or anything insane like that. I don’t think I elaborated enough after sharing my dream. I don’t think that death would be easier. I was simply expressing the feelings in my dream, but do I believe that when I’m conscious? No way! Not at all…I’m just petrified of what will happen next. I’m scared, and perhaps that dream represents my desire to take the easy way out. But do I want to exit this earth? No. Freaking. Way. I just want things to get better.

2) When I said that I might give up my blog, I did not mean that I would give up on weight-loss. That is simply not an option. I have lost so much weight, but I have also gained so much insight into myself and my desires over the last year. I’ve also met people who mean more to me now that I ever could have imagined at the beginning of this journey. This blog, because of the people who read it and comment on it, has been an incredible source of encouragement for me. But even if it did not exist I wouldn’t stop doing my best to achieve my weight-loss goals. I’ve come too far to turn back. I actually kind of yelled at someone who thought I was giving up on losing weight because that thought was just so insane.

3) I’ve put myself “out there” quite a bit in the last year, but I haven’t said everything I want to say because some things are so personal – like the things I’m going through now. And because I haven’t shared 100% of everything it’s easy for you all to come to your own conclusions about what I’m facing now. Let me be clear…I am talking about the future, and all I know is that it is uncertain.

4) Someone I know very well in person who reads my blog regularly spoke to me tonight and asked if I was clinically depressed. And I just want to be clear…no, I’m not. I’m sad, perhaps even depressed, right now..but there’s no chemical imbalance. I’m just trudging through a perfect storm of insecurity, heartache and loss. Clinical depression is serious business, and I’m a big believer in therapy so I don’t take that lightly.But I know that my circumstances are causing me pain and sadness right now. And when these situations begin to improve I’ll feel my burdens lifted.

5) I have some feelings to deal with…feelings of loss and sadness. And I have to figure out some things about my life and the direction it’s going to go in, and I have to do it on my own. It does not, however, mean that I cannot depend on the people I love to love me back…to listen and support me. I believe I am loved, and I believe that I am worth being loved even on my lowest days. This is who I am…


So I still don’t have many answers, but I will soon. I have a goal now…something upon which to focus my efforts, and when I do that I usually succeed. And starting now I’m going to hold my chin up and act like I deserve to be loved. I am going to grab my life by the horns and make it what I want it to be, and I’m going try to cling to my internal hope mechanism, being confident that I will someday have the desires of my heart.

One of my favorite quotes is “If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.” I whined in my last post, and in this one I am searching for strength, love and determination. And I’m not going to stop searching for it until I find it.

After my last post I took a shower and even ate a piece of pizza from The Hideaway. Later today I will workout. I’ll even try to eat a little more and a little better than I did yesterday. I know what I want…I know what my heart wants…And I know what my gut is telling me to do so I’ll try to let that lead me. I’m going to do my best. Shrinking Kenz has scary, tough moments, but she doesn’t give up that easily. Not. A. Chance.

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19 Comments

  • Reply
    Jill
    August 19, 2010 at 6:49 am

    Apparently I'm not the only one who can't sleep right now. 😛 It sounds like you do have your head on straight, and even though sometimes you're over run by emotion, you can still step back and look at the bigger picture. Best of luck. That's a great quote btw!

  • Reply
    Diz
    August 19, 2010 at 7:07 am

    I love Hideaway Pizza! Just sayin… 😉 Glad to see you're hanging in there and taking care of business girl! Heart you!! xoxo

  • Reply
    Sean Anderson
    August 19, 2010 at 8:37 am

    You're so beautiful, smart, incredibly talented, hugely accomplished (98% of your readers don't even know just how accomplished you have been in life—or the struggles you've overcome…your entire story, I sincerely hope, should be shared in a book someday–when you're ready…because seriously—you're in a very elite category–you're absolutely amazing) and most of all–you're immensely loved by so many people in so many ways. We don't have to have all of the answers–all at once…I'm not sure we could handle that anyway—but we move forward with our "internal hope mechanism," and we have faith—we believe, and we feel comfort in knowing that we're good in so many ways.
    We should talk very soon—my schedule yesterday wasn't very good for proper communication.

  • Reply
    Joan
    August 19, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Love you have a blessed day today; a day of accomplishments. A day that will be meaningful for you and not everyone else. One day at a time. MOM

  • Reply
    Cassie
    August 19, 2010 at 10:24 am

    This post sounds much hopeful (like you said, last post was just pure emotion, this post is stronger and more focused.

    I may have been one of those people who expressed concern over your last post. This post explains things a bit more.

    Whatever you are going through you can handle! You are a strong woman and will be stronger having gone through your trials.

    I love your quote, it's very appropriate.

    Rock your world girl 😉 One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

  • Reply
    Tammy
    August 19, 2010 at 11:00 am

    On a much smaller scale, I recently had a setback at work. Someone who I thought was a good friend decided that we could not be friends. Earlier in the year, we had a little setback, but I acknowledged my part in it and apologized for hurting her unintentionally. Even though she accepted my apology verbally, she didn't really accept it. She sent me this arrogant email about all the decisions SHE made about our friendship. While I was surprised and hurt, I decided that those were HER choices and they would not affect the way I live MY life. I hope you can work through your problems soon. You are the captain of your life!

  • Reply
    KellyNY
    August 19, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Kenz, I'm glad you cleared a few things up. One step at a time, one day at a time. Chin up!

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 19, 2010 at 11:23 am

    your blog has been very inspiring and you look absolutely amazing- don't lose sight of the big picture and how much you have lost- time does make things better and the clock will tick and things will get better so in the meantime just keep moving forward and talk to those who can help you

  • Reply
    Melissa (@nerdysciencemom)
    August 19, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    I was happy to see this post after your last one. This is so much more hopeful. Though I completely understand what you were trying to say in the last one — I've felt the same way. You are a strong person. But even strong people struggle from time to time. I know you will come out on top in the end. If you ever need a friendly ear, just let me know.

  • Reply
    Steelers6
    August 19, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Hugs.

    Chrissy

  • Reply
    Deb
    August 19, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Kenz, you will get through this. It sounds like you are starting the climb up.

    I do hope you keep up your blog, but that is for selfish reasons, since I get so much inspiration from it. I also appreciate how real you are on here.

    In the end, you need to take care of yourself first, and do what you need to get through your current struggles.

    As long as you are blogging, I'll be here reading and supporting you. If you take a break, then I'll be back reading when you come back to writing.

  • Reply
    trippingtiffies
    August 19, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    You are amazing, Kenz. Nuff' said.

  • Reply
    Lisa @No More Diet Drama
    August 19, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    I think it's amazing how you are so connected with how you are feeling right now. That is something to be very proud of Kenz. You are strong. How easy would it be to drowned yourself in excess food or any other "numbing" behavior. You're not doing that. You are feeling the pain, still moving when the waves are crashing down on you, and be honest with yourself. It's normal to have periods of extreme sadness in our lives. It shapes who we are. I just wanted you to know that I think it's commendable that you are working through "this" and not hiding under a blanket with a bunch of oreos. Kenz….it will get better. Brighter days will return. Hang in there 🙂

  • Reply
    Bethanny
    August 19, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Never apologize for expressing yourself and sharing your feelings! Sometimes there are speed bumps in life and we have to almost come to a complete stop before we get past them.

  • Reply
    Julie
    August 19, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Good Deal! This post sounds much more promising!

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    August 19, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    One foot in front of the other, girlfriend. Eventually, you'll be able to look ahead AND back over your shoulder–and understand this difficult time. I'm rooting for you.

    Deb

  • Reply
    jennykate77
    August 19, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, Kenz! God has good plans for you. You are loved. It would be a shame for you to give up blogging…we've all gained so much from your experiences and from you sharing those experiences with us.

    When it comes to blogging, or life in general, always remember the words of a very wise man…
    “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
    ~ Dr. Seuss
    ♥

  • Reply
    SeattleRunnerGirl
    August 19, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    You know, there's a verse in the Bible that says (I think in Proverbs) that hope deferred makes the heart sick. I know what it feels like to wonder if/when you will experience, in your life, the desires of your heart. Please know that IT WILL HAPPEN. It's just a matter of when. And not knowing when. And waiting. (Sounds so simple, right? Not!) It's hard, and some days it totally sucks. So I'm GLAD you came here yesterday and poured out what you were feeling. I hope you do that every day – good, bad, and in between. THAT is as good as $120/hour therapy, friend!

  • Reply
    Jennifer
    August 20, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Kenz, I'm glad to see you're feeling better and stronger today. You are loved and are a wonderful inspiration. Unfortunately, life can't be rosy all the time. If it were, there would be no growth in our lives. I look forward to your next blog, whatever that might bring.

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