My posts are often filled with an encouraging message. I am generally upbeat, and even during struggles I find a way to see the positives. Today, my friends, this is not the case. Today I’m just whiny, scared and selfish so read at your own risk.
I’ve been more stressed out in the last several weeks than I’ve been at any other point in my life, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve had some fun times since arriving in Oklahoma, but there has been a big, dark cloud looming over me the entire time. That’s why I’ve been so sporadic with my blogging. I like to have something good to say, but the dark cloud is overshadowing the good right now. Everything is falling apart.
My life in New York is completely up in the air at this point. I cannot live where I lived before nor can I go back to the way things were – back to the life that I’ve enjoyed so much in the last few years. I need a different job, a different address and a plan – and I need it all in the next 8 days. It’s strange to be 30 years old and unsure of myself.
Should I start over in New York? Is that even possible? Is this a good time to start a new chapter somewhere else? I just don’t know. I feel lost. Never in my life have I been so afraid of what will happen next, and lately I have allowed that fear of the unknown to cripple me.
I haven’t posted about the fears and aggravation I’m feeling now because I didn’t want to explain my personal problems in full detail on the web. At the same time, I find it easy to share my ups and downs with you, my blog friends. And right now I’m hurting…I’m confused…and looking within myself for answers is not working yet.
My blog is personal, and this temultuous time is a part of my journey. In fact, this is probably the most important time for me to keep moving forward with my healthy habits though I cannot honestly say I have. I have been exercising in the last week though not as much as usual. And as I mentioned in a post recently, I have not been tracking my food intake with the same diligence as I have in prior months. I am fairly certain that I’ve gained about 5 pounds…:( I’m doing better this week, but there’s definitely still room for improvement.
I have no answers nor do I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could forgive and be forgiven. I wish I could feel peace that things will work out even though they’re hard now, but that doesn’t seem realistic today.
I feel lost and confused and unsure, and I don’t know what to do…I have a family that loves and supports me, friends who take me just as I am (giant flaws included) and a guy who knows my faults and insecurities and loves me anyway.
But I miss my Weight Watchers group. I miss the bonds I’ve formed in that room over the last year and a half. It is terrifying to think that I may not be with that group every Thursday through good and bad. The people in that group are so much more than random acquaintances who share my desire to lose weight. They’re in my corner, supporting me even as I’m 1,500 miles away. I want to hang on to that!
I miss my dog, and I even miss the person who destroyed me. I’m disappointed and angry with him now, but that doesn’t change the fact that his presence in my life meant a lot at one point. And he’s pissed too, but that doesn’t change the way I’ll remember him someday.
I’m supposed to board a plane back to New York a week from tomorrow, and I’m not sure if it will happen or not. The only “plan” in place is a ride from the airport should I choose to go back. Unfortunately, I’m not sure where I’ll go when I land so it may not happen.
I know that life is sometimes a test, and I wish I could go forward confidently knowing that I’ll do my best and get through it. But the truth is that my confidence in myself is shaken – again, and this time I have no one to blame but myself.
I have not been doing my best with my life in any area except weight-loss. I’ve coasted – hoping that I’d lose enough weight to be good enough…
I have allowed this transformation to be the most important part of my world, and I do not regret that choice. But I have other things to figure out now too. It has been said that I have a habit of over complicating things, but today my life feels like a big, jumbled mess. Taking it one step at a time seems like a good plan, but I don’t even know what the first step should be. Okay, the first step is exercise. I have a date with the elliptical machine after I post this blog. Now if I can figure out what to do with the rest of my life I’ll be okay.
My life has changed, and it has all happened at once. And I know that soon there will be some defining moments, and I hope that I make good choices moving forward. I’m a smart, capable person who needs to remember that “I am the master of my fate.” My brain knows that, but my heart is weak. I want to be strong, and I want to do the right thing. But today I just need to know what that is…