Consumed By Fear…Really? Yep…

My posts are often filled with an encouraging message. I am generally upbeat, and even during struggles I find a way to see the positives. Today, my friends, this is not the case. Today I’m just whiny, scared and selfish so read at your own risk.

I’ve been more stressed out in the last several weeks than I’ve been at any other point in my life, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve had some fun times since arriving in Oklahoma, but there has been a big, dark cloud looming over me the entire time. That’s why I’ve been so sporadic with my blogging. I like to have something good to say, but the dark cloud is overshadowing the good right now. Everything is falling apart.

My life in New York is completely up in the air at this point. I cannot live where I lived before nor can I go back to the way things were – back to the life that I’ve enjoyed so much in the last few years. I need a different job, a different address and a plan – and I need it all in the next 8 days. It’s strange to be 30 years old and unsure of myself.

Should I start over in New York? Is that even possible? Is this a good time to start a new chapter somewhere else? I just don’t know. I feel lost. Never in my life have I been so afraid of what will happen next, and lately I have allowed that fear of the unknown to cripple me.

I haven’t posted about the fears and aggravation I’m feeling now because I didn’t want to explain my personal problems in full detail on the web. At the same time, I find it easy to share my ups and downs with you, my blog friends. And right now I’m hurting…I’m confused…and looking within myself for answers is not working yet.

My blog is personal, and this temultuous time is a part of my journey. In fact, this is probably the most important time for me to keep moving forward with my healthy habits though I cannot honestly say I have. I have been exercising in the last week though not as much as usual. And as I mentioned in a post recently, I have not been tracking my food intake with the same diligence as I have in prior months. I am fairly certain that I’ve gained about 5 pounds…:( I’m doing better this week, but there’s definitely still room for improvement.

I have no answers nor do I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could forgive and be forgiven. I wish I could feel peace that things will work out even though they’re hard now, but that doesn’t seem realistic today.

I feel lost and confused and unsure, and I don’t know what to do…I have a family that loves and supports me, friends who take me just as I am (giant flaws included) and a guy who knows my faults and insecurities and loves me anyway.

But I miss my Weight Watchers group. I miss the bonds I’ve formed in that room over the last year and a half. It is terrifying to think that I may not be with that group every Thursday through good and bad. The people in that group are so much more than random acquaintances who share my desire to lose weight. They’re in my corner, supporting me even as I’m 1,500 miles away. I want to hang on to that!

I miss my dog, and I even miss the person who destroyed me. I’m disappointed and angry with him now, but that doesn’t change the fact that his presence in my life meant a lot at one point. And he’s pissed too, but that doesn’t change the way I’ll remember him someday.

I’m supposed to board a plane back to New York a week from tomorrow, and I’m not sure if it will happen or not. The only “plan” in place is a ride from the airport should I choose to go back. Unfortunately, I’m not sure where I’ll go when I land so it may not happen.

I know that life is sometimes a test, and I wish I could go forward confidently knowing that I’ll do my best and get through it. But the truth is that my confidence in myself is shaken – again, and this time I have no one to blame but myself.

I have not been doing my best with my life in any area except weight-loss. I’ve coasted – hoping that I’d lose enough weight to be good enough…

I have allowed this transformation to be the most important part of my world, and I do not regret that choice. But I have other things to figure out now too. It has been said that I have a habit of over complicating things, but today my life feels like a big, jumbled mess. Taking it one step at a time seems like a good plan, but I don’t even know what the first step should be. Okay, the first step is exercise. I have a date with the elliptical machine after I post this blog. Now if I can figure out what to do with the rest of my life I’ll be okay.

My life has changed, and it has all happened at once. And I know that soon there will be some defining moments, and I hope that I make good choices moving forward. I’m a smart, capable person who needs to remember that “I am the master of my fate.” My brain knows that, but my heart is weak. I want to be strong, and I want to do the right thing. But today I just need to know what that is…

You Might Also Like

41 Comments

  • Reply
    kristi
    August 11, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    I feel lost sometimes too …I lost a good job I had been at for 15 years, now I am starting over. Job hunting and trying to take care of two kids..ugh.
    Hang in there, it will get better!

    0
  • Reply
    Allan
    August 11, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    We have room in NY, and I am sure I can use someone in the restaurant. Options abound in this blogging world, and you have friends you don't know about. A small repayment for the inspiration that you and Sean have given me. Don't be shy if you need help.

    0
  • Reply
    brynn
    August 11, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    Even through all the sadness I see hope in your writing. You are going to be just fine. I know a couple of the people in your circle and you need to lean on them.

    I'm going to pray for you. I think you are an exceptional person!

    0
  • Reply
    {Absolutely, Positively} Josie
    August 11, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    prayed for your niece earlier, Kenz. now i pray for you!

    0
  • Reply
    KellyNY
    August 11, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    Deep breath, girl. It will get better, and talking about it will make you feel better, too. Rally around the people around you. (((HUGS)))

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 11, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    Hang in there! I'm a relatively new reader, but wanted to let you know I'll be saying a prayer for you tonight. Whatever you decide, it's all going to be okay. It may be hard to believe that now, but it will. I was a crossroads myself almost 20 years ago and made a cross-country move to a new life for myself. Best move I ever made. Don't run away from your problems, but also, don't be afraid to run to a new opportunity. Sounds like you've got some soul-searching to do and hopefully in the end, the answer will seem really clear and make sense to you. Stay strong and good for you for keeping the exercise up even though you're stressed. That will help you get through this!

    0
  • Reply
    laurie
    August 12, 2010 at 12:02 am

    First of all, you need to pick a state. Not a state to live in forever, but just a place to catch your breath for a few months.

    Next you need to find someone to live with, again, not to live with forever, but just temporarily. Parents, friend, whomever….

    After that you need to get Sadie moved to wherever you are.

    At the same time, file for unemployment benefits to tide you over while you contemplate your options.

    One step at a time, not everything has to be lined up for your future at this instant….

    And breathe, and exercise, and breathe…..

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 12, 2010 at 12:11 am

    Kenlie, as you sent out a cry for prayer for Hannah, I just wanted to tell you that besides praying for her I will be praying for you in this time of transition. I can't pretend to know your feelings but I've been through a lot of the same kinds of struggles, so I will fervently pray for you. I know you only met me a few times when you were little but I feel such a bond to you because your mom is one of my most precious friends and because you have encouraged me so much! God will make a way for you where there seems to be no way.
    Linda Downey

    0
  • Reply
    Elizabeth.
    August 12, 2010 at 12:16 am

    AWESOME advice from Laurie. Seriously. Pets, friends, loved ones – that's where it's at. If you're not in New York right now, that DOESN'T mean you never will be, ya know? I have lost everything before – but I have learned that a) you're stronger than you think you are b) your circle gets very very small when life kicks you in the pants – that's when you need friends, family, loved ones, pets NEARBY. and c) even if your heart got you in trouble before (while following it), don't let that deter you from allowing your heart to make some of your decisions going forward. You have a great way of affecting people positively, Kenz. It's a gift. And because of that, I know you'll be great. Prayers for my friend Kenz tonite and all who love her… you don't have to have it all together (not even a lil) at 30. You just don't. 🙂 Everything will be okay – you're one smart cookie who will breathe and will work everything out. Lean on those peeps, Kenz – seriously. Again, hugs and prayers…

    <3
    e.

    0
  • Reply
    Christine
    August 12, 2010 at 12:22 am

    I am in upstate NY. If there's anything I can do to help, please just ask. Like Allan said, you have friends all over the blogging world. If you need help, just ask.

    0
  • Reply
    Overweight in SoCal
    August 12, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Kenz I'm praying for you tonight. Down on my knees for you. Heaven can hear your name. I'll keep on praying for you.

    After reading your post the song by the Katinas -Praying for you- came to mind. Please listen to it when you have a minute.

    Things will work out. We're all praying for you. So hold on and be strong

    0
  • Reply
    Bombshell Beauty
    August 12, 2010 at 12:26 am

    One more person out here who loves you, Kenz. Thinking of you.

    0
  • Reply
    SeattleRunnerGirl
    August 12, 2010 at 12:35 am

    Oh Lord in heaving do I ever know how you are feeling. It IS frustrating to have everything up in the air. But I need you to take a DEEP breath and remember some stuff.

    First, NO MATTER WHAT, you are enough and loved and beautiful. No matter what. Whatever the situation in NY is, whether you've gained 5 pounds, whether you end up in Tennessee or Tibuktu, none of that changes this truth.

    Second, Laurie's advice is great – take things one step at a time. Take a step back and figure out what you want your LIFE to look like, generally. i.e., close to family? Focused on your job? Focused on your city? THEN start putting the pieces in place to make that happen.

    Keep centered on what you know to be true. Take charge of that which you can control and TRULY LET GO of the rest.

    As my mom always says, do what's in front of you, trust God for the rest.

    And know if you ever need to talk about any of this stuff in a less public venue than your blog, you can e-mail me (or any one of us, I am sure!). Sometimes it helps to have a not-so-stranger to bounce things off.

    Hang in there!

    P.S. So, SO glad Hannah is okay. You scared me.

    0
  • Reply
    Diz
    August 12, 2010 at 12:47 am

    Girl I been praying for you and Hannah for days. I hope you see the rays of sunlight soon. 🙂 XOXO love you!

    0
  • Reply
    Jen @ tatertotsandjello.com
    August 12, 2010 at 12:55 am

    I'm thinking about you Kenlie. You are such a strong, beautiful, smart and caring person. Have faith in yourself. I am praying that you will get the answers you are seeking soon.

    Love ya!

    XOXO
    Jen

    0
  • Reply
    jaz@octoberfarm
    August 12, 2010 at 12:56 am

    hi kenz…i've been reading your post but have not commented before. i am writing now because there is one key phrase in your post that alarmed me. "you've coasted losing wait to feel good enough". the true success to weight loss or destroying any bad behavior is loving who you are on the inside and disregarding the outside. once you find the inner peace the outside will just naturally catch up with your internal feelings. this is your life. don't allow old habits to make it stressful. enjoy each day. go with your gut feelings. if you make a change and you don't like it, make another change. don't let you weight be an excuse for either your happiness or sadness. if you don't deal with the 'true you' the weight loss will never make you happy in the long term and the chances of gaining it back are great. just look at oprah. as much as she has tried everything, she still battles her weight. look at why you eat and figure out what is bothering you which makes you run to food for comfort. in your post you said that you are stressed and have gained maybe 5 pounds. eating only relieves the stress for a moment. then the stress coupled with the guilt of gaining weight returns. i wish you the best and hang in there. you are beautiful no matter what the scales say! always ask yourself if you were taking your last breathe how would this moments stress appear to you? anne

    0
  • Reply
    Tammy
    August 12, 2010 at 12:59 am

    Kenz – this post caught me by surprise because you are always so upbeat. I will be praying for you because you have been such an inspiration to me. Others are so right, you have a lot of friends who care for and love you. Please take care of yourself and let God take care of the rest! You have my email address – don't be afraid to use it!

    0
  • Reply
    Joan
    August 12, 2010 at 1:09 am

    I love you to Kenz; and I have always been proud of you. I know that God will keep you in the palm of his hand and watch over you. I know you miss New York; and I think that is where you were the happiest. I am praying for you a good paying job and a place to live. All this can happen in less than 8 days. Cast your cares upon him and he cares for you. I am sad that your sad; I am praying for you. Love you MOM

    0
  • Reply
    M
    August 12, 2010 at 1:20 am

    Kenz, your post broke my heart. I wish you only the best. You have been given such good advice from your friends. You will make your way through this dark time. Through reading your posts the last several months, I have come to admire you so much. Lean on your friends and family. We love you. Email or call anytime.

    0
  • Reply
    Tammy
    August 12, 2010 at 1:42 am

    Hey girl….listen, you already know that Sean and I are really good friends and have been for many months. He trusts me…you can, too. If you want to talk or if I can do anything to help you, just email me. Sean's got my email. I'm here for you girl…I know you probably feel pretty alone right now…but you're not. Remember that. 🙂

    0
  • Reply
    Steelers6
    August 12, 2010 at 2:17 am

    Hi Kenz, my first time posting. I was soo delighted to finally finish reading all your back posts from the very beginning! I wasn't going to do any commenting until I knew the backstory, where you came from, & now I do, and I may!

    You have inspired me sooo much in the time it has taken me to read everything. I feel for ya reading this post. I have greatly appreciated what I have drawn from you thus far, and if I can be of some help to YOU now in return, it would be my honor and pleasure. I think that sentiment is reflected in all who have posted and will post. You are loved!

    I read over all the other comments above, and I'll bet you felt buoyed by all the love here. I hope so. I too will begin praying for you as you make some choices. I am going to pray for peace and direction for you, & I thought of this verse that encouraged me SO MUCH recently.
    Isaiah 43:19
    "Behold I will do something new
    Now it will spring forth
    Will you not be aware of it?
    I will even make a roadway in the wilderness."

    Blessings to you,
    Chrissy

    0
  • Reply
    279
    August 12, 2010 at 2:39 am

    Thinking of you and hoping that the right decisions come without too much stress. One step at a time is all you can do. Do what is best, although at times we don't know what that is. Usually in the end, "everything happens for a reason" and it works out great. Wishing you only the best.

    0
  • Reply
    Moving Mertle
    August 12, 2010 at 3:28 am

    I'm thinking of you and sending courage and positive energy. It was the hardest thing for me to move out of Indiana. You have to take time to figure out what you want to do and where you want to be. I had no idea what to do and couldn't get a job so I went back to school. My dream is to live in Seattle but that wasn't possible so I moved with family in Montana. I'm so much happier. I know what you're going through and all I can say is take time and figure out what you think is best….then just jump! It's hard but the result is worth it. Thinking of you, stay positive

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 12, 2010 at 3:51 am

    Even when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's still there. You are going to make it.

    -that TOPS lady

    0
  • Reply
    Heather B.
    August 12, 2010 at 4:05 am

    Sending up prayers for you tonight!! Life can be hard and sometimes it just down right sucks being an adult! but you will get through this and at some point all will be the way it should be. God as huge plans for you but following his plan is WAY harder to do when it is not what WE feel we should be doing!! You can always make a detour stop in the great state of TEXAS! I'd love to meet you!!!!! 🙂 I'd even pick you up in Austin!!! chin up girly! you will get through this!!!

    0
  • Reply
    Rhonda
    August 12, 2010 at 4:44 am

    Kenlie,
    I too am going through a big transition of going back to work after being home for 8 years. It's huge. I've cried at times, I've doubted my decision, I've prayed for direction (that was key), and once I made the decision…I went with it. This past month I have really had to let go of the things that I have no control over. (Like, I cannot set up my room, with no furniture ordered yet.) So much stress lately…I'm still running, not away, but for exercise. It helps. I'm sure you felt somewhat better after the eliptical tonight.

    Hang in there. One step at a time…You are STRONG! You can handle it. You are wise…you are fabulous!

    I love you and will pray for you. So glad to hear about your niece!

    0
  • Reply
    Shane G.
    August 12, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Kenzi, you are strong, beautiful and intelligent. I have no doubt you and God will have this sorted out by the time you have to have it figured out. Just give it God and he will make it work. I promise. You fretting and over thinking will not solve your problems. I just learned that this week when I told God I was going to let him find me a job instead, and voila, one fell in my lap. I know it is hard to let go of control, but sometimes it is necessary.

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 12, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Kenz, I don't know what church your father pastor's. Is it a Bible believing Bible preaching church? Are you running from God? Maybe He is putting you through this trial for a reason. I say this in a loving way. If you are a child of God, he will correct us in order to bring us closer to Him. Just as an earthly father would do. If you get your life right with God everything else will fall into place. My prayer are with you. The world will try to convince you that they have all the answers. Trust me they do not.

    0
  • Reply
    Sean Anderson
    August 12, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    My dear,
    Everything I want to say–I say it to you in person…But, I wanted to just pop in and say—these speed bumps are temporary–and can be a good thing, if you look at it that way. It's always about the attitude and perspective we choose to use. We choose, baby. You have many friends baby—and a really bright future…it's all good, despite how it seems at the moment.
    Seriously…Just saying…

    0
  • Reply
    AndreaLeigh
    August 12, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    I'm sorry K. I don't know what to say, but I am thinking of you. If you want to talk, I am here.

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 12, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Kenz –
    Just remember God does not give us anything we cannot handle. It may seem like we cannot at times but we can.

    Life is about taking one step at a time. It might be a baby step or a long distance jump but it's still one step at a time. Keeping yourself healthy is the first step. Stress does horrible things to our bodies.

    Also, remember that you have a sweet little "fur" baby that needs you,loves you, and depends on you.

    You have friends all over the United States just reach out. We all love you.

    0
  • Reply
    Jo
    August 12, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Kenz,

    You have been given some good advice here. I want to stress that you should get your little pet with you. A lick on the chin from a warm furry friend who loves you unconditionally is priceless when you are down.

    Second, you have a great support group here. Contact some of them privately and I believe doors will start opening for you. You have encouraged so many. Maybe it's time for us to repay some of that.

    All the best,
    Jo

    0
  • Reply
    Deb
    August 12, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    You do sound kind of lost in your post. But, you also sound like you are trying to find a direction. Given the determination you have shown so many times, I know you will find it.

    What advice would you give to yourself, if it wasn't yourself you were talking to?

    0
  • Reply
    Jessica
    August 12, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    I love reading your blog, and this post tugged at my heart. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. You're somebody I've grown to admire and I hope that you know my prayers are with you and I pray that you'll be able to find solutions that will make you so happy.

    You can do great things, look at your weight loss, that's proof that whatever you set your mind to bring about will happen. You so got this!

    0
  • Reply
    PrettyWoman
    August 12, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    I have been where you are my friend. I know that sick to your stomach feeling very well. Sometimes losing it wll and being burned to ash is the greatest thing. You will rise from the ash as someone new. Better. I promise. Go crank some Pearl Jam and dance.

    0
  • Reply
    Sarah
    August 12, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Everything will be Ok in the end, if it's not Ok then it's not the end.

    Just a quote I try and remember when things get on top of me. Good luck x

    0
  • Reply
    Lisa @No More Diet Drama
    August 12, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    So sorry you're hurting. I understand not wanting to put the "down" times on your blog. I tend to me that way, and at the moment I'm feeling pretty ick.

    Anyhow…this isn't about me. I just wanted you to know that I was sending hugs your way. I really hope you figure things out soon. Life is a marathon. At times it's exhausting, but the victory can be glorious.

    0
  • Reply
    Lisa Love
    August 12, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    Well shoot. Sorry Kenz, I posted in the wrong place. I give up! Just read all the replies and saw where I could comment…sigh. That is me in a nutshell.

    0
  • Reply
    Sib
    August 13, 2010 at 12:50 am

    I agree with Sean…
    "these speed bumps are temporary–and can be a good thing, if you look at it that way. It's always about the attitude and perspective we choose to use. We choose, baby. You have many friends baby—and a really bright future…it's all good, despite how it seems at the moment."

    Sending you ((HUGS)) and if you feel the need to escape to Australia for a little while, you're always welcome here.

    0
  • Reply
    Genie @ Diet of 51
    August 13, 2010 at 2:31 am

    You have the one of the best overall attitudes of anyone I've ever encountered. You will figure this out! I know you will! HUGS!!

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 13, 2010 at 3:24 am

    Kenlie, You are one of the most talented, intelligent and strongest women I know. Please, know that my prayers continue to be with you through this brief troubled-time.

    A few months ago you gave me some pretty sound advice. After a year and a half of struggles, because of you, I am moving forward to a better and happier future.

    You give the most logical and reasonable advice, really. So, as Deb put it…What advice would you give to yourself, if it wasn't yourself you were talking to? Then take it!!

    I love you girl. Call again if you need to talk. ~Linda

    0
  • Leave a Reply

    %d bloggers like this: