How Do I Do It?

Since I woke up today I’ve been searching for inner joy. And I think I was beginning to taste it for the first time only a few months ago. When I smiled there was no denying that I was incredibly happy. There was no way to speak to me and not feel the happiness oozing out of me. I was giddy…and so thankful for life’s blessings. I felt free and complete.


Where did those feelings go? Are they gone or just hidden? Was it real? It’s as real as anything I’ve ever felt my friends, and I want it back. I want to grab it and hold it tightly, but I’m not sure how to get it before altering my circumstances.

Sometimes life is hard, but does that mean that I’m unhappy? Or does it simply mean that I need to get through the hard parts to recognize the joy I became so accustomed to feeling? Should I feel content even during the hardest of times? If so, I need to learn how to find that self-contentment. I definitely want it.

I know I have flaws, and I know that I don’t love myself as much as I should. That has been blatantly obvious lately, hasn’t it? I don’t have inner peace that comes with total security in one’s self so when struggles came all at once recently I fell apart like a scared little girl. I’d love to know how to change that, but I’m not sure how to do it yet.

One thing I discovered about myself today is that I look forward to big moments and small moments, and often times my happiness comes from the anticipation of the good times I have to look forward to. It doesn’t come from a quiet contentment based on the knowledge that everything will work itself out. How do I find that? I asked God for it last week, but there must be more to it. Should I have faith or something? Is there something more tangible?

I am not embarrassed to say that I long for unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. Why would I pretend I don’t want those things? Anyone who has been paying attention knows that these desires are not new. But I do want to love myself completely. I want to know how. I am smart, successful and caring, and there are plenty of reasons to love me so why do I walk down the street or into a new place feeling the need to prove that I’m more than just an overweight person?

I’m never going to be perfect. I won’t always react the way others think I should, and I’m going to disappoint people that I care about sometimes. But I firmly stand by the fact that I’m worth the effort it takes to become the person I want to be, and I didn’t learn that yesterday. No one had to enlighten me to that fact. It’s a process that I’ve been going through since I began my weight-loss journey.

And who I am today –not just who I’ll be a year from now or five years from now – should be enough. I should accept myself and be willing to continue to grow. I’m being honest with myself when I’m selfish, impatient, emotional and insecure, but more often I’m sincere, compassionate and giving. And I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

I’ve never spent this much time writing a blog post, but I think it’s important for me to understand my own frustrations, my own weaknesses and my strengths
because I have those too.

Like weight-loss, there is no magic pill that will fix my insecurities. There is no cure for imperfection. I just have to face each day with determination and hope. Perhaps if I do that the answers to life’s questions will find me.

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14 Comments

  • Reply
    Sarah
    August 21, 2010 at 2:33 am

    Love you!

  • Reply
    jen
    August 21, 2010 at 2:40 am

    Kenz,
    Your post tonight is one of the most thoughtful, honest ones I've read. I wish I knew the answer to your many questions. I, too, suffer with insecurities and doubts about myself. On a daily basis there is a voice telling me that I'll never be thin. It tells me that eventually it will all be too much for me and I'll give in to a binge again. All I can do at times like that is pray and renew my determination to succeed this time. I have to tell myself that I'm worth it, even if I don't totally believe it yet myself. I'll continue to pray for both of us.

  • Reply
    Stevie from across
    August 21, 2010 at 3:12 am

    Hi, neighbor. Your post tonight was out of the ballpark! Love, Love, Love it!! I think it's safe to say you're back! I miss you soo much! My prayers have been answered for you I know this is true!!!! Love, Steff

  • Reply
    Umm Omar
    August 21, 2010 at 3:26 am

    I've been following your blog but am compelled to comment for the first time tonight. This post was so honest and clear. You articulated the human experience amazingly! Wish you all the best!

  • Reply
    Diz
    August 21, 2010 at 7:07 am

    One of your top posts girl. 🙂 I remember only a few of your posts that have really struck me- this one is one of them. Way to go babe- you're starting to dig in and dig deep- the answers are there- you just have to find them. XO!

  • Reply
    SheFit
    August 21, 2010 at 7:21 am

    What a great transparent post! I love it. I'm glad that you are taking time to hear God out and what he wants to tell you. This is something that I too often miss out on because of my busy lifestyle. A great reminder to quiet and still and know that he is God.

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    August 21, 2010 at 8:35 am

    You know, Kenz, of all of yourposts–this one, has the feel of taking the time to hear yourself.

    Everyone needs to feel heard by a person to feel like they count to that person–most especially when that person is yourself. You counted today, to you. You have given yourself voice.

    Thank you for letting us hear you, too.

    Regarding heppiness,joy and contentment. You know, happiness is and always will be dependent upon current circumstances. That's just how it goes. And it is needful.

    Only the insane (really) are out of touch with reality enough to be skipping along, singing a happy tune, as tragedy or heartbreak or disappointments occur.

    You've had some stuff go on in your life, dear one, not being happy is just the thermometer that shows that. It is also part of what motivates a person to clean things up and put them in order.

    Contentment is another thing entirely. That is a deep sense that God remains, no matter what or who is lost, and holds you tight. No matter what the circumstances, contentment comes when you know that it is well with your soul.

    Joy is the same. It does not always bubble. 🙂 Joy is a deeper thing. Often a quieter thing–like the ocean. Although great waves and swells do occur, it is quiet in the depths. The depths are always there–and that is wherre the life dwells.

    Life may play upon the surface, but it is nourished in the deep–just out of sight.

    These last few days–as gruesome and painful and tumultuous as they have been–have found you grabbing hold and looking further. These times are giving you a great gift.

    Your heart will heal. Your life will stabilize. Happiness will bubble again. And you will know how to be with yourself when it does.

    I am sad that this time is so hard–and I rejoice on your behalf at the fruit that is being produced by it.

    Joy and contentment are making their way to your heart. Hang on & keep giving yourself voice.

    Deb

  • Reply
    josh healy
    August 21, 2010 at 9:53 am

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  • Reply
    Genie @ Diet of 51
    August 21, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    "It doesn't come from a quiet contentment based on the knowledge that everything will work itself out."

    I'm a lot older than you, and I can't find that place either. It would be nice if it was earned with age, but I can tell you that it's not.

    I've had an emotional week because I'm a finalist for two jobs, one that I want badly, the other not quite as much, but both are far better than what I have. Quite contentment waiting for decisions on these? NOT!! I've been a basket case. Because my current job situation is so bad, my husband and son have seen my despair and anguish like nobody should have to.

    I suspect not getting the "inner peace gene" has a lot to do with my eating habits. Hmmmmm….. Now you're really making me think.

    You are very wise for your years. That you recognize these things about yourself is knowledge, and knowledge is power.

    Good luck with your current struggles, and remember that you are not alone in seeking answers and peace.

  • Reply
    Lisa Love
    August 21, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Kenz,

    I will continue praying for you and that you experience "the peace that passeth all understanding."

    Lisa

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 21, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    There are children at an oncology unit near you who would love to have a little gift basket brought in from a pretty lady, or from a pretty lady dressed as a clown or a kitty. 🙂 The lines at the soup kitchens, food pantries, and shelters are growing longer by the day–and all of those places need volunteers to help serve our fellow humans. I can take a sandwhich today to the homeless man outside of Costco, even though I am out of work I still have a kitchen and enough money to may PB&J sammys. 🙂

    Just as you are struggling, so too are others, perhaps in many different ways but nevertheless… There is strength in unity, and inner joy arises when we share our compassion and skills with others. You will find your self acceptance and compassion when you freely give both, every single day, to others.

    You are blessed beyond measure. Share your blessings. They will grow.

  • Reply
    Susan Astramskas-Simpson
    August 21, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    Kenz I just recently started reading your blog and am trying to find the courage to continue writing one myself. If you have time stop by Incredible Shrinking Susan at blogspot.com. I only have 3 entries but am going to start again. I had lost about 99 pounds on WW and kept it off for almost a year but I have gained about half of it back.. I'm ready to comit to my one day at a time and keep up the good fight. Thank you for sharing your thoughts as I read your thoughts today It totally reminded me of how I was feeling when my now husband broke up with me before we got married and moved to San Antonio and I was left in Tulsa. I notice you live in NY…that is really cool…I think I would absolutley love NY and my husband Mark is a chef and would have so much opportunity there. Well enough about me…I will keep you in my prayers that God gives you your hearts desires

  • Reply
    Jill
    August 22, 2010 at 2:07 am

    I think you hit something when you said:

    And who I am today -not just who I'll be a year from now or five years from now – should be enough.

    I know people in my life who keep waiting for better things to come along, to hold back on life until a certain something happens, and the truth is, maybe things will be better when that thing happens, but if you're waiting around for it, you're wasting the time you have now.

    You're awesome! *hugs*

  • Reply
    Wendy
    August 22, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    well since everyone else has been so supportive i am going to comment in a totally selfish way….dibs on the gorgous dress in a few weeks when you have lost even more weight and it is way to big for you!!!! lol 😉
    you look awesome and you have such an amazing spirit.
    you can't know the inspiration you are for me to keep a trying even when i fall flat faced into food or the desire to give up!
    {hugs}
    wendy

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