Since I woke up today I’ve been searching for inner joy. And I think I was beginning to taste it for the first time only a few months ago. When I smiled there was no denying that I was incredibly happy. There was no way to speak to me and not feel the happiness oozing out of me. I was giddy…and so thankful for life’s blessings. I felt free and complete.
Where did those feelings go? Are they gone or just hidden? Was it real? It’s as real as anything I’ve ever felt my friends, and I want it back. I want to grab it and hold it tightly, but I’m not sure how to get it before altering my circumstances.
Sometimes life is hard, but does that mean that I’m unhappy? Or does it simply mean that I need to get through the hard parts to recognize the joy I became so accustomed to feeling? Should I feel content even during the hardest of times? If so, I need to learn how to find that self-contentment. I definitely want it.
I know I have flaws, and I know that I don’t love myself as much as I should. That has been blatantly obvious lately, hasn’t it? I don’t have inner peace that comes with total security in one’s self so when struggles came all at once recently I fell apart like a scared little girl. I’d love to know how to change that, but I’m not sure how to do it yet.
One thing I discovered about myself today is that I look forward to big moments and small moments, and often times my happiness comes from the anticipation of the good times I have to look forward to. It doesn’t come from a quiet contentment based on the knowledge that everything will work itself out. How do I find that? I asked God for it last week, but there must be more to it. Should I have faith or something? Is there something more tangible?
I am not embarrassed to say that I long for unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. Why would I pretend I don’t want those things? Anyone who has been paying attention knows that these desires are not new. But I do want to love myself completely. I want to know how. I am smart, successful and caring, and there are plenty of reasons to love me so why do I walk down the street or into a new place feeling the need to prove that I’m more than just an overweight person?
I’m never going to be perfect. I won’t always react the way others think I should, and I’m going to disappoint people that I care about sometimes. But I firmly stand by the fact that I’m worth the effort it takes to become the person I want to be, and I didn’t learn that yesterday. No one had to enlighten me to that fact. It’s a process that I’ve been going through since I began my weight-loss journey.
And who I am today –not just who I’ll be a year from now or five years from now – should be enough. I should accept myself and be willing to continue to grow. I’m being honest with myself when I’m selfish, impatient, emotional and insecure, but more often I’m sincere, compassionate and giving. And I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
I’ve never spent this much time writing a blog post, but I think it’s important for me to understand my own frustrations, my own weaknesses and my strengths
because I have those too.
Like weight-loss, there is no magic pill that will fix my insecurities. There is no cure for imperfection. I just have to face each day with determination and hope. Perhaps if I do that the answers to life’s questions will find me.