If you’ve taken the time to read my posts lately then you know how terrible the last couple of weeks have been for me. I’ve been anxious and worried about going back to New York because things are going to be so different when I get back there.
I have also shared with you all that my heart is broken…and that I have to rebuild my life. And that’s true, but I think I should have been more specific about everything because by not doing so I left it open for everyone to form their own opinions. And some of those opinions are inaccurate. I appreciate everyone who came to my defense in the blogosphere, but my stress and pain has stemmed from mistakes I made before leaving New York and my inability to be completely honest with myself.
I’ve said it before, but I want to be more clear because this blog has been such a tool for me in learning to be honest with myself. I’m returning to New York this week, but I’m not going back to the home I know and love. I’m scared. That is the biggest source of my sadness lately. And without the love and acceptance I felt inside the walls of my home, I’m not sure I even want to be in New York anymore.
It was scary to be 30 years old and suddenly realize that I didn’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life anymore. And that realization came over a month ago, but I think I know what I want now. I have been more stressed over the changes I’m being forced to make than I have at any other point in my life, but now I’m ready to face those changes. I’ve begun to create a plan for success in my mind. And I’ll talk more about that later when I fill in some the details.
This week I should be able to attend my Weight Watchers meeting again for the first time in several weeks. And I’m going to stay with a friend as we work on getting a bigger apartment together. I’m going to start a new job later this month and look into going back to school to take my career in a completely different direction. I’m also going to do my best to become comfortable with who I am today while working on becoming the person I want to be.
I possess some good qualities, but I want to be a better person. I want to be lovable, honest, giving, responsible, driven and many other things that every good person should do their best to be. I’ll never be perfect, but this is a chance for me to start over. This is an opportunity to discover where I really want my life to go, and that is what I’m going to do in the coming weeks.
Wish me luck, will you please?