Just Saying…

If you’ve taken the time to read my posts lately then you know how terrible the last couple of weeks have been for me. I’ve been anxious and worried about going back to New York because things are going to be so different when I get back there.

I have also shared with you all that my heart is broken…and that I have to rebuild my life. And that’s true, but I think I should have been more specific about everything because by not doing so I left it open for everyone to form their own opinions. And some of those opinions are inaccurate. I appreciate everyone who came to my defense in the blogosphere, but my stress and pain has stemmed from mistakes I made before leaving New York and my inability to be completely honest with myself.

I’ve said it before, but I want to be more clear because this blog has been such a tool for me in learning to be honest with myself. I’m returning to New York this week, but I’m not going back to the home I know and love. I’m scared. That is the biggest source of my sadness lately. And without the love and acceptance I felt inside the walls of my home, I’m not sure I even want to be in New York anymore.

It was scary to be 30 years old and suddenly realize that I didn’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life anymore. And that realization came over a month ago, but I think I know what I want now. I have been more stressed over the changes I’m being forced to make than I have at any other point in my life, but now I’m ready to face those changes. I’ve begun to create a plan for success in my mind. And I’ll talk more about that later when I fill in some the details.

This week I should be able to attend my Weight Watchers meeting again for the first time in several weeks. And I’m going to stay with a friend as we work on getting a bigger apartment together. I’m going to start a new job later this month and look into going back to school to take my career in a completely different direction. I’m also going to do my best to become comfortable with who I am today while working on becoming the person I want to be.

I possess some good qualities, but I want to be a better person. I want to be lovable, honest, giving, responsible, driven and many other things that every good person should do their best to be. I’ll never be perfect, but this is a chance for me to start over. This is an opportunity to discover where I really want my life to go, and that is what I’m going to do in the coming weeks.

Wish me luck, will you please?

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28 Comments

  • Reply
    Martine (email: mdally@internode.on.net)
    September 1, 2010 at 6:09 am

    Well said. Good luck with it all… Martine

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  • Reply
    Jill
    September 1, 2010 at 10:07 am

    thanks for the chat today Kenz your words are sinking in thanks. Goodluck returning to NY. Jill

    http://followmeonmyjourney.blogspot.com/

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  • Reply
    jenbythesea
    September 1, 2010 at 10:15 am

    I am thankful that you are on a new path and are feeling more confident. I'm sure that, after having gone through this difficult time, you will be a much stronger person. I continue to pray for you and wish you only the best life has to offer.

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  • Reply
    Shane G.
    September 1, 2010 at 10:35 am

    here is my take on the subject Kenz. Look where you are weight wise as opposed to where you started. That has to have been the biggest challenge of your life and you are succeeding. If you want to make more changes, I promise, with your guts, determination and great attitude, you will be successful! Take that to the bank, Kenzinator!!

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  • Reply
    kathiej
    September 1, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Sounds. Like life is taking a turn for the better
    Good to hear

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  • Reply
    Stephanie
    September 1, 2010 at 11:16 am

    I love your positive attitude, and I hope you're able to attend your WW meeting! Good luck! *Hugs*

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  • Reply
    Steelers6
    September 1, 2010 at 11:47 am

    While you did already express these thoughts over the course of several diff posts, perhaps some ppl hadn't read them all.

    Yes, returning to your beloved city will be both joy & pain initially, I suppose. I hope very quickly it turns to fun, adventure and whoppin' enjoyment in the new challenge you have set out to pursue. As you focus on your new pursuit, I hope the feeling can soon become "ahhh, I'm home"..& you can enjoy your new challenge. ["plan for success"! Love it!]

    Seeing so many that you love in NY, both your WW gang & others will be great, I'm sure!

    Yes, we DO wish you all the best. I'm sure you have wished for a 'redo' over all of this from time to time, as most of us have! but here is to a smooth going forward, dearie.
    Chrissy

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  • Reply
    Genie @ Diet of 51
    September 1, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Good luck to you, Dear Kenz!

    My life is going to change a lot this month, too. At (soon to be) 52, I'm still trying to figure stuff out. If you can move your life in the direction of a career that you'll love at 30, you're going to be so much better off in 22 years. That is a FACT!!

    So bite the bullet (low calorie) and do what you have to do, and the best of luck to you!!!

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  • Reply
    Sean Anderson
    September 1, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Always wishing you the best of luck and everything else! Things will dramatically improve in your world, because you've decided…Nothing can stop you, ever.

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    September 1, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Honesty's a bitch, isn't it? lol But it's the cornerstone that will get you everything else you want out of life. If you can get honest with yourself..with your core…then everything else just gets better from there. I would say I wish you the best of luck, but I've never believed in luck. I believe we make our own way. You're smart and talented…that's clear…and I'm sure you'll accomplish anything you set out to do!! 🙂

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  • Reply
    Granny2Em
    September 1, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Good Luck to you Kenz!

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  • Reply
    Annaleah
    September 1, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    30 years old and you know what you want to do with your life . . . congratulations! I'm 38, and I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. It sounds like you are finding some rays of light in your tunnel. Focus on those and hopefully all of the light will break through soon.

    Thank you for continuing to share your story, and your courage.

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  • Reply
    Annie
    September 1, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Good luck, Sweetie!

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    September 1, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    I'm glad that you will be back with your WW group this week. I know that you have missed them and the structure of a routine. Plus, you missed some great newsletters!

    I'm glad the pieces are falling into place for what will be your new life in NYC. What lies ahead may be better than the life you are missing now.

    Have a safe trip back!

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  • Reply
    MB
    September 1, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Wishing you luck but I don't think you need luck. Like Dorothy – you've had the power all along. Now all you have to do is click your heels together.

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  • Reply
    Deb
    September 1, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Good luck as you move forward!

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  • Reply
    Sarah
    September 1, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    We make our own luck. You can be that woman you want to be!

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  • Reply
    jennykate77
    September 1, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    I wish you all the luck in the world, Kenz! Prayers and positive thoughts your way! Everything will work out just as it should…God always has a bigger plan for us!♥

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  • Reply
    MOM
    September 1, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    I don't totally agree with the blogger that said " we make our own luck. Yes she can be the woman she wants to be; but luck has nothing to do with it. Faith in the God who enables her to overcome the obstacles that come her way. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and evidence of things not seen. She is an overcomer and she will be happy again. She is in God's hands as she has been all her life. We go through hard times but they make us stronger. Man will always fail us as man, but keep your eyes on the goal and prize of the high calling. Peace I give to you and peace I leave with you. You will find peace. I am praying for you. Love you

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  • Reply
    Zobolini
    September 1, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Listen to your Mom, Kenz!

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  • Reply
    Kitten
    September 1, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    Best of luck to you!

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  • Reply
    Rhonda
    September 2, 2010 at 12:41 am

    OH Kenz, your mom is wise! I'm still thinking and praying for you. All you have been through and all you are going through will make you a stronger person. You can do it…just like weight loss, one step at a time.

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  • Reply
    Sib
    September 2, 2010 at 1:30 am

    Life is always changing… Nothing ever stays the same. We either evolve or dissolve. You have the power to create who you want to be and how you choose to respond to what life throws at you. Enjoy the journey!

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  • Reply
    KellyNY
    September 2, 2010 at 1:54 am

    You're about to start a brand new chapter in your life, and it's exciting & scary & exhiliarating all at the same time. And I know you'll land on your own 2 feet!

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    September 2, 2010 at 2:35 am

    Kenz, Your Mom has the right answer for you. The world is blinded, thinking that you can do anything on your own. Left to our own,we are nothing. God loved us before were born and He continues to look out for us even though most reject Him. I thank Him that He saved me when I was so unworthy. Sandy in Belton Missouri LISTEN TO MOM, PLEASE

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  • Reply
    Tasha Lee
    September 2, 2010 at 2:35 am

    You are AMAZING! I know that you'll do just fine in whatever direction you go. Just have faith. We believe in you.

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  • Reply
    SeattleRunnerGirl
    September 2, 2010 at 3:18 am

    I will wish you luck, but luck is not what will bring you the life you want – your determination, hard work, and faith are what will! I can't wait to watch the next chapter of your life unfold, and I'm excited to hear about the new direction your career is going to take!

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  • Reply
    shortmama
    September 15, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Good luck with all the changes! Praying for your strength and peace of mind!

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