Thanks Dad…

After posting a very emotional message on my blog today I drove right by the YMCA. I skipped the elliptical machine without even looking for justification in my mind. I chose to grab dinner (an unhealthy one) then picked up a few things at the store and headed straight to Dad’s house. I didn’t expect him to be here when I arrived, but he was.

He was waiting with open arms to talk to me and just listen. He had already read the blog that I posted only moments before so we sat and talked. He shared things about his life, but mostly just listened to me as I repeated everything that I’ve said in my head a million times.

I shared my frustrations and my grief and my questions. I also shared the fact that I felt horrible about skipping my workout though not horrible enough to have done it when I had the chance. As we sat in the kitchen I began thinking about how good I feel after I exercise, and when Dad headed to bed he asked if I planned to workout. I said I knew I should, but I didn’t think I would. Then he put the DVD on and close his door, and I worked out after all.

As soon as I began the 30-Day Shred I was glad I was doing it. It’s ridiculous that my mind is so willing to fight my body. My body craves exercise, and it was as it was clear only a couple of minutes into my workout.

Now I’m sweating like crazy and in desperate need of a shower, but I feel better than I’ve felt all day. I didn’t drink water throughout the day either. Whaaaat? But I’ve had 8 glasses so far this evening, and I plan to drink a little more before bed. My goal for tonight is to consume 10 glasses.

I can’t say that I have all the answers I was searching for earlier this evening because I don’t. But I feel good knowing that I did a couple of good things for myself today. I ate more WW points than I should have because I didn’t make good choices at dinner. I ate reasonable portions throughout the day, but I ate foods that were too high in fat and calories. It would have been easy to scratch the whole day, but I didn’t. I finished strong, and today that has to be enough.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will do better. I will have that date with the elliptical machine that I talked about in my last post. I will drink water throughout the day, and I will make healthier food choices. Sometimes all we can do is take it one day at a time – one choice at a time.

I’m still not sure what the big picture looks like, but my immediate future (you know,the next 24 hours) are going to be filled with good choices. My internal hope has returned, and I’m going to cling to it as I move forward in the coming days.

Thank you all for listening today…and thank you for your continued support. It means so much more than I could ever express. Now I’ll go to sleep and wake up (hopefully) refreshed so I can face the day head on.

I’m tired of feeling sad and worried so I’m going to focus on the happy things going on in my world, and I’m going to look for joy until I find it.

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11 Comments

  • Reply
    oh_mg
    August 12, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Hi! I found your site via a search for weightloss bloggers. I am a new blogger hoping to build a small community for myself – people whose journeys I can follow to help keep me on track. So, just wanted to say hi, and keep up the good work!

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  • Reply
    IrishSmile
    August 12, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Hello,

    I commented on Sean's last post too as I only found his blog the other day and have been hooked ever since… naturally his has led me to yours and I just wanted to say hello and congratulations with all of your success so far. You're an inspiration to us girls all over the world (I live in Northern Ireland) and from reading through just a few of the comments on your blog I can see that a lot of people feel the same!

    I also wanted to share my support during this point of change in your life, I know from personal experience just how hard change can be to deal with and how difficult it can be to make decisions when your head and heart feel so scrambled up inside. All the advice I can give you is to go with what feels right just now and dont worry about the what if's; as my mum always said what's meant to be will be (and she's usually turned out to be right!) remember that you don't need to make decisions that will necessarily dictate the rest of your life… but you do have to make ones that will make you happy again… you can always always rethink them if they don't work out. When I think like that sometimes it helps to lift a little of the pressure 🙂

    Good luck Kenz, you've got a lot of people who care about and support you very much. I hope you feel lots more positive soon.

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    August 12, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Aren't Dads awesome??? 🙂 I'm glad you had a chance to bounce things off of your Dad…mine is a terrific sounding board and sooo wise. I bet yours is, too. And the fact that he turned the DVD on for you and left the room so you could exercise in private is the epitome of coolness. 🙂 I know things aren't all worked out…you still have a lot to sort and decide upon…but I'm glad you're surrounded by people who really, truly care about you, love you, and only want to see you happy. I'm glad to hear Hannah's better (I missed that post!), and I'm praying for you that you'll find peace and surety in the decisions you make for yourself. 🙂

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  • Reply
    Annaleah
    August 12, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    What courage it took for you to share your challenges yesterday. I could feel your hurt and confusion coming through in your writing, and my heart went out to you. I hope that you understood from the comments yesterday that you are not alone, and that you are not the only one to experience extreme self doubt and confusion. It is only my personal experience, but my weight gain has always been a direct reflection (literally) of the things I was sorting through internally. Although you felt like you were lost and searching, your post was really more insightful than you gave yourself credit for. I encourage you to go back and read it. Yes, you are struggling with choices right now . . . where to live, bad relationship, where to work, what to eat, exercise . . . but you were also working towards your answers at the same time. You said you knew you should take it one step at a time, and you are doing that. You did one work out. Eventually there will be another one. If it's not today, that's ok.

    One of the things that seems to help me when I'm overwhelmed is to consider the absolute worst scenario that could happen. Once I've determined that scenario could not happen (or what I would do if it did), I often feel a little more able to mobilize towards another possibility. I hope that you find strength in your friends and family, even your faceless friends from this blog.

    You have energized many people through your writings. Let us lift you up now. In prayer, in thoughts, in encouragement. You are in my prayers. You are a beautiful child of God. He knows your path, and will be there with you. I know that doesn't always make it easier, but I hope it gives you comfort.

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  • Reply
    Sean Anderson
    August 12, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Like I said in my comment on your previous post—I can call you and say what I need to say…But I just wanted to leave this:
    First of all—your dad is an amazing man.
    Second: It's all in your perspective. You don't have to have all of the answers at once. A confident patience is imperative at this point. Bright days are ahead my Kenz…they really are–despite everything else.
    As far as letting your circumstances effect your relationship with food–it's normal for many of us, but it is something you can overcome completely. You hear me talking about and writing about the SCZ—it's a very real place mentally where you decide that NOTHING will steal this away from you…No emotion, no circumstance, no person, place, or thing—Because this is TOO IMPORTANT. You're important. And the mental benefits of making good choices in the face of extreme stress–far outweigh the momentary benefit of good taste on the lips. We have to battle ourselves in these situations—it's too easy to gravitate toward the excuses and rationalizations that let us off the hook.
    You're going to make it baby, you really will…Hold tight. And remember–You're beautiful, smart, talented, successful, and all around amazing…you're all that already.
    I'm going to call you soon and say all of this anyway—but wanted you to read this here too.

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  • Reply
    Elizabeth.
    August 12, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Do you know what's really cool, Kenz? Years and years and YEARS from now, you will remember last night's talk with your Dad. It's an incredible thing. You are awesome, and inspiring and have a lot to say. Remember – that ability to affect change in people is a GIFT. You have that, and it's incredible. 🙂 And sometimes, as you know, it's not even one day at a time – it can be one hour – or even a minute.

    Thanks for who you are, Kenz.

    Huge hugs,
    e.

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  • Reply
    Jill
    August 12, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    I think that the key to success is to be in the present. You can't change the things you've already done, but you do have the power to make good decisions right now. It sounds like you're doing better, and you know that there's so many people here that support you. You're doing great, you're strong, beautiful, and powerful. You'll not just survive but find a way to thrive.

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  • Reply
    CC
    August 12, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Hi Kenz, I just wanted to say, reading the last two entries inspires me JUST AS MUCH as all the others.

    Because I feel this way too.

    Overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, out of my element, unsure of myself and my decisions, then I get hungry (for the wrong foods), out of energy (for the work outs that make all the stress go away)…Then you have the very real fear of knowing that the only way to prepare yourself for the bigger choices in life, is to have health and energy…it's a vicious cycle.

    Hey! You know that EASY button in those stupid commercials, wouldn't it be awesome to have an EASY button for good decisions??? And then all at once all the good decisions are made for you? All in one fell swoop! Instantaneous good decisions for everyone!

    Hmm…why does it seem that the only button you can push that makes an instantaneous "easy" decision are the ones that end up being "bad" decisions? I guess that's where the saying "anything worth having is worth working for" comes in? We have to work for it, all the time.

    Never let your guard down and always remember, those bad decisions surround us, just waiting to be chosen, it takes strength and faith to look past them and to your goal, to what you really want.

    but really, don't be afraid to post your fears. We have them too, it's a good thing to know you're not super human.

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  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    August 12, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Kena, First, I'm so glad that Hannah is going to be okay! What a scare.

    Second, Just like God has Hannah in his loving care, He has you. He knows exactly what you need and is putting things in place for you to have it.

    The hands of the Master are a safe place to put your fate.

    OBviously, I can't make specific comments, because I don't know specifically what is going on…but the above is as true as anything can be–ever–regardless of the specifics.

    And I hear that Oklahoma is a great place to live…and love.

    Still praying–only now for you. 🙂

    Deb

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 12, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    Hi Kenz.. I'm a frequent blog reader & have to say I love reading yours. I'm a 20-year-old girl & although I'm still pretty young I know too well the struggle weight and life decisions can be. I'm sorry you're in a stressful place, but I want to applaud you for still working out and looking for the positive. I let my emotions/stress get to me today and I'm wishing for the same strength as you! Please don't give up on yourself.. you're a beautiful person and the world needs you to be healthy. Keep up the good work. <3

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  • Reply
    Leah-lew
    August 15, 2010 at 3:11 am

    You have a great Dad, this is a wonderful and sometimes rare thing.

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