Exercise Gym Healthy Living Reflection

The Truth

I have always been honest on my blog while maintaining healthy boundaries, and I will continue to do that as long as I post. But my emotions are officially out of control, and I don’t know how to handle them. I find myself struggling to breathe because my heart just hurts so much.

I promised myself a few days ago that I would focus on the good and not let worry and sadness and grief overcome me. Today I tried and failed, but I did do something good. I swam 40 laps at the gym which equals a mile and a quarter. I just didn’t want to stop.

Last week I referred to the gym as my OK BFF. I can go there and forget my worries everyday for a little while, and it has been incredible. But more specifically, the pool is my best friend. When I’m in the water my heart still hurts, but I also feel strong. Swimming laps has a calming effect for me. It’s as though the water washes away my pain, err, at least most of it. And for an hour or so I can drown my sadness in it’s depths.

I wish I knew how to make myself feel better. Seriously, I know that everyone (especially my sweet Dad who has shouldered the brunt of it all) must be more than a little tired of hearing from this disgruntled drama queen. I’m angry and disgusted and feeling so many things that are negative. And I hate that my honest thoughts are so sad again today. I considered not blogging today, but I have to because I don’t have a better way to release these feelings.

Tomorrow I will pick myself up and go to the gym again. I’ll also try to remember to eat first because that has been really hard lately. My stomach has been in knots for weeks and while my pain started to recede a little, it came back full force this morning.

All I can say is that I won’t give up. I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m so far from it, but I love with my whole heart. And I’m so proud of the person I am becoming (minus the current intensely emotional/lonely part.) And I am going to do my best to come out of this pitiful, sad state I’m in. I am better than this, and my head knows it. I just wish it would communicate that to my heart.

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  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 1:36 am

    My prayers are with you every day! I call but I can't say anything besides it will work out. You will be happy again. I will always be there for you. MOM

  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 1:49 am

    It will get better Kenz. It will take time, but it will get better. Besides, you're already doing so well. Chin up!

  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 1:53 am

    May this experience help you grow even stronger.

  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 1:57 am

    You will get through it. You're too strong to fail. I know I don't actually know you, but if you need a friend you can always contact me. *Hugs and best wishes*

  • Reply
    Diana Lynn
    August 26, 2010 at 2:02 am

    I just wish I could say something..anything..to make you feel better in the blink of an eye. Life is hard. But time marches on…and time does have a way of taking care of all the things that bend and sometimes even break us. Even a grain of wheat has to be broken and crushed before we can savor the life giving nutrients from the bread. There is value in loss sometimes, even though we don't see it at the time.

    Take heart. Take strength. Take this time to heal and grow. You can be better, not bitter when it's over..whatever it is !

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    August 26, 2010 at 3:12 am

    Honest feelings are never negative.

    They are often not pleasant or easy.

    They are often sharp and painful and deep. That is not negative; that is real.

    Avoiding reality is a sign of psychosis. Having to be happy all of the time is one indicator of mental illness. Really. (I know, I've said this before…)

    Being happy when your life is disintegrating around you is insane. Having a determined hope that it will get better, is wise. You are wise.


  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 3:57 am

    You are not alone; I have missed seeing you on Thursdays – I've been struggling with not being able to put myself first before my family – but I hope to see you really soon. I don't know anything of what you have been going through, but I do know what it feels like when your heart literaly aches inside your chest. The day that pain goes away is a very very good day. Keep swimming.

  • Reply
    Just Me
    August 26, 2010 at 4:02 am

    Just came across your blog and I'm glad you posted today because this is YOUR blog and you should use it the way you need to. It is honest emotion and we all appreciate that.

    BTW, is that you singing Thank You? You are awesome. Visit me if you like at http://haveyougainedweight.blogspot.com/

  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Although I don't know exactly what you're facing in terms of your work and New York, et al, but I do know what it's like to be on an emotional rollercoaster. It's no fun. One minute everything looks like it will be okay and work out and the next you're back in the depths of depression again. All I can say is to keep plugging along. Eventually the pain and sadness does lessen. You are a strong, awesome woman and you will rise from this experience stronger than you are now. I pray for you and your happiness daily.

  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Kenz, you are beautiful inside and out. And you're doing the right thing, facing pain head-on. There were times in my life when I ran from it, and I ran straight into a horrific situation which took me nearly a decade to escape. I'd have been better off if I'd taken the time to mourn what was lost (and it was definitely worth mourning), and then picked up the pieces.

    Hang in there. This too shall pass.

  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    What an amazing commitment that you are still going to work out even while you are struggling. That is always the first thing I let go! Take pride in that positive thing you are doing for yourself. My heart hurts for your struggles right now, and I pray that you find your answers. Until then, keep swimming and stay on your path. It's a good one.

  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    You are doing something that many of us are afraid of. You are feeling. You are experiencing pain. You aren't trying to avoid it or not feel it. I think that is huge. From someone on the outside looking in at you,you are coming across as super strong. Not weak, which it seems like maybe you think of feel like you are. This is just part of this journey for you–whatever it is that you are going through. eventually you are going to come out on the other side and when you look back you will be able to see what we all see.

    I don't know if you are still considering quitting the blog. I will just say that you were a HUGE inspiration to me as I was beginning my weight loss and looking for hope. I found it in your blog and in your honesty. I would hate for others to miss out on that. The weight loss bloggy world really needs you in it. Keep being honest, keep feeling. Just keep going—All the WEIGH! Right?

    Much love!

  • Reply
    August 26, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Is it going to help to go back to NYC to confront some of these demons, or is it just going to be worse? Either way, I hope that you get some resolution soon. I suspect that being in OK is a little bit like being in a holding pattern for you, and it's hard to get closure or move on with your life when you're stuck in some kind of middle-ground purgatory of sorts. I hope life gets some resolution for you soon.

  • Reply
    Susan Astramskas-Simpson
    August 26, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Kenz although I know you only through your blog . You are totally allowed your feelings….You are doing so wonderfull with your exercising…..keep it up. Take it one day at a time….I always joke there is always a new day and more points..lol. Hang in there

  • Reply
    Genie @ Diet of 51
    August 27, 2010 at 12:13 am

    Hang in there, Kenz. You will figure it out. I'm sorry that you're hurting…. Stay with the swimming.

  • Reply
    Zoe D.
    August 27, 2010 at 12:36 am

    Pain sucks, and the hardest thing about it is that there isn't much to do but allow it to run its course. You are really taking the BEST care of yourself–I am so impressed and sending you big hugs.

  • Reply
    August 27, 2010 at 12:43 am

    Whatever you are grieving, grieve it fully. If is in unhealthy pain, get help. But if it is genuine grief it will pass — abate — get less intense and you will grow with it and have more compassion for yourself and others. I can only imagine what has happened to you but I think that you are a truly beautiful young woman. You are taking care of yourself by working out and being honest with yourself. Stay with the low glycemic foods and the one day at a time and just hang in. You are an inspiration. Continue to take really good care of yourself. I am sending you prayers, hugs, golden light and healing
    love.I am just starting back on the journey. You have a community of sincere followers; you are not alone. I admire your courage.

  • Reply
    August 27, 2010 at 3:25 am

    You are better than this. You are very special Kenz. You have the world at your hands, now grab it.

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