I have always been honest on my blog while maintaining healthy boundaries, and I will continue to do that as long as I post. But my emotions are officially out of control, and I don’t know how to handle them. I find myself struggling to breathe because my heart just hurts so much.
I promised myself a few days ago that I would focus on the good and not let worry and sadness and grief overcome me. Today I tried and failed, but I did do something good. I swam 40 laps at the gym which equals a mile and a quarter. I just didn’t want to stop.
Last week I referred to the gym as my OK BFF. I can go there and forget my worries everyday for a little while, and it has been incredible. But more specifically, the pool is my best friend. When I’m in the water my heart still hurts, but I also feel strong. Swimming laps has a calming effect for me. It’s as though the water washes away my pain, err, at least most of it. And for an hour or so I can drown my sadness in it’s depths.
I wish I knew how to make myself feel better. Seriously, I know that everyone (especially my sweet Dad who has shouldered the brunt of it all) must be more than a little tired of hearing from this disgruntled drama queen. I’m angry and disgusted and feeling so many things that are negative. And I hate that my honest thoughts are so sad again today. I considered not blogging today, but I have to because I don’t have a better way to release these feelings.
Tomorrow I will pick myself up and go to the gym again. I’ll also try to remember to eat first because that has been really hard lately. My stomach has been in knots for weeks and while my pain started to recede a little, it came back full force this morning.
All I can say is that I won’t give up. I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m so far from it, but I love with my whole heart. And I’m so proud of the person I am becoming (minus the current intensely emotional/lonely part.) And I am going to do my best to come out of this pitiful, sad state I’m in. I am better than this, and my head knows it. I just wish it would communicate that to my heart.