Love Reflection

Truth

I am in a very dark place right now, and I’m really not sure how I’m going to move forward. If you read my blog then you already know that I feel as though I am drowning, and I can’t catch my breath. I feel like I’m barely breathing, and I have no one to pull me out of this deep, depressing ocean.

My blog has been so cathartic for me in the last year, but I seem to be sharing too much lately. I’ve done my best to filter my thoughts, but lately I haven’t bothered. Lately, I’ve put it all out here – good and bad…mostly bad. I’m not sure if I’ll continue to blog after this post or not because it seems I’ve just made a bigger mess for myself.

But before I make any big decisions I’m going to use my blog as a sounding board again. I’m going to share some truths about myself and who I am as a person. I’m not going to be specific because I don’t wish to hurt anyone or embarrass anyone…this is about me.

I have always prided myself for being 100% honest on this blog. I have never lied or misled readers ever which is why I believe it has been such an important part of my weight-loss success up to this point. This blog has been a place where I could be myself 100% of the time, and I have a perfect record of saying what I mean/how I feel without sugar coating it. I can say anything and find encouragement from you all. Every supportive comment I’ve received has touched my life.

But in my day to day life (when I’m not online) I haven’t been so perfect. At times, I have been strong, but I’ve also been weak. I’ve been overly cocky and full of pride. I have hurt people that I would never hurt on purpose, and I have shaken the very foundation that I thought would be unshakable.

I’ve come a long way in the last several months, but I have so far to go. I tried to become better at communication, and in some ways I have. But in communicating openly with myself I have learned that I’m nothing more than a weak, scared girl who is on the verge of giving up completely.

Wise people say that the value of a man is not in how you fall, but how you rise up after you’ve fallen. And I’ve fallen friends…I have fallen hard, but I don’t know how to get up. And today, I’m not sure I can. Quitting is not really an option, but it’s definitely what I want to do right now. I want to curl up and fall into unconsciousness until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Over the last month or so I’ve been having a recurring dream. I dream that I’ve just died and while the people in my life are so sad, I’m just relieved. In my unconscious thoughts death seems easier than moving forward in my current reality, and that, my friends, is the scariest place I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure I should be laying on a couch somewhere right now, but that’s not an option today.

My only recourse within myself is to share what I’m feeling with you here. I have only consumed 200 calories… I haven’t showered today…I haven’t worked out, and I cannot bring myself to eat or even drink a glass of water. My stomach has been in knots for weeks, and it gets better for a little while then reality strikes.

Reality struck me hard today. My quiet fears of being unloved and unsettled came full surface. But today, for the first time in my life, I decided to let go of my pride and share all of my feelings. Today I tried to express the love I have and the love I’m willing to give, but it seems that those feelings may not be enough.

I love myself though it’s hard to remember why right now. And it’s even harder to not be sure what to do next. Patience has never been my strong suit. If you know me at all, you know that’s true.

My heart is full of insecurity and love and pain and questions. It feels opaque and dirty and so unlike it usually feels.

I want to be a better person…I want to be the happy person that I was only a couple of months ago. I want to be determined and smart and strong and happy and beautiful, but I don’t know how. And sadly, that’s all I have to say…

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38 Comments

  • Reply
    KellyNY
    August 19, 2010 at 12:09 am

    Kenz, it's heartbreaking to read that you are seriously considering not blogging anymore & just giving up. We all go through rough patches, some more darker than others. I feel like I know you, just by reading your blog. We are all here to support you, which is one of the great things about the blogosphere. You ever need to talk, email me, I'm just a train ride away on the LIRR. Sending you positive vibes. You are a lot stronger & tougher than you think. And please don't stop blogging! (((HUGS)))

  • Reply
    Bridget
    August 19, 2010 at 12:14 am

    Kenz,

    We are all human. We are complex. It is too simple to say change is part of life. Many say that and it is just not enough. I have been in dark places myself. We have our spirit, our faith and the knowledge that we are not alone.
    What begins the in the flesh ends in the flesh. Which I take to mean- what we get into in life needs to be tied to a good path and what our instinct tells us is the right thing for us- if it begins in fear or lack it will usually end badly. God doesn't help us out of what we chose when we really new better. We have to work our way back out. It is my belief that we have to get out of running our own lives and surrender. Prayer if it is part of your practice can help you find your way.
    We are all broken in life. And when God tries to do a new thing with the strong He will not allow us to do it 50%.

    All the way is the only way.

  • Reply
    Tammy
    August 19, 2010 at 12:24 am

    Kenz – I am so, so sorry! I hope that you will see things more clearly tomorrow. You have so many people who care about you – all you have to do is ask for help. You have my email address, and you are more than welcome to write to me any time. God is watching you, and He is available to you at all times! I simply adore your blog because I am on the same weight-loss journey using WW, just like you. I have learned a lot from reading about your weight loss trials and triumphs. If you feel you must stop blogging, I completely understand, but I hope you end up feeling like it is something that benefits you as much as does those of us who read it. Peace be with you.

    *** Whenever God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window! ***

  • Reply
    Cassie
    August 19, 2010 at 12:24 am

    When we feel vulnerable, we tend to lash out at others, especially those in our immediate circles.

    I would hate to see you stop blogging. I started blogging to keep record of my comings and goings. My high and low days, there are dark moments in everyone's life. But it's how we handle those moments that mean the most.

    Continue to use your blog as a sounding board, if something is upsetting you speak up, I bet you aren't the only one.

    Lean on your readers, to help you through this trouble time, we'll be there to catch you.

    You are great girl, I don't think this will be the last we hear from you. You are too strong of a person and so much life to live! I envy that you live in NYC, what a great experience!

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 19, 2010 at 12:28 am

    For God so the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believith on Him should not perish but have eternal life. This is your starting point. You are at bottom, you have nowhere to look but UP!!! HE WILL SAVE YOU.

  • Reply
    ♥Amber Filkins♥
    August 19, 2010 at 12:29 am

    🙁 I hope you don't quit blogging. I really do. And I REEEALLLLY hope that things start turning in a different direction. And that you keep trusting God. Love you girl. Praying for you.

    Amber

  • Reply
    Amanda
    August 19, 2010 at 12:29 am

    Kenz, I don't know exactly what's going on, and I've only been reading you for a bit, but I just wanted to tell you what you already know — you are not alone. Not in real life, and certainly not here in the blogosphere. Reach out where you feel you need to.

    Support is a marvelous thing.

    I've had dark patches in my life. Shoot, more like entire bolts of cloth than patches, even. Times when I questioned myself most, my choices, my life, the effect I've had on others… and those times were bad, I won't kid.

    Thing is, it does work out. Eventually. Not always as we want, but it works out. Share where you need to share and lean where you need to lean. It *will* be okay.

    Hugs, girl. Hang in there.

  • Reply
    The Monkey and Me
    August 19, 2010 at 12:32 am

    Please don't go – you mean so much to so many. I have been right where you are. I really really get it. But don't go….

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 19, 2010 at 12:51 am

    Kenz,
    I am confused. I read your blog and Sean Anderson's blog. Neither of you put the details of your life "out there" but I don't know what is going on, why you are grieving and not going back to NYC. Did you lose a good job or
    a loved one? Anyway, none of my business but I agree with your readers. You can't give up when you are such an inspiration to others. I'm starting back after regaining 25 lbs of an almost 100 lb weight loss. I have almost 100 lbs to go to goal and it gets harder as the weight gets lower. The math of weight loss is pretty simple. In order to lose you have to create a deficit between maintenance and weight loss — so I lost quickly at 250 and very slowly at
    200. That required more exercise and hard work. I don't know if you are sad about your food program, or about something else. I am happy to email back and forth. Your blog was so happy and full of joy in the beginning. If you need to talk to someone anonymous who has been there, you can contact me.
    If not, I just want to echo that I'm a reader of your blog who finds your courage and personality online to be quite inspiring and uplifting. You sound depressed and maybe you should see someone — depression can be physical as well as emotional. You look so happy in some of your pictures, but clearly something is wrong. Don't give up. The spirit will
    carry you to your next destiny.

    227 lbs in Connecticut.

  • Reply
    brynn
    August 19, 2010 at 12:57 am

    It breaks my heart to think of you not blogging again. You have inspired so many and now you need to let others do the inspiring. People love you and you need to steady yourself on them.

    Nothing lasts forever and someday soon this will just be a story that happened a while back.

    I'm praying for you…

  • Reply
    Deb
    August 19, 2010 at 12:59 am

    Jeremiah 29:11-13 – For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
    Praying for you to find peace and comfort.
    In His Love…and with mine…Deb

  • Reply
    PrettyWoman
    August 19, 2010 at 1:07 am

    Kenz, I have come back from the deepest pit of hell imagineable. You can overcome. I believe in you. Please, "Just Breathe." you are worthy and deserving of love and you will find it.

  • Reply
    Julie
    August 19, 2010 at 1:15 am

    Giving up really isn't an option. But changing your course is. When you think that nothing is going right, look around you. Your family, your loved ones, they are there for you. When you feel like you will never recover, that is when the fight in you has to come out. Stand up and fight. Fight for what you want, what you need, and what you want your life to be. You can do it! Everyone that reads your blog believes in you. Now, believe in yourself!

    I will say a special prayer for you today and ask God to give you the strength you need to get back up and on that horse!

    Hugs to you!

    Julie

  • Reply
    Joan
    August 19, 2010 at 1:15 am

    Kenz I love you! And you are never alone! No matter what is going on right now in your life and I know your hurting big time, but I know that it will pass with God's help. He has always been there for you in the past at other times and this is no different. Just because you can see how or why " Jesus is carrying you and it will be alright. So get up and exercise; drink your water; and don't give up. Because you have worked so hard to get where you are now; and quitting is not an option. You are more than a conqueror through Christ. Even if you can't feel him right now he is there, your pain your feeling replace it with what you like to do that you can do for yourself. Exercise, singing, and remember you are never alone. I am here for you.I am proud of you and I always will be no matter what you decide. Maybe you need some down time to reflect. Go exercise you always feel better after you do that. Don't let the sitution overtake you; you have control. I love you MOM

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    August 19, 2010 at 1:15 am

    Ahh, Kenlie, as you read most of the comments above mine, do you hear the confirmation of what you have already been told?

    His arms are surrounding you, dear one, even now.

    Deb

  • Reply
    {Absolutely, Positively} Josie
    August 19, 2010 at 1:16 am

    praying for you, Kenz!

  • Reply
    Lisa Love
    August 19, 2010 at 1:25 am

    Kenz,

    I wish I could help you but I've been pretty down in the dumps as well. If anything, I know how you are feeling. Satan wants nothing more than to see us to fail, give up and zap the life right out of us. Trials make us stronger and I know some day I will look back at this time in my life and realize why I went through it, but for now, it is painful and paralyzing. I notice I am closest to God when I am hurting the most. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

    "You might as well get thee behind me satan, you cannot prevail, because Jesus never fails."

    Love and Prayers Always,

    Lisa

  • Reply
    Becca
    August 19, 2010 at 1:26 am

    I am praying for you. Know that you are loved throughout this bloggyland.

    ~Becca

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 19, 2010 at 1:29 am

    So many of us love you so much. Some of us you know and some of us you don't but you have inspired so many of us. Whatever you are going through right now please know that we are all praying and hoping that you feel better very very soon. Please take care of yourself….because we care about you. We have all made mistakes and we have all been in dark places at times because we are all "HUMAN".
    Another Debbie weighing in.

  • Reply
    Challenge:1yearnorestaurants
    August 19, 2010 at 1:34 am

    Kenz,

    I'm a new reader and I sure hope your able to figure out everything. I sure hope you don't quit blogging because your words of wisdom help me in my weight loss journey. It might help to go back to your older posts and read how things were going to find that spark in you again. Believe me, from someone who lost a over 45 pounds to only gain it all back plus some after I lost my dad the feeling of having to start over again is way worse. Stay strong. Sending love and prayers.
    ~Jenny

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 19, 2010 at 1:38 am

    Life can be complicated. One of the most important things to remember is to keep it simple and always let your heart lead you. Listen to that inner self and go with your gut feelings, then stand by them and don't look back.

  • Reply
    Sarah
    August 19, 2010 at 1:49 am

    What Pretty Woman said!

  • Reply
    Chrissy MacCEO
    August 19, 2010 at 1:52 am

    Kenz – I am SO SO SO worried about you. I am in NJ, and if I knew where you were in NYC (or if you were even back) I'd be driving in to see you in a heartbeat.

    Everyone has bad days/weeks/months, and even years. YOU ARE HUMAN. Sometimes I read your posts and I think how exhausted I'd be if I were as positive and hardworking at something so personal as you are.

    I don't know all of what's going on in your life but I can tell you this – YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are an amazing person.

    Years ago after my son was born I remember hitting "rock bottom" with depression. I remember laying on the couch feeling just as you describe. And I remember saying to myself that that HAD to be the worst I'd feel. It couldn't get worse so the only thing that could happen would be to have life get better.

    You are NOT alone. Please reach out if you need to talk.

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 19, 2010 at 2:12 am

    Sometimes we are not always meant to know the deeper meaning of certain occurrences and need only move forward.

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    August 19, 2010 at 2:13 am

    hang in there sweetie – I just began to read your blog – I can relate… I have been there. Trust in your higher power and seek help if you need it. By the response you are getting you are very much appreciated and loved. Please take the time you need and we will be here for you if needed.

    Blessings – Laura

  • Reply
    Amy
    August 19, 2010 at 2:15 am

    I really hope you don't stop blogging because I think this has become your sanctuary. You have 400 followers for a reason, and you produce a great deal of inspiration for others.

    We all hit rocks, bottoms, and rock bottom. It happens to the best and worst of us. It's human – we've all been there, some worse than others.

    I'm sure there are some serious things going on in your personal life right now, but you need to know you'll get through it.

    This dream you've been having I'm sure is not comforting. It's probably making you feel things you don't want to feel – and you didn't know you were capable of feeling. I'm sure it doesn't mean you want to die, or that death that would be a relief, but somehow your body is trying to tell you something.

    Maybe you need to take a break from your weight loss. Stop obsessing with losing, and maintain for awhile. You've come so far, and are a completely different woman from when you started. Don't obsess with the numbers, but don't over indulge. Let your body take a break from always worrying and thinking about what you're going to eat. Keep exercising because right now I think you need that for your mental health more than anything. Exercise clearly makes you happier, we've all read it.

    Count your blessings, breathe, enjoy life, and embrace your friends and family.

    I hope you find comfort in the words of others.

  • Reply
    spunkysuzi
    August 19, 2010 at 2:19 am

    "hugs" You have a lot of support through your blog. I have honestly been in the dark before and sought help to get me back to where i need to be.
    If you need help please, please don't be afraid to ask for it. There are people that can help you.

  • Reply
    Jill
    August 19, 2010 at 2:31 am

    Kenz,
    I've only known you a short time through this blog and facebook and I would miss you terribly if you go but whatever you decide is best for you, I support. I hope you let all of these caring people help you and that you decide to stay and continue your journey with us. You are a beautiful person with so much talent. Please see that in yourself. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You are in my prayers as well.

  • Reply
    Betty
    August 19, 2010 at 2:35 am

    Kenz, Once I stood in the front yard of my nieces house and I screamed at God, how could you let such a horible thing happen, and still want me to believe you love me. I said it and I meant it, He knew my pain and when I fell in that hole, He was there with me. He let me cry, and I did. He let me suffer and I did, but He was with me every day, and in time I could feel Him there. I am sorry you are feeling so lost, but I have hope for you. I was just listening to a song on you tube and I thought of you. I hope this will post, if not I will post the name. Hang in there, and just breathe.


    Betty

  • Reply
    Betty
    August 19, 2010 at 2:36 am

    Ok, I see the song did not post, look for it when you can.
    Audrey Assad – Show Me (Slideshow With Lyrics)

  • Reply
    Annie
    August 19, 2010 at 2:57 am

    Kenz, stop and think about how many people you have reached and encouraged through this blog. I for one have learned a lot from you and would be so sad to see you go. I hope that you decide to keep blogging, in your completely open and honest way. Whatever it is that you're going through, it will pass and there is hope on the other side. You are so loved by your readers. Tune into the strength it took you to walk into your first WW meeting and use that strength to take the next step. Whatever that step is, you will know it. You are strong, at the very least strong enough to take a step in the right direction. One step at a time, you can do this. I wish I could somehow help you more.

    Hugs,
    Annie

  • Reply
    Barbara
    August 19, 2010 at 4:05 am

    Yeah! What they said! I have lost 100 lbs only to gain it back. don't let your emotions get the best of you and take away all your hard work. YOU ROCK KENZ! Whatever has happened to you, loss of job, depressed, etc… We have all been there. If we never have change in our lives we never learn and grow. You have to remember you can do anything you put your mind to! Take time for you. Stay with your Dad if you can. Rest. Let go of what was and look to the future. You will create it. what do you want it to be? what do you want to do. I have no doubt you can be and do anything! baby steps again. walk if you dont want to run. give yourself a break. if you dont want to blog now. wait. it will come when and if you are ready. you are amazing. you will rise from the ashes and become who you want to be where you want to be. surround yourself with people and things you love. it will get better. keep the faith! we love you girl!
    Barbara

  • Reply
    Steelers6
    August 19, 2010 at 4:17 am

    Hi dearie..

    Thank you for your honesty today, and always. I appreciate that you have been 100% you here.

    The very strong woman who lost 100 lbs (100 lbs!!!!) does need to find that strength again to rise up after falling as you put it. You are a fighter. You've been fighting @ WL for over a year now. That fight needs to find it's way to overcome the thoughts of death being easier than moving fwd in your current reality. You don't pick the easy way. Pls find a way to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe that is exercising. Maybe it is a tough phone call. Maybe some quiet time, maybe calling someone in your WW support group, or a call to hear the voice of your sweet Hannah.

    I think letting us all know how it is going was a good step, bc a lot of ppl here will PRAY.

    Mom wrote such a lovely post. So many ppl care about you. Don't hesitate to lean on others. It is so easy to give help, but can be hard to receive it. You know how good you feel when you have been there for someone, so pls allow one of your friends or fam that privilege. I know someone else can't 'fix' it, but can be supportive to you. I know, not easy.

    And hour at a time, babe. You can do it.
    Chrissy

  • Reply
    Heather B.
    August 19, 2010 at 4:25 am

    I am so sorry you are hurting so much. All I can say is this, you are an amazingly strong person. Even though you have fallen, I know that you can and will get back up. This is just a hump in your journey and albeit a HUGE hump you can get over it! Sometimes we need to hit the bottom to see just how great the top was! There is a song that that I am loving these day by Pocket full of Rocks. I think the chorus is perfect for you right now. It goes like this:
    "You can come as you are
    All your broken pieces, all your shameful scars
    The pain you hold in your heart, you bring it all to Jesus,
    You can come as you are"
    You are loved by so many people and sometimes you just have to let it go and give it up! Hard as that may be!

  • Reply
    Miss E
    August 19, 2010 at 6:13 am

    The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God can not keep you. I'm praying for you.

  • Reply
    Kerri
    August 19, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    I am new to the whole blog thing. I have been following you for the past two months although I have gone back and read all your post. You are INCREDIBLE, you are INSPIRING , you give us HOPE. You express all your thoughts and issues in words WONDERFULLY. You are SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL. I will pray for you and hope that you will continue to BLESS us with your writings. You are LOVED by so many people that you have never even meet or know that are following you. PLEASE keep up the GREAT job you are doing

  • Reply
    SeattleRunnerGirl
    August 19, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    I have some truths for you, Kenz. You say you want to be determined and smart and strong and happy and beautiful. Well, you already ARE determined and smart and strong and happy and beautiful. You are ALL of those things; you are just going through a dark and difficult time in life. You WILL make it through. I hope you continue to blog either here or with a new, anonymous blog where you can pour your heart out and let THAT be your therapy for now. And know that no matter what,

    you are loved
    you are lovable
    you are enough

  • Reply
    MB
    August 20, 2010 at 3:57 am

    I hope you weather the storm and will still be able to come back here. You are determined, smart, strong, happy, beautiful and so much more.

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