I am in a very dark place right now, and I’m really not sure how I’m going to move forward. If you read my blog then you already know that I feel as though I am drowning, and I can’t catch my breath. I feel like I’m barely breathing, and I have no one to pull me out of this deep, depressing ocean.
My blog has been so cathartic for me in the last year, but I seem to be sharing too much lately. I’ve done my best to filter my thoughts, but lately I haven’t bothered. Lately, I’ve put it all out here – good and bad…mostly bad. I’m not sure if I’ll continue to blog after this post or not because it seems I’ve just made a bigger mess for myself.
But before I make any big decisions I’m going to use my blog as a sounding board again. I’m going to share some truths about myself and who I am as a person. I’m not going to be specific because I don’t wish to hurt anyone or embarrass anyone…this is about me.
I have always prided myself for being 100% honest on this blog. I have never lied or misled readers ever which is why I believe it has been such an important part of my weight-loss success up to this point. This blog has been a place where I could be myself 100% of the time, and I have a perfect record of saying what I mean/how I feel without sugar coating it. I can say anything and find encouragement from you all. Every supportive comment I’ve received has touched my life.
But in my day to day life (when I’m not online) I haven’t been so perfect. At times, I have been strong, but I’ve also been weak. I’ve been overly cocky and full of pride. I have hurt people that I would never hurt on purpose, and I have shaken the very foundation that I thought would be unshakable.
I’ve come a long way in the last several months, but I have so far to go. I tried to become better at communication, and in some ways I have. But in communicating openly with myself I have learned that I’m nothing more than a weak, scared girl who is on the verge of giving up completely.
Wise people say that the value of a man is not in how you fall, but how you rise up after you’ve fallen. And I’ve fallen friends…I have fallen hard, but I don’t know how to get up. And today, I’m not sure I can. Quitting is not really an option, but it’s definitely what I want to do right now. I want to curl up and fall into unconsciousness until it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Over the last month or so I’ve been having a recurring dream. I dream that I’ve just died and while the people in my life are so sad, I’m just relieved. In my unconscious thoughts death seems easier than moving forward in my current reality, and that, my friends, is the scariest place I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure I should be laying on a couch somewhere right now, but that’s not an option today.
My only recourse within myself is to share what I’m feeling with you here. I have only consumed 200 calories… I haven’t showered today…I haven’t worked out, and I cannot bring myself to eat or even drink a glass of water. My stomach has been in knots for weeks, and it gets better for a little while then reality strikes.
Reality struck me hard today. My quiet fears of being unloved and unsettled came full surface. But today, for the first time in my life, I decided to let go of my pride and share all of my feelings. Today I tried to express the love I have and the love I’m willing to give, but it seems that those feelings may not be enough.
I love myself though it’s hard to remember why right now. And it’s even harder to not be sure what to do next. Patience has never been my strong suit. If you know me at all, you know that’s true.
My heart is full of insecurity and love and pain and questions. It feels opaque and dirty and so unlike it usually feels.
I want to be a better person…I want to be the happy person that I was only a couple of months ago. I want to be determined and smart and strong and happy and beautiful, but I don’t know how. And sadly, that’s all I have to say…