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Losing Control: Seeking To Regain My Mental Grip (Not Pounds)

I knew this week could be stressful so I wrote posts in preparation for being away from the blogosphere for a while, but this post is important. I am too important to let myself regress so I’m going to workout right now then I’ll come back and write.


I’m back after completing a big, sweaty workout. I’m not sure how to begin this post so here it is: I feel like I’m losing control. I’m making choices that I know I don’t really want to make, and I can’t explain why I’m doing it. Over the weekend I indulged in cupcakes and sushi, but what happened on Monday that allowed my brain to think it was okay to eat Kit-Kats? Yes, you read that’s plural.

Over the last few months my eating habits have spiraled, and while I don’t usually eat more than my daily POINTS allowance, I don’t feel as good as I do when I make healthy, responsible choices. I’m not happy with where I am today. I have consumed too much sodium. I have consumed too much crap in general. I started the day by eating a candy bar. What?!

It is so easy to make healthy dishes that are filling and satisfying, but it has been even easier to make lame excuses in my own mind as to why I should just grab something to go. I’m not talking about fast food here. That stuff is gross. But even if my choices could be worse, they are not nearly as good as they have been or should be.

I often say that nothing is off-limits, and that statement is true. But I could be/should be doing so much better with my food choices overall. I typically consume healthy foods (veggies, fiber rich foods, lean proteins) about 85% of the time while eating things like candy or cupcakes or hot chocolate about 15% of the time. And this strategy has worked well for me in the past. But I’m not doing that now…not even close.

When I arrived in Oklahoma over the summer, one of the first places Dad and I ate was Charlie’s Chicken. I had three fried chicken chunks, a side of mashed potatoes and fried okra. It was delicious and easily within my daily POINTS allowance, but that kind of meal is something I should have rarely. And it was the beginning of my downward spiral towards lower quality foods. Thankfully, Charlie’s Chicken is far, far away from New York, but as you can see in previous posts, I’ve managed to eat a few incredibly fattening foods here lately too.

Eating fattening, unhealthy foods is acceptable in my mind when I do it with purpose. When it is my plan to eat something unhealthy, I usually make up for it with healthy choices the rest of the day and week. But my eating and exercise habits have digressed quite a bit over the last 7 days or so. Just one week ago I wrote about regaining control, and I find myself desperately searching for the strength I found to get back in the game. I ate well a few days last week, but I haven’t had a truly healthy day since last Wednesday! This is not acceptable.

I’ve been losing just a little for far too long now. A little loss here and a little loss there is great, but I am capable of so much more! And it’s time for me to start acting like it. My choices need to be better. I feel happier with myself when I make dishes that I’m proud to post on my blog. I feel fuller and more satisfied when I eat 5 to 9 vegetables per day. And I feel proud every time I go to bed knowing that I had enough water that day.

So I’m going to say it again today. I have learned that I have many strengths on this journey, but I still have so many weaknesses. My body craves exercise and healthy foods. I know that because I feel so much better when I give my body the things it needs. I feel it after every workout. And I feel it when I feel satisfied without having a rock in my stomach.

This journey is long, and I’ve come a long way. I’ve come far enough to know that I cannot/will not go back! I love this new life even with my imperfections. I love being a gym member, swimming laps (can’t wait to find a pool again) and working on healthy, satisfying cooking projects.

Perhaps I haven’t fallen off any wagons, but I’ve been dwelling in mediocrity for too long. I have so much to accomplish and so much to live for…and even when times are tough I’m happier knowing that I’m taking care of my body and mind.

I worked out today, and I’ll do it again tomorrow. I’ll make good food choices today then do the same again tomorrow. I’ll do my best right now because that’s all we have. And right now is always a good time to make changes. I can’t do anything about yesterday, but I will do my best once again to be sure that tomorrow is better than today.

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  • Reply
    September 28, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    It sounds like you are well on your way to regaining that control. Sometimes we need to slip a little to reinforce how important this journey is to us. Hang in there and keep the faith you will get back to your good eating habits. Stay strong!

  • Reply
    Real Life Reslers
    September 28, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    That's pretty much my mode of operations right now–just to make tomorrow better than today. I don't always do it and it's good to see I'm not the only one struggling. I love your blog- thanks for your honesty and encouragement.

  • Reply
    September 28, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Sometimes we have to lose control to gain it back. If anyone can do that – you can. Good or bad days – you continue to inspire.

  • Reply
    September 28, 2010 at 11:41 pm

    Kenz you have made the first step putting in words, you can do this, don't do what I have done, stop now and get back to that healthy eating and exercise that gives your body exactly what it craves, maybe plan a few days meals out, I find this helps me see all the great food I can have with in my points. I know you will pick up. Best wishes Jill

  • Reply
    September 28, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Saying it "out loud" (or posting it on your blog) is the hardest and FIRST step to getting back to your healthy way of living. I think it was Maya Angelou who said something like, we do the best we can, until we know better; then we do better.

    You know better now, Kenz, and I know you can and will do better. Take it one step at a time, maybe. This week make your daily workouts #1 priority. Next week, keep the workouts and ADD eating 5-9 veggies/day. Keep adding the healthy habits until they crowd out the less healthy! I believe in you and I know you believe in yourself, too.

    Here's to healthier choices and better days!

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 12:09 am

    Knowing is half the battle. I believe it's also the toughest side of the battle. Once you know, then it's choices. You are on the right track – don't beat yourself up for living life. Just go forward…exactly like you just said. 🙂

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 12:24 am

    Hi Kenz,
    It sounds like you've already taken the first steps in regaining control. You went to work out today and you recognize that you're spiraling out of control. You've also made plans to have a better tomorrow both in terms of exercise and your food choices. I'm glad to read that you're not beating yourself up over your lapses. That has been a mistake of mine in the past. Once I start beating myself up, it's just a short move to throwing up my hands and giving up altogether. Keep strong, girl. You're going to make it!

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 1:27 am

    Keep up the good work and I am proud of you that you are re-framing how you do things!!!!

  • Reply
    Shane G.
    September 29, 2010 at 2:02 am

    Kenz sweety, you got this. You just need to realize you got this and go get it! I expect two weeks of posts about how healthy you have been eating and you to get your swerve back baby!!

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 2:24 am

    You just gave yourself one heck of a pep talk my dear! Every road traveled has bumps and even pot holes in it, this may just be the bumpy part of your road. You've come so far and you know what to do, that doesn't mean it's going to be easy though. You'll find your stride again but until you do avoid the street with the cupcake store at all cost!

  • Reply
    A. Sparkle
    September 29, 2010 at 2:26 am

    I totally feel you on the out of control feeling and poor food choice, b/c I'm there myself. However tmrw is a new day, which can bring better choices. I know you can push thru this and come out on top!

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 2:28 am

    Kenz, I am so proud of you. You do know, you owe us nothing don't you, I mean you don't have to cheer us on. Just keep on reaching and keep on fighting the fight. You are worth it. I agree with planning your good meals, working out and making good choices….Take care of you….First and foremost. You are a beautiful woman, believe it.

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 2:34 am

    Hey girl…let me just say I understand the struggle. Sorry about the title of my last post…sounded bad I guess…I updated that post w/ a little more explanation. Thank you for checking on me. 🙂

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 2:54 am

    I could have written this myself! I keep finding myself making bad food choices — mostly junk. I do OK at work, but at home…. And, home should be my sanctuary where there is only good food, including treats. But I keep buying stuff that I don't need, and that is a habit I thought I had broken! Keep doing one step at a time! And when you get your groove back, let me know, so I can find mine!

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 3:13 am

    you slip you fall you standbackup you slip you fall you crawlbackup you slip you fall you healthier can sometimes be alot like learning to walk.

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 3:24 am

    I just came home and downed a candy bar. Just one of those days. But its the days like this that make the tomorrows feel so great!

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 4:27 am

    Really interesting post. I think the thing that jumped out at me most was "Perhaps I haven't fallen off any wagons, but I've been dwelling in mediocrity for too long." This really hits home for me. I'm not large, but I feel I could do better, but never have because for the time being I'm alright. This month I've been "forced" into more exercise (I teach aerobics, and took on a bunch of classes for another instructor who is gone for surgery) and I really want to use it to jump start things and make better food choices. Thanks for the inspiration. I still think you're doing great!

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 4:36 am

    I find sometimes if i take a day off and not exercise, and not eat totally off, it helps me come back and get re-committed!

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 4:47 am

    Yours has been one of the blogs I've been reading since just about the beginning of my journey and I've found it incredibly inspirational.

    Sometimes you have to remember that you can inspire yourself too.

    You've got this. You're going to go through bumps in the road, and good for you for catching it at the bump and avoiding the potholes.

    It's a process, and I've had time when I felt like I was spinning my wheels. The important part is to get out of it and you will.

  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 6:55 am

    You've recognized that there is something going on with you and it seems to me that you know how to fix it. Don't dwell on the past few weeks. All you can do is learn from it. This is a journey which has it's ups and downs.

    Yesterday I had a successful first weigh in. It was hot in San Francisco where I live so I thought of treating myself to some Skinny Cow ice cream. All I could find was Haagen Daaz so I ended up getting it. I promised myself that I would only eat one serving (the pint has 3) but I kept coming back for just another teaspoon. I realized what I was doing and ended up throwing it away. The temptation for me is too much. That's an issue for me and that will be the last time I buy ice cream. Live and learn.

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    September 29, 2010 at 7:30 am

    🙂 Hey, Kenz. Great post. Honestly looking at what's happening is always positive–even if the facts aren't. 🙂

    I certainly identify with your feelings, but unlike you, don't have the outstanding track record to look back on. You really HAVE consistently walked this Highway to Thin.

    A number of things hit me in this post, but I'll only mention two. ONE–You have pretty much stayed within your point range. You "have not fallen off any wagons." That is HUGE.

    I do recognize the feeling of out-of-control eating can be accurate even if you are within you points/cals, but don't discount that you haven't done HUGE damage to yourself.

    TWO–none of us got to the weight we got to by using food in a healthy, as it was intended, way. shrug. It is what it is. We got grossly overweight by using food to soothe, calm, numb ourselves during difficult or painful times.

    Anyone will revert to those well-worn coping skills if times get difficult enough. You have had total upheaval in your life all summer. Weeks of it, you haven't even been in New York. You've been traveing and dealing with "stuff" all summer.

    You heldout pretty well, I'd say. Food coping crept back in, but it hasn't found a home–it didn't gain enough control to wreck what you've done. It didn't.

    You've taken that deep breath, assessed the situation,and are marching forward. You'll learn from this.

    Ok. One more thing. I'm really proud of you. I think you have done a superhuman job these last few months. Really.


  • Reply
    September 29, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Good to take a look, revaluate.

    I'm probably going to a local fair with my fam tonight, and want to make good choices so that I might keep my weight where I am. To me that probably means not eating there at all.

    I think crap begets crap. If I allow something sugary, it makes me want to revisit sweet again. Maybe not until the next day, but it either makes me WANT it, or 'gives me permission'.

    I physically feel best and yes, proud when eating on plan as you describe. Enjoy getting back there; I know you will!

    Good job on working out. Jillian will be kicking my butt today as well.

  • Reply
    October 1, 2010 at 4:49 am

    Kenlie, I was really ready to throw in the towel this week – couldn't make it to meeting worked out conveniently – but, I'm going to dig back in and refocus.

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