Some of you know I was dating a guy (who doesn’t read my blog so I feel I can open up about this, by the way.) We weren’t serious or anything, but I liked him. He’s very tall, dark and handsome – a brainiac scientist who has been a gentleman more than anyone I’ve ever dated. Seriously folks..this guy walked on the side of the sidewalk closest to traffic, opened every door in sight…he even opened the car door for me even if I was driving.
We looked at millions of Christmas lights together even though we both wondered if he would burst into flames or something. He took pictures of us even though he thought his fingers might freeze off..and he has the prettiest dog ever. She loves me. 😉 He even put M&M’s in the popcorn we shared at the movies because he likes it that way too. 🙂
He played the guitar and sang songs to me for hours. He took me to a Brad Paisley concert and insisted that I take a picture of the giant Christmas tree that I adored, cooked dinner for me and kissed me in a way that made me forget everything else. TMI? If so, sorry…but I think of you as friends so forgive me.
I knew that something didn’t seem right over a week ago so I sent him a text message tonight, and he expressed that “he didn’t want to do this and hopes we can still be friends.” We spoke after that, and well..I had every intention of telling him off, but I was more interested in hearing why. He had planned to wait until we saw each other to share the news, but I’m glad he didn’t. I don’t need to let anyone see the disappointment in my eyes.
He said that he was going through a rough time now. And he is..I know he is though I won’t share the details, and that he wants to resume dating when he gets through it. He thinks good guys finish last, but he doesn’t understand that he’s choosing it this time. He allegedly likes me, but he’s been withdrawn..and not just from me. He stays at home most evenings and doesn’t spend much time with his friends which isn’t the norm. But seriously? I’ve heard this before, but unlike the other guy who said this to me, I think Mountain Man means it. I think he truly believes that it’s not fair to me and that he’ll work through it and find me. But is that okay? Really?
He sees everything from one perspective – his. He thinks he’s right even when he’s wrong, and he doesn’t view the world in the way that everyone else views it (which is attractive until it screws up my plans to be with him.) He’d rather get through the rough time alone than have someone who cares about him rub his shoulders or just listen.
He also said that he didn’t want me to give up better options (like moving to Austin or elsewhere) for him. Makes sense too, I suppose…but uhhh, I wouldn’t. I also believe that he doesn’t want to be with someone else. And I believe he cares about me at least a little (though not enough, obviously.)
I believe he’ll call (I think.) He has said so many things that other guys say, but unlike other guys he has backed up his words with action every single time. He thinks in black and white, and he says exactly what he means (even when it makes no sense.) But I wish I could convey how important it is to work things out in his head soon.
I wish he knew that I could help him now, and that he doesn’t have to go through the bad stuff alone. I wish he knew that he didn’t have to entertain me 24/7 (actually, he knows that already.) And I wish he knew that as much as I like him now, I won’t sit and wait for him forever. I mean, surely he knows I won’t. Surely he can see that I’ll have to put my chin up and smile my way into a new direction. Of course, I’m fooling myself for hoping he’ll see any of this.
At this point, I just have to accept that it’s time to move on again. I can’t make him want me, and even if I could I wouldn’t want to. Maybe at some point I’ll stop skipping a breath when my phone rings. And maybe at some point, I’ll be able to think of him without wondering if I’ll ever be right for anyone.
At least this time I was 100% myself. I was totally honest with him which is something I can’t say about every relationship I’ve been in. I gave him the opportunity to like me for who I am instead of who I hope to be someday, but it seems the person I am wasn’t quite enough this time. Maybe at some point I will be?
I do know that I’m (still) ready to settle into my new routine. I’m ready to continue embracing my weight-loss journey fully and to continue molding myself into someone I’m actually proud to be. I think I have put so much pressure on myself to be in a successful, happy relationship because I want to believe that someone can want me before I reach my weight-loss goal, but I have changed so much. And I guess I’ll continue changing, right?
I wonder if Mountain Man will call…I wonder if he’ll wait so long that I’m no longer interested. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone to love who loves me back (not saying that I was in love with Mountain Man, for the record…) I wonder if I’ll ever love myself enough not to care if I’m loved by someone else…
I know that I don’t have to have all of the answers tonight. I also know that there will be other tall, intelligent boys to kiss at some point, but tonight I only want one. And I don’t have him. I’m not asking for advice or pity…okay, maybe a little pity. 😉 I’m just sharing the contents of my heart because it’s all I know to do right now.
Was this post overly dramatic? Absolutely. Is that okay with me? Absolutely. Maybe it’s time to listen to sad songs and sleep…tomorrow is a new day, right?