Friends Inspiration weight loss

Chasing Normalcy

I spent some time talking to someone who is close to my heart yesterday afternoon. I met him when we both lived in New York in late 2007, but neither of us live there now.  He’s very tall, extremely intelligent and says exactly what he means. He has a very dry wit, and sometimes his words cause me to raise my brow at though I don’t think it’s ever intentional. He accepts my flaws and knows my hopes for the future.  He is a real friend who knows my thoughts and (most) of my desires,  but he cannot know how much his words affected me today.

Both of our lives are changing now so he has a deep understanding of the unknowns that I’m facing.  And yesterday I was talking, once again, about how my weight has held me back in many aspects of my life.  I never like admitting that, but if you read my blog then you already know that I’m trying to move outside of my comfort zone and into a place of self-honesty and self-acceptance.

As I went on and on about how my size plays a role in holding me back, he said he didn’t understand why it would now.  He said that because he understands the transformation that my body is making that he understands my point of view.  He knows that I’m trying to reach a certain goal, but if he knew nothing about me, he would just see me as a normal person

I realize that his words were not profound or complimentary nor will they impact everyone the way they have impacted me, but to someone who weighed nearly 400 pounds at one point, normalcy is a dream come true.  I can’t tell you how many times I walked through the mall or across Park Ave. longing for the day that I would blend in with the other normal looking people.  Forget supermodels.  I’ve never aspired to that, and I don’t now, but to walk down the street without hearing snide comments from strangers or feeling winded is something that I dreamed about for a long time. 

I spend so much time working toward the future that I sometimes forget to appreciate the present.  I’m still overweight, of course, but it’s been a long time since someone was blatantly rude to my face.  And walking down the street without feeling winded is as common now as wearing a coat that I can button.  It’s easy.  I even passed everyone at the track today.  Who knew that would ever happen?

Maybe my friend is right. Maybe his theory – that the way I see myself is the biggest road block now – is accurate.  Maybe I’m no longer so grossly overweight that teenage boys feel the need to tell me how ugly I am or so heavy that a potential employer won’t give me a chance.  He believes I will win a triathlon someday or complete the NYC Marathon if that’s what I decide to do.  Perhaps I should believe in myself as much as he seems to.

It’s obvious that I need to try harder to appreciate what I see in the mirror – a plus-size woman who takes care of herself, wears nice clothes, designer shoes and knows how to apply makeup and nail polish.  I see beauty in other women in my daily life and in the blogosphere everyday.  Maybe it’s time to start seeing the beauty in myself.

This guy makes me think about life from different perspectives on a regular basis, but this topic is definitely my favorite.  I hope I can express my gratitude for his words…his belief…at some point.  But if I did today, he’d probably wonder what the big deal is.  After all, he was only stating what was obvious in his mind.

Though he doesn’t know it now, his words made my day, and it reminded me just how important it is to keep working on the inside as I work on the outside.

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  • Reply
    February 9, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Awwww. He sounds so sweet! Looks like he may have helped you see yourself in a different light. Good! 🙂

  • Reply
    Shane G.
    February 9, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Kenz, I was particularly struck by the part where you talked about how you spend so much time working for the future you forget to appreciate the present. I honestly attribute my success to balance the two out. I think that my strongest trait is that I remain thankful for each and every accomplishment long after it has stirred the awe and amazement in me for the first time. For example, I even last night in class stared in wonder at how much room was between my belly and student desk. I have fit well in those desks for 4 or 5 months now, but it instills awe in me every time I sit down in one to this day. I also get amazed at how much faster I can walk now. I used to be the guy that got passed up in Wal Mart all the time cause I walked slow. Now, I am the impatient guy that passes the slow moving people in Wal Mart. Oh, and when I was leaving class the other night in the frigid temps, I passed several youngster who were also walking quickly to their cars! I say all that, but I also look to the future on a regular basis. I imagine what June is going to be like when I am out on a hiking trail and I am hoofing it but not huffing it. I imagine what it will be like when i get online for an amusement park ride and don't have one twinge of anxiety about will I fit. I imagine how much better I will look in my graduation picture when I am taking my Bachelor's Degree from the Chancellor in May! I think that you should appreciate all you have accomplished Kenz, because let's call a spade a spade, you have done a ton, you are well along in your progress! Are you where you want to be? no, but you are far away from where you were, right?

  • Reply
    February 9, 2011 at 11:30 am

    God knows just what we need to hear. I think conversations like that are divine intervention…not mere coincidence. YOu are beautiful on the inside and outside!

  • Reply
    February 9, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Thanks for the post … I have an old friend like that too that I have not talked to in a while. A sweet reminder of how important those relationships are and how important it is to continue to nuture them.

  • Reply
    Madison Chase
    February 9, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    I don't think it's a case of "perhaps". You should feel great about yourself because you've come a long way. And no matter how heavy you are or are not, you are a loveable, worthwhile human being. And no one should make you feel differently. Not even yourself. I know that is far easier said than done. And self image is the hardest obstacle we face during weight loss. But there it is. Your friend is right on the money.

  • Reply
    February 9, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Very thought provoking..I can use a reminder to keep working on the inside as I continue to work on the outside.

    I liked this line; "I see beauty in other women in my daily life and in the blogosphere everyday. Maybe it's time to start seeing the beauty in myself.

    Such a good reminder. Why is that so difficult for many of us, y'know?

    I'm grateful along with you for your kind & encouraging friend!

  • Reply
    February 9, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Sounds like you have a really good friend!

    I'm relatively new to your blog and I spent some time exploring the other day. I looked at your pictures, how far you've come and the progress you continue to make. You are beautiful! Keep up the hard work and keep pushing forward 🙂

  • Reply
    February 9, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Normal! What a powerful word that can be when we're working on losing weight. We just want to fit in, blend in, and not be noticed…wait…what?! You're gorgeous and everyone should see you! Don't strive to be normal, Kenz, you're anything but! You're beautiful, whitty, and so much more than designer shoes and nail polish. Stand out, dare to be YOU!

  • Reply
    February 9, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    I just love your posts, they really make me stop and think of things that I put in the back of my mind. It is very difficult to stop and appreciate the present.

  • Reply
    KCLAnderson (Karen)
    February 9, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    There's this funny thing that happens when we lose a significant amount of weight (and I am sure you're aware of it): our brains take longer to catch up with our bodies. And sometimes it really messes us up…that you're writing about this and pondering it can only be a good thing!

  • Reply
    February 9, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    see kenz? now that's the guy you should be going out with. any possibility there?

  • Reply
    Lisa G
    February 10, 2011 at 12:22 am

    I agree with anon! What's the story with this guy? 🙂

  • Reply
    February 10, 2011 at 4:09 am

    Gosh, to be "normal" again – I so understand what you mean! I can't wait to FEEL normal. Great post! Thanks for sharing!

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