Talking about sex is considered taboo at times so I usually stay away from the subject, but at this point in my life, I feel like it’s okay to discuss it. I don’t have a boyfriend nor am I dating anyone so there are no feelings to consider or egos to protect. Instead, I finally feel free to share my thoughts on the physical. If you’re prude and/or easily offended (or if you were present at my birth) I still value you…please just come back tomorrow. =)
I’m almost 5’4″, and at my heaviest weight I tipped the scales at nearly 400 pounds. And while being intimate with someone wasn’t impossible, it was far from sexy…and even further from reality. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I looked in the mirror and hated the girl I saw. Recently, I described my former reflection as a stranger that I didn’t want to get to know. When I looked at myself I saw someone who had given up, and I resented her. I believed she was disgusting, and I believed that everyone else thought she was disgusting too. And many did.
Someone in my past even confirmed my fears by openly and respectfully (as respectfully as one can be when they’re telling you that you’re a complete turn off) and apologetically shared that while he was attracted to other qualities he found my body repulsive.
In the beginning I didn’t blame him. My reasoning was that if I didn’t like the way I looked then I couldn’t expect him to like it either, but somewhere along this journey my thoughts on this began to change. I’m still overweight, but I no longer loathe myself. And I no longer think that it’s okay to accept that someone loves me knowing he doesn’t love all of me.
After parting ways the man who shall forever remain nameless, I sought out relationships with others in a subconscious attempt to prove to myself that others thought I was attractive now. I just wanted, perhaps needed to believe that someone thought I was beautiful after feeling as though I was broken for so long. I needed to know that I wasn’t damaged goods. I needed to know that it could be good again, and it was.
But after a string dates late last year (some good and some kind of horrible) I know that it’s okay to be alone now. I know now that there are guys on the planet who think I’m pretty, and I know that’s not as important as I thought it was for a while. I also know that while there’s still a lot of work to do on the outside, there’s plenty to do on the inside too. And being proud of myself on the inside is just as important (if not more important) than being proud of the outside.
As I said, I am not dating anyone right now, and while I enjoy kissing handsome boys and changing my Facebook status to “in a relationship” it’s not time. It’s strange to say this, but I don’t mind as much as I thought I would. This is a breakthrough moment coming from the girl who had her first crush at 6 years old and has had one ever since. 😉
We all know that my body is changing, but my mind is changing in ways that it never has before. I want to be loved someday for who I am…not who I’m pretending to be or who I wish I could be. There are people reading this blog who know the specifics (and a few who think they do) throwing stones from their glass houses, and to those people I say “Hey…I’m working on it, and if that’s not enough then too bad.”
I’m actively trying to change, and that’s the best I can do today. And while everyone else has probably known how important it is to face our inner issues all along, I’m proud of myself for seeing the importance of this now. Maybe it’s not too late for me after all…