Sex and the Shrinking Girl

Talking about sex is considered taboo at times so I usually stay away from the subject, but at this point in my life, I feel like it’s okay to discuss it.  I don’t have a boyfriend nor am I dating anyone so there are no feelings to consider or egos to protect.  Instead, I finally feel free to share my thoughts on the physical.  If you’re prude and/or easily offended (or if you were present at my birth) I still value you…please just come back tomorrow.  =)

I’m almost 5’4″, and at my heaviest weight I tipped the scales at nearly 400 pounds.  And while being intimate with someone wasn’t impossible, it was far from sexy…and even further from reality.  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I looked in the mirror and hated the girl I saw.  Recently, I described my former reflection as a stranger that I didn’t want to get to know.  When I looked at myself I saw someone who had given up, and I resented her.  I believed she was disgusting, and I believed that everyone else thought she was disgusting too. And many did.

Someone in my past even confirmed my fears by openly and respectfully (as respectfully as one can be when they’re telling you that you’re a complete turn off)  and apologetically shared that while he was attracted to other qualities he found my body repulsive.

In the beginning I didn’t blame him.  My reasoning was that if I didn’t like the way I looked then I couldn’t expect him to like it either, but somewhere along this journey my thoughts on this began to change.  I’m still overweight, but I no longer loathe myself.  And I no longer think that it’s okay to accept that someone loves me knowing he doesn’t love all of me.

After parting ways the man who shall forever remain nameless, I sought out relationships with others in a subconscious attempt to prove to myself that others thought I was attractive now.  I just wanted, perhaps needed to believe that someone thought I was beautiful after feeling as though I was broken for so long.  I needed to know that I wasn’t damaged goods.  I needed to know that it could be good again, and it was.

But after a string dates late last year (some good and some kind of horrible) I know that it’s okay to be alone now. I know now that there are guys on the planet who think I’m pretty, and I know that’s not as important as I thought it was for a while.  I also know that while there’s still a lot of work to do on the outside, there’s plenty to do on the inside too.  And being proud of myself on the inside is just as important (if not more important) than being proud of the outside.

As I said, I am not dating anyone right now, and while I enjoy kissing handsome boys and changing my Facebook status to “in a relationship” it’s not time.  It’s strange to say this, but I don’t mind as much as I thought I would.  This is a breakthrough moment coming from the girl who had her first crush at 6 years old and has had one ever since. 😉

We all know that my body is changing, but my mind is changing in ways that it never has before.  I want to be loved someday for who I am…not who I’m pretending to be or who I wish I could be.  There are people reading this blog who know the specifics (and a few who think they do) throwing stones from their glass houses, and to those people I say “Hey…I’m working on it, and if that’s not enough then too bad.”

I’m actively trying to change, and that’s the best I can do today. And while everyone else has probably known how important it is to face our inner issues all along, I’m proud of myself for seeing the importance of this now.  Maybe it’s not too late for me after all…

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38 Comments

  • Reply
    als
    February 3, 2011 at 8:42 am

    Kenz, that is SUCH an important realization, that you don't NEED a man in your life to be complete! You will be able to focus on yourself, discover who you truly are, and learn to love you for you. And that is SO important! I really wish more women could realize this as well. Good for you – you should really be proud of yourself. Keep it up!!!

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  • Reply
    Maria
    February 3, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Bravo for you! This realization is such a new mind set for all. Good for you!

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  • Reply
    Steelers6
    February 3, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    I'm so proud of you for working on the outside AND facing inner issues. [seems to be a common thread for WL bloggers..I guess both are very important!] And it is nice that I don't need to feel alone on this.

    May I just say once again that I realize your blog is for you, and I'm sure is a big part of your journey, but you truly are helping and encouraging a lot of others along your way.

    Thanks for sharing. Chrissy

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  • Reply
    Becca
    February 3, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Excellent post – I feel like I have seen you change on the outside but so much more in the INSIDE through the past year. And I am so incredibly proud of you and your confidence!! Awesome!

    ~Becca

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  • Reply
    Joanna
    February 3, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Wow – I can so relate to this post. For four years I tried to find someone to love me for me – despite the fact that I hated who I was.

    I finally had to learn how to love and be happy with myself before I could expect anyone else to feel the same…and then, you know what? He came along. After I stopped looking, after I was happy just being me a man appeared in my life who became my friend – my best friend – and he's been here ever since.

    I love him more than I've ever loved anyone – because he loves me for me… every pound, every inch.

    This is a huge step you've made – I'm so happy for you!!

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  • Reply
    Annaleah
    February 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Wow. What a powerful post. I have been married for many years, and still struggle with some of the internal demons you've mentioned (i.e., my own body image). Thank you for being couragous enough to share your real feelings, which is certainly a step towards overcoming them. You've given me quite a bit to reflect on. Thank you.

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  • Reply
    This Old Woman Says What?
    February 3, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    I think you're amazing for realizing this while still young. I like to call myself a late bloomer… I learned so many things later in life.
    But at least we learn them, eh?
    Keep up the great work on YOU. 🙂

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  • Reply
    FatAngryBlog
    February 3, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Great post!!!

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  • Reply
    findingchristi
    February 3, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    What a break through! I love when "things you've heard before" or "things you've heard your whole life" finally break through and ring true to me!
    Don't be a woman that needs a man. Be a woman that a man needs!

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  • Reply
    Chubby McGee
    February 3, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    You're beautiful. I love your courage, your brilliance, and this post. Your attitude is fantastic, too.

    Big hugs!

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  • Reply
    Heather A
    February 3, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    A wonderful post, hun!! I'm so happy to see you in such a positive head-space these days, having returned to your fabulous & awesome self again after the trials and tribulations of last year. You are so strong, even if you don't always feel like it.

    Keep up the momentum! 🙂

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  • Reply
    Laurie
    February 3, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    It is SO not too late for you. You are beautiful inside and out and I am so glad that you are taking the time to get to know you.

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  • Reply
    Shannon
    February 3, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    You are an inspiration to many women. This journey you are on will bring your more than you will ever know, and although I don't know you, I am proud of you! Keep it up…good things are coming your way!

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  • Reply
    erinmakesitwork
    February 3, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    I love this, Kenz. You are a beautiful, strong, wonderful woman at your very core. Learning to be proud of yourself makes dealing with relationships so much easier. After a string of bad relationships, I too came to a realization that I was okay with being single. I spent 2 years loving me and hanging out with my good friends. I was ready when loved walked in, because I was happy without it. I hope you continue to love your life just as it is, while working toward what it should be!

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  • Reply
    Sabrina
    February 3, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Well said! I realized the same thing last year. Only now am I actually seeing the need for me to change.

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  • Reply
    Delane
    February 3, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    This is just my opinion, and regardless of size, I keep thinking to myself, your young what is the rush?

    I think women, obese or at a healthy weight try to rush relationships and get involved with people who don't love them 100%. For some its the opposite.

    They have great physical relationships but not emotional.

    I think you need both and I think when you meet someone and its the real thing it will happen. Then you need to work to keep it.

    Everyone one has likes or dislikes, attractions to different qualities. Its just finding the right person and growing a relationship.

    I hope this made sense.

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  • Reply
    sharlaelizabeth
    February 3, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    Kudos to you. Loving and accepting who you are will lead you to amazing new places, and bring amazing people in to your life, romantic or otherwise.

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  • Reply
    Formerly known as Frau
    February 3, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    You deserve it and will find that someone it's never too late! Great post keep up the good work….you are such an inspiration.

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  • Reply
    Annie, The Amazing Shrinking Girl
    February 3, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    I love this post! Just reading your words I can tell how strong of person you are now and can't imagine what you will become.

    Like the other comments, you totally deserve it and don't bother "settling" just because you think you have to.

    Keep it up, girl!

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  • Reply
    Bringing Pretty Back
    February 3, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    " If you were present at my birth!" That was just hilarious to me!
    I love what you have to say,
    Have a pretty day!
    Kristin

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  • Reply
    seattlerunnergirl
    February 3, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    Good for you, Kenz. I think we can ALL identify to the trap of looking to others for our self-worth. And I also know that I have TOTALLY been in that place before where you somehow think it's okay for someone to love *parts* of you instead of all of you.

    I think that the more you fall in love with yourself, inside and out, the more others will have the opportunity to do the same.

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  • Reply
    Kenlie's Dad
    February 3, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    i was there at her birth and i do believe this is her best blog post yet.

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  • Reply
    The Skinny Doll
    February 3, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    FABULOUS! All of it.. you.. your mindset.. your dad.. FABULOUS!

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  • Reply
    Real Life Reslers
    February 3, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    I agree! BEST blog post yet!

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  • Reply
    Shawn
    February 3, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    or if you were present at my birth..that's funny!

    I love that you're working on loving the inside as much as the outside and I hate that someone would say such hurtful things. You're a stronger person because of it though!

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    February 4, 2011 at 1:37 am

    You are awesome!

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  • Reply
    Anonymous
    February 4, 2011 at 1:38 am

    Thanks for sharing this post with us. My husband of 10 years just admitted this same thing to me. I had my instincts, but it is so different when someone actually says the words to you. I am still trying to process this in my own head. You are an inspiration.

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  • Reply
    KCLAnderson (Karen)
    February 4, 2011 at 1:43 am

    This post makes my heart happy…I was always looking for love in all the wrong places and I was so very lucky that I found an amazing man who was able to love me when I wasn't yet able to love myself. And I do agree that it's so much better to be whole and ready and in love with oneself before committing to someone else! So cheers and here's to your relationship with yourself! 🙂

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  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    February 4, 2011 at 1:47 am

    🙂 Deb

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  • Reply
    J
    February 4, 2011 at 2:08 am

    Well said! You are changing, and I am proud of you!
    J

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  • Reply
    jennykate77
    February 4, 2011 at 6:14 am

    I think you put that very eloquently and even if I was present at your birth, it would have still been something I would want to read. You're so brave to put these thoughts out there. I know other people learn so much from your thoughts and process. I've had those feelings before too and I know that it's possible to feel pretty and not be at an ideal weight. Good for you for coming to the point where you realize that it's ok to be without a handsome boyfriend to kiss. The perfect one for you will come one day…and he'll sweep you off your feet. I hope you'll blog about that as well. 🙂

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  • Reply
    Dizzy Girl
    February 4, 2011 at 6:19 am

    I'm really proud of you Kenz, I know what a big moment this is. We've discussed this many times, and to see you actually take this step is huge. 🙂 ILY!!!

    D

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  • Reply
    ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥
    February 4, 2011 at 8:58 am

    Delane, I don't think I'm in a rush for anything. I mean, I'm 30 years old…If I were rushing I would have married the first boy who wanted me to, and I didn't. But you're right..I came close to spending my life with someone who didn't 100% love me, and I certainly didn't love myself 100% either. I think that's the lesson here..and I'm actively trying to change that.

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  • Reply
    ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥
    February 4, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Anonymous #2..While I obviously don't know who you are, I do believe I can feel your pain. It's horrid and awful, and no one should ever have to hear those words. I'm so sorry you heard them too, and I only hope that it doesn't break you. Whoever you are, I'm sure you're beautiful…

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  • Reply
    ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥
    February 4, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Deb and Diz…ILY too..

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  • Reply
    ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥
    February 4, 2011 at 9:01 am

    And Dad, you surprised me today in the best way..thank you for being proud of me..ILY (short for I love you.)

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  • Reply
    zedramaqueen
    February 4, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Your dad gave you a priceless gift today. Someday you will find a man equal to him…and he will be the right one. 🙂 Love you!

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  • Reply
    Lucy K
    February 4, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Awesome post! I have an award waiting for you at
    The Journey of Lucy

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