Choosing My Future

The choices we make today affect how we live tomorrow.” 

I’ve heard this quote a few times today, and it has put in my a very introspective mood.  I’ve made choices that have resulted in the life that I have now.  A year ago, I would have been fine with that statement, but I didn’t realize that I was lying to myself and the people around me.  I am not where I want to be or where I thought I would be.

And while it’s embarrassing and a bit distressing to admit that I’m 30 and disappointed in myself, admitting it is necessary to breed hope.  “The choices we make today affect how we live tomorrow.”  That quote is full of truth as well as motivation to work toward the life I want to have. 

I’ve already started by changing my relationship with food and exercise, and to be honest, nothing in life ever seemed more daunting than that.  Now it’s time to start applying the same will and strength to other areas that are also important.

I’ve reached a point recently in which I feel like I know what I want out of my life, and it’s all different than I thought it was – at least different than I admitted it was.  I want a career that I enjoy and to love someone who loves me as much or more.  I want a baby girl (someday..you know, after I find that person to love and everything. ha)  and to live the life that has always seemed so foreign to me.

I don’t truly have any of these things today, but I’m working on the new career which will take some time.  I have established some new goals which terrify me, but I’m much more fearful of looking back at a life wasted. 

And I can’t control the rest – finding the love of my life, making a family, etc. but just admitting this is something that I couldn’t do until recently.  Of course I want a family – a husband and a baby…maybe more than one baby! Why has it always been so hard to admit/accept that? 

I’ve been thinking on this for months now though I’ve only decided to openly admit it today.  I think that one of the reasons it’s so hard to admit that I want a family is because it has always seemed so out of reach.  It’s still out of reach.  I’m not even dating anyone right now, and I still weigh more than I should (or want to) so thinking of making a family is absurd. 

But if I ever hope to have the things I want out of life, I need to start acting like it.  I need to recognize that opportunities are most often found through hard work.  I’ve coasted for a long time.  I’ve felt temporary happiness that was fleeting, but I want the real thing.  I want to look in the mirror and see someone who can make herself happy and successful on her own because she knows she deserves that. 

No one can fix this for me or make it all better except me.  For years, I have cared so much about what people think of me that I’ve neglected to care about what I think of me.  I’m worth so much more than I’ve given myself credit for, and that changes now. 

I’m anxious about the future, but I don’t want to miss out on all of the amazing things that definitely will not happen if I don’t start creating those opportunities for myself.  I’m going back to New York in a few weeks to start working on creating a new future.  It’s terrifying and exciting and nerve-racking liberating!  And I forgive myself for being afraid, but I don’t think I could forgive myself for not trying. 

I can’t control every aspect of the future, but I will work to increase my chances of creating the life I want for myself.  And if I fall on my face, I’ll get up and be proud that I tried before trying again. 

So that’s it…it’s almost time to begin a new chapter.  Am I ready? I sure as hell hope so…

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16 Comments

  • Reply
    Brittany
    March 15, 2011 at 4:33 am

    Gosh! I'm so proud of you 🙂 Thank you for being real and honest! I'm so excited for thsi next chapter in our lives 🙂 LOVE YOU!

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  • Reply
    despitemyself
    March 15, 2011 at 4:39 am

    a very brave post:~) i struggle w some of the same things (& i'm 36…).

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  • Reply
    Future Fit
    March 15, 2011 at 4:43 am

    YOu're ready 🙂

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  • Reply
    Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia
    March 15, 2011 at 5:25 am

    The fact that you wrote this post shows that you are ready. It's so normal to have doubt but going forward is what makes a difference. I never in a MILLION years thought that I would get married because I did not think anyone would love me but I'm in love, I'm loved, I'm happy and I am worthy.
    Keep repeating it until you KNOW and FEEL IS TRUE.
    I know you will achieve all your dreams

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  • Reply
    {Absolutely, Positively} Josie
    March 15, 2011 at 7:10 am

    ". . . [A]dmitting it is necessary to breed hope."
    That's a revolutionary idea for me. The jewels you dig up on this journey are enjoyed by and are hopeful examples for many (like me) who have yet to dig in like you have.

    I know you know all things are possible with God, and I am praying for you, Kenz.

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  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    March 15, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Such meaningful insights, Kenz. And essential ones for your journey, I think. Deb

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  • Reply
    Shane G.
    March 15, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Kenz, I want to offer this advice in your quest. Don't think of the big picture all at once all the time. I have noticed that one of the biggest road blocks people tend to throw in front of themselves is that they want to focus on getting it all done right now. I am not as bad as most in this regard and it has helped me along this crazy road over the past 5 years of my life. I tackle each task as it comes, not looking forward to the next one until it becomes necessary. I started off my education by just focusing on getting my associates for now, then as it neared the end I worked on getting my bachelors degree. I started off the weight loss by just focusing on getting my first ten pounds off, then the next and I continued to keep small goals in mind, even though I knew that I had the ultimate big goal. I never got too far ahead of myself. I took it a step at a time. So if you can, just stay focused on the task in front of you, and when the time comes, go on to the next.

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  • Reply
    Joshua
    March 15, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Wow! What an insightful post! I'm praying that you chase after those dreams and grab them! Recognizing what you want is the first step!

    Way to go! Kenz FTW!

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  • Reply
    Tara
    March 15, 2011 at 11:24 am

    This my friend gets a full on SHAZAM! We always seem to wait on the sidelines wondering if we'll ever get what we want. We fail to recoginze we are absolutely allowed to go head first into the game and get what we deserve!

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  • Reply
    Amanda
    March 15, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    It's good you're having this conversation with yourself now — believe me, it's less fun to have it at forty 😉

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  • Reply
    Roxie-Girl
    March 15, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Don't wait until you have that love of your life and baby by your side to start thinking about YOU! Do it now!
    I waited and I'm now thinking of myself more and more each day. Family takes it kinda hard, but I've got to do it! Noone else can do it for me.

    I wish you so much success in your new career, and along the way! You WILL find love when you're least expecting it…I promise!

    Take care of yourself and do right by you, you will be so proud of all the positive changes you make.

    xoxo
    Roxie-Girl

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  • Reply
    Cara B.
    March 15, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    It's hard to admit fear and even more difficult to overcome it. Good job and thank you!

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  • Reply
    Steelers6
    March 15, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    So proud of you.

    I like that quote too.

    Exciting times!

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  • Reply
    Laurie
    March 15, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    What a brave post. I am often scared to admit things that I want for fear of failing or not getting them. You are embracing hope and success and it is very inspiring.

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  • Reply
    lanae
    March 15, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Good for you Kenz. Having such a candid and truthful conversation with yourself is brave but sharing it with all of us is, well, amazing. I so agree with Shane's post. One step at a time. Visualize what you want and it will come to you. Have faith. Bravo Kenz Bravo!!

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  • Reply
    279
    March 16, 2011 at 2:43 am

    Wow … what an honest post. Excellent! Good luck in your journey back to New York City. Make it happen girl. This city makes you happy. Go and make your dreams come true! Only you can do that … and you will.

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