“The choices we make today affect how we live tomorrow.”
I’ve heard this quote a few times today, and it has put in my a very introspective mood. I’ve made choices that have resulted in the life that I have now. A year ago, I would have been fine with that statement, but I didn’t realize that I was lying to myself and the people around me. I am not where I want to be or where I thought I would be.
And while it’s embarrassing and a bit distressing to admit that I’m 30 and disappointed in myself, admitting it is necessary to breed hope. “The choices we make today affect how we live tomorrow.” That quote is full of truth as well as motivation to work toward the life I want to have.
I’ve already started by changing my relationship with food and exercise, and to be honest, nothing in life ever seemed more daunting than that. Now it’s time to start applying the same will and strength to other areas that are also important.
I’ve reached a point recently in which I feel like I know what I want out of my life, and it’s all different than I thought it was – at least different than I admitted it was. I want a career that I enjoy and to love someone who loves me as much or more. I want a baby girl (someday..you know, after I find that person to love and everything. ha) and to live the life that has always seemed so foreign to me.
I don’t truly have any of these things today, but I’m working on the new career which will take some time. I have established some new goals which terrify me, but I’m much more fearful of looking back at a life wasted.
And I can’t control the rest – finding the love of my life, making a family, etc. but just admitting this is something that I couldn’t do until recently. Of course I want a family – a husband and a baby…maybe more than one baby! Why has it always been so hard to admit/accept that?
I’ve been thinking on this for months now though I’ve only decided to openly admit it today. I think that one of the reasons it’s so hard to admit that I want a family is because it has always seemed so out of reach. It’s still out of reach. I’m not even dating anyone right now, and I still weigh more than I should (or want to) so thinking of making a family is absurd.
But if I ever hope to have the things I want out of life, I need to start acting like it. I need to recognize that opportunities are most often found through hard work. I’ve coasted for a long time. I’ve felt temporary happiness that was fleeting, but I want the real thing. I want to look in the mirror and see someone who can make herself happy and successful on her own because she knows she deserves that.
No one can fix this for me or make it all better except me. For years, I have cared so much about what people think of me that I’ve neglected to care about what I think of me. I’m worth so much more than I’ve given myself credit for, and that changes now.
I’m anxious about the future, but I don’t want to miss out on all of the amazing things that definitely will not happen if I don’t start creating those opportunities for myself. I’m going back to New York in a few weeks to start working on creating a new future. It’s terrifying and exciting and nerve-racking liberating! And I forgive myself for being afraid, but I don’t think I could forgive myself for not trying.
I can’t control every aspect of the future, but I will work to increase my chances of creating the life I want for myself. And if I fall on my face, I’ll get up and be proud that I tried before trying again.
So that’s it…it’s almost time to begin a new chapter. Am I ready? I sure as hell hope so…