Will I Ever Be Hot? (Uh, Don’t Answer That)

Looking in the mirror is supposed to be easier after losing weight, isn’t it?  And in truth, it is much easier to look at myself than it was, but I’m still aware that I’m not pretty by societal standards.  And that leaves me feeling insecure – some days more than others. 

So when someone calls me pretty or beautiful – which seems to be happening a lot lately, it’s hard to imagine that they’re not a) feeling sorry for me or b) patronizing me.   In my mind, I see myself as someone who has the potential to be pretty – you know, after I lose another seventy pounds or so.  And, believe it or not, that’s a big improvement in my self image, but I long for the day that I feel fine (dare I say like) about what I see.  I often wonder if that day will ever come.

I feel cuter more often than before.  I dress well and my smaller clothes are much more flattering.   I know that I’ll reach my physical goals, but will I feel pretty then?  Will I look at myself and think “yeah, I see a cute person on the outside now.”  I don’t aspire to become full of myself, but I do aspire to feel satisfied with my looks.  And I wonder if I ever will. 

Time will tell…

31 thoughts on “Will I Ever Be Hot? (Uh, Don’t Answer That)

  1. Dizzy Girl

    I think there will be a day when you are satisfied physically Kenz- for sure. But I also know that you can have the best body in the world and still hate what you see in the mirror; I have way too many friends like this. I have a friend that admitted to me the other day (she weighs 115 lbs!) that she will never get naked in front of her boyfriend because she hates her body so bad. In my mind she has the cutest and smallest body ever! I would kill for that body! The reflection you see is not everything- and you know this. I know you know this. Being happy with who you ARE as a person, inside and out, and what you can DO for others- will bring you far more happiness than just looking good and dressing well. I've heard before, and I don't know if this is true and I may be rocking the boat hard when I say this- that our outsides reflect how we feel on the inside. So as you continue to work on yourself outside and in- I think you will definitely come to a day where you are happy and satisfied with your results…for sure! I know you- you work too hard to stop short of your dream girl!

    xoxoxoxo-

    D

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  2. Cynthia

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and girl, I'm beholding you. You're definitely an attractive lady. Please keep in mind that skinny does NOT equal pretty. Goodness knows I've seen my share of fugly skinny chicks, you know the ones they call 'butterface'. lol Your body is a work in progress but you've got a great foundation, a million dollar smile, gorgeous face (and I don't mean that in the patronizing 'oh you have such a pretty face' sorta way people say. Your kindness and intelligence really only enhance what you see on the outside. I like to believe even the women we regard as gorgeous, flawless or drop dead gorgeous feel as you do more often than we think. You're already a hott potato it's just a matter of you believing it yourself. Hugs to you Kenz 🙂

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  3. Cynthia

    edited to add: Kenz do you mind sharing what size you wear? You always have the cutest outfits! Thanks.

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  4. ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥

    Diz, I know it's all relative, and I know you're right! But darlin', I'd still give a limb to look like you..you're goooooooorgeous…..love you lots! xoxoxox

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  5. Shane G.

    I will tell you this: you already are hot. Hotness to guys, or at least this guy, is not ALL about what you look like physically. Girls have that extra special something that transcends men, regardless of their appearance. Kathy is not prototypically what society calls beautiful, she is what I call a classical beauty. But she loves me, she takes care of me well, and she lets me take care of her. Most importantly, she puts up with me. All that added together and I can't help but smile every time I get to come home to her. It really is wonderful!

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  6. Tammy

    For the longest time, I had the opposite feeling: I thought I still looked good, even as I gained weight. Now, I have a picture of me at my highest weight on my computer at work, and I can't believe I thought that! I looked terrible. I still don't think I'm hot, but I try to dress as well as I can and accentuate the positives. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and eventually your brain will catch up to that fact!!!

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  7. Joshua

    One thing that I'm learning about *my* journey is that it's not only a physical change we go through, but it's also a mental/emotional change. I need to re-train myself what tastes good. Sure, that dessert that the server at Applebee's offered (for free) would taste GREAT. But, do I really want that? Okay, I REALLY wanted it, but I knew that the *taste* would be temporary. My happiness in becoming more healthy is forever!

    Same thing goes for our self-image. We don't see ourselves as others see us. But, remember this – YOUR journey and how far you've come is an inspiration to so many people. And – for the record, you *are* pretty. 🙂

    Keep up the good work, and I'm sure you'll continue to amaze yourself!

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  8. HS @ Our Debt Blog

    As a male I think you are gorgeous! I love that smile and you seem to have a great personality…

    HS

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  9. ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥

    Cynthia, I currently wear a 22/24 in most things, but it varies depending on brand, cut, etc. =0)

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  10. ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥

    Shane, you're the best man..I hope to find what you and Kathy have at some point..it's a beautiful thing, and you're both beautiful people.

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  11. ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥

    H, Josh and Lisa…thank you for your sweet words. I'd hug you all right now if I could! =0)

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  12. Roz

    I can so understand your thoughts, but can I tell you, through my eyes, when I look at your picture, you ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! And the words on your blog show that you are beautful inside too! Take care of yourself, have a beautiful day!!!!

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  13. Umm Omar

    Hi Kenz,

    I hope I don't sound self-righteous or preachy here, but this post reminded me of something and I want to share it with you. A friend of mine recently passed away at the age of 25. She lost a long and hard battle with cancer. She said before she died that it took a deadly disease for her to finally be totally satisfied with her body. That was a huge reminder to me to love myself and appreciate myself while I still have my health and my youth. I try to focus on weight loss as something I need to do to attain better health, and I try to love myself every stop along the way.

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  14. ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥

    Umm Omar, Much respect to the memory of your friend. Situations affect us all differently, but I'm sorry to hear that she lost her life..:(

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  15. Maria

    I'm chiming in to join the group of those telling you that you already are beautiful. You have an amazing smile and beautiful eyes. I know it takes awhile to believe it, but it's all a journey, right? Just keep reminding yourself how awesome you are, inside and out. Write a list of your positive traits and keep adding to it. Intelligent, creative, there I started for you. 🙂

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  16. lanae

    You are beautiful inside and out right now! I understand the feelings though. You're not alone with those feelings. I believe that As you lose, you'll become more confident and the day will come. Just hang in there!

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  17. SeattleRunnerGirl

    1. You are beautiful and I'm not lying or being patronizing.

    2. As Karen said, hotness is a state of mind more than a way of being, physically.

    3. Ask yourself this – do you look at your friends who are overweight and think, "she could be so pretty if she only lost 70 pounds?" I doubt it. So why do you apply that standard to yourself?

    4. You have to love yourself – ALL of you – before you can really experience what it is like to be loved by someone else. I'm still learning this, but it has profoundly changed my life.

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  18. Dizzy Girl

    Girl I just saw your comment- PLEASE! Don't get me started or this could go on all night. 🙂 Hahaha- Love you to death! xoxoxox

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  19. h e a t h e r

    Let me just say that I do not even know you but by your photos and your words and let me just say I think you are hot NOW!! 🙂

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  20. Brandi.

    I do believe you are beautiful, and no, I'm not just being nice or "feeling sorry for you". But I do also sympathize with how you are feeling. I have a hard time with what I see in the mirror. I have a hard time believing my own husband when he tells me I'm looking good. I have lost 10 pounds so far, and am 20 pounds from where I used to be. And while I remember how I looked and felt 20 poudns ago, I wasn't happy with myself. I have a least 50 pounds {closer to 60} before I "believe" I will feel good about myself. It's hard, it really is.

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  21. Marissa

    the physical change is part of the journey, emotional is the other. I lost majority of my weight back in '01 and I still struggle with self-esteem issues, not feeling pretty…blah blah. My husband tells me how beautiful I am, but it's hard for me to take a compliment AT ALL, from ANYONE. That is hard for me and I work on it daily…

    YOU LOOK GREAT! Love your blog and successful journey 🙂
    We use Nike + too but I have said before, I need to run longer distance and faster…pick it up so I can feel really REALLY good about my workouts outdoors!

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  22. Laurie

    I wish you could believe what WE see. You are so beautiful. Inside and out. But, just talking about superficial here for a moment, your hair is gorgeous, your smile is bright and beautiful, you have beautiful eyes.
    Try to see the positive as you look at what you want to change.
    I have thought you were beautiful since I first saw your picture.

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  23. Lyndsay

    You are gorgeous!! And, of course, in time…you will start to see it too. Even after you reach your goals, there are going to be those days when you look in the mirror & just don't see what the rest of the world sees. But then there are the days you can look in the mirror and realize how beautiful you are 🙂 Hopefully you get more of the latter days and feel confident in how incredible you look

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  24. Alissa (A Journey to Thin)

    I think you are beautiful! But I know what it's like to hear others tell you that and you can't quite believe it yourself. I struggle with this too.

    I say look in the mirror and tell yourself you are gorgeous! 🙂

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  25. P90Xer

    I was overweight growing up and then one year I dieted (prob not in the healthiest way) and worked out religiously. I dropped a lot of weight and was the skinniest/fittest that I will ever be. I didn't feel beautiful. I would almost get upset when people would compliment me b/c I thought they were being patronizing, or were trying to deter me from reaching my goals.

    Years later, gaining back the weight and now losing a lot of it, I've got my priorities straight and a big help was loving myself and accepting myself at the size that I was, the size that I am, and the size that I will be (whether that's bigger or smaller).

    My advice is to believe you are beautiful now! Because it's true. It doesn't have to do with a number on a scale (or a pant size), because if you think that, you will never really believe it. You think the number is beautiful but not yourself.

    Just know that you ARE intrinsically beautiful.

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  26. meg

    Oh Kenz, You are beautiful. Your personality shines through you. Look at the path you have embarked on and the goals you have set, accomplished and passed.
    Everyday the first thing when waking — look in the mirror–before combing hair, brushing teeth, makeup…all that stuff. Look in the mirror and say "I am Beautiful!" Then after each of the steps, look in the mirror and say it again…
    Love ya!

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  27. Melissa E.

    I think hotness is largely a state of mind. On the other hand, self-esteem has a lot to do with it. I was very big through college and early adulthood (nearly 300 lbs.), and my self-esteem was so poor that had I been more svelte, I'm afraid of who I would've become. . . especially around guys.

    I had RNY surgery in 2003, and my self-esteem improved slowly as the weight came off. It's actually taken years for me to recognize myself in store windows and such. A part of me will always see the me that I was. But I feel like I'm a better person for having been heavy, and I think I judge people a heck of a lot less. I wouldn't worry about you feeling pretty. It will come from inside, and then what others say will matter less. I think the way you're feeling is totally normal.

    You know, it wasn't being thought of as "pretty" that felt so good to me. Instead, it was not being noticed at all that I liked, and still do like. I'm about about a size L/XL (when I'm not pregnant), and the normalness still feels good.

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