Healthy Living New York City Reflection Travel

ScaredHopefulWorriedExcitedNervousAnxious

A few nights ago, as I was preparing to do one of my favorite workouts – 30 Day Shred, Joel Osteen (author and pastor of a mega church in Houston) came on and spoke on the mistakes we make by magnifying our problems instead of magnifying God.  I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about how I so clearly believed that God existed and that he cared for me only a few months ago. 

Now I’m staring at my laptop with tears filling my eyes, and I’m not sure where to start.  When something makes me scared or nervous, I tend to run to my blog and pour my heart out as quickly as possible – at least with most things.  But there are times in which I say nothing….times in which I let fear and stress take over my thoughts which allows the challenges I’m facing to become much bigger in my mind.  I do this even though I know that often times, after I state my fears, they don’t seem so big.  

I woke up with a headache yesterday which isn’t common for me.  And it’s certainly not common to wake up feeling bad two days in a row, but I had the same kind of headache today.  And with that headache, I feel pain in my chest.  I’m not panicking over it because I know from experience that my body is feeling physical pain as a result of the stress I’m under now which stems from the fact that I’ll be back in NYC a few days from now (exciting!) and the fact that I lack a solid plan beyond disembarking the plane (scary!)

When my mom called earlier today, I told her about the ache in my chest.  We agreed that my stress level needs to come down, and she was quick to remind me that God has a plan for me so I need not worry so much.  My response, which no doubt bothered Mom was “Yeah, well…I don’t really believe that God is looking out for me, and I’m just being honest about it since He knows anyway, right?”  Well, I can tell you that those words probably hurt Mom more than I know, but she didn’t argue and decided to pray for me instead. 

Fast forward an hour or so.  My friend, Dan, sent me an instant message.  I haven’t seen Dan in almost two years, and it’s been a while since we talked.  And as we were chatting about his career and upcoming wedding, Dan began talking about how God has a plan for our lives.  He talked about God’s timing.  And he said that he’s learning that God has a plan for us, but it’s totally up to us whether we decide to follow it or not.

 This is a pic from the last time I saw Dan – about six months before I began my weight-loss journey. =)

I’ve known Dan for about 7 years, and over the years we have talked extensively about politics, baseball, fitness, the State of Texas and how to recreate his magical Swedish pancakes.  I’ve shown him my favorite parts of Oklahoma, and I even gave him a really crappy tour of NYC before I began losing weight.  That’s a story worth sharing later,  but I cannot remember talking about God with Dan – ever.  It may have come up, but it has never really been a focal point of our conversations.

Looking back at our conversation, I’m starting to believe that Dan’s thoughts were a direct message from God to me.  Dan didn’t know I was stressed.  At that point, all he knew was that I’m heading north.  He didn’t know that I’ve been hesitant to talk about it because it scares me.  Nor did he know that I haven’t spoken much about it here because while I’m blessed with so many supporters, I know that there are 3 or 4 people who read this blog daily just waiting to see me fail. 

So I’m laying it out today.  I’m so excited to be heading back, but I’m also terrified.  I’m going back to secure my new job and search for a tiny apartment (anything with walls and a roof really) that will allow me to rebuild in the only place that has ever really felt like home.

I still have a couple of friends there, but for the most part, I’m starting over at square one.  I have to find an apartment that I can afford, buy new furniture, new shoes, winter coats (thankfully not for months)new dishes, bath towels and everything else that I’m not getting back.  I’ve started to pick things up here and there, but it’s overwhelming to think of everything that needs to be done in the next few months if I’m making New York home again now.

So, to the few who hope I fail and/or believe I don’t deserve to move forward, say what you will.  I censor comments for that reason.  To everyone else, thank you for listening.  Maybe it won’t it won’t be easy, but maybe it’s not impossible either.  And maybe I don’t deserve everything that I hope for, but I’m willing to work for it now.  Maybe God does have a plan that I need to be privy to so if you pray, pray for me today please.  Pray that I’ll know God cares that I’m alive and that He has a plan for me and that He shows me.

Patience has never been my strong suit, and I’ve made mistakes in the past that make it necessary to start from scratch at 30.  I have no idea what will happen when I land in the big apple.  I’m not sure how I’ll feel or where I’ll sleep or what I’ll figure out for the future, but I’m facing these fears.  And that’s all I have to say today.

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36 Comments

  • Reply
    Megan @ Megan Mumbles
    April 6, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Welcome back home girl!! I am sure everything will fall into place..

    I have a short story for you.. About a year ago I was in a bad place. I hated my job, I was miz and I up and quit my job with NOTHING saved, No job nothing.. The next week I got a job I LOVE ( I am still here) and I am financially back on my feet. God had a plan for me and has one for you too!!

    We can always do dinner or something to welcome you 🙂

  • Reply
    rantsofaloser
    April 6, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Kenz, I wish you nothing but happiness and smooth sailing as you head to NYC. That city – as you well know – is so alive, so real. You don't need to know where you'll sleep or how you'll feel or what will happen when you land – the energy of the city will guide you, I totally believe that. It is, by far, my favorite place in this country.

    You don't need my well wishes. I don't technically know you and you don't technically know me (what's that even mean, anyways?), but from what I do know – I am confident you will do great, you will be great. I am thrilled for you and can't wait to hear more.

    Breathe. In and out. Stress is only a suggestion. We're all behind you. 🙂

  • Reply
    Tammy
    April 6, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    Oh, sweetie! I had no idea all of this was going on. I hope that you get some answers, even if they aren't what you expected to hear. I'm sure that all this mention of God is not a coincindence. You are much braver than I am – I'm usually too chicken to drive very far from home, let alone move away to a place where I have nothing. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Also, listen to what the heavens may be telling you!

    <>

  • Reply
    lanae
    April 6, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    You are going to rock NYC! You'll do great, be fine, thrive, embrace and enjoy. As for God, I think he is pushing you, and is with you on this move. Yes of course I'll keep you in my prayers. Remember you are an inspiration, a beautiful person inside and out and you'll succeed like you've not ever imagined if you just set your mind to do so! I am truly happy for you!

  • Reply
    Erin
    April 6, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Great post, Kenz. I had a similar post on my blog about a month ago. God has a plan for you! He knows us better than we know ourselves! When I think about all my fears, I then start to think about him, and he makes EVERYTHING better.

    Real quick…several years ago I was promoted at my job (a huge promotion) and I was excited because I felt like I would be somebody who really mattered in my office. Well, I had been going to school, raising my kid, and working long hours. Just when I thought I couldn't take it any longer, I was laid off. True enough I was sad for about a week and felt like a complete failure, but I have since never been happier. I was able to finish my 2 year degree, stay at home with my child, and begin working towards my teaching degree. I would never have made the decision to leave my job, especially as a single mother, but God knew that was not where I was supposed to be. So to you, my friend, I say kick back and enjoy your journey!

  • Reply
    *Whitney*
    April 6, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Your post was exactly what I needed to hear today. I've been struggling with some personal things lately and today it partially came to a head. I felt like you and that God didn't completely care and was just letting me go. I know that He has a plan for me (and for you). We just have to move out of the way of ourselves and let Him work. It's so much easier said than done, I know. But His plan is so much greater than ours. I'll definitely keep you in my prayers! 🙂

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    April 6, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Well–that's quite a lot to say, I'd say.

    First, God did speak to you thru Dan as he echoed your mother's words.

    We rarely have a clear blueprint for the plan that God has for us. We have yearnings, leadings, feeling like we need to do some things. And then situations, circumstances, people's words, oppportunities, closed doors…dovetail together and all of a sudden–one day–we look up and say, "Oh! This was what all of that was leading to. Right here, right now–this is where I was heading. It's all so clear…now."

    We'd like something a little more concrete and up front, but that's not faith, is it? And, besides, if God told us up front where we would be in five years, we'd seriously panic because we wouldn't be able to se how it could happen. And we'd make ourselves nuts trying to make it happen. And we'd mess it up.

    Ok. Now. NYC. I can see how that would be allof the things you just described. Totally.

    As far as needing new stuff… Has all of the stuff you left behind been given away or disposed of in some way? There's nothing that you could pick up and have moved once you're physically in NYC? Are you sure?

    As far as where to live… Well. You do have friends there. Can't someone scout something out for you? That's kind of a fun activity when you're doing it for someone else. Make a phone call to your friends in NYC, Kenz. See what they can do.

    If you can't bring yourself to do that, get call a reputable real estate agency there and have them look for you. (NYC may have other agencies that do that–here in PA it's real estate agencies.) If you don't know a trustworthy place, and you don't want to ask a friend, call your employer and ask if someone there could give you a referral. Most employers can do that.

    Of course, there's always the classified ads. Look on-line. You may find an agency that has apartments that can help you.

    OK. Sorry about all of the advice. I can't help myself.

    Whether or not any of my suggestions are helpful, I know you will land on yor feet. Just stare it down, now is no time to blink.

    Deb

  • Reply
    Princess Dieter
    April 6, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    The God of the Bible I believe in always has a good plan for every one of His Children's lives. The plan may not LOOK like what we ideally want, sometimes–who wants to be a martyr, really?–but in general, I believe when it says that His plan is to prosper and bless us (and prosper isn't always about moolah, but could be about love and joy and other things). God wants us to follow good dreams and create rich lives. He wants us able to work and help others (or if we can't work, accept help from others until we can help back.)

    I believe in amazing things for you. Great friends, great doors opening, great joys–maybe also great heartaches, but we can grow from thoes,too.

    God is not a monster. Just talk to Him and let your mutual desires speak and the plan unfold.

    He'll bless ya big!

  • Reply
    Roz
    April 6, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    What a lovely, heartfelt post!!!! NO doubt you are nervous, you are making a BIG BIG life change, but change is good, and you're going to SOAR in NYC!!!!! I look forward to reading about your successes!!!! Take care of yourself.

  • Reply
    Heidi
    April 6, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    The truth is that there are always people out there who are waiting for us to fail. I am certain I have some blog-followers who feel the same way about me. I think the important thing is to live your life and make your decisions without regard to them, which you did today. Good for you.

    I have found that the biggest changes in my life (the hop-across-country-with-no-plan, the get-fired-during-bad-economy, the try-this-thing-you-don't-know-will-work types of things) have been the most rewarding.

    You will kick New York's ass.

  • Reply
    Denise
    April 6, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    OH MY GOODNESS!! I'm so excited for you! Can't wait to live vicariously through you and all of your wonderful "single hot girl in the city" adventures!!! PLEASE know that you WILL succeed!

  • Reply
    SeattleRunnerGirl
    April 6, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    Kenz, I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. I don't have a lot of answers, but one thing I DO know is that God loves each and every one of us. You are here for a reason, and I look forward to watching you learn that reason as your life unfolds – in NYC or elsewhere!

  • Reply
    simplify411
    April 6, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    I've only got two things…

    First – it's so hard for me to imagine you receiving negative comments and shame on those who take the time to bother with such thing. They, indeed, need to get a life.

    Second – having been married now fourteen years and stuck in the proverbial rut the idea of getting off a plane and hitting the resent button sounds positively glorious, exciting and wonderful. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    April 6, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    Love you and love your post. You are going to rock the city! Have fun and your apartment will be you,size of the apartment doesn't matter! Great luck to you!

  • Reply
    Kendra
    April 6, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    I'm praying for you Kenz. God has a plan for you. It might not be something that you ever imagined for yourself, but He has a plan.

    Jeremiah 29:11

  • Reply
    Steelers6
    April 7, 2011 at 12:17 am

    Hi, love, thanks for sharing this. I thought it was neat the same message came through from Mom (Hi Mom/Joan!) & Dan. Especially given the details with Dan. (haven't talked for so long, instant message, a very atypical topic, etc!..) Seems kind of like a hug from God. One that says; "I love you Kenz, you are the apple of my eye".

    Some notes from a recent church service, incase they are helpful to you:

    Ways to know if a 'whisper' is from God –

    -Does it sound like something God would tell me?
    -Is it consistent with scripture?
    -Is it wise?
    -Does it fit my personality?
    -What do people I respect think of it? [look for confirmation from those you respect, be open to Godly counsel. Sometimes whispers from God come from other ppl.]

    I also noted, "God cares about every detail all the time; we need to let him in."

    Proverbs 3:5-6 Message –
    "Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don't try to figure out everything on your own.
    Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he's the one who will keep you on track."

    Hugs to you, dear. Know that I am praying for you tonight.
    Chrissy

  • Reply
    Sarita
    April 7, 2011 at 12:45 am

    Hi, Kenz!
    I read your post and these verses popped into my head. I think they're meant for you!

    Jeremiah 29:11-13

    11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

  • Reply
    Brittany
    April 7, 2011 at 12:53 am

    Kenz- just reading your post today brought tears to my eyes. It always amazes me how God does show us the way when we need him the most! Like the daily devotional I found when I was so lacking motivation to lose weight. and now, when you're hurting and feeling lost, He found a way to show you through Dan that he loves and cares for you! He is always thinking of us, but it can be hard to remember that at times. I am praying for you girl, and KNOW that God has a great plan for your life!! You have already helped so many people, I can't wait to see what this new chapter in your life brings!

  • Reply
    Kelly
    April 7, 2011 at 1:26 am

    I can't imagine anyone wishing someone ill. Listen, with your creativity, I know you could make any place awesome. Of course you can do this, you know you can do this because you've done it before. & I'm never more than a phone call away.

  • Reply
    Deb
    April 7, 2011 at 1:29 am

    Please pay me a visit @ Jeremiah 29:11-13…just like the previous commenter said…He does have a plan for all of us….we just have to pray to Him…and seek Him with all our heart…and HE will answer our prayer!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are so precious to all of us, but more importantly to HIM!!!

  • Reply
    Brittany
    April 7, 2011 at 1:29 am

    I know that God has a plan for you, and that everything happens for a reason! AND I LOVE YOU PRETTY GIRL!!!! It will work out, and things will happen! I'm so excited for you, and for NYC! I can't wait to come visit 🙂

  • Reply
    Jeannee
    April 7, 2011 at 1:31 am

    For a Jersey Girl in exile out here … who believes in God, but hasn't too actively talked to Him … who desperately wants to move back home… I don't even know if I can find the words to thank you for this post!!!!!!! Best of success moving back HOME!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply
    safire
    April 7, 2011 at 2:13 am

    I'll be going to NYC the end of the month to see my sister. I love the city!

    I hope you find courage and happiness!

  • Reply
    Absolutely, Positively Josie
    April 7, 2011 at 2:43 am

    My prayer for you (and us all) is that God turns your eyes to Him. Life is a vale of tears. Contend for your faith, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. God knows the number of hairs on your head. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ!

  • Reply
    Megan Harmeyer
    April 7, 2011 at 3:08 am

    How can anybody be waiting for you to fail? It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and you'll land on your feet. I just started really living my life at 30 and really, 30 isn't old. You have so much experience to build on. Take it and run with it! Good luck on your trip. I have a feeling you'll find what you're looking for.

  • Reply
    Zepherine
    April 7, 2011 at 3:57 am

    I'll be praying for you. I'm glad you are going home.

  • Reply
    Caroline
    April 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    I just came across your blog this morning. I found it to be refreshing, honest and vulnerable. You are truly and inspiration. I plan to keep reading and hopefully start to shed those extra pounds myself.

    Caroline
    http://www.beauty-full.net

  • Reply
    This Old Woman Says What?
    April 7, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    You're definitely in my prayers, Kenz… I know how scary it is. Believe me when I tell you that God is right beside you. He's carrying so much of the burden for you that you don't yet realize it. Almost 15 years ago I sold all my belongings, packed up 6 suitcases and 2 kids, and bought greyhound bus tickets. I traveled over 3000 miles, from Alberta Canada to Dickson Tennesee to start a new life. It took 4 days and 8 buses. You talk about scared sh*tless when we stepped off that bus. I was 38 years old. God was with me every step of the way… I knew that, and that's what kept me going.

  • Reply
    Angela
    April 7, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Kenz –

    I am a faithful reader of your blog and want you to know how PROUD and happy I am for you to make this move! I can sense from you past postings New York is where your heart has always been. You are an amazing, strong, young woman and I know there are GREAT things in store for you!

    God Bless and Good Luck on the move!

  • Reply
    Cindy
    April 7, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    For me I don't feel like God has a plan, but there's always a heck of a lot options and it's up to me figure out which one would be the best. It would be nice if I thought he DID have a plan – maybe I'd feel more comforted. But he did give me a brain to figure things out and go with my gut feeling and my head and heart. Seems like more often than not I still choose the WRONG option, but it's getting better as I get older! 😉

  • Reply
    Melissa
    April 7, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    I truly do believe that God has a plan for everyone. Keep your eyes and heart open to His leading and He'll show you where He wants you to be. Good luck with everything 🙂

  • Reply
    Michelle @ Those Last 75 Pounds
    April 7, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    I wish you all the best! However, for myself, especially over the last few years, I feel that God's answer for me is always no. And over the last week especially. I posted about my frustrations but I don't think people really know how to comment on a blog that really should be titled "Woes of a Spinster". Hahahaha!

  • Reply
    Ann
    April 8, 2011 at 2:02 am

    Thanks for sharing that!!! You are ALWAYS walking through your fears – constantly – you are soo much stronger and wiser than you give yourself credit for!!! Thanks for the contiunued inspiration you are to me!!! You are in my prayers but I also know, with a doubt, that you are right in the palm of God's hand and CANNOT fail – you are always right where you are supposed to be (even when we percieve it as a failure)

  • Reply
    Maria_NJ
    April 8, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Kenz you are going to LOVE NYC!! I go into the city about once a month, it is so exciting and you are going to fall in love with the best city in the world…good luck..

  • Reply
    ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥
    April 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Maria, I'm already in love with New York. I've actually lived there since 2007 with a short hiatus in the last few months. And I firmly agree – it's the best city in the world. =)

  • Reply
    Laurie
    April 10, 2011 at 1:47 am

    I may have missed some important info in your life, but it breaks my heart that someone wants to see you fail. How disgusting. You are one of the kindest people I have seen, online or in person. Yuck to them!
    I am so excited for you….you are going to just kick butt, I feel it.

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