I feel like a complete and utter failure right now. Most of my posts are filled with a bright side, but right now need to face my truth.
I’ve only had two solid workouts in the last week. I have eaten crap and too much of it. I feel bloated, lazy and exhausted. I’m not sure if I’m fighting feelings of stress and uncertainty or just lethargy. Regardless, it does not feel good, and it needs to change – NOW!
I made some lofty goals for the month of May, and I didn’t achieve most of them. I would be proud of myself anyway if I had done my best, but I didn’t do my best – not even close. And again, I have to face the harsh reality that I have wasted time that I cannot get back.
These were my goals:
- Complete at least 1,000 minutes of cardio – a piece of cake when I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing…(I’ll accomplish this one today…)
- Complete at least 10 5k’s – I’m pretty sure I did this in March and maybe other months, but now I plan to document it. I completed my first one today. Only 9 more to go!
- Lose at least 8 pounds – I can and should be losing at least 8 pounds per month…period.
- Do 101 crunches everyday – I’m going to start again after falling out of my groove.
Um, I could make excuses, but they’d be just that – excuses. I worked out hard several times in the last four weeks, but I didn’t do nearly as much as I should have. My travels were intense and unexpected for half of the month, but I worked out with Richard and friends a couple times. Kent and I went for a hike at Griffith park one afternoon and walked around San Francisco for a while another afternoon. I also rocked the elliptical at Fitbloggin’ while Emmie joked that she might have to come tear me away to join the impromptu pool party that I enjoyed post workout.
I did some good things for my body this month, but I also did some things that are not so good. I downed a few bottles of champagne (though not all at once.) I ate trail mix like I wasn’t popping 10 P+ at a time, and I ate a burger after midnight one two different nights – one with onion rings and one with a milkshake (which might have been okay without all of the other garbage I indulged in all month.)
I’ve been under pressure lately though it seemed to ease a bit over the weekend. I’m not sleeping well at night so I’m constantly tired. My mind is screaming at me to give in and be lazy while my body is craving purposeful movement. I’m fighting inner demons that tell me I’m a failure…that I haven’t done enough, and that I’m not really going to reach my goal.
Hey, inner demons…F*** you! You are not going to win! You will not convince me to give up or make me believe, as I once did, that I’m not worth the effort it takes to accomplish these life-changing goals. Fear will no longer rule my thoughts or rob me of rest. And the heartless, faceless jerks who hide behind their computer screens will not convince me that they’re right about me. I admit that I’ve been overwhelmed and tired and uncertain, but I will not give up. I will not back down. I will do what I need to do today.
When I started writing this post, my friend, Britt, suggested that I go back and read a post that I wrote earlier this month. And something I said at the end spoke to me. I wrote, “I can tell you that by starting and not giving up, we’re better today than we were yesterday.” My actions over the last month matter, and i regret not doing more. But they don’t matter as much as what I will do today. I have the opportunity to start making positive choices for myself – choices that make me much happier than a burger ever could, so I’m going to go for it,
I know this is true, and I know what it takes to turn these feelings of self-doubt around. I know how good I’ll feel after a few days of mindful eating and heart-pumping workouts. And I know that forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made is an important part of this process, and it’s really my only option.
I’m moving forward right now. I hit the restart button in my brain today, and tomorrow is going to be better than yesterday because I’m going to make it that way.