Failure, Self-Doubt and a Side of Onion Rings

I feel like a complete and utter failure right now.  Most of my posts are filled with a bright side, but right now need to face my truth.

I’ve only had two solid workouts in the last week.  I have eaten crap and too much of it.  I feel bloated, lazy and exhausted.  I’m not sure if I’m fighting feelings of stress and uncertainty or just lethargy.  Regardless, it does not feel good, and it needs to change – NOW!

I made some lofty goals for the month of May, and I didn’t achieve most of them.  I would be proud of myself anyway if I had done my best, but I didn’t do my best – not even close.  And again, I have to face the harsh reality that I have wasted time that I cannot get back.

These were my goals:

  • Complete at least 1,000 minutes of cardio – a piece of cake when I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing…(I’ll accomplish this one today…)
  • Complete at least 10 5k’s – I’m pretty sure I did this in March and maybe other months, but now I plan to document it.  I completed my first one today.  Only 9 more to go!
  • Lose at least 8 pounds – I can and should be losing at least 8 pounds per month…period.
  • Do 101 crunches everyday – I’m going to start again after falling out of my groove.

Um, I could make excuses, but they’d be just that – excuses.  I worked out hard several times in the last four weeks, but I didn’t do nearly as much as I should have.  My travels were intense and unexpected for half of the month,  but I worked out with Richard and friends a couple times.  Kent and I went for a hike at Griffith park one afternoon and walked around San Francisco for a while another afternoon.  I also rocked the elliptical at Fitbloggin’ while Emmie joked that she might have to come tear me away to join the impromptu pool party that I enjoyed post workout. 

I did some good things for my body this month, but I also did some things that are not so good.  I downed a few bottles of champagne (though not all at once.)  I ate trail mix like I wasn’t popping 10 P+ at a time, and I ate a burger after midnight one two different nights – one with onion rings and one with a milkshake (which might have been okay without all of the other garbage I indulged in all month.) 

I’ve been under pressure lately though it seemed to ease a bit over the weekend.  I’m not sleeping well at night so I’m constantly tired.  My mind is screaming at me to give in and be lazy while my body is craving purposeful movement.  I’m fighting inner demons that tell me I’m a failure…that I haven’t done enough, and that I’m not really going to reach my goal.

Hey, inner demons…F*** you!  You are not going to win!  You will not convince me to give up or make me believe, as I once did, that I’m not worth the effort it takes to accomplish these life-changing goals.   Fear will no longer rule my thoughts or rob me of rest.  And the heartless, faceless jerks who hide behind their computer screens will not convince me that they’re right about me.  I admit that I’ve been overwhelmed and tired and uncertain, but I will not give up.  I will not back down.  I will do what I need to do today.

When I started writing this post, my friend, Britt, suggested that I go back and read a post that I wrote earlier this month.  And something I said at the end spoke to me.  I wrote,I can tell you that by starting and not giving up, we’re better today than we were yesterday.”  My actions over the last month matter, and i regret not doing more.  But they don’t matter as much as what I will do today.  I have the opportunity to start making positive choices for myself – choices that make me much happier than a burger ever could, so I’m going to go for it,

I know this is true, and I know what it takes to turn these feelings of self-doubt around.  I know how good I’ll feel after a few days of mindful eating and heart-pumping workouts.  And I know that forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made is an important part of this process, and it’s really my only option. 


I’m moving forward right now.  I hit the restart button in my brain today, and tomorrow is going to be better than yesterday because I’m going to make it that way.

You Might Also Like

33 Comments

  • Reply
    Jill
    May 31, 2011 at 5:17 am

    Every day is an opportunity to start over. You CAN do it and you have the right attitude. On an unrelated note, the other day while shopping I was walking past one store where they had this beautiful blue dress in the window and "that would look great on Kenz" popped into my head. Which I realize sounds kinda crazy-blog stalker-ish, but at the same time goes to show how much a part of people's lives you've become (I'm sure not just mine!) Have a great week! 🙂

    0
  • Reply
    Ashley
    May 31, 2011 at 5:21 am

    Very inspiring!

    0
  • Reply
    ♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥
    May 31, 2011 at 5:35 am

    OMG Jill! Where's the dress? Show me?! I think that's awesome and totally flattering! =0)

    I'm happy to say that Monday was so much better! I'm glad I vented and reset. =)

    0
  • Reply
    marisol
    May 31, 2011 at 6:52 am

    I know exactly how you are feeling & it's a sucky way to feel. The past couple of weeks I've sucked with my weight loss journey & I could blame the stress of being unemployed on my failures and binges but I need to take responsibility for my actions. Just like I reward myself when I do well, I need to hold myself accountable when I don't do well.

    June is a new month (and the best since it's my birthday month) so I plan on spending quite a bit of time tomorrow setting some goals for this month. Gotta take it one step, bite, decision at a time.

    0
  • Reply
    MizFit
    May 31, 2011 at 9:49 am

    It's a new day, Sister and while trite in a way I WHOLLY BELIEVE we are always as close to our goals as out next choice.

    xo

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    May 31, 2011 at 10:32 am

    OMG I totally sucked this month. Too much crap food and I hurt my ankle which means only 2 workouts last week. I am taking my gym stuff today and will work out on lunch. Gotta lose what I gained. Blah!
    Kristi from Loving and Living in Tx

    0
  • Reply
    Kelly
    May 31, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Just keep going. Don't ever give up.

    0
  • Reply
    PJ Geek
    May 31, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Starting over mindset is good. Good for you. You have been in a state of flux . With a big move happening , you mentioned buying a car , etc etc….you are under big time stress. Maybe when you make your June goals keep some of that in mind too.

    0
  • Reply
    Jane Cartelli
    May 31, 2011 at 11:59 am

    It is all one day at a time. If we try and fail we are still in a better place then if we did not try at all.

    For myself, when I say "I will do X this month" a part of my brain thinks I can do X on day 30 and it will still be okay. As you know, it does not work. Today I plan a day at a time and recognize that trying to make the compulsive eater in me follow my recovery goals 30 days at a time is setting myself up for disappointment.

    I really related with you on the late eating. I ate late three times this week (NOT the norm for me) and even though it was healthy, measured food, I can feel it making a difference in my body. Today I am committed to eating on time.

    Jane~
    Keepingthepoundsoff.com

    0
  • Reply
    Donna
    May 31, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    As it says in the song "You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again." BUT it isn't starting all over again for you .. you have already come an such incredibly long way! Just an aside .. you have a marvelous smile!

    0
  • Reply
    KCLAnderson (Karen)
    May 31, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    I adore this post. Not because you felt like a complete failure, but because you expressed it. You acknowledged it. You let it out! There is NOTHING more powerful than that! Lately I've realized just how uncomfortable it makes others when we express so-called negative feelings…we ALL feel like failures sometimes…it's part of the process. So I am not going to try and talk you out of feeling this way, but rather I applaud you!

    0
  • Reply
    Michelle
    May 31, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Just keep moving on. That's what I'm doing after a birthday weekend full of terrible eating and little working out

    0
  • Reply
    Julie
    May 31, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    thank you for this. i needed this too. here's to hoping june is successful for both of us!

    0
  • Reply
    Caron
    May 31, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    I have a fortune cookie fortune that I love. They don't really seem like fortunes to me. They're more just sayings but it says "You'll accomplish more if you start now." Simple and to the point. I like it! Sending encouragement your way! 🙂

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    May 31, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    You have inspired me!!! Keep up the good work.

    0
  • Reply
    Dr. Kathy McCoy
    May 31, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    I know the feeling well! Been there, done that. I guess the key is to not beat yourself up and feel even worse or to make goals too hard to keep. What I do — and imagine that you do, too — is to make decisions on a daily basis to eat healthy meals and exercise and it all adds up. You've done so wonderfully. Don't let this backslide discourage you! It's a new day and a new opportunity to do good things for yourself.

    0
  • Reply
    Tai
    May 31, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    I feel where you're coming from. Believe me, I've been there. I find that baby steps is the best way to get back on track. You're not going to make it all up at once. Having said that, there IS one super salve I have used when I've overeaten, overindulged, or otherwise just overdone it: a 1-time HUGE cardio workout. Nothing ridiculous that's going to land me in the hospital or something, but just a good old sweaty workout. No weights, no yoga, just sweat. I find that it really "re-sets" me, even if it doesn't have a huge weight loss result. I'm more prone to eat healthier afterwards, and it otherwise improves my outlook on life.

    0
  • Reply
    Jenn
    May 31, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    I too understand how you are feeling right now. I'm going to talk about this very thing today (when I actually have time to sit and write) on my blog.
    I always think about the time "lost" when I've "failed". If we stop that behavior now and look to today, we won't have those regrets in the future.

    No matter though, you are doing great! You're a true inspiration and a little bump in the road isn't going to stop you from achieving your goals!

    0
  • Reply
    Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness
    May 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Keep your head up girl you will get through this stronger and wiser! We all have our "fall flat on our faces" moments but it's huge when you can realize your failures and realize why you failed and commit to changing them. Best of luck to you!

    0
  • Reply
    A Fat Girl's Perspective
    May 31, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    I earned about 40 points of exercise this week, but managed to eat through daily and my weekly points and about 5 exercise points. Which led to a .4 gain this week after a 2lb gain last week. I'm only 1 month into the program and I usually do so well in the first few months b/c its new again and I'm putting in the effort and not slacking. What has changed, Idk. Its so easy to self loath at this point, but its so much harder to take a deep breath and re-set your mind to positive. I decided to change my weigh in day according to my consumption of food. Tuesday wasn't working. i was eating weekly points all week and not having anything to help with weekend indulgences. Its easier to eat better during the week b/c I don't have access to food at work. This is the change I made after I re-set my mind. It gives me something to look forward to. Good Luck!!! You've done more than I've ever done. 30lbs is my nemesis.

    0
  • Reply
    keepitupdavid
    May 31, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Mmmm…. onion rings….

    0
  • Reply
    BrookeNotOnADiet
    May 31, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    You are amazing. I love how honest you are.

    I too have done crappy the last month and am now back on track. I've tracked everything the last two days. And I worked out today. I'm going to continue this just as you are.

    We can do it Kenz! And don't forget, I'm just a text away if you need me! 🙂

    HEART YOU!!

    0
  • Reply
    Alison
    May 31, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Hi there – I've been following your blog for a few weeks (found the link on Boston.com after the airline incident). You're totally inspiring – please know that! I think you're doing a fabulous job making life changes inside and out (I realize I don't know you, but still). Sending lots of good wishes.

    0
  • Reply
    Roz @ weightingfor50
    May 31, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Way to keep moving forward Kenz!

    0
  • Reply
    DesertNails8
    May 31, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    I'm making changes a bit at a time (meaning I have good habits and not so good habits and slip into bad habits at times). Feeling bloated has been feedback for me to choose different foods just because I hate that stupid bloating! And yet I have often not eaten right and then get that bloating back.

    So I am learning as time goes on and am making better choices bit by bit and there are many decision points throughout the day for me.

    And I commend you on making continuous improvements and listening to your body's feedback!! Thank you for sharing the challenges along with the successes.

    0
  • Reply
    Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia
    May 31, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    I am so glad that you are keeping it real for us and telling us when you are not doing so great. The same has happened to me lately and I felt like giving up, but I said what I did does not matter as much to make me stop. I ate well today, so far, exercise and had fruit too! Thank you, because I know I CAN and will do it, you are my inspiration.

    0
  • Reply
    woobielou
    May 31, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    wow – this sounds like exactly the place I find myself in after the last month. I could have written this post almost word for word… in fact the last two posts on my own blog echo this one. Good for you – holding yourself accountable and being honest – it can be the hardest part of getting back on track and making forward progress. Sending you lots of positive vibes and support!

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    May 31, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    Well because of your experience with Southwest with your mother and your suggestions of how to start dieting Weight Watchers and 5kin100days. Yesterday I did my first workout in over 5 years. Baby steps I tell myself, tell those inner demons to get out of Dodge. Pull yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward.

    0
  • Reply
    irishgalinabq
    May 31, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    Yet again you are a great inspiration. You are on a real journey and of course you are not going to be perfect all the time. But it is sharing this kind of thing that shows us that if we go off our programs we can get "back on the horse" and continue. And that we should not give up until we reach our goal!

    0
  • Reply
    Anonymous
    June 1, 2011 at 12:22 am

    i am always amazed, knowing how kenz got to her starting point and no matter how many times she has faltered she has the courage and honesty with herself, to admit her "short comings" and continues the journey. it is a life journey and what thrills me is that she is not doing this alone. thanks to all of you who, by your kindness and encouragement are a part of her journey. in so doing, she becomes a part of your journeys as well. as her father i could not be more proud.

    0
  • Reply
    Steph
    June 1, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Kenz, you continue to be an inspiration. Not because you are perfect and never have setbacks, but because you are REAL like the rest of us. We all fall off the wagon, but like you said it is important to realize it, pick ourselves back up and move forward.

    I love your outlook on life and how you always take responsibility for your actions. We're here to support you, so go for it! 🙂

    0
  • Reply
    ramblingreader
    June 1, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    I LOVE your honesty and courage. Thank God we can always have a reset-it's just a matter of doing it! You got this girl!!

    0
  • Reply
    Melissa
    June 2, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    It doesn't matter what time of day you eat. A calorie is a calorie. But it reminded me of a cute phrase:

    WEAD – Why Eat After Dinner?

    0
  • Leave a Reply

    %d bloggers like this: