I’ve noticed something about myself in the last few days that has, no doubt, been building for a while, and it’s really bothering me. Since the Southwest flight, I’ve begun to recognize that I don’t like myself very much right now. I’m proud of my accomplishments, but they don’t feel like nearly enough in light of the fact that I’m still so overweight.
A local New Orleans news station caught up with me at Mom’s neighbor’s house yesterday to discuss my experience with Southwest last week which will air this evening. When I was approached a few nights ago about sharing the story, my mother and I agreed that we should just move on, but I spoke to the reporter anyway making it clear that I’d like to send a message to those who struggle with similar issues.
My goal in sharing my story was clear – to remind other people facing discrimination due to size that it is absolutely okay to stand up for yourself. Regardless of size, we all deserve to be treated with respect. And, now it seems that I have to convince myself, once again, that I am worth fighting for.
In my head, it seems like maybe I’ve been fooling myself into believing that I’ve changed. My ultimate goal is closer than it’s ever been, but it feels further away than ever. My latest flight experience was an unmistakably stark realization that the world still sees me as nothing more than a fat girl. The changes I’ve made didn’t matter at all last week, and I’m fighting within myself to believe they matter now…
I’m an intelligent, talented, friendly person who has some major issues with my body image, but I haven’t give up. And I won’t. That has never been an option for me. And I have to recognize that my efforts are enough – today. I can’t change the minds of those who are content in only seeing what’s on the outside; all I can do is continue to work on changing myself on the inside and the outside – hoping that one day the outside reflects what’s inside.
I can’t change the past, and continually punishing myself for old transgressions won’t make the regret disappear nor will it make my future betterso I’m going to continue chipping away at the future until I’ve whittled it into what I want it to be. I’m still not precisely sure what that means, but I’m going to keep working on figuring it out.