Dating, Err, Not

I’m the girl who always has a boyfriend. Correction, I used to be the girl who always had a boyfriend. And the list of guys from former relationships is (mostly) good. With exception of one or two, I’ve always dated guys who were good marriage material though I’ve never married. And in some ways, I think dating guys that society deemed “a good catch” proved that I was a good catch in spite of the 200+ pounds of excess weight that I carried on my body.

Now, after losing about 130 pounds and counting, I find myself completely dateless with no particular prospects. I’ve only been on one date since December! One date! The guy was tall and handsome and nice, but he couldn’t name the vice president of the United States, and he thought I was weird for being surprised by that.

I’d love to tell you that it’s a liberating feeling – being alone, moving across the country (next month) though the truth is that it’s lonely. And it has forced me to recognize how much I’ve based my self-worth on being in relationships in the past.

Last year, after a serious breakup, I dated several guys in close succession. And while I thought that it was a good idea, I realized later that I was putting way too much pressure on myself to find love. Now, six months and one date later, I’m fighting off this feeling that maybe I’ve lost my chances. Maybe love will never find me. Or maybe (hopefully) it will…..?

I have come a long way on my weight-loss journey, but I have a long way to go. And I am starting to realize that this self-induced pressure to find my soul mate while I’m still heavier than average is understandable – yet silly. Maybe I won’t meet Mr. Right until I’m less than 150 pounds. Or maybe I’ll meet him tomorrow. Maybe I’ve met him, and I don’t know it yet.  Or maybe I’ll meet him when I settle into my new home on the other coast. (That seems logical, doesn’t it?)

Maybe the man who loves me will never know me as an overweight person. I’ve believe, for a long time, that he should, but  my Curvy Nerd friend made an excellent point earlier this week when she said “at this point, I have to do it for me and hope that whomever I meet will understand my past.”  Maybe the same will be true for me.  I’ve separated my self-worth and my my (lack of) dating life so I guess we’ll find out in time.

This journey is definitely about me.  And what’s most important right now, for me, is to recognize my value regardless. I know that I have faults, but I’m also starting to believe that I’m loveable. And I would guess that I have to know that – and really believe it – before I can find true love with someone else.  At least, that’s what the smart people say. 😉

So I’ll continue down my road to self-love, forgiveness and acceptance and hope that somewhere along the way the right person will join me.  Until then, I’ll continue to look forward to the future while appreciating the present.

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47 Comments

  • Reply
    Patty (135 by 2012)
    June 22, 2011 at 12:45 am

    I was the opposite. I never dated, thus never had a real boyfriend until I was close to 30 years old. I was truly starting to think it would never happen then one year, something changed. I changed. I became more confident, and put myself out there. I was the heaviest I had ever been when I met my now husband.

    I am a strong believer in fate. For some reason the dating gods have you in a holding pattern right now. Take this time to be selfish and take good care of yourself. Love comes when it is supposed to and I am positive it will return to you.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:33 pm

      Nicely put..I don’t mind being in a holding pattern..Thank you for that perspective..

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  • Reply
    Alyssa
    June 22, 2011 at 1:15 am

    You have such a great attitude! Always so optimistic – it’s inspiring to me when I’m a big crab and am always thinking WHY AM I FAT OH GOD WHY CAN’T I JUST BE SKINNY!
    I hope that California does have your dream man here because then we can sing cheesy songs about california dreamin’ coming true! 🙂 There are lots of hotties here of all varieties. It will be fun – and your smiley, contagious attitude and that megawatt smile is gonna hook ’em left and right.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:32 pm

      Can we sing silly songs anyway? And often? Please? =)

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  • Reply
    Nina Patricia
    June 22, 2011 at 1:32 am

    I think we all have gone thru that, so do not fret by thinking it would never happened to you. My Hubs and I dated when I was a teenager and we reconnected 12 yrs later. You never know what life has in store for you, just keep being the lovely woman you are and thinking about whats best for you. The weight thing? I was much thinner back then and he didnt care one bit about that and I bet your guy wont either.

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  • Reply
    Jen
    June 22, 2011 at 5:45 am

    I think a huge factor in finding the right guy is taking the pressue off of yourself… When you become dead set on finding this person you find yourself dating and dating and at times convincing yourself that a person who isn’t right for you is ‘the one’.
    I came out of a long term relationship a little over two years ago and in other people’s opinion I should have started dating right away… I didn’t – I didn’t want to. I took a few months to myself and then gradually began dating but without any pressure. Once I found peace in myself I realised I was ok alone, and happy surprisingly. I realised that I’d rather be alone and happy rather than faking the happy with the wrong person. It was after realising this I met ‘the one’! : ) It was one of my best friends that had been in my life for a few years but in all the pressure and stress I put on myself I never even realised it.
    I think to truly be happy with someone else you need to be happy with yourself and hopefull your move will help facilitate that. You’re a rock star and it WILL happen! : )

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  • Reply
    Kelly, Future Thin Girl
    June 22, 2011 at 7:20 am

    So you’re not in a relationship right now and haven’t had a date in a while. Is that the worst thing that can happen? It’ll happen when you least expect it to. And if it doesn’t happen, is it the end of the world? I don’t think so. There’s still a lot of life to live ahead for you Kenlie.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:34 pm

      I don’t care about finding love today Kelly, but yeah..a few dates would be nice. Ha. I think I’ll call you and alaborate..of course, you know me..

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  • Reply
    Michelle @ The Running Jewess
    June 22, 2011 at 7:49 am

    This is one thing that I’ve always had an issue with, basing my self worth on relationships and male attention. For some reason I’m happiest when there is a man flattering me (even if I’m not interested), but I know this habit needs to stop. Hopefully making major life changes will put things into perspective (for the both of us). And who knows, California might supply us with the men of our dreams.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:36 pm

      Yeah! I was talking about that with someone over the weekend – the basing your self worth on others’ perspectives of you thing. And I’m getting better with that, but I spent the second half of last year dating guys (most of whom were awesome) because it made me feel good about my dating life..

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  • Reply
    MrsFatass
    June 22, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Before I write this, go grab a tomato because you’ll want to throw it at me.

    Got it? Good. HEre goes.

    It will happen when you least expect it.

    I know! Cliche and stupid. But true. I see it over and over. You have so much on your plate right now, that maybe the universe is just giving you some time to handle some of it. Then BLAM, you’ll look up and have dates again.

    And I giggled at Mr. Whose the Veep for like 5 minutes.

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  • Reply
    Sarah
    June 22, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Wow…didn’t know who the VP was. I would have been shocked too, but I teach Social Studies and I probably would have started a lesson on the Pres and VP right there!

    Don’t worry…I’ve been dateless for a while. I’m starting to wonder what I’m doing wrong! However, the guys I meet are way worse than your VP guy. I can’t even write some of the things that guys say to me because they are that awful!

    Sarah
    notaneffingdiet.blogspot.com

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:37 pm

      I did try to start a lesson! He thought I was so weird for wanting him to know that! What’s worse is that he knew the president’s middle name…that speaks volumes, does it not?

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      • Reply
        Sarah
        June 25, 2011 at 2:48 pm

        What a weirdo. I feel like that information should be common knowledge. You’re better off without that guy!!!

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  • Reply
    Gail @ Shrinking Sisters
    June 22, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Kenlie, you know my story. I did exactly the same thing you’re doing when I was 29 and by 30 I was engaged — like, boom!

    The fact that you’re unattached now just makes it easier to follow your dream, and who knows what (or who) is waiting for you.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:38 pm

      Yep! I do Gail..I remember how much hope it gave me as we walked around the harbor in Baltimore. =)

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    June 22, 2011 at 9:27 am

    I had a friend in high school who wouldn’t go to school events unless she had a date. The rest of us went in a group, but she felt she had to have a boyfriend. I swear, she showed up to one dance with someone she worked with and he looked to be about 12! I’d rather be with girlfriends than just some guy because he was a guy! I never dated much, and I think it was because I was considered one of the “smart ones”. I had a crush on a guy in high school, but I overheard him say that he just couldn’t date a girl who was smarter than he was. Well, guess what? I just told myself that was his loss. I married fairly young (22), and my DH says that he loved my eyes first and my brains next (he was a teacher then). Yay! Now, I’m heavier than when we met, but he is glad to have me on his trivia team!!! Just enjoy all the adventures you have coming your way! Like the others said, it will happen when it is supposed to happen!

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:39 pm

      I just love you! =) Smart girls unite! Oh, actually…I suck at trivia…ha

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      • Reply
        Tammy
        June 22, 2011 at 7:35 pm

        But you rule at Scrabble! That’s definitely a smart girl’s game! I do a lot of crossword puzzles and other word games, but DH can’t spell so I don’t have anyone to play Scrabble with!!

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  • Reply
    Amy
    June 22, 2011 at 9:46 am

    I firmly believe that it is very valuable to go through a period of not dating, of not TRYING to date and get to a point where you realize that you can be perfectly happy not being in a relationship. It was very liberating for me to be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without having to consider another person’s feelings/needs. Then, when I went back to dating I found that I made much better choices because I no longer thought “well he’d be better than nothing”, because nothing is no longer unattractive!

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    • Reply
      dad
      June 22, 2011 at 3:51 pm

      lot of wisdom here, amy.

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  • Reply
    Annie Weighs
    June 22, 2011 at 10:02 am

    So happy to hear that you’re loving yourself more and more! Someone else can’t love you for you until you do, so that is awesome! You’ve come a long way (baby) and I know that love will come to you at the perfect moment…it always does.

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  • Reply
    Joan
    June 22, 2011 at 10:11 am

    I have no doubt that you will find someone worthy of you, someone who loves you the way you are or will be (weight wise that is) because you have so many wonderful qualities that only people who know you recognize. And if you don’t find someone who loves you for who you are then they are not worth having.
    Your beautiful inside and out and so sweet and so kind and would help anyone that really needed help. I am proud of you. I know through out the years I have said Oh I think you should have been with this guy. But you know what It is not my choice, the only thing I really want for you is for you to be Happy . I guess I really don’t count since I am your mom. But I know you more than anyone on this page and I know you are a (catch as your put it ) of a lifetime . And when that special person comes along. He will know it and so will you. Slim or big all he will see is your beautiful smile and your kindness that shows when people are around you. Love you MOM

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    • Reply
      dad
      June 22, 2011 at 3:53 pm

      ditto!

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      • Reply
        Kenlie
        June 22, 2011 at 5:39 pm

        I love my parents…..! <3

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  • Reply
    Jodi
    June 22, 2011 at 10:36 am

    My husband never knew me when I was SUPER obese (one step above morbidly apparently). It has been a little difficult for him to understand my past and how it shaped who I am. He see’s pictures of me from that time and its like to him its not really me. He can’t wrap his mind around it. He has learned to be understanding of my past. He has always said that when he met me all he ever saw was how beautiful I was (and I weighed at least 250 then)..he still only see’s me that way…

    I think love happens when you least expect it. I was walking in petsmart when I met my husband and his ugly dog tried to bite my beautiful sweet dog. I told him to keep his ugly dog away from my fabulous one and he asked for my number. The rest was history…

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    • Reply
      Tammy
      June 22, 2011 at 12:33 pm

      Jodi – I love your “how we met story”! His ugly dog – that cracks me up!

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      • Reply
        Kenlie
        June 22, 2011 at 5:50 pm

        Awwww LOVE this story! =)

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        • Reply
          Jodi
          June 23, 2011 at 9:51 am

          Yep….we lost both of those dogs over the years (we will be married 8 years on 11/8) and somehow the idea that they brought us together made it harder to lose them. When we lost his “ugly” dog I cried for weeks. I had the ugly thing cremated and kept the ashes I was so upset! Our marriage isn’t perfect but we deep down love each other. If I gained all the weight back he wouldn’t care and that means a LOT LOT LOT to me. He just loves me.

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  • Reply
    Michael Badger
    June 22, 2011 at 11:09 am

    There are a lot of changes that happen while you lose weight. As much as I hate it, people treat you differently and their perseption of you is altered. On the flip side, you interact with people in a different way. How exciting to have a new beginning. The people you will meet and the friends you will make will soon make you wonder how you lived without them. Good luck and enjoy the ride no matter how bumpy.

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  • Reply
    Emily @FitandFreeEmily
    June 22, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Yet another post from you where I feel like we’re sisters from different misters 😉 haha

    Seriously, though. I was in your shoes a few years back. Everyone kept telling me “you’ll find him if you’re skinny.” Which is total nonsense. Sure, it might happen WHEN you’re at goal, but not BECAUSE you’re at goal. I know it’s terribly cliche to say this, but he’ll come when you stop looking.

    I know I know, but it’s true. I really do believe that the universe rewards us when we least expect it and most deserve it. When you love you, honor you, and find worth in just being you with every cell of your being – love will come to you 🙂

    Keep up the hard work, girl! I’m so excited for your big move – I think it’s going to open a billion adventures for you. Next time lets hand more at Fitbloggin!

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:42 pm

      Oh, no one has ever said to me “you’ll find him when you’re skinny.” I would obliterate them with my words..ha But I think you’re right…everyone seems to say it’s when you least expect it. I’m certainly expecting nothing right now, but I do wish for it. We’ll see.

      And yeah, cannot wait to hang at Fitbloggin’ more next year. I added our Popchips photo to my scrapbook today! =)

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  • Reply
    Joanna
    June 22, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    For four years, I tried desperately to find “the one”. The man that would love me for who I am, what’s on the inside…etc. and so on. It was nothing but fail after fail – heartbreak after heartbreak…so I gave up looking.

    It was after I gave up looking that I stumbled across a guy that was different from the rest. He liked to talk about everything and anything. We had deep conversations. I could share my frustrations with him – and he would sit and listen, and give his feedback.

    It was after spending some time with this person – who was just a friend with a great ear – that I realized my true love was staring me in my face. After I had stopped looking – he had found me.

    Seven years later – our friendship and love are as strong as ever. He is both my best friend and the love of my life. Our differences make our bond stronger.

    My point is, that sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind. I realized it’s not about seeking him out…sometimes, you just have to sit back and let him find you. I know that he will. 🙂

    It took me four years – 4 YEARS!! I had given up hope, I had come to peace with the fact that I’d probably be single for the rest of my life….and then he came along.

    You will find love – I know it – you just might have to wait for him to find you. 🙂

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:49 pm

      I’ve never been good at waiting…which is strange because I’m okay at procrastinating…ha Great advice…I’m trying it now..

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  • Reply
    SKM
    June 22, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Kenlie – I don’t know how old you are, but I didn’t get married to my husband until I was in my 30s. He’s seen me at my lightest, he’s seen me at my heaviest and I am so glad that I never settled, because at the end of the day – the person you are meant to be with will love you NO MATTER WHAT.

    Enjoy this freedom. I love being married, but I am SO GLAD that I spent my 20s alone. I did a lot of awesome things that I haven’t been able to do with the “weight” of having a house and those married responsibilities that keep me from getting another tattoo and staying out until 5 a.m. dancing with my girlfriends. I could probably still do these things, but I don’t really want to anymore. 🙂

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:51 pm

      I’m 30 actually. =) I wouldn’t have wanted to be married in my 20’s, but being 30 definitely makes me think about it more often now. I have many stories of staying out until 5am dancing the night away…yeah…wouldn’t trade them! 🙂

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  • Reply
    DefineDiana
    June 22, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    I think that whoever you ultimately end up with, whether you find him before you loose all your weight or not, will love you for who you are past and present. You are only the person you are today because of the past that you have lead. So that person will love the person you will be when you meet him, and whoever you are today will help determine who you are tomorrow. So don’t worry that you’ll end up with someone who wouldn’t love you when you were overweight, because that isn’t true. They’ll love you for you, and that is a part of who you are.

    I hope that made any lick of sense.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:52 pm

      OMG Diana…….that is precisely what I needed to hear. You articulated it so well…….wow…just wow…thank you.

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    • Reply
      Melissa (@MelGetsFit)
      June 22, 2011 at 6:35 pm

      Well said, Diana!!!

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  • Reply
    Liz
    June 22, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Ironically the moment I said to myself “I’m ok being single for now” is the moment when I became aware of C. We’ve been married 8 yrs now.

    Still folks are right. Take the time for you and become who you want to be. The rest will fall into place.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 5:52 pm

      Amazing advice…I’m definitely trying now. 🙂

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  • Reply
    Shari
    June 22, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    I used to be one of those people who put too much emphasis on relationships and trying to be in one. The minute I stopped worrying about it, the better life got. I am able to enjoy so much more now that I concentrate on just myself. No one should ever love you more than you love yourself. All journeys start from there =)

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    • Reply
      dad
      June 22, 2011 at 10:14 pm

      so very true.

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  • Reply
    Melissa (@MelGetsFit)
    June 22, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    I’m kind of in the same place right now. I’ve pretty much always been in a relationship until my last breakup. I haven’t been on a date in a while either. I was supposed to go out on one about 3 weeks ago and got stood up. *suck* I’ve decided instead of worrying about it, I’m just going to relish this time for me. Reading through your post reminded me of something my grandmother used to say to me when I was a teenager that I’d not thought about in years: If you can’t be happy BY yourself, you’ll never be happy WITH someone else. Thinking about that again after all these years is a great reminder that I shouldn’t be depending on someone else for my own happiness. Really thankful I read this today because it’s something I definitely needed to hear!

    Thanks!

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  • Reply
    KCLAnderson (Karen)
    June 22, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    What strikes me is your awareness about all of this…you don’t need our advice 🙂

    But I’ll take this opportunity to ramble: I had a string of really bad boyfriends and one bad marriage…and all of it was based on me trying to have relationships with emotionally unavailable men because I didn’t think I deserved anything else. YOU don’t think that way and that is HUGE!!

    I wish for every woman a marriage like the one I have (we met when I was 32 and married when I was 35). It sounds corny, but I didn’t know what love was until my husband Tim loved me. And even before I met him, I knew that in order to have that kind of love, I needed to love myself first. But I didn’t (and that’s only said in hindsight). So it’s seems like a miracle that, not only did this amazing man come into my life, but that I didn’t ruin the relationship. On a side note, my weight had nothing to do with anything, as far as he was concerned. When we met, I was heavier than I am now…and I got A LOT heavier after we were married…it was almost like I was testing him. Will he love me even if I get really fat?? Yeah…I had abandonment issues.

    But he didn’t. He showed me what love looks like…he gave me a safe space in which to explore it and give it to myself.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 22, 2011 at 11:34 pm

      I want to hug you right now! I LOVE this, and I think it’s so wonderful. I hope I can tell someone these things someday…

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  • Reply
    Lynn Haraldson
    June 23, 2011 at 10:19 am

    You’ve put out there so much of what I’ve been wanting to say and can’t for fear of being “lectured.” Thank you, thank you for this post! I hope you don’t mind if I quote you when I finally get the nerve up to write what’s been on my mind re: relationships lately.

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