I’m the girl who always has a boyfriend. Correction, I used to be the girl who always had a boyfriend. And the list of guys from former relationships is (mostly) good. With exception of one or two, I’ve always dated guys who were good marriage material though I’ve never married. And in some ways, I think dating guys that society deemed “a good catch” proved that I was a good catch in spite of the 200+ pounds of excess weight that I carried on my body.
Now, after losing about 130 pounds and counting, I find myself completely dateless with no particular prospects. I’ve only been on one date since December! One date! The guy was tall and handsome and nice, but he couldn’t name the vice president of the United States, and he thought I was weird for being surprised by that.
I’d love to tell you that it’s a liberating feeling – being alone, moving across the country (next month) though the truth is that it’s lonely. And it has forced me to recognize how much I’ve based my self-worth on being in relationships in the past.
Last year, after a serious breakup, I dated several guys in close succession. And while I thought that it was a good idea, I realized later that I was putting way too much pressure on myself to find love. Now, six months and one date later, I’m fighting off this feeling that maybe I’ve lost my chances. Maybe love will never find me. Or maybe (hopefully) it will…..?
I have come a long way on my weight-loss journey, but I have a long way to go. And I am starting to realize that this self-induced pressure to find my soul mate while I’m still heavier than average is understandable – yet silly. Maybe I won’t meet Mr. Right until I’m less than 150 pounds. Or maybe I’ll meet him tomorrow. Maybe I’ve met him, and I don’t know it yet. Or maybe I’ll meet him when I settle into my new home on the other coast. (That seems logical, doesn’t it?)
Maybe the man who loves me will never know me as an overweight person. I’ve believe, for a long time, that he should, but my Curvy Nerd friend made an excellent point earlier this week when she said “at this point, I have to do it for me and hope that whomever I meet will understand my past.” Maybe the same will be true for me. I’ve separated my self-worth and my my (lack of) dating life so I guess we’ll find out in time.
This journey is definitely about me. And what’s most important right now, for me, is to recognize my value regardless. I know that I have faults, but I’m also starting to believe that I’m loveable. And I would guess that I have to know that – and really believe it – before I can find true love with someone else. At least, that’s what the smart people say. 😉
So I’ll continue down my road to self-love, forgiveness and acceptance and hope that somewhere along the way the right person will join me. Until then, I’ll continue to look forward to the future while appreciating the present.