Last week, in a session with America’s Weight Loss Catalyst, Pat Barone, I was given an assignment – to answer a couple of questions about my self-worth. And while I thought it would be easy at the time, I realized (after a few days of forcing myself to think about this) that I really don’t like some of my answers. I’m going to share them anyway in an attempt to improve myself because that’s the whole point, right?
The first question: List the ways I look for self-worth from the outside. It should be easy to answer this even if I don’t like the answers, right? I mean, I definitely look for self-worth from the outside.
- I often base my self-worth on the amount of attention I get from guys…not all guys…specifically, tall, driven, successful men who don’t typically show interest in other overweight women.
It’s as if I am subconsciously saying “See? This guy could have any girl he wants, but he wants me. I’ve done this so. many. times. I’ve even said it out loud so it’s not just subconscious.
- I definitely have a history of basing my personal value on the value of my things (i.e. latest tech gadgets, designer bags and shoes, etc.)
Growing up, we usually had what we needed, but spending $1000 on a handbag wasn’t on the radar. It’s still not something I do all the time, but I have done it in the past just to prove (not sure to whom) that I could do it.
I’m probably most disappointed in myself over this realization, but I’m also most proud for working through this one. At some point over the last year I realized that I don’t need all of those things to make me happy. And people who disagree are people that I just don’t need to be around. I still like pretty things, but they don’t define me in the way that I wished they did previously.
- I feel worthy when people think I’m creative or talented.
I remember the feeling of giddy pride I had last month when I started singing and my long-time friend, Kent, looked at me as if he was seeing my for the first time. I’ve mentioned on my blog that he was blown away, and thinking about that moment now makes me smile. =) Side note: Kent is currently across the globe helping homeless, orphaned children who literally have nothing…How awesome is that? Digressing, I know…I’m just so proud…
And something similar happened with my dad (he reminded me recently in a blog comment) when he heard me perform in a vocal contest in 8th grade. Dad obviously knew I sang, but he didn’t know I sang like that. Note: I’m decent, but these are just examples of moments in which I found self-worth from the outside.
And now, the second question: List the ways in which I look for self-worth on the inside. This is much more intimidating to answer. Hmm…
- This is probably obvious, but I find self-worth in knowing that I’ve lost over 100 pounds.
- I know I’m creative and talented, and it makes me feel worthy of self-love.
I’m not sure why I feel so compelled to add a disclaimer about how I don’t think I’m that great…just a little great.
- I fight for myself.
I no longer sit quietly and allow people to treat me like garbage. If you read my blog, you’ve seen some pretty staunch examples of this. I stand up for others too even when it’s not easy.
- I am not a quitter.
This is the most difficult thing to post without feeling like a total fraud, but it’s true. Giving up on making myself healthier and happier is not even on my radar. And I’ve been tested many times…this makes me feel worthy of every bit of self-love that I’ve whined about trying to find on my blog in the past.
I feel like my lists should be much longer, but it has taken days of thought to come up with these short lists of answers. What does this say about me?
Now I’d like to hear your answers to these questions. Where do you search for self-worth from the outside? And how do you find it on the inside?