Emotions Lifestyle Reflection Uncategorized

Personal Responsibility, or Who I Am Today Is Okay

The last several weeks have been pretty eye-opening for me.   I’ve been on this journey of change and self-acceptance and forgiveness for a long time now, and I take pride in the fact that my blog readers have gotten the most honest representation of myself that I could ever hope to portray.  I’ve been blatantly honest here, and I believe that it has been the key to my success so far.  I cannot count the times that I was desperately anxious or worried about something only to feel completely free of it after I talked about it on this blog!

And I’m thrilled about that, but I’ve shoved some of my thoughts under the rug.  I did not want to face them or think about them, and I certainly didn’t want to talk about them.  But it’s time to start facing them so I can continue on this journey with a new sense of self-acceptance, self-forgiveness and self-love so bear with me as I spend the next several minutes shedding my self-inflicted armor in a personal attempt to reach a new level of freedom and self-confidence.

I’ve talked about my struggles with self-honesty and honesty in general on my blog several times in the last year, and I’ve made some pretty big strides in being honest and content with who I am right now.  I’m proud of myself for losing the filter, for saying how I feel even when it’s uncomfortable and for being myself even though I’m not precisely sure who I want to be.  But I still have a long way to go so over the last couple of weeks, I have forced myself to face some extraordinarily uncomfortable feelings and memories and even  talked about them with my sister because she’s really the only one who can fully understand the root of those feelings and memories.

I’ve talked about some of these things on my blog. But I also want to talk about the unnecessary stress I used to place on myself so frequently by trying to hide things about my life that no one actually cared about because I feared judgment. What I’m learning is that we spend so much time obsessing over trivial things that often times, we forget to look at the big picture.

It is hard to admit that I was a lonely girl in my twenties who was wasting opportunities and  had no idea what my life should be or what I really expected out of myself.  I faked it for a long time even convincing myself that I was the happy person I described above.  But I was not.  Obviously, I was wrong to pretend be someone I was not.  Yes, I’ve done that before – more than once, I’m afraid.  In fact, it was practically a way of life for far too long,  and it was not fun.  It caused unnecessary anxiety and created feelings of loneliness even as I was surrounded by people who wanted to accept me.

I have been living humbly and apologetically for months.  At various times, I have lamented mistakes and regrets, written blog posts about my desire to be a better person and the work I’m doing to create that change…But I am keenly aware, probably for the first time in my life, that my actions in the past do NOT make me a terrible person. They were wrong, and, of course I regret them.  But those less-than-stellar moments, in addition to the great moments in my life have helped mold me into the person I am now.  And dare I say I’m starting to like this person?

Now…I realize that I can’t expect forgiveness from every person I hurt as a result of my own selfish insecurities.  There are people on this planet (thankfully not many) who would love to tell the world how awful I am – and people who are, perhaps, jealous of the attention I’ve received through my blog and the media.  There are also strangers who do not believe that someone “as fat and ugly as me should be allowed to inhabit the planet”  and have e-mailed me with the details of their horrible thoughts, but all of these people are missing the entire point.

The goal in writing this blog – the goal in my life, in general, is to be better today than I was yesterday.   I say it all the time, but I am also living it. I am taking responsibility for myself and doing my best to evolve.  This journey is a process filled with ups and downs, shameful secrets and epiphanies.  For me, this journey – at this precise moment – is about figuring out how to love myself.  It is not about who I was;  it is about who I am, who I want to be and who I’m working to become.  It is about making progress and getting to the root of the problems that allowed this girl – me – to weigh 400 pounds in the first place.

I am human.  I’ve made mistakes, and it’s time to forgive myself.  I’ve made this proclamation before, and I’ll keep making it until I feel completely free of those regrets.  I may not have always deserved the life that I want, but I deserve it now because I’m working for it, and I’m the only one who can do it.   And I’ll remind myself, as many times as I need to, that there are plenty of reasons to love myself.  And those things deserve to take center stage in my head now.

 

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30 Comments

  • Reply
    Corinthe
    July 1, 2011 at 3:21 am

    You are awesome and inspiring and your experiences are what made you the person you are today. I try not to regret anything. I acknowledge, accept and try to do better. It’s hard, and I am not always successful, but I try. And I bet there are more people who adore you and everything you’ve accomplished than there are who hate you right now. Love yourself, you rock!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 12:26 pm

      Thanks Corinthe! I think you’re probably right about that…ha Let’s hope, shall we? 😉

  • Reply
    Jennifer S
    July 1, 2011 at 7:00 am

    Acknowlege, accept and forgive yourself. You have taken responsibility for your actions and do not want to repeat them. When you forgive yourself you set yourself free. You rock! I love reading your blog as I struggle with my own weight loss demons.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 12:27 pm

      “When you forgive yourself you set yourself free.” Wow…

  • Reply
    Shrinking Mary Jo
    July 1, 2011 at 7:28 am

    Forgiving yourself is one of the best gifts you could give to you and I’m glad you’ve done it. You are such an inspiration!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 12:27 pm

      I’m working on it Mary Jo..Thank you!!

  • Reply
    Joanna
    July 1, 2011 at 8:50 am

    I love this post. I wrote one very similar a couple of days ago.

    The fact that you are publically sharing these “a-ha” moments with us really shows how much you have dedicated yourself to making these magical transformations.

    You are a true inspriation!!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 12:28 pm

      I am dedicated…..I won’t give up..thank you Joanna!

  • Reply
    Brooke
    July 1, 2011 at 9:16 am

    I think you are lucky and others of us who have a supportive system of family and friends to give us positive reinforcement. Perfect strangers even believe in you.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 12:28 pm

      I don’t take that for granted…I do feel so lucky in my personal life and not so personal life. Thanks for the reminder!

  • Reply
    KCLAnderson (Karen)
    July 1, 2011 at 9:34 am

    I very much relate to the theme of this blog post…and I am glad you recognize that while you have regrets (and who doesn’t?) you’re not a bad person. For the vast majority of us, it’s about intention…and most of us don’t act out of pure evil, we do the best we can with what we have and know at the time…and when we know better, we do better (thank you Maya Angelou). Brava Kenlie!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 12:29 pm

      I think you’re right Karen…thank you for saying it.

  • Reply
    Alana
    July 1, 2011 at 11:16 am

    It is amazing how you sometimes think you have dealt with something… then bam! there it is again. Childhood issues are the hardest to unpack and deal with. I wish you the best and thanks for your transparency on the blog! Hugs!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 12:29 pm

      Thank you for the support Alana!

  • Reply
    Latina Barbi
    July 1, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    You said it best…it’s what we’re all going through or have gone through… there is a light at the end of the tunnel…she’s a beautiful person, named Kenlie! MUAH!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 3:41 pm

      What a beautifully articulate way to remind me of what I needed to know…thank you!

  • Reply
    Perri
    July 1, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Kenlie,

    I truly appreciate your blog entries perhaps because I can identify with them or maybe it is the fact that are often very inspiring to many. I think all of us out there are like a rose bud through life. In order to bloom we must be fed knowledge, and watered with love. We all do things we regret, and feel remorseful over. We learn from it. It is not what we have done in the past but more so what we do in the future once we learn from the past. As you get older, you either wilt from repeating the same mistakes or with knowledge and self-love you bloom. It is an on-going life long process. You are definately ahead of most.
    Don’t let the haters get you down. They hate themselves. Their bud is wilting. It is easier for them to judge others than take a look in the mirror. You have way more people out there, like myself who appreciate you and find your blog enspiring. I’ve even decided to try writing my own blog. I’ve not gotten past just signing up for it at the moment. I’ll let you know when I get it up and going. It is scarey to ponder putting one’s thoughts out there for all the read. You are a brave soul!

    Have a great 4th, my friend! God Bless!

    Perri

  • Reply
    Kris
    July 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Great post! Acceptance, self-love, and forgiveness are all so important.

    I’ve accepted who I am – I may not be the person I *thought* I should be, but that is OK. I’ve learned to love myself, which makes it easier for me to accept love from others. 🙂 Forgiveness is harder, and I’m still working on it. I feel some guilt for not being able to be the person I thought I should be, because those actions impact others (like my family). Those mistakes are hard to forgive, but by accepting who I am I can try to never make them again.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, and for inspiring us!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 4:06 pm

      It seems like many of us are dealing with our own levels of forgiveness, aren’t we?

  • Reply
    Kathie
    July 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    I’m one of those who love ya! Even though you don’t know me, I truly appreciate all that you’ve shared. Simply because the words you write have given way to to the feelings and thoughts I’ve pushed down and ignored for so long. Most often, I’m nodding my head in agreement and understanding because it’s in my heart too. So thank you for being the person you are because you mean more than you’ll ever know, to many of us that you don’t even know.

    ((HUGS))
    Kathie

  • Reply
    Sarah
    July 1, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Amen.

  • Reply
    mary
    July 1, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    kenlie
    you are awesome
    being honest with ourselves is the hardest thing to do isn’t it?
    it seems alot that you write about what i am currently thinking about, and you write about it so well!
    xoxo

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 4:04 pm

      It is hard sometimes, but it’s necessary, right? Thanks for understanding it Mary!

      • Reply
        mary
        July 1, 2011 at 6:24 pm

        i understand it more than you know….i think we should make july ‘be honest and kind to ourselves’ month…with honesty should come kindness, and you know we beat ourselves up the most…well except for those special people who insist on being miserable and making everyone else that way too.

  • Reply
    Brandy
    July 1, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    I could have written a lot of this point. I have never been happy when I have let myself gain back weight I have previously lost but in front of people I put on the smile and tell them I love myself. How much farther from the truth could I get?? But I’ve decided there’s no point in continuing to beat myself up over all of this and decided to go back on WW again (I weighed in this morning!) and really do something to change me for the better. Thank you for putting yourself out there when so many others would rather judge and continue to live in the lies. Best of luck and thoughts in all you do!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 1, 2011 at 3:38 pm

      Wow Brandy! You are taking charge and moving forward! It’s so scary yet so rewarding. Congrats to you…..

  • Reply
    Momma Hunt
    July 1, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    I really connect with your post. I have spent several months in therapy working very hard to figure out who I am…to stop hiding the real me. I have spent way to many years pretending to be the perfect person because I was so unhappy and ashamed of who I really am. I spent most of my days pretending to be happy and perfect and worrying and freaking out when I wasn’t. I have learned that the first step to being healthy and happy is figuring out who I am….let me not pretend that I have all the answer because I am still desperately working on figuring out who I am but I am well on my way and it looks like you are too. Thanks for a great post

  • Reply
    Steelers6
    July 1, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Like!

    And hugs

    Chrissy
    ps – you write so well. That will be useful when you get a book published. Or maybe you have, and just haven’t mentioned.

  • Reply
    Miss April
    July 2, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    That is beautiful and thanks for sharing! You are a work in progress and will only continue to get better!

  • Reply
    Michelle
    July 2, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Excellent post. You have come so far. I’m very proud of your overcoming your struggles. You are well on your way to freedom and you will find out exactly who you want to be when the time is right.

    I wish I could get over my mistakes in life. Somehow I don’t think I ever will and for that reason will always struggle with my weight. Self acceptance is a very powerful thing if only we ever reach that point.

    There are many things I’ve done in my past, and continue to do so, because of no self worth. In 4 years I’ll be 60…. will I ever reach the point where I decide to love myself enough to accept the love that is given to me without reaching out for something more.

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