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Unexpected Emotions

I’m sitting inside a Starbucks (a place that’s always familiar) on Wilshire Blvd. with my headphones in my ears and a million emotions swirling around in my head.  Immediately upon arriving last night, I went to Ralph’s for eggs and cheese (yay! Tillamook!) then to Trader Joe’s for cereal, more cheese (my beloved brie bites) and a few other essentials.  And the emotions started flowing…

When I lived in New York, I went to Trader Joe’s regularly. And last night, while I was looking for soy sauce, I ran across a certain food that I used to buy – shrimp that my ex-boyfriend used to like – and suddenly I realized that I miss him so much it almost hurts.  I’m not saying that I wish I could be with him again (though part of me longs for the life we had when we thought it was good.)  Instead, I really just wish I could talk to him about everything – his grams, where I went wrong, what’s happening in my life now…  He felt like my family, but that isn’t going to happen.  And as I begin this new chapter, I know it’s time to say goodbye to him.

We haven’t talked in almost a year, but I think about him everyday.  He was my friend.  I don’t say his name much anymore, but it’s time to start thinking about him less too – what he’d think about my workouts with Richard Simmons or how much he’d love laying on the beach all afternoon or how he’d laugh at my idea to run from my apartment to Sprinkles (a cupcake place that I haven’t tried yet.)

I’ve known for months that the rest of my life would happen without him, but now I feel as though it is finally happening! The new chapter has begun which means it’s time to turn the page.  I have a few new friends, a new place to workout, new pots and pans and a new zip code.

Life has provided a clean slate for me, and while I’m nervous, I’m also ready to create the life I want so I’m going appreciate my surroundings and opportunities and fear less.  I’m going to continue working to accept myself as I am – a work in progress who has made mistakes and great strides.

I’m choosing to move forward with my body, my mind and everything else because life is what we make it.  And I want to make mine extraordinary.  Wish me luck…..

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21 Comments

  • Reply
    teresa
    August 8, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    I really wish you luck!! I live in L.A. and love it. There’s so much that is good here. I believe it’s all perspective and if you aim to see the kind people and the goodness around you, then you will. Much more than anything else at any rate.
    Good for you for already having a new gym!! Which one is it?
    I hope you have fun settling in. I love a new place to decorate.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 9, 2011 at 3:41 am

      I’m working out at Slimmons – Richard Simmons’ studio. =0)

  • Reply
    Tammy
    August 8, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Yes, enjoy the clean slate! It’s time to do what YOU want to do for YOU!

    PS. I first had Tillamook cheese in Alaska, and I found some at Sam’s Club yesterday! Yay!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 9, 2011 at 3:42 am

      I love Tillamook! It’s just so yummy!

  • Reply
    Lisa
    August 8, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Good Luck & many {{hugs}} !!!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 9, 2011 at 3:42 am

      Thank you Lisa!

  • Reply
    auntiekim
    August 8, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    mmmm cheese. I love cheese. Anyway, I hope you’re excited about your new life. I wish you nothing but success and happiness, however that looks to you. Enjoy your time in LA. It’s a great place with a lot to offer.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 9, 2011 at 3:42 am

      Thank you!

  • Reply
    9a
    August 8, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    You will make it great! (This is a new step of many to the dream life you are building.)

    One thing I know now is … The right relationship isn’t hard … at least in the love and respect area! (There are always challenges, but more of the “you and me against the world – why’d the car breakdown this week!” variety instead of the, “you make me feel bad about being me/if only” variety!)

    If you are anything like me, every “relationship” I ever got involved in, until my husband at 29 3/4ths, was an epic will of me trying to “fit.” (Going after people who were not into me because it was safe, almost-more than friendships, boyfriends that were only boyfriends when no one else was around … blarg.)

    It was pretty cliche, but literally the week before my husband and I went out on our first date I told a friend on the phone, “I think I am only going to date carnies from now on!” I hit the point that I really didn’t care that I didn’t have a boyfriend … and amazingly my husband asked me out because, “I seemed like a cool girl with a lot of confidence!” (Ha!)

    Anyhoo … what it seems you want is to share all this new stuff, so definitely have fun with all of your Cali friends! After a few weeks you will be in your groove and it won’t be so hard. You are also lucky to be starting with a cool circle of friends to build from, so I have tons of faith that it’ll get better sooner than later for you.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 9, 2011 at 3:45 am

      I had the opposite problem with that guy…re: when no one else was around…but I’m not worried about guys now….(can’t believe I’m saying that.)

      I’m just going to concentrate on growing, settling in, building friendships, etc. I’ll deal with the love part later or something..

  • Reply
    NinaPatricia
    August 8, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    ah. the emotions. Well, changes are always for the best. I sometimes encounter things, objects, music, a place, etc. that reminds me of my ex. At first it was hard but then eventually it turn that those memories remind me of how bad things got and how lucky I was not to be with him. It takes time.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 9, 2011 at 3:47 am

      Things were never really bad with him..they just weren’t good…and certainly not enough for either of us. I don’t think I’ll ever view him as awful..he was my friend for a reason, you know? That being said, we’re also no longer together for many reasons – some of which are squarely on me and some of which are on him…

      Life goes on….

  • Reply
    Kris
    August 9, 2011 at 12:50 am

    Change is hard; a full scale life change is the biggest thing you can tackle – but you CAN do it! Look how far you’ve come! Keep moving forward, embracing life at every step. Good things are happening for you! 🙂

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 9, 2011 at 3:47 am

      Thank you Kris!

  • Reply
    KCLAnderson (Karen)
    August 9, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Ah yes…the clean slate conundrum: exhilarating and exciting and scary and lonely all at once! You’ve got this!

  • Reply
    Ann
    August 9, 2011 at 8:22 am

    Get a cat – it will help soooo much that you will decide NOT to get a man!!! LOL!! That’s what happened to me!
    I wish you LUCK-LUCK-and more LUCK!!!! But I do not think you will need it!
    From what I can tell from reading your blog for a while now, you are a strong and wonderful person and I am SURE that life will be GRAND for you very soon – HANG IN!!!!!!!!

  • Reply
    Tricia
    August 9, 2011 at 9:46 am

    You go girl!! What an exciting time in your life and you are moving on gracefully, which is all we can do. Sometimes a fresh start is the best gift we can give ourselves. I so wish I could go to Slimmons too.

  • Reply
    Jules Big Girl Bombshell
    August 9, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Welcome to Cali …girl Yes…the next chapter…. YOU have got this!

  • Reply
    Denise
    August 9, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Sometimes all it takes is venting those feelings and that is enough to push you through.
    I’ll have to set a date to go to slimmons. It’s not exactly down the street for me(at least an hour from my house). haha It would be fun to experience Richard in person and meet cool people like you. 🙂

  • Reply
    Jan
    August 9, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    My heart is saddened for you, but overjoyed to. With “death” comes life, right? Mourn the loss of what needs to go and look ahead for brighter days. I’m so proud of you for reflecting. Sounds like you’ve had a lot on your mind lately. A fresh start is a perfect way to start. Sounds like you’re setting up home very wisely (with a gym already). 🙂 Good luck to you. You are well on your way to the happy, fulfilling life you’re dreaming on. It’s just right over that hill just in front of you. Keep moving toward it. 🙂

  • Reply
    Laurie
    August 9, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    I totally get how hard it is to let go of “him” and the friendship. AND, I am so excited to read about your new adventures. I’m kind of jealous that I am only reading about them, but you will be living them. Live Hard, Kenlie!

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