If you’ve followed my blog for a while then you know that I’ve gone from scale to scale to scale to scale over the last (almost) year, and you also know that I’ve logged about 130 pounds lost. I’ve been happy with my EatSmart Precision Plus Bathroom scale even though it said I was much heavier than the old, broken scale, but I didn’t own that scale until May.
Being away from my Weight Watchers meeting made it tough to get an accurate assessment of my weight-loss, but I’m back. And I’m struggling with the realization that I haven’t lost as much as I thought. Yes, I know that what’s most important is that I’ve lost over 100 pounds since I began this journey – and that I’m losing again. And yes, I know that the numbers aren’t as important as the goal, blah, blah, blah…but when you have over 200 pounds to lose, every pound counts! And I have to admit, accept and move on so this doesn’t get me down.
Now that I’ve been back at Weight Watchers for a few weeks, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the numbers. (No, I’m not obsessing over them, but they do matter.) Here’s where I started…
And now, after believing that I had lost about 130 pounds, I realize that I’ve lost 102.4 pounds. It’s hard to have a sad face when I think of how far I’ve come (until I think about how I haven’t changed much at all in the last 12 months.)
I know that I experienced a gain during the holidays (or that the scale at a WW meeting I visited twice in the middle of nowhere was inaccurate about my 13.8 loss for the week.) And I know that I gained about 10 pounds en route from Los Angeles to New Orleans which I have since lost…but it’s hard to wrap my head around that fact that I’ve really only lost 102.4 pounds to date. That means that I weigh precisely what I weighed at this time last year (which would be cool if I didn’t workout hard all year.)
This realization makes me feel like a failure. I feel as though I’ve failed those of you who take time to read my blog, and I feel like I’ve failed my dad as well. He’s supportive (and he’ll, no doubt, tell me that I’m not a failure after he reads this post,) but it doesn’t change the fact that my weight is the same as it was a year ago. That said, it also doesn’t change the fact that I’m moving forward now. I lost 10.8 pounds this week, and I expect another nice loss when I step on the scale later today so let’s think about the positives.
1) The feelings of disappointment that I might be experiencing now seem to be minimized because of the strides I’m making right now. I am pretty proud of myself lately (as you may have noticed if you read yesterday’s post.)
2) The last 12 months have been heavily laden with stress, anxiety and uncertainty. I’ve experienced humiliation on an international level as well as the loss of what I thought was the forever kind of love and moved across the country – twice. (Stick with me..this isn’t a pity party..it’s a victory cheer.) And there are still many unknowns in my life (where I’ll go to school, where I’ll be working a year from now and whether or not I’ll ever experience that forever kind of love, etc.) So I would guess that if I were going to gain the 100+ pounds I’ve lost, this would have been the year to do it.
3) I’ve begun working through major issues inside my head, some of which are just too personal to share on the web. Those of you who choose to support and encourage me have reminded me time and again that I need to do what’s best for me. And in the last year, that has involved a lot of soul searching and a new wave of self-honesty. And while I’ve made strides all year, the last few weeks of intense inner-reflection have unlocked limitations that I’ve been putting on myself since childhood.
4) I’m confident that I can reach my goals – all of them….My self-worth took a major beating last year, but my family (who loves me regardless) and friends (the ones who stuck around even when life sucked) and faithful blog pals (who were there holding me up when I was on the edge) have reminded me that I am not a failure, and that there are reasons to be proud of myself. And I think it’s finally starting to sink in again.
5) My body is strong, and some days I feel completely fierce. I can run, dance (okay, that might be a stretch) and jump – all things I couldn’t do 100 pounds ago.
So while it would be easy to focus on the fact that I’ve only lost 102.4 pounds, I choose to focus on the fact that I’ve lost 102.4 pounds! And I’ll be adding to that number again today. If I’ve disappointed you, I’m sorry…but I can tell you that no one is as disappointed as me. Those numbers matter to me (maybe even a little more than they should.) But I’m doing my best. I’m living in the moment, and this moment is good.
There are things I would change if I could go back, but I can’t. And I don’t have to so I’m not going to waste time dwelling on it. Instead, I’m going to ask you to wish me luck because I’m going to update my numbers today! And by the end of the night, I’d like to say that I’ve lost more than 102.4 pounds. I’ll let you know how it goes…