Life Lesson # 102 : Using A Broken Scale Won’t Make You Skinnier

If you’ve followed my blog for a while then you know that I’ve gone from scale to scale to scale to scale over the last (almost) year, and you also know that I’ve logged about 130 pounds lost.  I’ve been happy with my EatSmart Precision Plus Bathroom scale even though it said I was much heavier than the old, broken scale, but I didn’t own that scale until May.

Being away from my Weight Watchers meeting made it tough to get an accurate assessment of my weight-loss, but I’m back.  And I’m struggling with the realization that I haven’t lost as much as I thought.  Yes, I know that what’s most important is that I’ve lost over 100 pounds since I began this journey – and that I’m losing again.  And yes, I know that the numbers aren’t as important as the goal, blah, blah, blah…but when you have over 200 pounds to lose, every pound counts!  And I have to admit, accept and move on so this doesn’t get me down.

Now that I’ve been back at Weight Watchers for a few weeks, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the numbers. (No, I’m not obsessing over them, but they do matter.)  Here’s where I started…

When I joined Weight Watchers I weighed 393.6 pounds.

And now, after believing that I had lost about 130 pounds, I realize that I’ve lost 102.4 pounds.  It’s hard to have a sad face when I think of how far I’ve come (until I think about how I haven’t changed much at all in the last 12 months.)

Currently, I weigh 291.2 pounds though I expect the scale to reflect a loss later today.

I know that I experienced a gain during the holidays (or that the scale at a WW meeting I visited twice in the middle of nowhere was inaccurate about my 13.8 loss for the week.)  And I know that I gained about 10 pounds en route from Los Angeles to New Orleans which I have since lost…but it’s hard to wrap my head around that fact that I’ve really only lost 102.4 pounds to date.  That means that I weigh precisely what I weighed at this time last year (which would be cool if I didn’t workout hard all year.)

This realization makes me feel like a failure.  I feel as though I’ve failed those of you who take time to read my blog, and I feel like I’ve failed my dad as well.  He’s supportive (and he’ll, no doubt, tell me that I’m not a failure after he reads this post,) but it doesn’t change the fact that my weight is the same as it was a year ago.  That said, it also doesn’t change the fact that I’m moving forward now.  I lost 10.8 pounds this week, and I expect another nice loss when I step on the scale later today so let’s think about the positives.

1) The feelings of disappointment that I might be experiencing now seem to be minimized because of the strides I’m making right now.  I am pretty proud of myself lately (as you may have noticed if you read yesterday’s post.)

2) The last 12 months have been heavily laden with stress, anxiety and uncertainty.  I’ve experienced humiliation on an international level as well as the loss of what I thought was the forever kind of love and moved across the country – twice.  (Stick with me..this isn’t a pity party..it’s a victory cheer.)  And there are still many unknowns in my life (where I’ll go to school, where I’ll be working a year from now and whether or not I’ll ever experience that forever kind of love, etc.)  So I would guess that if I were going to gain the 100+ pounds I’ve lost, this would have been the year to do it.

3) I’ve begun working through major issues inside my head, some of which are just too personal to share on the web.  Those of you who choose to support and encourage me have reminded me time and again that I need to do what’s best for me.  And in the last year, that has involved a lot of soul searching and a new wave of self-honesty.  And while I’ve made strides all year, the last few weeks of intense inner-reflection have unlocked limitations that I’ve been putting on myself since childhood.

4) I’m confident that I can reach my goals – all of them….My self-worth took a major beating last year, but my family (who loves me regardless) and friends (the ones who stuck around even when life sucked) and faithful blog pals (who were there holding me up when I was on the edge) have reminded me that I am not a failure, and that there are reasons to be proud of myself.  And I think it’s finally starting to sink in again.

5) My body is strong, and some days I feel completely fierce.  I can run, dance (okay, that might be a stretch) and jump – all things I couldn’t do 100 pounds ago.

So while it would be easy to focus on the fact that I’ve only lost 102.4 pounds, I choose to focus on the fact that I’ve lost 102.4 pounds!  And I’ll be adding to that number again today.  If I’ve disappointed you, I’m sorry…but I can tell you that no one is as disappointed as me.  Those numbers matter to me (maybe even a little more than they should.)  But I’m doing my best.  I’m living in the moment, and this moment is good.

There are things I would change if I could go back, but I can’t.  And I don’t have to so I’m not going to waste time dwelling on it.  Instead, I’m going to ask you to wish me luck because I’m going to update my numbers today!  And by the end of the night, I’d like to say that I’ve lost more than 102.4 pounds.  I’ll let you know how it goes…

 

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35 Comments

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    September 22, 2011 at 12:23 am

    You’ve lost over 100 pounds! Wahoo!

    And you’ve gained a new level of honesty. Kenz, you posted your actual weight–not jsut a week’s loss, which looks wonderful, but has no context. Instead, you posted an actual weight–even though it reveals a year that had some weight gains in it and hard work to just get back to where you were this time last year.

    I am so proud of you for doing that.

    You haven’t let anyone down. Readers who have read your blog with a discerning eye knew that you were struggling with achieving weight loss, so the numbers are no surprise.

    And no reflection on your determination or character, either. Refer back to the list from hell in this post, along with the things you didn’t list, to remind yourself that it took superhuman effort to get thru that and end up maintaining. Really. It’s the truth–you know I’m not just being nice. :}

    This post is a huge victory for you, Kenz. It shows what we all knew–you’re made of good stuff. And with each veil you remove, you’ll see it more clearly, yourself.

    IAM SO PROUD OF YOU.

    Deb

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  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    September 22, 2011 at 12:50 am

    Oops. I forgot to change my URL on your comment thing when I left my comment. Changed now. Deb

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  • Reply
    Princess Dieter
    September 22, 2011 at 1:55 am

    As another sojourner to health who’s lost more than 100 pounds, I do know how tough this journey is, and there are times when we just hold on, times we regain some, times we lose again, times we hold on again. We continue to learn and strive. The important thing is to stop damage before it’s massive and work on issues. You’re doing that. The important stuff. Moving, learning, assessing.

    Celebrate the big loss. Hope in the continued progress. Believe. Always believe…and I will, too.

    My best to you, K!

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  • Reply
    Xazmin
    September 22, 2011 at 2:14 am

    I’m proud of you! I gained back everything I’ve lost before having my youngest daughter and then some. At least you have maintained what you lost, and are continuing to move forward.

    You are an inspiration to me, and I know you are to many others as well. Thanks for sharing your journey. I started back on mine this week. Wish me luck, and good luck to you as well!!

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  • Reply
    Jilly
    September 22, 2011 at 3:08 am

    I know you have a long way to go, but just about every study ever done tells you that people who lose weight, generally gain it all back within the first year. You haven’t gained back one pound. That’s a huge success, a fight against the odds, you are a winner in the weight loss game.

    It is a constant battle, I lost 70 pounds and have gained back 15 over the past year despite running and dieting almost constantly! But I’m not going back to ‘that’ girl. It’s hard to step outside of your situation and see the bigger picture, but you have lost a MASSIVE amount of weight and it’s scientifically proven it’s FAR more difficult to keep it off, yet you’ve done that too. Time for pats on the back. Keep focussing on what this post is going to be like a year from today!

    Jilly XX

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    • Reply
      Cathy
      September 23, 2011 at 3:24 am

      Such a good point – maintaining a 100 pound loss for more than a year is a major accomplishment! Especially with all the stress you’ve had. You’ve never looked back at that first 100. Good for you.

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  • Reply
    Jessica S
    September 22, 2011 at 6:31 am

    Look at it as you can MAINTAIN! You have lost a large amount of weight.. No doubt during your rough patches you did gain.. but you did lose it again! Think of it as Marathon and not as a Sprint! You are learning the techniques that will help you keep it off life long.. The biggest, hardest and most fought battle will be the one going on between your ears.. Congrats on taking the steps to tackle that and be willing to admit that!
    Be Proud!

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  • Reply
    Marion@AffectionforFitness
    September 22, 2011 at 7:32 am

    I agree with Jessica–you maintained a 100 pound loss. And you know what to do and have a plan.

    I came to the same conclusion after going to a new dentist and finding out I have more cavities that the last dentist told me about. I did not gain cavities. They were there (I saw them on a t.v. screen) whether I knew about them or not. It’s healthier to be truthful to ourselves about these matter.

    🙂 Marion

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  • Reply
    dad
    September 22, 2011 at 8:18 am

    you’ve come a long way. the journey is not over. what’s important, is that we re-focus when we see where we really are. yesterday no longer matters. we live for the future, not in the past. keep the journey moving.

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  • Reply
    Beth@WeightMaven
    September 22, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Our goals are pretty similar, as is our progress. Me, I haven’t had a long plateau … instead, I’ve perpetually yo-yo’d my way back up. Not this time! So props to you. Continue to be kind to yourself! Glad you’re blogging real life, not just some fantasy you think folks want to read. Best wishes!!

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  • Reply
    Jill
    September 22, 2011 at 8:59 am

    I don’t care what your numbers are. Your drive and determination are incredible, you’re beautiful inside and out. The proof is in your photos! I think the fact that you realized you haven’t lost as much as you had thought and are determined to do better instead of quit is what really counts. *hugs*

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  • Reply
    Carrie@shrinkingcarrie
    September 22, 2011 at 9:21 am

    You have come so far, and yes while the scale has stood still for the last while that is no reason to feel disappointed in yourself! NEVER apologize to your readers for not losing weight and feeling like they’re disappointed in you, because they/we are not! You are doing this for yourself and your health not for us readers! And if they are disappointed then they probably shouldn’t be reading. They would not be a true supporter if they were only standing by you if you are constantly succeeding. Losing weight is HARD. It is an up and down journey and the most important thing is to find people who stand by you in the highs and in the lows. Hold your head up high girl! You’ve come so far, and there is more to be seen I just know it!

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  • Reply
    Anon in Ireland
    September 22, 2011 at 9:45 am

    You rock.

    That’s all.

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  • Reply
    Lorie
    September 22, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Good luck tonight!!! Disappointment, NOT!!! You are an inspiration to many, you have no idea! The fact that you didn’t gain that 102.4 LBS back after the year you have had is inspiration enough!!! Keep up the positive thoughts and I look forward to the continuing journey of your next 100 lbs!!! You can and WILL do it Kenlie!!!

    Have a great day!!

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  • Reply
    Annie Weighs
    September 22, 2011 at 9:57 am

    102 pounds is something to be proud of!! I can’t wait until I can say that. 🙂 You’re doing so well. You’ve been through so much this last year and you’ve maintained your weight-loss. That’s a huge victory! You now weigh about what I did when I started (292). You can now take my pictures and compare where are and see where you’ll be 20, 30, 40, 50…..pounds from where you are now. I hope that can be a source of inspiration for you. I can’t wait to watch your progress from here on out! You can do it! 🙂

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  • Reply
    Momma Hunt
    September 22, 2011 at 10:12 am

    First and foremost I need to say that you have not let your readers down, no way no how. We read your blog because of who you are-a person just like a lot of us who struggle with our weight and are finding life long solutions to that problem. You need to make sure that you are really kind to yourself. Not kind in the way I used to be with getting myself treats and food, but kind in how you speak to yourself. Be patient with the weight loss it will happen, be postive in in that you have already done so much, Cut yourself some slack-you have had a rough year with a lot of turmoil and you didn’t gain that weight back. Most people would have put back on all that weight and you are still there plugging away. Good for you. I know I am looking forward to hearing about all your adventures.

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  • Reply
    Nina
    September 22, 2011 at 10:17 am

    You are doing great right now and need to keep focusing on that! Everyday that you choose to be healthy is a victory. I’ve had a hard summer too and I am hovering around the 70 lost mark … since starting working on stuff last August. What I always tell myself lately is that even if this is “as good as it gets” I cannot justify treating this body badly. I have to put good fuel in it and move it!

    I went to the doctor yesterday and my blood pressure is down and my weight is down from August (11), when I was there last. (363/355) Even though I had a bad weekend and gained ~5 lbs, kicking me out of the 40s, in the big picture it is still winning. I am still moving forward.

    I think more and more I aim towards a daily HAES (Health at Every Size) point of view, but heavy on the “H!” (Which I don’t think means do whatever whenever.) Too often in the past I am either “on” or ” way off” the wagon. Now I don’t need a wagon … I am just walking down the trail on my own. (Which I think is true freedom in all of this.)

    You are an inspiration – you have not quit and you keep fighting. Many of us are right there with you and know how hard this is. You are honest to a fault on here and you have not done anything wrong. You are human and we are all complex and are allowed to make choices. You are on the right path for you and figuring everything out. You don’t owe anyone an apology.

    You are worth fighting for and a success now and you will reach your goal.

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  • Reply
    Dana
    September 22, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Oh Kenlie, I hope you look back at your post and see such progress. Maybe not always at the scale, but you work out and your body is stronger. You have had a very difficult year and you still post honest and lovely posts. I hit lifetime on WW years ago, but since I still struggle with my love affair with carbs, reading your blog daily always helps and motivates. 🙂

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  • Reply
    Ximena
    September 22, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Hi Kenz, one of the things I love most about your blog is the way you honestly express yourself and your feelings. That makes you a winner and something to feel proud about. I know sometimes the numbers matter more than what they should but you are really living a real journey and you can make the changes necessary to move forward and enjoy your life, no matter if is 102 lbs or less or more, you will always be an inspiration and you should do what Carrie@shrinkingcarrie said “Never apologize to your readers”. We read your blog because you have opened yourself to us and you allow us to share your journey and make it ours.
    Thank you again for allowing us to be part of your life!
    Ximena

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  • Reply
    Peg
    September 22, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Ok, you really need to stop using the word “only” in relation to what you have accomplished! You have lost 102+ pounds and through a year of significant challenges and changes, you have kept it off. You diminish yourself and your successes with “only”. I wish that I could only lose 100 pounds. I know that you still have a lot of weight to lose and you thought you’d be closer to your goal, but you are amazing in what you have accomplished.

    You rock through this roller coaster that is life and don’t you forget it!

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  • Reply
    OperaWife
    September 22, 2011 at 11:31 am

    The only thing that bothers me about this post is that you feel like you have to apologize to your readers. NO MA’AM. This is your own, personal journey, and we are here to support you and give you encouragement. NOWHERE does it say that you are required to do anything more than what’s best for YOU. If people are disappointed in you? F THEM. Who the hell cares what they think? YOU HAVE LOST OVER 100 LBS! I can’t even…I mean…damn girl! DAMN!

    I’m shouty and cussy today. Sorry.

    But seriously…you are UN. BE. LIEVABLE. You keep it up, and you will CONTINUE to inspire us. I’m giving you an air-high-five from Texas. LOVE.

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  • Reply
    L. Rivera
    September 22, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Please don’t ever you think you disappoint the people that read your blog. You inspire me through my weight loss journey and as someone who has lost and gained a couple of times you should be proud that even if you haven’t lost weight this past year you haven’t gained any. Be proud that you work out as hard as you do because that is something you couldn’t do before and even though numbers don’t always show it. Personally I like the feeling of going to the gym and doing things that years ago I couldn’t do. That alone sometimes keeps me going.

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  • Reply
    Mary O'C
    September 22, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Please don’t think you’ve disappointed your readers in any way. Many, incluing myself, have been where you are. I went to WW At Work for three years, and ended up right where I started — lost some weight, put it back on, lost some weight, etc. Now, I’ve chosen not to attend WW for a little while and see if maybe I can get my head together and decide what my next step will be. It might even be WW again. You should know you are truly an inspiration! Just think…you’ve lost 100+ lbs. That is a major, major accomplishment. You should be very proud of yourself!

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  • Reply
    Josie
    September 22, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    I imagine you must feel just like you’ve said. But it bears repeating, because never forget: losing (**and keeping off**) 102 pounds in a year is just simply amazing.

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  • Reply
    MissJ
    September 22, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    This is an authentic and emotionally healthy post. I do hope you will let go of any voices in your head, (from childhood maybe), of worrying about letting other people down. This is about you and the challenges you face in reaching your goals, and there are no rules about how twisty or bumpy the road getting there can be. It’s so good that you are being honest with yourself above all else. You are doing great.

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  • Reply
    Brandy Relaxing
    September 22, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    I’ve only been following your blog for a month or so, but I can’t even believe you’re disappointed in yourself! Maintaining at a consistent weight is NOT easy!

    102 pounds lost is inspirational! And the best thing is you’ll never see the 300s again! I’m sure of it!

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  • Reply
    Hyla
    September 22, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    I would guess that you have replaced fat loss with muscle gain. If clothes are fitting better than I definitely think this is the case. Keep your chin up and use this as motivation!

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  • Reply
    Jenny O
    September 22, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    You are a success story to me, with the best still to come 🙂

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  • Reply
    Sara
    September 22, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    Yes, you are still at the same weight that you were a year ago. But ask yourself, are you still the same person you were a year ago? Think of all the new experiences you’ve racked up this year, think of all the achievements you’ve accomplished, and remember it’s about more than the number on the scale. It’s about how you and your body feels. And I bet you feel a lot healthier than you did a year ago!
    The last time I weighed myself I was at 325 pounds and I imagine that wasn’t my highest, although I do feel like I’ve lost at least a few pounds recently, but I’m still scared to look and deal with the reality. And yes, I dream of the day when I’ve lost it all. But more than that, I want to ride a bike again and you’ve inspired me!

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  • Reply
    Lisa
    September 22, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    You are a total inspiration even at “only”-102 lbs. Imagine…that is like carrying my 13 year old on your back. You dumped that off! AMAZING!!!

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  • Reply
    Cathy
    September 23, 2011 at 3:29 am

    May I point out that your working out hard all year played a big part in your keeping that weight off? So maintaining that 100+ is “cool” because you learned that moving your body and strengthening it really DOES matter! Just a little aside… 🙂

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  • Reply
    Steelers6
    September 23, 2011 at 9:46 am

    “So while it would be easy to focus on the fact that I’ve only lost 102.4 pounds, I choose to focus on the fact that I’ve lost 102.4 pounds!”

    I’m also focusing on the fast that YOU KEPT ONE HUNDRED LBS OFF FOR A YEAR! Wow! Go you. That certainly counts!
    Love, Chrissy

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  • Reply
    auntiekim
    September 23, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Kenlie, you sound so much like me sometimes and we are both so hard on ourselves. I’m so proud of you. I had to have surgery to lose a lot of weight, but you were able to do it on your own. I have not regretted for a second my decision for surgery, but make no mistake that I would have preferred to lose weight without it. You’ve done an amazing job. Keep on going. Life happens, sh*t comes up and we get derailed temporarily. It happens. It sounds like you have not lost focus and are back on track now. Best of luck 🙂

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  • Reply
    Bella
    September 25, 2011 at 10:25 am

    I’m in exactly this same spot. I recently lost 19.2 pounds, and I’m at the exact same weight I was in August of 2010. Ugh! But you know what? I look much better now because my body is stronger and I’ve lost inches and toned up. And I’m sure you’ve done the same. Plus, we have learned so much about ourselves as we go through this journey. For me personally, I am glad that the weight loss has taken this turn because I needed this year to get myself together, figure a few things out, and really get to the place of “full steam ahead.”

    You’ve been through so much (good and bad) in this past year, and I know that you are focusing on the positive, because there’s a LOT to smile about.

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  • Reply
    Jill
    October 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    I get uncomfortable looking at my numbers. even tho I lost about 25 pounds…give or take. My heaviest was 260 (more when I was pregnant)…TWO SIX ZERO! wow, I’m not used to saying it. 260. 260. 260.. that doesn’t seem right?? I remember thinking 240 was too much a few years ago. how did I get up to 260. 200 would be perfect for me. 180 is ideal!! eventually! I’ll get there!

    I still a whole person and a half more than my sisters in law. They both are a perfect 110 pounds. And one of them is a fitness buff….thinking that when she weighed 119..she was losing it! We’re not friendly. At all. Not that I didn’t try. I think she has a problem with my appearance not making her look good.

    You inspire me.

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