Emotions Lifestyle Reflection Uncategorized

Inside My Heart

There’s a guy in L.A., and he’s tall, handsome, brilliant and well-spoken.  He has an appreciation for good food, culture and fitness, and he has a heart of gold.  He’s funny and dreamy and really nice to me.  And as I think about my future and what I want out of it, it’s hard not to picture him.  He is the personification of my desires, but who doesn’t want the gorgeous, extraordinary guy who treats you as if you’re the only person in his line of sight (even when you’re surrounded by beautiful people?)  Guys like him do exist, and from time to time, I’m lucky enough to know them.  But they don’t come around everyday, and when they do, everyone else wants them too.

And over the last few weeks I’ve spent far too much time thinking about the kind of person I need to be to attract someone so beautiful inside and out.  I’ve dated some pretty incredible guys, but we’ve never taken it to the next level.  I’ve never been married, and I’ve never been willing to face the reasons for that.  It’s easier to tell myself that “he just wasn’t the guy for me.”  And while I believe that’s true so far, I’m not sure if I’d recognize the guy for me if he appeared in front of me today.

So I’m allowing myself to think about the kind of girl that this guy will choose long term, and I would guess that she’ll be beautiful, intelligent, charming, talented, funny and loving.  She’ll probably also be driven and easy to be around.  Maybe she’ll cook meals for him or eat the meals he cooks for her, and she will undoubtedly be self-confident enough to know that he’s as lucky as she is.  She’ll be honest with him, let him see her at her worst and expect him to love her anyway, and he will because her beauty outweighs her flaws.

And while I’m more content to let love find me than I’ve ever been, I find myself thinking about what I can do to ready myself for it because if love found me today, I’m not sure I’d realize it.  I know that I need to realize that I’m lovable before I can believe that someone can love me.  I still have work to do within myself, and I’m doing it so I guess the rest will work itself out in time.

 

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35 Comments

  • Reply
    Deb Willbefree
    September 14, 2011 at 2:36 am

    Oh, Kenlie. You do know that the fantasy girl you described will always be that, right? I mean that girl doesn’t exist except for in the song about earning and, then, frying the bacon.

    For instance, women who are driven..I mean driven..are usually not easy to be around. And the woman who thinks her guy is lucky to have her? Well, if she thinks that, the guy’s not so lucky.

    No. The women great guys deserve will have a rich soul, a loving heart, a good mind, and an appreciation for what..and who…they have. And they’re able, at least with that one person, to be themselves–no pretense, just real.

    I’m thinking you’re pretty close to that already. Maybe some work needs to be done on the last part. Maybe not.

    Hey–did you hear that Diz is considering a move to LA?

    Deb

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm

      I do know that perfection doesn’t exist, yes…but I’m trying to be the best version of me. And, somehow, I have to start allowing myself to be real and happy within myself..been working on that one for a while.

      I hadn’t heard that about Diz, but now I’ll have to catch up with her to hear the details!

  • Reply
    Princess Dieter
    September 14, 2011 at 3:50 am

    The person who will truly love you is the person who loves YOU…not a dream of you, not a fantasy or you, not a facade of you.

    I figured I’d never marry. I wasn’t particularly lovely. I was chubby. I was neurotic. I had bad skin and bad teeth. I couldn’t point to any feature on my face and say , “This is beautiful.” I was and still am sickly. I was poor. I was traditional and religious. I had a high IQ and liked my guys SMART–scientist, engineer, creative…but smart. I mean, talk about being NICHE.

    I assumed I’d be single and never know true love.

    Then one day, he sat behind me at the movie theater. We struck up a conversation. He said, later, he was attracted to my spirit. I was cheerful, energetic, and chatting up people all over the theater. He was shyer, less chatty, though even more cheerful than me. Tall, good looking, smart. Traditional. Religious. Just like me. Turns out we wanted pretty much the same things, like many similar things, and clicked like mad. Love hit fast and hard and never faded. I finally understood all those love stories I thought were over-the-top. I finally understood why Juliet would rather die than live in a world without Romeo. I got it.

    He’s still my prince charming 29 years later. He loved me as passionately at 140 lbs as he did at 300 lbs as he does at 183 lbs, and every number in between. He loved me depressed. He loved me sick. It never altered. Real love loves the imperfect. Sees the best in you…constantly.

    This is what HE taught me. I was lovable, am lovable, and the one who loves sees all the positives even I could not.

    So, just keep your eyes open. The guy who will rock your world may not be the PERFECT guy you’re imagining. He may be handsome–or plain–or ugly by societal standards. You never know who is the one that will set your heart on fire and make your soul soar. He may not be anything like your current Mr. Ideal.

    But if he’s the one…you will never feel like you have been cheated in any way. You will just count your blessings….

    So…don’t worry so much about who you have to be. BE WHO YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE to fulfill your true inner self. The one who loves you will love…YOU.

    Nitey…

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 5:21 pm

      I’m trying to be (and trying to figure out who I want to be) so I can really be authentic to myself. Thank you for that advice…and your story is beautiful!

    • Reply
      MizFit
      September 14, 2011 at 7:01 pm

      I love this comment.

  • Reply
    Flabby McGee
    September 14, 2011 at 5:16 am

    Ok, the lady who made the last comment.. (Princess Dieter) I’m with her. I spent my life waiting for that someone. I spent my life dreaming about that someone, while laughing my butt off at Juliet and her stupid “oh I’m so sad let me kill myself now” dependency on that twit Romeo.

    Then I found my Romeo. And I would rather die than live without him. Er, rather – he found me. And 6 years later – I still feel the same. I went through a horrible first marriage, with an abusive bi-polar alcoholic. And every single boyfriend I EVER had, always “nicely” suggested I spend some time in the gym. I didn’t trust anyone.

    He’s out there for you too. He will love your pain, your weaknesses, your strength and your courage. He will love every pound you gain or lose. You’ll find him, you just have to keep your eyes -and your heart – open. (my husband found me on MySpace for pete’s sake.) Don’t let you get in the way of yourself. You seem like a pretty amazing person to me. If all your friends in the blogging community (and elsewhere) see it – then ‘the one’ , when you meet him, will see it too.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 5:26 pm

      Wow…I really can’t even grasp the whole romeo concept…I’m not even sure what to say..just wow…I know I’ve never experienced that..Maybe someday…who knows?

  • Reply
    PlumPetals
    September 14, 2011 at 7:02 am

    Coming up with strategies to find ‘the one’ or trying to prepare to be what you think ‘the one’ will want you to be is a tough challenge – mainly because you just won’t know what they’re looking for … and if the person is looking for something other than what/who you already are, then they are not the right person for you. You’ll know when you find the one — you may not know that very second, but I truly believe that as soon as you really stop thinking about things you could/should change or do or look like or become etc. etc. and just BE – that’s when you’ll know …

    And from what I know of you so far through your blog – you’d be an amazing person to be around 🙂

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:40 pm

      I don’t want to change who I am in order to find someone…Instead, I want to be the kind of person who deserves someone with a heart of gold…that’s whatI’m thinking. P)

  • Reply
    Big Girl Bombshell
    September 14, 2011 at 7:19 am

    If love found you today…Kenlie, sweetie.. love doesn’t FIND you…Love is not nothing you can search for or capture. From my own experience, love happens. It just does..and it comes in many forms and levels.

    And it happens when you least expect it and it is not something you can plan for or second guess. You also cannot second guess what THEY want. You can only focus on the YOU that YOU want and the rest all will fall into place.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:42 pm

      Well, when it happens, I want to feel worthy of it…I guess that’s where my focus needs to be..sigh….<3 you Jules!

  • Reply
    Nancy
    September 14, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Seems you go through this periodically Kenlie. You’re feeling lonely again and figuring you need to work on yourself to “attract” the partner you think would be perfect for you. You DO need to work on yourself, as we all do ~ to become the BEST YOU that you can be. All of the comments before mine have said it nicely. You need to be yourself, and work on growing better every day. Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Right is out there and when the timing is right, he will appear. If you were being a recluse you couldn’t expect HIM to appear at your door ~ but you are INVOLVED in life, many areas and you will know when you meet him. You’ve heard all this before but sometime we need to be reminded.
    N~

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 9:24 pm

      Yep..I think about my love life periodically…true…but this blog is proof that I’m working on myself for me…

      Maybe you’re right, in that, I’ll meet him at some point…I’m not sure when or where which isn’t as important to me now as loving myself…kind of the point of my post though I may not have articulated it well.

  • Reply
    Chubby McGee
    September 14, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Let’s break this down:

    “So I’m allowing myself to think about the kind of girl that this guy will choose long term, and I would guess that she’ll be beautiful, intelligent, charming, talented, funny and loving.” (You. You. You. You. You. You.)

    She’ll probably also be driven and easy to be around. (You. You.)

    Maybe she’ll cook meals for him or eat the meals he cooks for her, and she will undoubtedly be self-confident enough to know that he’s as lucky as she is. (You. You.)

    She’ll be honest with him, let him see her at her worst and expect him to love her anyway, and he will because her beauty outweighs her flaws. (You. You.)

    Yea…you’ve got this, babycakes. You’re it. If a guy doesn’t choose you then he’s the BIGGEST IDIOT in the entire world. You’re amazing. Any guy would be SUPER lucky to have you. Don’t ever forget that.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:47 pm

      I just adore you…that is all. <3

  • Reply
    Lisa
    September 14, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I got married twice because of the wrong reasons. The first time I was was just thrilled someone thought enough of me to ask. He was a total Mama’s boy and expected me to bascially mother him. Uh..no. The second time was to a guy who was all into rodeo & stuff like that (and strongly resembles Tim McGraw, but with no talent). Once I had my daughter & obviously couldn’t go to the bar every night & play buckle bunny with him – that was over. I moved back home and just was myself. I figured if a guy couldn’t accept me for who I am, then he’s not worth it. I wasn’t pretending anymore.
    Then one day my computer crashed & the guy who came over to fix it walked into my apartment to see me, barefoot & no makeup, chasing a naked 3 year old to get her dressed & he said he knew he was going to marry me. He’s not like anyone I’d ever dated before. He’s shorter than me, chubby & a huge nerd – and I love him with all my heart. We’ve been together almost 10 years now.
    So, I think if you just be yourself & do our own thing & don’t care about what anyone else thinks or may want – you’ll do fine.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:51 pm

      I like the end of your story……love it, in fact….Thanks for sharing it.

  • Reply
    Kelly, Future Thin Girl
    September 14, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Oh, my dear sweet friend, I’m going to tell you something that you’ve told me very recently. I wish you could see yourself as I see you.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:52 pm

      Awwwwwwww I just want to hug you right now….guess I’ll have to settle for hugging you soon!

  • Reply
    Robby
    September 14, 2011 at 11:16 am

    I’ve been there before…
    I think one of the bigger points to make is in the addition of the word “let”

    Would you let yourself see the right guy, would you let him see you?

    It’s not just about the preparation, it’s about the permission — to let yourself be open to the possibilities means you have to let your guard down and let someone in.

    And that is very effing hard to do.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:52 pm

      I’m not good at letting my guard down at all…

  • Reply
    Amanda
    September 14, 2011 at 11:19 am

    What Chubby McGee said. And then some.

    I’d been through two disastrous marriages (yes, two, count ’em, TWO, because I have mad skills when it comes to picking abusive twits it would seem). After divorce #2 I had decided not to get married again. It was too risky. After all, although I didn’t cause my exes’ behavior, one thing that was a commonality in the relationships was *me*, and I had to figure out why I kept choosing people who ultimately only wanted me broken.

    Furthermore, I now had two children to consider. Two children whose lives would be directly impacted by anyone I chose to make a permanent part of my life. So… no, thank you. Just no.

    And then I met my now-husband. He was kind, consistently. And he just kept being kind. And my kids adored him.

    And I do too. And he’s still kind. Okay, and other stuff too 😉

    He’s out there, Kenlie. You’re awesome. And he’ll find you.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:53 pm

      Maybe he’ll find me…I guess we’ll see….

  • Reply
    teresa
    September 14, 2011 at 11:29 am

    this is such an honest post and really touches me. I recognize so much of what you say in myself (my youth).
    You’ve inpsired some amazing stories in the comments too.
    I just want to say that I hope you manifest exactly the relationship you desire.
    Remember that you already are all those wonderful and worthy things and you can be all of your true self even while you’re working on getting healthy and fit.
    And keep your eyes and heart open. “He” might be coming sooner than you think. xoxo

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

      I’m not all of those things, but I’m several…and I want to work on the rest for me…and for him..

  • Reply
    Mandy
    September 14, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    I really loved this post, and it gave me more insight into you than I’ve had before. I love how bare and honest it is. And Kenlie? You are 100% correct about one thing for sure: “I know that I need to realize that I’m lovable before I can believe that someone can love me.” It’s so true…BUT what’s awesome is? Sometimes that Man will show up in your life before you’ve even achieved that, and he will HELP you find new and exciting ways to love yourself (that…sounded dirtier than I meant it to…Oh well, I stand by it! hehe). I didn’t love myself nearly as much as I should have when I met Michael, and it’s taken almost 10 years for me to figure out WHY he sticks around.

    So just promise me you won’t sell yourself short, m’kay? B/c you? Are AMAZING. <3

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:55 pm

      I promise to try not to sell myself short……((((((((hugs))))))))

  • Reply
    KCLAnderson (Karen)
    September 14, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I can’t really add more than what everyone else has already said, but I will say, when you least expect it…expect it.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 6:55 pm

      Well, hmm…..I certainly wish for it, but I don’t expect it any time soon…

  • Reply
    Jill
    September 14, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    I decided to put fate into my own hands. I met my fiance, Miguel…. on an online dating site 🙂 5 years later we have a beautiful little boy and are hoping to expect another soon. I am a firm believer things happen for a reason, and always when you least expect. Still…..sometimes fate could use a little push ;p

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 11:36 pm

      Jill..that’s awesome! =0) I love your response….<3

  • Reply
    Corinthe
    September 14, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    I’m like Jill-I met my husband online. I was just looking for someone to date and I distinctly remember telling my friends that I wanted someone who wanted to hang out with me, just be with me. (and all the other requisites: humour, caring, intelligence-not so hung up on looks oddly.) We’ve been married 2 years and together for 4. It happens, whether you are ready or not and all you have to do is enjoy the ride. When you find each other, he’s going to love the person you are right in that moment, and even if you don’t feel like you’re done working on yourself, he’s going to love you through those changes too. It happens all the time, you just have to be open to it. 🙂

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 11:37 pm

      I’m going to try to be open to it……try..try…try….

  • Reply
    Laurie
    September 14, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    byoo-tee-full
    you and this post!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 14, 2011 at 11:37 pm

      You too Laurie! Thank you! (((((hugs)))))

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