Sharing and Over Sharing…Again…

If you read my blog at all, you know that I’ve been struggling for the better part of a year.  I’ve been trying to muddle through some things mentally while carving out my place in the world without regaining the weight I lost before life got tough.  I feel like the girl who “isn’t quite living up to her potential,” and more often than I’d like to admit, I wonder why any of you still take time to support and encourage me.  (For the record, I’m glad you do.  I don’t know what I’d do without you.)

I’ve shared (and over shared) about my struggles and hopes and fears, and the only thing I know is that something has to change.  Lots of things need to change, and I’m  trying.  I’ve been trying.  I left L.A. last week, removing myself from what seemed to be a dangerous situation, and it was definitely a good move.  But here I am again wondering what life has in store for me, questioning myself and what I want while facing some major feelings of failure.

It’s obvious that I’ve made great strides – dig into my archives or look at my progress photos.  But it’s also obvious that I’m stalled and unsure of how to proceed.  I love working out, and I like all kinds of workouts so it’s easy to keep my body confused.  But the food part is harder for me.

I’ve been preparing for a change in my eating habits – less processed foods, more veggies, less salt, etc.  But I haven’t actually made the change.  The fridge is filled with produce – carrots, cabbage, spinach, onions, peppers, zucchini, spaghetti squash, white nectarines, apples and peaches.  There are bananas on the counter, but the tofu went into the trash.  (I’ve decided against eating it again until I’ve studied it more in depth.)  I have beans in the cupboard and absolutely no excuse for not eating in the way that I say I want to.

I’m not putting weight on, but I’m still closer to 300 pounds than 200 pounds.  And I want to be far, far away from both….(You know, 100’s.)  So today I’ve decided to take the leap.  I’m going to focus on eating 90% whole foods – vegetables, fruits, maybe an ounce of raw nuts at some point, beans and maybe 1/2 c of brown rice at dinner too.

I also have a plan to get back to the basics this week.  If you go back to day two of my blog, you’ll see that I talked about how Weight Watchers was about to change my life.  And it did.  Going to meetings and tracking my points helped me reach my first major milestone so I’m going back.  I’ve been using e-tools (here and there) for a few months, but the accountability of the meetings played an incredible role in the first part of this journey.  And while I seem to have been all over the country in the last year, Weight Watchers is all over the country too (and the world really) so there’s no reason I can’t find a good meeting right now.

I’m also going back to therapy.  I saw a therapist regularly during the first year, and I still have a lot to work through. And while I don’t know how long I’ll be here (in Louisiana) I know that I need to start reclaiming victory within myself right now.

Losing weight is mental.  Craving Lucky Charms or Chinese food is mental.  I don’t need it to survive or to be happy,  and I seem to have forgotten that I can control my thoughts.  I can’t control every situation or the actions of others, but  I can face my feelings (even the negative ones) without bringing pizza into the picture.

We all have one life, and sometimes I wonder if the best days have already come and gone.  But the truth is that I’m 31 years old, and by losing the first 100 pounds and making my heart healthy, I have probably extended my life (and quality of life) more than I realize.  And I’m going to keep reminding myself (as long as it takes) that it’s okay that life is just getting started.

 

 

43 thoughts on “Sharing and Over Sharing…Again…

  1. wow. Excellent stuff. I struggle all the time, mentally. If I even THINK cheeseburger – I can’t rest until I have one. It never stops. I’m over 300 pounds and scared for my health, and I’m 33. I didn’t expect to think about longevity of life until I was at least 65. I think all the time that it’s just too late, I’m to old to care or change. But you’re right – it’s ok that life is just getting started. I couldn’t have put it better. Thanks for a great post with honest feelings. Keep it up!! :)

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    • You are 33, and your life is just starting too. And if it’s okay for you (and I’ve decided it is) then it’s okay for you too. I would imagine that there are beautiful things about you that you don’t see yourself. Look for those things..I’m going to look for them in myself too.

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  2. I promise you that your best days are yet to come. 31 is SO young!! I met my husband at 38 and had my daughter at 42. It’s all relative. Getting fit at your age will make a huge difference.
    You’ve already done so much. You can definitely do it again.
    If weight watchers worked for you before then that seems like a good place to start.
    If I may suggest… with the whole foods plan… don’t leave out the fats. This was one thing I’ve only just learned. It makes a big difference. Complex carbs and healthy fats.
    And one more thing that I”ve just come to realize… I’m not so sure it is mental anymore. I used to think that too. I believed that I just wasn’t trying hard enough or willing myself past my cravings.. but I had a micronutrient blood panel done and it turned out that I’m really deficient in a couple of odd things, Chromium, Selenium, Asparagine (an amino acid) that are big factors in sugar metabolism, fatigue, etc…
    I’m just starting the supplements and we’ll see what happens, but some of it makes me wonder how much control I really did have. I know for sure that I seem to be able to “choose” at the moment and for too long I didn’t feel like I could.
    Just a thought.
    You’re young, You’re beyond beautiful and you have it all ahead of you.
    Have fun starting this new phase.

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    • I’ve been reminding myself all day not to leave out fats thanks to your advice. :) I think I’m going to eat leans meats too and nuts (though not more than an ounce of nuts at a time.) We’ll see how it goes and how it plays into my WW weigh-ins in the coming weeks.

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  3. Wow, Kenlie….as always, you say EXACTLY what I’m thinking! Thank you for sharing your ups AND downs…it lets me know I’m not alone. However, let’s both get on the upswing, kay? Lotsa love! :)

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  4. You left LA? I thought you loved it there? Are you going to mention in any depth why you made that decision? Kinda seems like you didn’t really give LA a chance….

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    • I don’t think I’ll talk about it for a while though I’m sure I will at some point. As I said, I left what seemed to be a dangerous situation. And my heart is somewhere else anyway so I’m working on a better plan…but first, trying to work on myself some more…

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  5. Thank you for sharing what you are going through right now, Kenlie – I love reading your blog and it helps me know I’m not alone in this weight and body image struggle. I’m going to start therapy too, this time (as opposed to the other times I’ve tried it) focusing specifically on my disordered eating and struggles with food. I look forward to reading more about how things are going with you – don’t worry about over sharing :)

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    • I’m going to spill it all in therapy. It seems that one issue is connected to the other at least for me so we’ll see how it goes over time….good luck to you.

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  6. I read your blog almost daily but I’ve never commented before. (Blame it on my shy personality). I related to you and everything you have been going through so much (weight related, work, relationships, struggling to find myself and what I should be doing with my life).

    I hope this isn’t being too nosey, but I am so curious to know more about why you left LA. Why did you decided to move to Louisiana? Are you planning on going to school? (I thought you were going to go to school in California).

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    • I came here because my family is here. I’ll just attend a different school. Maybe I’ll elaborate later, but for now, I have to focus on moving forward because looking back kind of pisses me off.

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  7. I came across your blog while I was desperately reading every article I came across after typing in “why doesn’t Point Plus work for me”.

    Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. I know what you mean… it is all MENTAL. It’s a mind game. For example, I start my weekend strong, and it finishes in disaster. Cupcakes and candy on a saturday, then pizza and ice cream on Sunday? Really? C’mon. I know better! It’s like I don’t allow myself to make the right choices. Self sabotage? It’s definitely mental, and it can definitely be conquered. We can do this!
    P.s. 31 is YOUNG! I’m 33! We’re still young! :)

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  8. Kenlie, I’m so glad you wrote this. I read through GoogleReader and so I don’t always come to comment (and I really, really should, I owe you that!) but I just had to tell you that I am so glad you got out of LA and whatever it was that was going on there. Your safety really matters.

    I’m also glad you’re going back to WW and doing what you know works. The best *is* yet to come and I know you’ll find your equilibrium and do great things. I can’t wait to watch and follow in your footsteps!!!

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  9. This post really struck a chord with me, watching you openly struggle and re-group like that – I guess all of us who are trying to lose a lotta weight have to perfect the art of re-grouping, over and over again. I think it’s a great idea to go back to therapy. Do whatever you know is going to help.
    Whatever the past, whatever your past expectations of yourself, it doesn’t matter. Whenever you reach your target you’re going to look back on this time in your life as the time when you struggled and fought and won through to get to the next stage, and you’ll be grateful to yourself for making the changes you’re about to make.

    You’re awesome, and you’re right where you’re supposed to be, taking the next step.

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    • Thank you for being so supportive. I know you’re right, and I’m trying to remind myself of that now. It’s not easy, but I’m not giving up.

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  10. I am exactly like you, I love working out but my diet is not the greatest. I tend to be a binge eater and for the past 2 months I have been losing and gaining the same 2-3 pounds. I have set my mind to it that I am going to lose the weight and reach my goal as this was just a short detour from my weight loss journey.

    What you said about wanting certain foods is just mental really hit home with me. You are right, I don’t need to order Chinese food to be happy and usually it makes me even unhappier after I eat it b/c I feel bad for eating it. Good luck and I’ll be cheering you on.

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  11. 31 is still so young. That is around the age I was when I started to make the changes and take the steps that led to some of the happiest years for me. The 30s are great. 33 to 39 have been awesome for me. i had a bit of a set back at around 32ish due to a break up but got back on track after a few bad months. It’s all ahead of you: the rest of your weight loss journey, love, relationships, work projects, adventures etc., kids (if you want them). It is not at all too late. It really never is. People support you because they identify with you and relate to you, by the way and because you seem lovely.

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  12. Hi Kenlie!
    Wherever you are you will succeed…but you know that, right? So happy you’re going back to WW…just think… we are lifers…and can’t wait for the day when we don’t have to pay anymore! You’re not alone…I’m right there holding your hand! MUAH!

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  13. So agree that the best is yet to come…I’m only 4 years ahead of you, but I can attest that life just seems to get better as the years go by! I think your plan is solid – healthy, whole foods + meetings + therapy will eventually equal you conquering your weight…not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The only failure is in quitting, so keep it up, Kenlie!

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  14. I have been a creeper/follower for a while. Girl – this post was like I wrote it myself! You are not alone! Weight loss/dieting/healthy…it is all mental! Just yesterday I was telling my husband that I know better but sometimes I still make the same stupid (in my case) decisions. Keep working hard and you’ll get where you want to me. Love your blog and knowing there are others out there like me!

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  15. Aww thanks for sharing…lots of love and support heading your way. If you are not in LA where are your travels taking you (or did I read this wrong and it was a particular situation). I have found that therapy is something that you need to sometimes go back to. I started a while go, thought I was good to go and then several months later realized that I needed to get back into the swing of things and head back. I have found that it is has been integral in my healthiness journey. Also, to comment on a previous post, you might want to think about “clean eating” I have done done weight watchers with great sucess but just started to get bored with it and figure out ways to cheat on my points (eating crap for my points, not the good stuff) so I am trying a new way of thinking of eating clean. So far so good!

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  16. You are doing the really hard work right now and you are not a failure. If you stayed in the “bad situation” you would not be taking care of you. I feel like I am in a fight with my mind and body right now too … this is not easy. Right now, I just want to be under the stupid 350! (I keep fluctuating between the 62 and 55 …)

    Your blog is great … and many people benefit from it – really it’s helped me open up about stuff I never never never talk about. I am glad you over-share! I hope this is the start of a good stretch so you can re-juice and refocus. It’s making it through these down patches that is the big deal in this journey.

    XOXO,
    Nina

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  17. Hi Kenlie! I am new to your blog, but it is certainly something I relate to. Something I could add to the comments: I have lost 35 pounds and kept it off for almost 5 years now, but then stopped losing weight. And I know why. Because my lifestyle changes did not support maintaining a bigger loss. I’m now trying to add to what I’ve already successfully done (and you have successfully done a good weight loss too) to make new lifestyle changes. We’ve already been successful, but now have to tweak it a little harder.

    :-) Marion

    P.S. I have you on my Blogger reading list now.

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  18. Can I recommend Clean Eating!! There are several books and magazines dedicated to this lifestyle! It has changed my whole outlook on food! :)

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  19. I don’t really have anything to add – you have a solid plan and a track record of being able to follow one. I just wanted to let you know that I’m reading and on your side. :)

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  20. Just find your way. You’ve been making big mega changes and sharing it with us folk. Keep private what you need to keep private for yourself. I think you are on to something..string along some personal victories. Maybe less major changes for a while.?

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  21. Proud of you for considering WW mtgs again. I say that bc I know it was a big part of your success/support system. I hope you find a great group of ppl.

    Thanks for the transparency here. I thought it was very nice of you to share any of this recent challenge with us. [Surprised that even with what you chose to discuss with us, some ppl still ask you for more info...]

    In any case, know that we all wish you well. Prayers being said for you tonight. No giving up on any of your goals & desires, sweetie! Chrissy

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  22. You can do it, you can do it, you can do it! One of the things I love so much about your blog is your honestly. You’ve come so far – I really think that your love of exercise is an accomplishment in itself. People don’t have to be overweight to be unhealthy. As North Americans we have very sedentary lives and it’s only getting worse! You have a whole support network here that believes in you – I”m sure with your following you could go to almost anywhere and find a reader who would love to go to they gym with you and cook a healthy meal together (which, by the way, if you ever find yourself in the middle of nowhere Canada aka Saskatchewan, let me know :P) You will do it!

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  23. I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time. It sucks when these periods come, and it’s hard to see past it to the other side. I’m glad to see that you are resolved to get back to business.

    Also, someone else has mentioned this already, but it’s important enough to repeat: check out your nutrient and vitamin intake levels, or make sure you’re getting all the proper nutrients. Because your body will crave them, and you’ll just be hungry/craving all the time. Better to set yourself up for success and give your body the nutrients before it can start with the cravings!

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  24. Girl, I’m so sorry things didn’t work out in LA – we’re all dying to know though, what happened?!? It was a big build up, looked like you were doing great and then blam – gone! You are never oversharing girl!

    I had a lot of success with WW, made it to goal and became a LT member back in my early twenties. I can’t afford the time or the money anymore so I’m calorie counting, but it’s taking me SO MUCH LONGER. I’m down 40 lbs in 1 1/2 years but to put things into perspective, I only have 14 more lbs to goal. I can afford the time – need to, I have two young daughters. I guess I’m kinda jealous of the freedom you have :)

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  25. I went back to WW 6 weeks ago. I was attempting WW at home with e-tools but not losing anything. I need the meetings. I need to know that every week I step on that scale I’m accountable for everything that I have put into my mouth that week. I also have a weight loss buddy who attends the weekly meetings with me. Knowing I have someone who counts on me is also a big help. I’m giving myself a year to lose the weight. I will be 40 next year and I want to be healthy, smaller and feel great!

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  26. Believe me when I say, the best days have NOT come and gone. Everything is a choice…you can do this. “There is gold in them hills…”

    Ann

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  27. I’m glad you’re doing what you need to to take care of yourself. That’s so important. I’ve felt like you many times, even in the last month, about not living up to my full potential. The best way I know to start feeling like I’m doing all I can on this journey is to just DO something – eat better, move my body – something. And you’re definitely doing things, so I think you’re going to be just fine.

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  28. Hi Kenlie!

    I’m a lurker of your blog and this is the first time I’ve commented. I have to say, you are truly inspiring. I love coming back to my Google Reader every day and seeing a new post.

    I find myself in a similar situation to yours… But, I’m not eating healthy or working out regularly (like I used to) and I want things to change NOW (of course) I give you all the props in the world for moving out to LA, giving it a shot and removing yourself from a bad situation. I’m going through some stuff now and I just want to escape where I am, but I’m scared. I picked up and moved here five years ago and I feel trapped… I want to move to Chicago and start over tomorrow, but I just don’t know how to take those first steps. And I feel like a total failure.

    You’re so positive and I am behind you 100% on your journey. You’re not alone and, seriously, the best days are yet to be had! Even through the muck of my own insecurities and doubts, I have faith that I can make things better for myself – through therapy, positive thinking, good eatin’ and exercises that’ll clear my foggy noggin’

    Keep on keepin’ on!! we got you girl :)

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