If you read my blog at all, you know that I’ve been struggling for the better part of a year. I’ve been trying to muddle through some things mentally while carving out my place in the world without regaining the weight I lost before life got tough. I feel like the girl who “isn’t quite living up to her potential,” and more often than I’d like to admit, I wonder why any of you still take time to support and encourage me. (For the record, I’m glad you do. I don’t know what I’d do without you.)
I’ve shared (and over shared) about my struggles and hopes and fears, and the only thing I know is that something has to change. Lots of things need to change, and I’m trying. I’ve been trying. I left L.A. last week, removing myself from what seemed to be a dangerous situation, and it was definitely a good move. But here I am again wondering what life has in store for me, questioning myself and what I want while facing some major feelings of failure.
It’s obvious that I’ve made great strides – dig into my archives or look at my progress photos. But it’s also obvious that I’m stalled and unsure of how to proceed. I love working out, and I like all kinds of workouts so it’s easy to keep my body confused. But the food part is harder for me.
I’ve been preparing for a change in my eating habits – less processed foods, more veggies, less salt, etc. But I haven’t actually made the change. The fridge is filled with produce – carrots, cabbage, spinach, onions, peppers, zucchini, spaghetti squash, white nectarines, apples and peaches. There are bananas on the counter, but the tofu went into the trash. (I’ve decided against eating it again until I’ve studied it more in depth.) I have beans in the cupboard and absolutely no excuse for not eating in the way that I say I want to.
I’m not putting weight on, but I’m still closer to 300 pounds than 200 pounds. And I want to be far, far away from both….(You know, 100′s.) So today I’ve decided to take the leap. I’m going to focus on eating 90% whole foods – vegetables, fruits, maybe an ounce of raw nuts at some point, beans and maybe 1/2 c of brown rice at dinner too.
I also have a plan to get back to the basics this week. If you go back to day two of my blog, you’ll see that I talked about how Weight Watchers was about to change my life. And it did. Going to meetings and tracking my points helped me reach my first major milestone so I’m going back. I’ve been using e-tools (here and there) for a few months, but the accountability of the meetings played an incredible role in the first part of this journey. And while I seem to have been all over the country in the last year, Weight Watchers is all over the country too (and the world really) so there’s no reason I can’t find a good meeting right now.
I’m also going back to therapy. I saw a therapist regularly during the first year, and I still have a lot to work through. And while I don’t know how long I’ll be here (in Louisiana) I know that I need to start reclaiming victory within myself right now.
Losing weight is mental. Craving Lucky Charms or Chinese food is mental. I don’t need it to survive or to be happy, and I seem to have forgotten that I can control my thoughts. I can’t control every situation or the actions of others, but I can face my feelings (even the negative ones) without bringing pizza into the picture.
We all have one life, and sometimes I wonder if the best days have already come and gone. But the truth is that I’m 31 years old, and by losing the first 100 pounds and making my heart healthy, I have probably extended my life (and quality of life) more than I realize. And I’m going to keep reminding myself (as long as it takes) that it’s okay that life is just getting started.