I’m not an expert on weight-loss, but I’ve lost enough to know it’s possible, even for me. And I struggle to find a balance between sharing that message with everyone I know and actively staying quiet about it. Changing the way I eat and how I exercise changed my life about two years ago, but if you read my blog you know that it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses for me. The first hundred was relatively easy while the second has been a big struggle. I’m still struggling to make headway, and I’m not giving up though it would be easier to do than I’m ready to admit.
After seeing my 4.8 pound gain this week (you know, the one that I fully expected to see when I weighed in last night) I found myself thinking about some things that I shared with someone earlier this week. Actually, I’ve talked about it a few times this week – once at dinner with a new friend and once during a Skype call with another person who matters to me. Both of these people are winning the battle against weight-loss themselves so they understand what I went through in losing the first big segment of weight.
But this week, I’ve come to realize that most people (even these people and others who care about me) really can’t fully understand the battle I’m facing now. They know what it’s like to look at a gigantic mountain and think “how am I going to climb that?” But I don’t think many people can imagine looking up from the bottom of my personal Everest only to realize that the top is so high up that I still can’t see it – even after trying to desperately to climb it for so long.
When referring to my size, I typically use the word ‘overweight’ because it’s nicer than ‘fat’ and isn’t as gross as ‘obese.” But the truth is that I was much more than merely overweight when I started…I was super obese, and I’m still obese now. And throughout this journey I’ve struggled with anger at God and the world…I’ve felt resentment toward those who have weight problems that are far less severe than mine and jealousy toward those who don’t seem to struggle with weight at all. And mostly, I’ve hated myself for making it this way. I mean, I did it. I talk about taking responsibility all the time, but there’s a fine line between taking responsibility and wallowing in shame.
I often feel as though the last year of my life was wasted. I think about how I could be approaching my ultimate goal by now if I hadn’t allowed my emotions and my circumstances to affect me, but they did. And I’ve learned so much about myself in the last year. I’ve learned who I want to be, and it has also become painfully obvious that I wasn’t happy with who I was. Again, this isn’t new information if you’ve read my blog before.
It’s hard to admit that I still struggle as much as I do, but it’s the truth (and something I haven’t always been so willing to admit.) Seeing a gain on the scale this week after the amount of effort I put in at the gym left me feeling completely deflated even though I expected it. But that’s not the end of the story. If losing weight was as easy as the weight-loss industry wants to make us think it is, then we’d all be thin by now. We wouldn’t struggle for days or weeks or years. We’d walk down a straight, flat, obstacle-free road, and there would be no story to tell at all.
The truth is that I have to keep trying. I have to accept the numbers on the scale (which do matter to me) and understand that if I want to see something different next week, I’ll have to do something different. Working out is a huge part of the equation, but what we put into our bodies will definitely be reflected as well. So over the next 7 days, I’m going to make some big changes – again. I’m going to workout, eat at home as often as possible and reduce the amount of processed foods I’m eating again. I did that in the month of September, and I felt great. I made a choice to retreat to processed foods that were low in nutrients for about 10 days, and I paid for it. I’m still paying for it.
But it’s a new day, a new week and a new opportunity for me to do my best again. I’m not perfect, and my journey will never be one of perfection. But I can proudly say that I haven’t given up, and I won’t.
**And the winner of the KitchenAid blender is………Entry #131, Daisy. Daisy, I’ll e-mail you shortly, and you’ll have 48 hours to respond with your details before a new winner is chosen. Thanks to everyone who participated! =)**