I’m finally starting to dig out of the hole I’ve been in during the last couple of weeks, and while I have used feeling guilty about feeling happy as an excuse to eat poorly and skip workouts over the last several days, I’m done. That line of thinking isn’t getting me anywhere (that I want to be) so everything starts new right now.
Last week, I expressed to Cal that I felt bloated and completely yucky because I had eaten crap for a few days in a row which was really, more accurately, a few weeks in a row. And he offered to help me turn it around if I wanted him to, and he started by reminding my how much I love egg whites and veggies Sunday morning. We were in a rush to get to Uncle W’s memorial service, but instead of grabbing marshmallow treats, he helped me chop zucchini and tomatoes for egg white omelets to go. My day started strong, but it went downhill when I saw the cupcakes at the dinner after the memorial. I ate the cupcake with the understanding that I was emotionally eating it and decided that my next decision would be healthy.
Monday, I experienced a flawless day of eating. Everything I ate was unprocessed, and I ate more vegetables than I ate in the week prior (maybe not literally.) Eating that way makes me feel phenomenal, by the way. And my intake yesterday wasn’t as bad as the week prior, but there’s a lot of room for improvement today. For lunch, I ate out then Cal made a delicious dinner for me featuring some of my favorite things – chicken breast, spinach, garlic, etc over a little penne pasta. It was delicious, and I was totally giddy and focused on him for hours in spite of a few interruptions. He lives two hours away, but we both get good gas mileage (thankfully) so I get to see him pretty often, and I have to say that I really like this guy. Just saying.
My weigh-in isn’t until tomorrow, but I’m restarting now. I have to. I want to. Stepping on the scale will not be a pleasant experience tomorrow, but I’d still rather own up to it than hide from it. I hid for a long time – from the mirror, from the scale…and that’s not how I do things now. That unhappy girl who lived with shame for years left when I began this journey in 2009, and she’s not coming back. Today is a new day, and I’m hitting my internal reset button right now.
In September, I thought I was back on track, and I was. Then life threw another big, emotional curve ball, and I turned to food and exhibited some habits that I’m not proud of…but guess what. I can reverse my habits again, and I will keep working on the inside (through my WW meetings, my therapy sessions and some good ‘ole self-reflection) to understand why I still turn to food during sad times, happy times, anytime… And I’ll be working through it in jeans that are a size smaller. I bought a new pair of jeans yesterday that were a size smaller than my last pair that are almost identical! After trying on several pairs in my new size, I accepted that my body is shrinking again. And that is so encouraging!
Last week, my friend Jodi, asked me if I was a compulsive eater. (She has lost as much as I need to lose, and kept it off!) And I said that I really wasn’t sure so probably not, but maybe I am. Maybe it’s been obvious to everyone except me. Either way, I’m going to keep working on my relationship with food. And I’m going to keep digging until I understand why I thought I could be comforted by it even when I was comforted by my family and a tall, brilliant guy who was willing to hug me and kiss away my tears all weekend.
While I’ve reflected on these things, I’ve been at the gym this week, and I’ve been on my bike. And I love being on that bicycle so I am setting some new bike focused goals for the week in addition to my cardio and weights habit.
I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying……….and I’m going to keep trying.