I spend a lot of time reflecting on my relationship with food, my daily habits and my self-worth. I constantly remind myself that I’ve come a long way…that I’m strong enough to do this…And yet, after all this time, I still don’t understand why (or how) food consumes my mind so much from day to day.
I constantly crave cupcakes – constantly. Sometimes I want to look at them (cupcake shaped items like candles, cookie jars, etc.) Other times, I want to wear them (note my apron or the Tiffany cupcake charm on my bracelet.) Sometimes I want to bake them, but I always want to eat them. I do not eat cupcakes (and/or other sweet snacks) nearly as often as I day dream about them, but I do want to figure out how and why my mind lusts after rich, decadent, cream cheese frosted mini cakes of deliciousness on such a regular basis. (See? I’m doing it again!)
Is it my love for new York (the place in which I developed my cupcake habit?) Is it because cupcakes are so often associated with happy events like holidays, birthdays and parties?
For many years, I assumed that my love for sweet treats and other junk food came from a lack of romance and physical affection…I assumed that I was using food to compensate for the things I wanted and didn’t quite have, but I had a realization recently (yep, facing facts again) that it’s not true. These days, I’m struggling with my food intake. We all know that. But I’m not eating because I’m sad…I’m not eating because I’m stressed or because I feel like something is missing. I don’t really know why I crave more than I need, but I still do. I’m still chasing my personal “a ha moment!”
Since I started dating Cal a few months ago, I’ve been showered with attention, compliments and kisses. (Don’t worry Cal…I won’t go into too much detail after this post.) I know he thinks about me, misses me when I’m not around, etc. He’s not afraid to show affection for me in public, but he’s happy to show affection privately too. In short, I know our feelings are mutual which means that my cupcake lust theory (craving food because I lack a mental and physical connection with someone who matters to me) is completely off base.
I crave physical affection (yes, I’m talking about sex and everything that goes along with it in a serious relationship,) but I still crave cupcakes too. When I think about Cal – how excited I am to see him…how much fun we’ll have – I sometimes find myself thinking that it will be even better if we stop at Menchie’s for fro-yo or Whole Foods for salad, brie and a baguette. I don’t understand why my mind reacts that way, but I hope to figure it out at some point.
Life feels pretty damn good right now. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. But I still have goals, and I still have some hurdles to cross. I’m thankful that the man I crave wants me today, but I’m also thankful that he willingly offers his support (by making healthier choices himself and creating healthy and satisfying meals for me from time to time.)
I have some habits that I need to change, but I’m an intelligent, capable person who doesn’t quit so I’m going to keep fighting this personal battle with food. I am determined to win it so today I’m going to focus on enjoying things in life that matter reminding myself that I don’t have to understand my cravings to control them.
How do you handle intense, recurring cravings? Am I the only one who has ever experienced food lust?