Can Obesity Be Sexy?

by Kenlie Tiggeman on January 4, 2012

Being a plus-size girl has its challenges.  Piecing together fabulous outfits is harder (though it’s definitely easier for plus-size girls now than it was a decade ago.)  Working out is harder (I’ve talked about the side effects of tough workouts before even though I don’t regret them.)  And feeling desirable is harder too.

When a guy wants me, it’s not because of my body.  He wants me in spite of my body.  And while having a boyfriend who finds himself attracted to my sexy brain is awesome, I can’t help but wonder how incredible it would be if the outside were sexy too.  And that concept is completely foreign to me.

Some people say that “sexy” is a state of mind, but that’s not true inside my sexy brain.  Obesity isn’t sexy to  me, and I’m obese.  I hate using that term because it sounds so derogatory, but it’s the truth (even if I’m doing what I can to change it. )  And I wish it were different.  I wish I was different.

I’m not saying that I don’t have days in which I feel pretty.  I do.  I had a lot more of them when I weighed 10 pounds or so less than I do now, and I know I’ll probably have them again. And I feel cute a lot.  I wear cute clothes and quality make-up.  I have straight, pearly white teeth and full lips.  I know I’m not hideous, but I’ve never felt sexy...ever

I feel cute with braids in my hair...

I give myself pep talks.  I stare at myself in the mirror when my make-up is freshly applied, and I eat it up (yeah, I caught the pun) when Cal kisses my ears or my nose and tells me how cute I am which he often does.  But those things don’t make me sexy.  And if being sexy means having the right attitude then I’m in trouble because I don’t know how to change my attitude.

I will reach my health and weight goals someday, but what should I do until then?  Should I tell the world that “I am sexy the way I am, and if you don’t agree, forget you?”  Should I go back to thinking  “I don’t like how I look so why should anyone else?”  Is there a healthier middle-ground somewhere that I’m missing?

Are you plus-size?  If so, do you have insecurities about how you look? (Sorry folks…I love you all, but this question is directed to those who are similar in size to me right now.)  How do you feel about you body image?  Do you have a healthy perception of yourself?  Do you believe it when others say you’re sexy?  Do they say it?

 

 

{ 57 comments… read them below or add one }

Erin January 4, 2012 at 12:10 am

I’ve lost over 180 pounds and I can definitively say, I don’t feel sexy. I doubt I ever will. I’m proud of my accomplishments, but I’m still usually the fattest person in the room.

My husband tells me I’m pretty all the time…that doesn’t mean I believe him. I don’t know if he’s ever used the word sexy. I’m betting he has, but I’ve just blocked it out. I’ve learned to nod and smile and roll my eyes internally. It’s all me/in my head, though. Accepting myself is one of my 2012 goals.

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Kenlie January 4, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I feel pretty sometimes, but I don’t feel sexy. And 180 pounds? Daaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnn! I do hope you begin accepting yourself because you seem pretty incredible to me..

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Chrissy January 4, 2012 at 12:14 am

I am similar in size to you and I can answer honestly. I do have times that I feel sexy, though they are few and far between these days. My husband tells me I’m sexy but I don’t believe him most of the time.

Last year I had gone on WW and dropped 50 lbs putting me just under 300 lbs for the first time in a few years. At that point, I felt amazing. Life got in the way and I gained about 20 lbs back. I am now back on WW and feel great again doing what I know my body needs.

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Morgan January 4, 2012 at 12:16 am

I have never, ever, ever felt sexy. As I lose weight, I feel less sexy than I did at my heaviest (120 pounds ago). I see my loose, flabby skin and think about how poor my body will look when I lose another 100+ pounds. Even if I am ever able to afford surgery, I think about the scars that will be so visible.

I hate every moment of my body loathing. I wish I could just accept myself. I am so envious of the obese ladies who feel and look sexy (even I agree some of them look sexy!), but I will never be able to feel that way about myself.

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Kenlie January 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

oh Morgan…I have friends who had surgery, and I can’t see their scars unless they show them to me…but even so, I’d rather feel good in my clothes…even if I never feel good naked..

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Pati January 4, 2012 at 12:21 am

I’m 100 pounds overweight and I do not feel sexy. My husband never tells me that I’m sexy nor do I expect him too. I hate being fat and I feel downright disgusting all the time. I’m working out, eating right and the weight is starting to come off, but I don’t think I will ever feel sexy again.

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Kristen January 4, 2012 at 12:27 am

Hi Kenlie,
I’m a long time reader but have only commented on a couple posts here and there. I struggle with the topic of this post daily. The man in my life insists I turn him on and that I’m sexy and he has seen me at my lowest adult weight of 203 and my highest at 372. Right now I am about 331 and feel like absolute crap. I’m at the point where I don’t want to be seen, don’t want pictures taken and almost don’t even want to go out. It’s horrible.

But I see other women (such as yourself) in the high 200′s and low 300′s that I think are beautiful and YES sexy. So, it isn’t all about how you perceive yourself. It’s how others perceive you. The problem is it doesn’t matter how others see us if we aren’t happy. My man may truly think I’m sexy, but I don’t think I am and that is the issue. That is why we are on this journey. To get healthy first and foremost but let’s be honest. We also want to be happy with ourselves and how we see who we are in the mirror too.

Best in 2012 Kenlie. :)

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Amber A January 4, 2012 at 1:03 am

I am at least 150 pounds overweight, and despite a boyfriend who loves me for who I am and tells me how sexy I am, I cannot reconcile his perception of me with my perception of me. For me, sexy is not a state of being, rather it is a state of mind… and I lost my mind years ago… :-)

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Dawn January 4, 2012 at 1:04 am

I would have to say – that to others, sure obesity can be sexy but to me, no. I don’t think I can associate my obesity with the word sexy, not at my highest nor lowest weight.
Can someone else see me as sexy, of course they can, can I? No

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Jolene January 4, 2012 at 3:32 am

I honestly believe everyone has a different perception of what sexy is, and that can also change with maturity. I’m not exactly your size, but I am plus sized and have been since I had my first child 14 years ago. I’m a size 16 and to look at me most people would not call me obese, I honestly believe I am not obese, I’m just overweight. According to BMI(not sure if you’re a believer in it or not, I am not, I think it’s seriously flawed) I’m obese.

Only recently have I been able to think of myself as sexy again, it has been a LOT of years since I’ve been able to say that. It’s not because of weight loss or anything, in fact I’m back up to my highest weight and while I’m not proud of it, I’m not beating myself up over it either. I have finally been able to think of myself as sexy again because I have allowed myself to think that way. I stopped criticizing myself for everything little thing about me and started to realize that I’m ok as I am. It was due to a complete change in thinking that I have been able to think of myself as sexy, I stopped trying to compare myself to everyone else and opened my eyes to the fact that even those who seem so “perfect” are not, there’s no such thing…if anything we’re all perfect because there is no such thing as one person being more “perfect” than another. Don’t get me wrong, I have times still where I feel pretty disgusting, but now they are only times here and there, not all the time.

I know for a fact that there are lots of men who find large women a lot more sexy than thinner women, specifically, large confident women. And it’s not crazy to think that there are people(both men and women) who find large sexy. Some people find piercings sexy, some don’t, some find tattoos sexy, some don’t, some find a certain hair color sexy and others not sexy, some women find bald men sexy, others don’t. Everyone has a different opinion of sexy. I know mine has changed dramatically over the years as I’ve got older, both for what I think is sexy in a man and in women.

You will feel sexy in time, it could be at the size your at now, it could be once you’ve reached your goal weight. And once you allow yourself to feel sexy then you will see that it is absolutely possible for others to find you sexy too, regardless of your size, and regardless of your sexy brain.

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Nan January 4, 2012 at 5:59 am

Hmmm Interesting. I am a senior citizen who became overweight during perimenopause. I would gain 5 to 7 pounds every year and not be able to take it off. Several years of that resulted in an unhealthy weight. I don’t think I ever thought much about being sexy! It must be a generation thing. I am wondering if you think an overweight man can be sexy- if so, why wouldn’t a man feel the same way about an overweight woman? We are all hardest on ourselves! My goal is to live longer and I know being overweight is not good for the heart and causes a myriad of illnesses. Fortunately I have great health but my obese mother died of a stroke at age 74. Take off the weight for your health and longevity of life.

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Cat Sharp January 4, 2012 at 6:42 am

I’m 34, have always been fat. No, I’ve always been obese. The first time I’ve ever felt sexy was after I married my husband less than a year ago. It’s a rare feeling, but he shows me every day through his actions that I’m desirable. I hope one day to feel like I deserve it. I know I’m an intelligent, funny, pretty woman, but rarely feel sexy.
I am very thankful that I have always been fat. It has taught me wonderful lessons about self worth and love that some women never learn. However, I’m ready to carry those lessons into a thinner, healthier life.

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SKM January 13, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Cat – I loved this. :) I’m basically in the same boat that you’re in and I’m thankful for the lessons that my body has taught me. And thankful to have a partner who loves me at any weight I am at.

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Enyonam January 4, 2012 at 6:48 am

This is a great post Kenlie. I know what you mean about insecurities. I have 60 pounds to lose and I working hard to get them off. I too, used to feel bad about my body; I used to see all the wrong and never the good parts. That has changed now though. True, I’m still fat after losing 30 something pounds but, I feel sexy when I look at myself in the mirror (with clothes on). When I’m naked I see things I need to work on. I love myself and I believe that stretch marks, though undesirable, are a reminder of the things I did to my body in the past.

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Cathy January 4, 2012 at 6:53 am

It is all relative I guess … at my high weight of 215 I never felt sexy and never had a “thin day”. I felt bloated and rotten. Today at 170 I still don’t feel sexy most days, but I feel good.

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Jane at Keepingthepoundsoff.com January 4, 2012 at 7:43 am

I know I am not at our weight today but I am responding anyway.

Sexy is not a weight. It is an attitude. I felt sexy when I was obese but that does not mean obesity itself is sexy – it’s not.

I do not often feel sexy after losing 220 pounds. I miss some of the curves but then again, I am older now. But my husband, who found me sexy at every weight from 140 thru 385, brings me back to the attitude that makes me feel sexy each and every time.

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Brooke January 4, 2012 at 8:31 am

At 322lbs (weighed this morning) I have my moments where I notice the worse things about me and have those insecure times. However, the thing I’ve noticed is my skinniest girlfriends will have the same problems. I don’t think its a fat thing, its a girl thing. That being said, I may have my days where I hate all the cellulite on my thighs, but I have days where I think I have down right sex appeal. Other people don’t have to think I’m sexy, to be sexy. When I put on those pair of jeans that fit my junk in the trunk perfectly with a sexy little top, I feel great and sexy.

I dated a guy in college who thought I was super sexy. Though the relationship didn’t work out, we continue to be friends and he still tells me he can’t stand how sexy I am sometimes, lol. It helps when other people tell you, but you have to believe it. You have to believe in yourself, love yourself. You will always be you, no matter what size you are.

Hope I don’t offend, but I read this blog about plus size fashion. The girl who writes it is wonderful! She gave me the confidence to try and do things I wouldn’t normally. Try her: http://www.fatshionchic.blogspot.com/

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Hyla January 4, 2012 at 9:00 am

My husband always uses the cute word and only sexy when I have been verbal about him not using it :(

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Kali March 16, 2013 at 1:48 am

Is it wrong to want to be told you’re sexy, hot and not just pretty? I love compliments of any kind most days… But sometimes I just wish someone would be like “damn, you are so sexy right now! You’re just so hot!” I mean pretty and cute and good are fine and all, but we all want to feel like our significant other thinks we’re sexually attractive too right? And to me… Having sex and being thought of as “sexy” are NOT the same! Am I right or just crazy?!?

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Peg January 4, 2012 at 9:02 am

I weigh 230 lbs and I almost never feel sexy, but my husband thinks I am sexy all the time. He met me when I weighed 60 lbs less and I did feel sexy and pretty and all those good things when we met, but not anymore. For him, it doesn’t matter. He loves me, all of me, no matter what and that’s amazing. Just once I’d like to see me through his eyes.

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RegRache January 4, 2012 at 9:06 am

when i think i look pretty i feel sexy…i have to dress up & everything has to fall into place: good hair day, my make-up comes out right & i feel comfortable in my outfit. ((they all have to happen at the same time too))

i have noticed that sometimes i feel sexy, then see a picture & am like, “what was i thinking!?” but i get over it. until then, i felt good and enjoyed myself.

so when you feel pretty…go with it, don’t overthink it and you may feel sexy without knowing it.

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Shannon January 4, 2012 at 9:11 am

Sexy is a word that is so not in my makeup! I do think it has alot to do with your sexy brain as well as the way we are raised and what we are told throughout our lives. I have seen large women who think they are sexy they act it, dress it and ooze sexiness. I look at them in envy because I can see it is such a state of mind. Sexy to some is not sexy to others and there are so many factors that apply. No matter what is said though if you don’t feel it then it is hard to believe it.

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Danielle January 4, 2012 at 9:26 am

I’ve been overweight my entire life — my highest weight being 310 pounds in February 2010. It truly was one of the biggest lows in my life. At that point, I made the decision to have weight loss surgery since I had tried (unsuccessfully) to lose weight most of my adult life. I can honestly say that I never felt sexy during any of those years and, unfortunately, after losing almost 100 pounds now since February 2010, I still don’t. Granted, my confidence and self esteem are building up to levels I have never known, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel sexy. Friends of mine who have gone through the same process would say the same thing. When you’ve been the fat girl all of your life, it’s hard to not still feel like that even when you do lose a ton of weight. Maybe one day …

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Half Chinked January 4, 2012 at 9:32 am

I am currently 300+. I am 37 years old. I have not been called sexy since I was in high school and weighed 150. Do I know I can be sexy again? Absolutely. It’s a frame of mind. You need to believe it before you believe anyone else.

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Kris January 4, 2012 at 9:48 am

I have been a big girl all my life and have never felt sexy. Your post today totally hit home, with the moments of cute and pretty, but not sexy. This crazy hollywood crazed culture we are in pushes one version of sexy – but it sounds like from all the other readers no matter what size most real women never feel they way someone else thinks they should.
I know you asked for advise and I wish I had some, but do want to thank you for hour honest posts, there are probably a lot more women who feel this way and are just keeping it inside, so thank you for sharing.

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Maggy January 4, 2012 at 10:00 am

As of this morning I am 276 lbs. Do I feel sexy?…no. I sometimes feel cute, but often do not look in mirrors so that I don’t have those cute moments shattered by my image reflecting back at me. I have been married for over 10 years and my husband does not find me sexy. He has even told me that. I am also surrounded by men in my life (coworkers, friends) that find the impossible skinny girls sexy…and only those girls. So how in the world can I assume I am sexy at the weight I am at?!?!?

I used to pretend I felt sexy, but I know its not true. The only people that find me sexy are a small group of people that their culture values a plumper women. I am trying not to stereotype here, but I am basing this by the people that have hit on me before.

I have stopped trying to force myself to think something that is not true. However, I have stopped hating my body. Yes I overweight. Yes I want to be skinnier. But until then, I have to be happy with what I have and be thankful for good health.

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hillary January 4, 2012 at 10:24 am

I think sexy is a state of mind and confidence. I am not currently overweight and I don’t feel sexy at all. I never have. What does your boy say? People are all different I am sure there were guys who thought you were sexy not INSPITE of your weight sexy.

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Brooke January 4, 2012 at 11:36 am

Sexy has absolutely nothing to do with weight and everything to do with your state of mind. You have the right to feel sexy no matter your weight and it all starts with your own self worth. I’ve been overweight my entire life and I have rarely had a problem with self confidence or feeling sexy. Granted, I do realize that I have been fortunate enough to be around people that have always accepted me as well, which is something that not everyone has, but I’ve also had a fair share of people who haven’t. A few years ago, I decided to buckled down and loose some weight. I ended up loosing about 70lbs, out of a goal of 120lb. The one glaring thing that I noticed was that I felt no different about myself. I didn’t become a different person, I wasn’t happier or more successful, and people didn’t treat me any differently. It made me look inward at myself and try to figure out why and that’s when I began accepting all of myself. I started a plus size fashion blog to help other ladies feel good about their bodies too and know they can look great and stylish in plus size clothes, http://www.prettypennymae.blogspot.com.

I follow your blog because you’re a great inspiration and your journey is incredible. I hope that you can get to a point where you can feel sexy, because you damn well deserve to!
♡Brooke

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Lisa Q January 4, 2012 at 12:36 pm

My daughter sent me this article the other day. I thought it was worth sharing; I have always said that there was a biological component to obesity.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?_r=4&pagewanted=1&hpw

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pj geek January 4, 2012 at 1:02 pm

The question was ” Can Obesity be Sexy?”…There are a whole tribe of people who particularly love obese woman or men. I say tribe cause I’ve found them to be rare and a small group, having not had many relationship or sexual experiences before I met my husband. I did find men along the way who were especially attracted to my size and my boobs, but that is all that they wanted and so I didn’t want them. My husband has had to boost my self-confidence and assure me that I Can be sexy. He showed me the websites and the blogs that focus on people who are attracted to the obese. to prove that to me, because I always felt there was something wrong with me.

There was –self confidence. I had none. I didn’t feel sexy. I worked on this and worked on it and worked on it. Sometimes I feel incredibly sexy and powerful . I’m still obese in my low 200′s but I had those moments in my 300′s also. For me, being healthy and self -confident and sharing in the experience is what is important. i don’t want to be obese for health reasons, so that is a major consideration too.

It is all up to the individual . Want to be sexy? Work on it. Google it.You will get there.

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DesertNails8 January 4, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Yes, I think obesity can be sexy and I’ve seen a lot of women and men who are. I am near my highest weight (~305) and struggling with mobility after a back injury. I do not feel sexy. I think I don’t look sexy because I haven’t gotten any attention for quite a while however I’ve been in pain and sort of depressed. When talking with a friend of mine she said sexiness is when a person is comfortable in their skin (relaxed) and confident in themselves. Even at a regular weight I will never be cute or sexy according to how women are portrayed in American media. So, I’m working on what I can such as fitness, health, being happy, and learning to approve of myself right as I am now. And as my back gets better and as do a lot of positive affirmations, I hope to get out and meet good people with whom to socialize.

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Sharlie January 4, 2012 at 1:15 pm

My husband tells me all the time…but to say that I find myself sexy, that would be a big NO. There are some days when then clothes I wear make me feel a little sexy. But that is one of the things for 2012 that I want to work on, is my confidence in myself.

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Maren January 4, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I started this journey at 272, and I have to say I have never once felt sexy in my entire life. One day.. ;)

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Mo January 4, 2012 at 2:53 pm

When I get dressed up to go out I feel sexy until I am actually at my desigtination and then I lose it. It is a frame a mind and it would be wonderful to someday hear it again from the man of my dreams, or just a man – LOL !! However, most of the time I do not have a healthy image of myself. When I was dropping weight last year at a regular pace I was feeling more confident and assured that I was moving towards the sexy everyday part! Realized that my lack of daily / weekly committed exercise was causing my confidence to go lower. Yes, it is hard and exhausting to exercise and for sure I didn’t feel very sexy last night at my Boot Camp class, but I know that I am doing my body good and looking forward to many more sexy everyday moments!!

“MO”-tivated

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Evil Pixie January 4, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I can see what you’re saying, but I do not believe “sexy” is as simple as categorizing people into body types like obese, slender, curvy, etc. Sexy is a combination of qualities, but the bottom line is you cannot be “sexy” if you aren’t happy with yourself. More often than not, obese people aren’t happy with themselves and, therefore, cannot be “sexy.”

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Cathy January 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

If I can stop laughing at the thought of ME being sexy, I’ll answer the question.

Oh, I guess I already did. :)

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Vaia January 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Being ‘sexy’ is definitely more than about what the body looks like. I believe it’s a personal state of mind. I’m a big girl but when I get dressed in the morning, I feel pretty good about myself. I am also extremely lucky to have a man in my life who calls me sexy all the time.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have down days and the reason I just re-joined WW is because I wasn’t feeling sexy anymore and I hated that feeling. We are our harshest critics. And with the utmost sincerity, I am telling you – you are sexy. Your smile is gorgeous and contagious. You are healthy and strong and beautiful.

Walk around naked…it really does help :)

V.

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Ima Bovine January 4, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I have fought my weight my entire life except apparently when I was an underweight toddler but I don’t remember those days. I stopped eating for a good chunk of my early 20s and was a size 8-10 when I got married. On the day of my wedding I was at my all time thinnest (have not been that weight since – a very healthy 145) was in an amazing dress, had my hair and make up done professionally, had a roomful of people telling me how gorgeous I looked and you know what? I still fat fat and unattractive….not even remotely sexy…I look back at the pictures and I just cringe at the thought of how I didn’t appreciate just how attractive I was. I should have been walking around in heels and a swimsuit flaunting my stuff, instead of feeling like a fat bovine…I didn’t even let my husband pick me up for that picture they always get of the groom carrying the bride over the threshold….I thought I was too heavy and that he would collapse under my weight.

I don’t remember if I have ever felt sexy. I have felt cute (most days), empowered (child birth), strong (finishing the 40 mile Avon walk) but never ever sexy. So I think it must be a state of mind. I am going to have to agree with most men; size doesn’t matter. If you feel/truly believe you are sexy, no matter what your size, you will be.

I may have to post about this myself cuz I sure have a lot to say on this topic.

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Bella January 4, 2012 at 6:39 pm

For me, sexy is about my actions and my attitude. Without getting too graphic, if I feel confident in my *abilities* (which I do), I know that I’m sexy. Not all time, but in the moment, most definitely. When I’m with someone and we’re both enjoying each other’s company, there’s nothing sexier than that, to me. And when he tells me I’m sexy, I know that I am. Sexy is in the eyes, in the lips, and in the way that you carry yourself. I think sexy is a frame of mind. Sexy is how you feel.

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Beth January 4, 2012 at 9:20 pm

My husband tells me all the time. He loves me the way I am. I am extremely lucky to have him in my life. There have even been times that I have felt sexy. It really helps to know that he loves me for me. That gives me confidence in myself!

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Heather January 4, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Wow. I read about things like Operation Beautiful, problems with body confidence, what it means to be sexy, what it means to feel pretty, self-esteem, etc. – but this post with the comments really hits it home hard. How much of a problem there is out there. 38 comments of people in general saying they don’t feel that way. I know that everyone is different, but this seems like it’s a pretty common problem.

I will be the 39th comment that contradicts all of the above. I do feel sexy. And I’m obese. Sure I didn’t always feel sexy. And I don’t always feel sexy – if I’m sick and eating chicken noodle soup and feel like I just want to sleep all day, then no. If I’m on the first day of my period and feel like a giant balloon – then no. But I will say in general I feel sexy every day. Why – might I ask do I have this attitude and so many others do not. Do I think it’s magic dust that was selectively sprinkled on my head? No. I think it’s the confidence I have in myself and my body. I have confidence in my abilities and I have confidence in my body.

I think a couple of ways that lead to this confidence are as follows:
1. Weight lifting. This is as close to a magic pill as they get. I started to lift weights maybe 30-40 lbs into my weight loss. I went into the classes they hold at the gym with all the other girls there. I could never do everything they could do – but modification is beautiful and it still gets the job done. Every single time, when I walk out at the end of a class, I feel invigorated, confident, beautiful, sexy, strong, and my muscles tingle – extra bonus. I think it’s that high you get at the end of lifting weights. And I’m not saying you have to be in a class to get it done, lift jumbo weights, or do acrobatics on exercise ball. Just going, doing it consistently, watching how what you can do changes. How you get stronger. How those muscles come out and show you they are there. How your posture becomes better because you work your shoulder and your back – looking taller and more confident. How you become more powerful. It’s sexy, what can I say? I’d strongly recommend incorporating it at least 2x a week and building up to 3x a week full body. I know you can do it, and you just start small, but the rewards are incredible, and well worth it.
2. Getting your girls fitted by a bra fitting specialist, investing in a nice bra, and finding some beautiful lingerie. I cannot say this enough. If it hasn’t been done for you – do it. Simply getting a bra that fits properly can shave some weight off, make you more confident when you look in the mirror, and be wonderful for the girls. Getting some beautiful lingerie that you are excited to wear – may help in the sexy side – it certainly helps me.
3. Wearing clothes that fit you, are tailored to your body, and highlight your best features. And we all have good features.

I think that every woman can be sexy. They just have to believe it. For me believing it came after I felt powerful and confident in what my body could do. But like almost everyone else is saying, confidence can’t be bought. It is something inside of you. Hopefully one of these tips might help you, and I do apologize for the lengthy comment. Good luck and keep up the good work!

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Heather January 4, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Wow. I read about things like Operation Beautiful, problems with body confidence, what it means to be sexy, what it means to feel pretty, self-esteem, etc. – but this post with the comments really hits it home hard. How much of a problem there is out there. 38 comments of people in general saying they don’t feel that way. I know that everyone is different, but this seems like it’s a pretty common problem.

I will be the 39th comment that contradicts all of the above. I do feel sexy. And I’m obese. Sure I didn’t always feel sexy. And I don’t always feel sexy – if I’m sick and eating chicken noodle soup and feel like I just want to sleep all day, then no. If I’m on the first day of my period and feel like a giant balloon – then no. But I will say in general I feel sexy every day. I feel sexy enough to wear dresses, and strut my stuff without worrying about my weight or if I’m too portly.

Why – might I ask do I have this attitude and so many others do not. Do I think it’s magic dust that was selectively sprinkled on my head? No. I think it’s the confidence I have in myself and my body. I have confidence in my abilities and I have confidence in my body.

I think a couple of ways that lead to this confidence are as follows:
1. Weight lifting. This is as close to a magic pill as they get. I started to lift weights maybe 30-40 lbs into my weight loss. I went into the classes they hold at the gym with all the other girls there. I could never do everything they could do – but modification is beautiful and it still gets the job done. Every single time, when I walk out at the end of a class, I feel invigorated, confident, beautiful, sexy, strong, and my muscles tingle – extra bonus. I think it’s that high you get at the end of lifting weights. And I’m not saying you have to be in a class to get it done, lift jumbo weights, or do acrobatics on exercise ball. Just going, doing it consistently, watching how what you can do changes. How you get stronger. How those muscles come out and show you they are there. How your posture becomes better because you work your shoulder and your back – looking taller and more confident. How you become more powerful. It’s sexy, what can I say? I’d strongly recommend incorporating it at least 2x a week and building up to 3x a week full body. I know you can do it, and you just start small, but the rewards are incredible, and well worth it.
2. Getting your girls fitted by a bra fitting specialist, investing in a nice bra, and finding some beautiful lingerie. I cannot say this enough. If it hasn’t been done for you – do it. Simply getting a bra that fits properly can shave some weight off, make you more confident when you look in the mirror, and be wonderful for the girls. Getting some beautiful lingerie that you are excited to wear – may help in the sexy side – it certainly helps me.
3. Wearing clothes that fit you, are tailored to your body, and highlight your best features. And we all have good features.

I think that every woman can be sexy. They just have to believe it. For me believing it came after I felt powerful and confident in what my body could do. But like almost everyone else is saying, confidence can’t be bought. It is something inside of you. Hopefully one of these tips might help you, and I do apologize for the lengthy comment. Good luck and keep up the good work!

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Vanessa January 4, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I am plus-sized. Morbidly Obese as my ‘friendly’ Dr likes to put it. Thanks, Doc.
I have tons of insecuritites (pun intended) I don’t take compliments well. I struggle to smile at myself in the mirror, though I try everytime I catch a glimpse.

I have lost 61 lbs in the last two years and I still have a long way to go but every pound is a success. I try to play up every little win to keep me positive.

While I haven’t been called sexy many times, my husband has called me sexy in the past but doesn’t anymore. His reason? I don’t take it well. I laugh, or make a joke or say/do anything but just accept it and say thank you.

My take on your blog? Forget what other people think and accept that you are a beautiful (read:sexy) person inside and out regardless of what size clothing you wear or what the scale says.

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Deb January 5, 2012 at 12:35 am

When I was 20 and weighed about 170, I felt sexy. I was about 5 pounds overweight at that time. But now? At 239? No. And not too long ago when I was at 196? Sometimes but not often. I’m comfortable with my body and I accept it for the most part, but at this weight, I do not ever feel sexy. Just cute on good days.

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Cathy January 5, 2012 at 2:10 am

Interesting – this topic showed up on my AOL news feed early this morning. Good reading…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rebecca-jane-weinstein/overweight-sex-women-body-image_b_1183358.html

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Randi January 5, 2012 at 10:09 am

I feel like sexy is a state of mind. It’s something you feel and project. I am a bit smaller than you (275 lbs) and am newly UN-pregnant (my baby is 3 months). Even at my highest weight (293lbs) I felt sexy (sometimes). It wasn’t an everyday thing but if I actually put thought into an outfit, did my face all up and wore some killer heels! YES MA’AM I am feeling all types of sexy (no matter what weight).

I’ve been struggling as of late because of the changes my last pregnancy has done to my body. Also taking care of a newborn and the rest of my family just leaves me exhausted. So because of that it’s hard to feel sexy when you feel like you look haggard or smell like baby puke all the time. I am definitely looking forward to getting my sexy on sooner rather than later.

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Jodi January 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

WHat makes me feel sexy is knowing that because I have lost weight I will be around for my family. It has nothing to do with SEXY but its more like DAMN IM GOOD I did it! I do not think obesity has any positives whatsoever. I feel entitled to express this opinion because I was morbidly obese all of my adult life until a few years ago. I was unhealthy, uncomfortable and miserable…none of that is sexy.

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Robby January 5, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I’m weighing in on this, even though we’re different sizes.
I think it’s hard for any person (big, thin, tall, short, big-boobed, tiny-tittied) to feel sexy if they’ve spent so much of their life in a body that either they’ve been told is not sexy or that society has singled out as unsexy.

It’s a process.

But i think it really starts with a little cheeky bravado, and a little bit of “eff you, world” to say that you’re going to feel sexy in the body you have right now — not the one you had, not the one you want, but the one you have at any given moment. It’s what you do with that body. My body jiggles, sometimes makes weird sounds, sometimes looks weird and awkward in clothing, or even naked, but it also is strong, and fast, and capable. The brain steering this body is pretty awesome too.

It helps when you have a partner that takes the time to let you know that he loves your body as is, not in spite of it, because it contains the heart and mind that loves him and all of his junk

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Jennifer January 6, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Hell, I’ve had two husbands. One had a speech impediment and would only “thay I was thexy” when he wanted to get laid. That, or I was “bootifool”…the same man was having an affair at the time and left, justifying it to the community with “I don’t want a fat wife”. For the record, that quickly ends a minister’s career in a small town; that waskally wabbit is no more. Both terms, any way you say them, make my skin crawl now because of him.
But I get what you’re saying…I know the feeling. I feel pretty almost all the time when I’m wearing make-up. If I’m not wearing make-up, I think I look like my Dad in drag…ok, I’ve never seen my Dad in drag…jus’ sayin’! Sexy, no, I never hear it, but my current husband communicates in other ways ;) that I AM sexy, that I AM desirable, etc. I don’t think it’s important to hear it, especially given “the past” (certainly don’t want to conjure up those memories in the heat of the moment!) and as long as I can really, really, really feel it once in a while, ok, REGULARLY, it’s all good. I never, ever felt it in my “previous life” when it was said, and I weighed 186 then.
I met my current husband on eHarmony and in the early stages of the process, you have the opportunity to really put your deepest darkest fears out there before you ever actually meet this person, so I put my freshly plowed insecurity out there, that I was overweight, and wanted to know right then and there, before I ever invested any emotion in the relationship, whether he had a problem with that. If he had clicked me away, I wouldn’t have felt a thing because it has happened so many times in my life, but instead, he said something to the effect that beauty was measured by far more than physical attributes, and that he wanted to pursue the relationship regardless. When we finally got to the point of setting up out first meeting face to face, I got cold feet, truly ashamed of my appearance and certain it was all a big mistake. If a minister could say he didn’t want a fat wife, I worried that no one would. He was going to have to drive 3 hours. I e-mailed him and tried to talk him out of it. I said, “Don’t you feel a little bit crazy driving so far for a ‘maybe’?” to which he responded, “I’d be crazy not to…” Two months later, we discussed marriage; 6 months later, he proposed. Ten months later, we got married. We’ve been married 6 years, and I weighed 306 on our wedding day. Today, I’m still within 10 pounds of that number.

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kate January 7, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Sometimes, I feel sexy. But, when I do, all it takes is a sideways glance from someone, or a derogatory comment from a stranger to doubt myself. I am a size 22/24 and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be skinny. I’ve been bigger since puberty and I have known what it’s like to be one of those girls. The one who turn heads, the ones who can walk into a store and wear anything, the one people stare at. Rationally, I know even those girls have their insecurities.

I do know that having someone who accepts me for me helps. I don’t think he loves me in spite of my size. He loves my body because it’s MY body. I’m the first big girl he’s been with, the previous ones were all boyish body types, but I can deal with the idea that he adores me and thinks I am sexy. It’s almost enough to convince me.

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Angela February 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Hey my husband wants me to gain 30 lbs. and I’m 360 lbs. now I have 3 sets of twins . he likes me bigger and Idk why . He comes in late with fast food sweets and my favorite snacks that are really fattening he’s also making my children fat . I’m not only worried about my health but my children’s health too

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Melissa June 21, 2012 at 9:45 pm

:-(, That doesn’t sound right. I’ve heard of men who like “bbw’s” but your husband should love you and want you healthy!!

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nic May 13, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I am currently 52lbs overweight and I hate myself! My fiance calls me gorgeous all the time and I shout at him. I wish I could just believe him and love the skin tgat I’m in but I can’t. Its got so bad that I hate going out of the house with him because I’m so scared he’s looking at other HOT girls and wishing he was with them. Please someone offer me some advice because right now I’m feeling so low and wishing I was no longer alive :(

#sadandepressed :(

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maddie May 22, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I’m 14 years old and I have been trying to lose weight since February, it’s may now. Ever since I was in probably second grade i was slightly overweight but it wasn’t bad then. The thing is my parents put this idea into my head that you were supposed to eat until you were full witch is not true, just until you aren’t hungry, and even now I sometimes mistake that not being full feeling with hunger and it’s not. I always said oh next year I’ll come back and every one will be shocked at how skinny I am but I never acted until now. I reached my highest weight of 194 after starving myself on an off for a month. It never worked because I would starve myself for days and then binge. In march I began countless diets and extremely restricting programs and got a gym membership. Right now I’m down to 174, which is lower than I was in February at 185 before gaining weight. On certain days I feel thinner but a lot of the time I actually feel bigger than before. I have my days where I can look at myself and find my qualities. There’s days where I feel slightly sexy but its rare. I think the feeling is something you have to allow yourself to do. And your physical weight can’t validly define you size. I have a friend who at one point we both weighed 194 and she was bigger than me. so size and weight are not completely one and the same. My goal weight is probably unrealistic but I’d like to get down to 110-120… I hope one day I can get there but it’s hard considering the fact I’m 14, I don’t have acess to healthy foods and supplies and such.

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maddie May 22, 2012 at 4:01 pm

And Angela, my friend new some women who’s husband liked her because she had a big butt so he made her get bigger and he left her. You should talk to him about why he wants you to do that. It’s just, gaining weight could damage your health and put you at a greater risk for heart disease diabetes and such. I just don’t think you should ruin your health for him, or your childrens health. I’m not trying to sound judgemental its just that I know what it’s like to be picked on for weight, I’ve been through a lot of shit and I could almost say I have an eating disorder, or if I was skinny to begin with I would for sure. because even now I know it’s not healthy but I still starve because id convinced myself that eating was terrible. Not only that, but I’ve suffered from depression and going through the whole self harm thing, I’m just sure you wouldn’t want that for tour kids. And I’ve gone through it first hand so I can tell you that it’s not something in the very least that you want your children to go through let alone yourself.

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Melissa June 21, 2012 at 9:42 pm

I am 31yrs old. I weigh 230 lbs, and 5’7, i have acne scars on my face, neck, chest, and back. My stomach is full of terrible stretch marks. My husband is extremely fit, (a u.s. soldier), and it kills me daily (& nightly) that I look one way, while he looks another. He tells me all the time that I’m sexy, and “look at that sexy ass”, etc. While on one hand it makes me feel good, on the other hand, I know (feel) that he only says those things because he loves me!
I absolutely HATE the way I look. I’ve tried it all, dieting, working out, pills, and even *other things (puking etc.). Although I admit that I’m not committed to those things, which is probably why I’m still so fat. I DO try but being over weight makes it hard to do those things.
I really hate going out places. For one, I do not like people to see me! For two, I do not like for me (nor my husband really) to see those “skinny” girls. I feel…….. physically inferier to those other women. I feel as though they are better than me (not mentally mind you). When my husband does infact “check out” other women, it’s not women who look like me. So how in the world can he think I’M sexy?!?
I hate getting undressed infront of my husband, and even want sex with the light off! (Inner thoughts)= I feel as though my husband (physically) deserves a woman who is trim and fit and active, like he is. It’s not fair to him that he’s so buff and his wife’s so fat. How can you live with someone who is working out and staying fit while you’re sitting around staying fat?
I weighed (at one point) 280 lbs, I lost down to 160 lbs!!! By way of puking and never eating and constantly walking,,, and with clothes on I looked alright, but with clothes off I looked horrible, I had hanging skin everywhere, my stomach and legs looked like deflated blimps. My boobs shrank and were saggy. And then I got pregnant with my 2nd child, and here I am up to 230 lbs again.
I don’t know what to do. I try to look at myself in the mirror after I put my make up on and think “I’m beautiful” but sadly that doesn’t work for me.
I wonder how other big women FEEL sexy and even manage to kinda look like it. I try and it seems impossible. So I spend my “alone time” (kids asleep and hubby at work) searching the net for ways to look AND feel sexy, but without any luck that works.
I must admit that I enjoyed reading all you other ladies comments, in a way it made me feel, not so alone.

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jeffery October 1, 2013 at 8:57 pm

You women, you guys seriously need to embrace what you all have because I LOVE bigger women and youd be surprized how many guys other than me think the same, be proud be happy because you will find soneone

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