Spilling My Guts On Love: Take Two

On Monday I mentioned how hard it can be to spill my guts when I know that other people are reading my personal thoughts.  I wrote a post and left it up for about twenty minutes before I removed it.  I suppose I needed to face my feelings first, and it was a pretty heavy post to include with Friend Makin’ Mondays anyway.  Now that I’ve had some time to think things through, I think I’m ready to share my feelings.

There’s a guy.  I’ve mentioned that, right?  He’s smart and friendly and gorgeous.  When I’m around him my heart beats fast, and it’s nearly impossible not to grin like a silly school girl.  When we talk my heart swells with happiness, and I can’t exactly explain why.  He’s not the type that I’m generally drawn to, and I know that I’m not the kind of girl he’s usually drawn to.  (You know, because guys aren’t attracted to girls who look like me until they get to know me.)

Don’t get me wrong.  I definitely think I deserve him; I’d make him happy.  I already do, but life slapped me in the face with facts over the weekend that are nearly impossible to ignore.  I thought he knew that I liked him, and I thought (or hoped or whatever) that he might feel the same way.  Now I’m pretty positive that I was wrong about the latter, and that has been a tough realization.

Another hard fact is that I hate the way I look.  I don’t really hate my face anymore; I hate my body, and I tell myself that I can’t expect him to like something about me that I don’t like about me.  But the truth is that I want him to.  I want him to see past my imperfections and just like me now.  I want him to want me before society thinks he should, and I want him to evolve with me.

I want him to run with me even though he’s probably faster.  I dream about riding my bike with him even though he doesn’t even own one.  I want to go on picnics with him, and I want to stand in the front row at a Pearl Jam show with him (even if he only goes because I want him to.)  I want him to meet my niece when she visits in a few weeks because I think she’s the cutest little person ever.  I want him to go on adventures around the world with me, and I want him to call me even when there’s absolutely nothing important to say.

He’s different than most of the guys I’ve dated.  I mean, he’s similar in some ways…He’s driven and accomplished. We want the same things out of life, but he’s not arrogant.  And while he’s working hard to get where he wants to go, he has no interest in forgetting where he came from.  (He wouldn’t even judge me for ending the last sentence with a preposition, though I promise not to make that a habit.)

People say that love finds you when you’re not looking.  They also say that everything happens for a reason, and I’m ready for the universe to shed some light on this.  I’m ready to understand why New York suddenly can’t compare to what I imagine that I could have here right now.

Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship with this guy.  Maybe I have to love myself more than I do.  I get it.  The universe wants me to grow, and I’m trying.  I’m trying!  I’m not saying that I want to jump into something serious with him today; I don’t want that.  I just want to think that the possibility exists. (Okay, okay…Maybe I want a little more than that.)

Believe me…I wasn’t looking for him when we met.  I had already decided that I wouldn’t date anyone else here.  And while it was hard not to stare at him, I reminded myself that what I wanted out of life was somewhere else.  But it’s not quite that simple anymore, and I can’t pretend that it is even if the outcome will be the same.

I’ve made so many mistakes in the past, and I’m determined not to repeat them again.  I have some regrets too, but I don’t want to regret giving up on this guy just because it’s so easy to believe that he could never be interested in me.

Maybe he’s not interested; maybe he never will be.  But so many imperfect people find love, and I want it too.   I wish I could tell him how I feel, but I’m sure he knows.   I’m not exactly known for my subtly.

People have been calling me brave a lot lately, but I’m not brave.  I’m just a girl who wishes that this guy would see this post, hug me and say “Kenlie…You’re silly.  Of course I like you.  Let’s take it slowly and see what happens.”   But I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t read my blog, and tonight that’s probably a good thing because I doubt he’d say anything close to that (even though he totally should.)

I try to remind myself that I’m a good catch in spite of my insecurities and imperfections; I know it’s true even though I fight with myself to believe it.  And  I’d like to be important to this guy regardless of our status. I really couldn’t have dreamed up anyone that embodies more of the characteristics that I desire in one man, and I have excellent taste so if nothing else, he should be seriously flattered by that.

And even though it’s much easier to presume the worst, tonight as I drift to sleep, I’m going to allow myself to dream of the possibilities because sometimes “even crazy dreams come true.”

42 thoughts on “Spilling My Guts On Love: Take Two

  1. Margi Hansen

    You deserve to be loved. All humans deserve to be loved, fat ones included! _Please_ stop hating your body. Seriously. It’s an amazing finely tuned machine. It does amazing things for you. Your body _is_ already beautiful. It always has been.

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  2. jules- big girl bombshell

    kenlie…you are so right…THE ONE…comes along when you least expect it..and the size of your feet, the size of your hips, the color of your eyes or hair, how tall or short you are, all of it won’t matter to the other person when its the right one….
    The key I found but yet the hardest lesson to learn is to stop worrying about what he thinks…what he wants….all that matters is what you want…and I know from the person I have met…you don’t want someone who would make a choice solely on any of those things… so take it slow and continue to focus on you and what you want…

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    1. Kenlie Post author

      Oh, Jules! I miss you!

      I know you’re right, and I know what I want…Now I have to exhibit patience…not exactly my strong suit. 😉

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  3. AndreaClaire

    I hear you on pretty much all of this right now. I like a guy, I don’t know if the feeling is mutual. Everything indicates it is… but I could also just be his new best friend in his eyes. And it’s hard to know exactly what to do when you’re at a crossroads of “I want to date this man” and “but I could also see him being one of the greatest friendships of my life and if I mistake his wanting to do things for wanting to be more than friends and act on that and then find out I’m wrong, will I lose him as a possible friend because it will be awkward”.

    You know, someone should really talk to city council about changing the name of the second road. That’s going to be impossible to fit on the street signs. 😉

    I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you and you for me and hopefully we’ll both come out of this with happy ending love stories.

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    1. Kenlie Post author

      Oh, Andrea…We should definitely talk to city council about that. Hahaha

      And I hear you…I think I can be happy regardless. I just want to know him for a long, long time..

      Good luck to you (and me.)

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  4. Adelyn

    Thank you for your courage to “put it all out there”. It helps strengthen my resolve to be honest in my blogging as well.

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  5. Steelers6

    “But so many imperfect people find love, and I want it too.”

    And that, my dear, would describe everyone who ever found love. :o) We’re all imperfect.
    Happy Wednesday, babe.
    Chrissy

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  6. Aimee

    I had actually seen the original and then thought I had imagined it when I later went to post my FMM link. I’m glad you reposted it. I think a lot of people will identify with what you have to say. Love definitely starts from within. You deserve a wonderful partner in life who loves you for you. He’s out there whether it’s this person you speak of or someone else. You inspire so many people with your blog. I hope you are able to find it within yourself to love who you are, body, mind and soul.

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  7. Brooke

    I stopped trying to make guys fit me along time ago. To be honest, I’d rather fall in love while I’m overweight, at least then I would be about 90% sure he wanted me for the right reasons (the other 10% is for those guys who have a little be of a weight fetish *wrinkles face*). We all know looks are important when it comes to dating, women/women of size aren’t any different. I wouldn’t date a guy I didn’t find physically attractive, tis the way of the world. But, there are guys out there that don’t have a size preference. I’ve met a few. They are attracted to both and its the features and personality of the girl that seals the deal. Now, they may be far and few between, but they exist. I’ll wait for them, I’m not settling.

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  8. Frank OHara

    One thing I’ve learned is that if I obsess over a girl, I’m not likely to get her.

    We are turned off by the subtle signals that are sent. It’s almost impossible to stop those signals but we can if we concentrate. Some of the signals are too much eye contact, we laugh too much when we are around them, we pay too much attention to what they say, we respond to them too much, we try to be involved with them too much. Too much is simply too much.

    To us, we rarely recognize these signals but to them, they eventually recognize them either consciously or not.

    We see these people and they become the unattainble and that just makes us want them more and that exacerbates the problem.

    I’ve learned to just get noticed and almost completely ignore (in my mind) them and if there is a connection, they will come around. I’ve been very successful with this. That’s not to say I always got the girl but often I did.

    Just pull back a little bit. Not to the point of being remote but not always in their face. See if it works. You can always come on stronger later but once you’ve stepped over the boundry, there’s no going back.

    .

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  9. Tabby

    Kenlie, I know exactly how you feel – i have felt this way many, many times. More times than I care to think about. But Frank is right. If you obsess over this guy, he will not become the guy. La, la, la, we can definitely all spout out glib responses about everything having a reason etc, but what comes through clearly enough in your post to me is that you need to continue on your journey of feeling good about you in your own skin. There is nothing to say a fling would do any harm – is a fling an option? In general, not with this guy? Perhaps it would help ease the yearning you have for affirmation that you are attractive and desirable. In the end, this guy will not change for you. He is who he is and the only person you can change is yourself. You are growing and changing all the time. Work on adding loving yourself to the mix. Even if you don’t feel it now, write an affirmation about loving yourself (Louise Hay is a great resource for ready made affirmations) and stick it up around the house. Read it aloud every time you see it. Take photographs of your body. Sit naked in front of a full length mirror and really look at yourself. Look for the positives, not the negatives. Make a list of them, write about them, think about them. You are beautiful. One day, you will believe this too. And then, there will be no stopping the people you will attract into your life!

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    1. Tabby

      Another thing, on re-reading your post – there are different issues at play here. Sit with each of them separately. Write about this guy and also write about hating yourself. What I get from what you’re saying is that it’s not about THIS guy, but about guys and love and sex and all that good messy stuff that we as overweight women long for and don’t get as much of as we hope for. That’s our sensitivity coming through, wishing we had more love, stuffing down our emotions etc so as not to appear as needy, and so on. But also the words you use about yourself are harsh. I know it is difficult to change the way we think about ourselves… it’s like the song: “changes the voices in your head, make them like you instead”. It is a matter of rewiring and examining what got you here in the first place. I don’t know you very well and am relatively new to your blog, but it is deeply important that you examine what went into creating the overweight you and that you find a way to change the way you think about yourself. Otherwise, in the end, nothing will change for the long haul. You’re a strong woman, Kenlie. I know this. You need to sit with why you can write that you “hate the way I look. I don’t really hate my face anymore; I hate my body, and I tell myself that I can’t expect him to like something about me that I don’t like about me” and let it wash over you until you are able to release some of those feelings. Hate is a strong word. One day I hope that you are able to forgive your body for letting you down visually, and the other parts of yourself or your history which have let you down in other ways and caused you to want to protect yourself from the world. It doesn’t just happen, though. You have to find a way to work on it. Sending you love for the journey.

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      1. Kenlie Post author

        Thank you for that sincere comments, Tabby. Actually, thank you for both of your comments. I’ve been doing what you suggested here for three years, and I’ve come a long way. That said, I do still hate the way I look, and I’m still working on changing the tapes that I allow myself to play in my own head. I’m actively working on it though.

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        1. Kenlie Post author

          And I’m tired of flings..I date a lot though I made a decision to tone it down this year. A guy asked me out last night at Starbucks, and while it was flattering, I no longer need that kind of affirmation. Believe me, I used to pin my self worth on the guys I dated. No longer though…It’s that growth thing that I mentioned before. 🙂

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          1. Tabby

            Hurray for growth! Like I said, I wasn’t sure of your background with the love thing 😉 If it’s the loving long term relationship you’re looking for, it’s coming. Just keep telling the universe you’re ready and it’ll hit you upside the head with someone who feels the same way as you.

            And although you’re working on changing the tape messages, quit using the word “hate”, because speaking or writing it manifests that and compounds it. Even if you don’t believe that you like or love yourself, use those words instead. Eventually you will come to have that feeling for yourself. It doesn’t matter that we all love you and know that you’re beautiful. We could say it one hundred times, but it wouldn’t be true for you until you feel it yourself. I have been where you are – I had to do the mirror thing and took photos of myself every day for a year until I fell in love with myself, inside and out. I’m rooting for you 🙂

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  10. Holly

    Kenlie – Hang in there girl! I too have had this very experience. The previous commenters are right — focusing on loving you is always a great idea no matter what the end result is with Mr. Makesmyheartflutter. 🙂 I think you’re awesome!

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  11. Lisa L.

    Hi Kenlie, I was kind of worried when I read your note, I know we don’t know each other really, but I wanted to reach out again and offer some unsolicited advice…If you don’t love yourself, then no guy is the right guy. You mention in your post that you hate the way you look and that is a strong statement about your esteem, strong enough that you may want to see a professional counselor about it if you aren’t already. There is no shame in healing your mind as you heal your body – you are experiencing a lot of change and, in reality, your mind may have a harder time processing your changing appearance than you think. You may believe, as I did, that “when you get thinner it will all be OK and people will love me and I will love myself,” but losing weight is not a panacea; it will not resolve what is causing the esteem issues – you had a reason why you felt it was OK to gain all that weight and it is still at work in your mind even though something has triggered your march back to health. And I learned happiness and loving oneself does not begin when you meet some milestone later down the road, it starts now. It is amazing what a person trained to recognize our patterns of behavior and self-loathing can do to shed light on what is holding us back. I can tell you from experience, as it is working in my life and I was shocked at how much I listened to those negative thoughts that no one was generating except me, in my own head! You are lovely and beautiful – believe in good news!

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    1. Kenlie Post author

      Thank you, Lisa…I’ve spoken about therapy on my blog on many occasions, and I’m an advocate for it. It just takes a lot time..at least for me.

      And I do love myself, but I don’t love how I look. Those are two very different things in my mind.

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  12. Dominique

    As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?” You shouldn’t hate your body – you have worked so hard to get where you are and continue to do so every day. Of course, this is easier for me to say than for you to believe, but you’re such an inspiration to your readers. The right guy will love you for who you are and support you on your journey. Be patient. This guy might be exactly what you’re looking for, you just have to give it time and let things flow naturally.

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    1. Kenlie Post author

      I love myself…Some would argue that I love myself too much…I don’t, however, love the fat that’s on my body….It’s different.

      Maybe you’re right about the last part…I kind of hope so. 😉

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  13. Jodi @ Jodi, Fat or Not

    I definitely needed to read this today! I’ve been feeling super unattractive and down on my self. I’ve lost a lot of weight, but I still don’t feel like I can strut around in a bar or something confidently. It’s tough to be working so hard on yourself and still feel like your body isn’t good enough for someone else. Thanks for being so open and sharing this!

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  14. Liz

    Here is the thing. Whether you find the one or not, those worries and self doubts and concerns that you aren’t X enough linger. That is something that is in you until you deal with overcoming it yourself. A man, even the best one in the world, won’t solve that.

    Focusing on the evolving is good. It shows the world that you are ready to take on hard things and are not limited by yourself. That is beautiful. And someone, the right one, will realize that. And it might not be him.

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    1. Kenlie Post author

      I’m not looking for a guy to solve anything. I’m already actively changing every aspect of my life…molding it into what I want it to be. I just want the guy to complement it…not change it. 🙂

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  15. Arwenn

    Not to be a downer – but now might be a good time to have a conversation with yourself about how you’d feel if he started dating someone else. Would you need to end the friendship? I’m not saying to back away or anything like that, but it’s usually a pretty good reality check and indicator of whether I have a real connection with a guy or whether it’s mostly in my head. I’ve been very badly hurt when I assumed a mutual interest but had never talked about it – he had no idea. If you’re okay with being friends it is less of a pass/fail situation than trying to date someone.

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  16. Deborah (Schmiet)

    It’s a hard one Kenlie… I’m 44 and never been in a relationship. I tend to blame my weight and how I feel about myself.

    I keep thinking one day… when my weight’s under control. (But I’m running out of time!)

    My advice if possible… is not to be desperate, but don’t put it off either!

    Deb

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    1. Kenlie Post author

      Aw Deb…I’m far from desperate, and you shouldn’t be either. 🙁

      I date a lot…I just tend to do it out of New Orleans most often. hehe And I’ve had some serious relationships as well..It’s just been a while since I met anyone who made me want to have another.

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  17. Ann

    I’ll hope for your dreams to come true & you hope for me. You really could’ve written this post out of my head. It makes me feel less crazy to know that someone else feels the same way. I know happiness will find you someday , but it’s easier said than done to wait for it.

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  18. Celeste

    Very poignant and well written, Kenlie and as evidenced by the comments, many of us share your sentiments. It’s not easy to find love, hell, so many people can’t keep it once they find it.

    I know you haven’t given up hope–I just wanted to encourage you to remain positive and hopeful. There are good men out there…and those that will love us for who we are right now.

    Allow yourself, guilt free-to be sad or reflective–but don’t dwell on it. As Frank said, people pick up on our subtle behaviors and cues. You are a strong and positive woman–and someone just FAB is going to pick up on that!

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  19. cookie

    I haven’t read your blog for a long time, but one thing I know for sure – you are worth it, and you are a pretty person. With or without fat. And I definitely know that NOBODY is perfect. Even though some people seem to be, there is always something that is not visible. But I also know that it is hard to like someone, not knowing whether he likes you back the same way. I hope everything turns out for the best. You deserve it.

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  20. Jodi

    ONce in college I gave a speech in speech class about being in love with my best friend and he never knew. I used to cringe at the memory but your post made me proud of myself for putting it out there….

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