On Monday I mentioned how hard it can be to spill my guts when I know that other people are reading my personal thoughts. I wrote a post and left it up for about twenty minutes before I removed it. I suppose I needed to face my feelings first, and it was a pretty heavy post to include with Friend Makin’ Mondays anyway. Now that I’ve had some time to think things through, I think I’m ready to share my feelings.
There’s a guy. I’ve mentioned that, right? He’s smart and friendly and gorgeous. When I’m around him my heart beats fast, and it’s nearly impossible not to grin like a silly school girl. When we talk my heart swells with happiness, and I can’t exactly explain why. He’s not the type that I’m generally drawn to, and I know that I’m not the kind of girl he’s usually drawn to. (You know, because guys aren’t attracted to girls who look like me until they get to know me.)
Don’t get me wrong. I definitely think I deserve him; I’d make him happy. I already do, but life slapped me in the face with facts over the weekend that are nearly impossible to ignore. I thought he knew that I liked him, and I thought (or hoped or whatever) that he might feel the same way. Now I’m pretty positive that I was wrong about the latter, and that has been a tough realization.
Another hard fact is that I hate the way I look. I don’t really hate my face anymore; I hate my body, and I tell myself that I can’t expect him to like something about me that I don’t like about me. But the truth is that I want him to. I want him to see past my imperfections and just like me now. I want him to want me before society thinks he should, and I want him to evolve with me.
I want him to run with me even though he’s probably faster. I dream about riding my bike with him even though he doesn’t even own one. I want to go on picnics with him, and I want to stand in the front row at a Pearl Jam show with him (even if he only goes because I want him to.) I want him to meet my niece when she visits in a few weeks because I think she’s the cutest little person ever. I want him to go on adventures around the world with me, and I want him to call me even when there’s absolutely nothing important to say.
He’s different than most of the guys I’ve dated. I mean, he’s similar in some ways…He’s driven and accomplished. We want the same things out of life, but he’s not arrogant. And while he’s working hard to get where he wants to go, he has no interest in forgetting where he came from. (He wouldn’t even judge me for ending the last sentence with a preposition, though I promise not to make that a habit.)
People say that love finds you when you’re not looking. They also say that everything happens for a reason, and I’m ready for the universe to shed some light on this. I’m ready to understand why New York suddenly can’t compare to what I imagine that I could have here right now.
Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship with this guy. Maybe I have to love myself more than I do. I get it. The universe wants me to grow, and I’m trying. I’m trying! I’m not saying that I want to jump into something serious with him today; I don’t want that. I just want to think that the possibility exists. (Okay, okay…Maybe I want a little more than that.)
Believe me…I wasn’t looking for him when we met. I had already decided that I wouldn’t date anyone else here. And while it was hard not to stare at him, I reminded myself that what I wanted out of life was somewhere else. But it’s not quite that simple anymore, and I can’t pretend that it is even if the outcome will be the same.
I’ve made so many mistakes in the past, and I’m determined not to repeat them again. I have some regrets too, but I don’t want to regret giving up on this guy just because it’s so easy to believe that he could never be interested in me.
Maybe he’s not interested; maybe he never will be. But so many imperfect people find love, and I want it too. I wish I could tell him how I feel, but I’m sure he knows. I’m not exactly known for my subtly.
People have been calling me brave a lot lately, but I’m not brave. I’m just a girl who wishes that this guy would see this post, hug me and say “Kenlie…You’re silly. Of course I like you. Let’s take it slowly and see what happens.” But I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t read my blog, and tonight that’s probably a good thing because I doubt he’d say anything close to that (even though he totally should.)
I try to remind myself that I’m a good catch in spite of my insecurities and imperfections; I know it’s true even though I fight with myself to believe it. And I’d like to be important to this guy regardless of our status. I really couldn’t have dreamed up anyone that embodies more of the characteristics that I desire in one man, and I have excellent taste so if nothing else, he should be seriously flattered by that.
And even though it’s much easier to presume the worst, tonight as I drift to sleep, I’m going to allow myself to dream of the possibilities because sometimes “even crazy dreams come true.”