I Have My Reasons

I share a lot of private feelings on my blog, and last week was no exception.  After writing the post in which I ‘spilled my guts’ I received mixed reactions.

My dad wasn’t thrilled about the post (even though he totally respects my decisions to write about whatever I want to write about.)  On the flip side, I received some supportive comments and even discovered another Pearl Jam fan in the mix.

I also received some  private, heart-felt messages  from people who clearly see some attractive qualities in me.  Needless to say, I was overwhelmed by the response, and I was immediately reminded that many of you see past my imperfections.  And I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

I think I confused some people too. Maybe I took them by surprise so let me be clear for a moment.  I’m far from desperate.  In fact, I have the audacity to believe that I deserve to fall for an incredible guy who will fall right back.  It has happened in my life before, and I can only hope and imagine that it will again.

I refuse to believe, however, that I have to love every part of myself completely before it happens.  I shouldn’t have to be perfect to find love.  After all, I’m making these changes for myself – not for the benefit of  “The Future Mr. Kenz” that I’ve mentioned in the past.

The truth is that I am strong, happy and capable.  These days I’m living my life in an attempt to make the world a happier place.  And I’m not just talking about it; I’m doing it.  In addition to that, I’m talented and driven and determined to make a positive impact on the people around me and people that I may never meet.  My life matters.  I matter, and I know that.  I’m not looking for anyone to change my life…I just want him to complement it.

I did not share my feelings in an attempt to be passive; I shared them because it’s my release.  And I didn’t spill my guts last week out of desperation, nor did I spill them because I thought the guy would read them.  (No really…I kind of wanted him to know my thoughts, but I honestly didn’t think he would see them here.)  And even when he acknowledged my post, I was too embarrassed to own up to anything further.  Just call me  “Cowardly Kenlie.”  (No, don’t.)

I wrote about my feelings because while I’m strong in so many ways, I’m also just an insecure coward who carries her feelings on her sleeve.  And instead of trying to hide my emotions as I did for the first 20+ years of my life, I’m trying to embrace them.  (For the record, it’s not easy.)

My blog exists because I need a place to share my feelings, and sometimes that means lying down on the proverbial couch. Sometimes it means saying things here that I’m not brave enough to say face to face.

As strange is it sounds, sometimes my blog feels like my best friend.  I mean, I have friends, but I can say anything here without fear that I’m the only person who has ever felt what I’m feeling.

In spite of the criticism that I encounter from time to time, I share my feelings here because I have to let it all out.  And right now  it’s easier to do that here.  (Add this to the list of things that Kenlie is trying to change.)

I have a big heart, and my feelings are authentic.  I can be emotional, but don’t judge me or pity me; just understand that sometimes I say what I have to say because I have to…for me.

If you’re reading this, here’s what I need you to understand about me:  I post here everyday because I need to…for me.  It’s cathartic, and it has been that way since day one.  And while it’s hard to explain this to someone who doesn’t have abnormal food habits, sometimes I write because the only alternative in my mind is to order a pizza and eat at least half of it.

Sometimes spilling my guts means I’m winning a different battle.

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15 Comments

  • Reply
    mary
    June 5, 2012 at 2:50 am

    i for one loved your post
    and in my opinion , if posts makes others uncomfortable or they are not liking what is in said post, perhaps it is something in their own life they are not brave enough to share.
    please keep posting dear kenlie. you are an inspiration to so many!
    xo

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  • Reply
    Deb
    June 5, 2012 at 3:59 am

    I applaud you for sharing your feelings and thoughts. So many bloggers don’t really put themselves out there so you never really feel like you know them as a person. I don’t comment all the time, but I read nearly every post and sometimes things happen during the day and I think of you if it relates to something you’ve mentioned. 🙂

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      June 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

      Aw Deb..that’s so awesome. I love the friends I’ve made here..xo

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  • Reply
    Carol
    June 5, 2012 at 5:49 am

    I love all of your posts because you are so real. I loved this post in particular because I see so much of myself in it. I, like you, blog because it helps me and sometimes it is the difference between me having a cookie binge and me finding a little peace and letting the feelings pass. For so many years I held things in and ate my feelings–no more! So, the blog provides me a place to get it all out. My feeling is…if it helps me towards a healthier life (in all areas), it is worth it.

    You are encouraging and inspiring and I read you regularly because of that. Thank you for sharing as you do! 🙂

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  • Reply
    Eliza
    June 5, 2012 at 6:53 am

    Kenlie, just want to say thank you for your post. I believe that everyone is allowed his/her ‘Freedom of speech’ …and this is yours. If people don’t agree, they can stop reading. But for those of us that are encouraged by your words or can relate to them, this blog is wonderful. Have a great day, Eliza.

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  • Reply
    Marion
    June 5, 2012 at 7:50 am

    First of all, you are quite a pretty person. So I don’t see why you couldn’t have a guy fall head over heels with you. And, nothing is sadder than a person who never dreams. I recently wrote about being receptive to life and keeping hopeful thoughts. So I really agree.

    🙂 Marion

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  • Reply
    Whitney
    June 5, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Kenlie, I’m really glad that you just share how you feel and don’t pretend to be one way or the other. That’s why I love reading your blog! I really don’t understand people who read to criticize other people’s posts – if they don’t like it, then don’t read it! xo

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  • Reply
    KCLAnderson (Karen)
    June 5, 2012 at 9:24 am

    I love this post…it’s why I write, too. Sometimes it’s not comfortable for others to read, but it’s not for them, it’s for me. So keep it up young lady.

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  • Reply
    Holly
    June 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    Go Kenlie! As a girl who is confessional by nature, I totally get where you’re coming from. I thought your post was sincere and quite brave. Keep on keepin’ on, sister!!!

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  • Reply
    Kyra
    June 5, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    I think if you can take the criticism, then you are right where you belong doing what’s best for you, and Bravo! to that!

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  • Reply
    Anne in San Diego
    June 5, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    I am on a similar journey, and in group the other night I explained to my peers that I was struggling with cravings. I came to the same conclusion: I defeated the cravings because I decided to FEEL my feelings instead of stuffing them down with food. And I was delighted to find out that I survived my feelings, and didn’t “die” from the experience. I know it seems silly to those who have never had this battle, but I certainly know where you’re coming from. Thank you for sharing your journey and letting us come along with you.

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  • Reply
    becca
    June 5, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    i love your post and that you are able to write about your feeling i’m not that brave

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  • Reply
    Amanda D.
    June 6, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Kenlie,
    Keep posing the way you do! Too many people are fake (I mean bloggers and people I know face to face). You encourage me to be open when I do post in my blog (not often enough). If people don’t like the things you say and can’t be open minded to people thinking differently then you don’t need those people. People need to learn to agree to disagree on many topics. And if they don’t understand that YOUR blog is for YOU then oh we’ll. Like you said better to write than eat half a pizza 😉
    I love your posts and enjoy reading about what’s going on with you, even though I don’t always comment 🙂

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  • Reply
    Emily @MeLess50
    June 11, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    I loved reading that post, and everything you post! I, for one, think it’s really brave to post your true feelings. I admire your honesty and can appreciate that it’s not always easy. Brava, Miss Kenlie!

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  • Reply
    Ais
    June 12, 2012 at 5:27 am

    I haven’t read many of your posts (in fact, just two so far), but I’d say blog about what you want to blog about, post what you want, and people who like it will continue reading. For the rest, I’m sure there’s something out there for them as well.

    Personally, I’m a fan of the “real person” rather than the “professional person” that keeps their distance from their readers. Personally, I think of readers like friends, folks who will (hopefully) join in the conversation at some point 🙂

    Have fun with blogging!

    -Ais

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