I share a lot of private feelings on my blog, and last week was no exception. After writing the post in which I ‘spilled my guts’ I received mixed reactions.
My dad wasn’t thrilled about the post (even though he totally respects my decisions to write about whatever I want to write about.) On the flip side, I received some supportive comments and even discovered another Pearl Jam fan in the mix.
I also received some private, heart-felt messages from people who clearly see some attractive qualities in me. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed by the response, and I was immediately reminded that many of you see past my imperfections. And I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
I think I confused some people too. Maybe I took them by surprise so let me be clear for a moment. I’m far from desperate. In fact, I have the audacity to believe that I deserve to fall for an incredible guy who will fall right back. It has happened in my life before, and I can only hope and imagine that it will again.
I refuse to believe, however, that I have to love every part of myself completely before it happens. I shouldn’t have to be perfect to find love. After all, I’m making these changes for myself – not for the benefit of “The Future Mr. Kenz” that I’ve mentioned in the past.
The truth is that I am strong, happy and capable. These days I’m living my life in an attempt to make the world a happier place. And I’m not just talking about it; I’m doing it. In addition to that, I’m talented and driven and determined to make a positive impact on the people around me and people that I may never meet. My life matters. I matter, and I know that. I’m not looking for anyone to change my life…I just want him to complement it.
I did not share my feelings in an attempt to be passive; I shared them because it’s my release. And I didn’t spill my guts last week out of desperation, nor did I spill them because I thought the guy would read them. (No really…I kind of wanted him to know my thoughts, but I honestly didn’t think he would see them here.) And even when he acknowledged my post, I was too embarrassed to own up to anything further. Just call me “Cowardly Kenlie.” (No, don’t.)
I wrote about my feelings because while I’m strong in so many ways, I’m also just an insecure coward who carries her feelings on her sleeve. And instead of trying to hide my emotions as I did for the first 20+ years of my life, I’m trying to embrace them. (For the record, it’s not easy.)
My blog exists because I need a place to share my feelings, and sometimes that means lying down on the proverbial couch. Sometimes it means saying things here that I’m not brave enough to say face to face.
As strange is it sounds, sometimes my blog feels like my best friend. I mean, I have friends, but I can say anything here without fear that I’m the only person who has ever felt what I’m feeling.
In spite of the criticism that I encounter from time to time, I share my feelings here because I have to let it all out. And right now it’s easier to do that here. (Add this to the list of things that Kenlie is trying to change.)
I have a big heart, and my feelings are authentic. I can be emotional, but don’t judge me or pity me; just understand that sometimes I say what I have to say because I have to…for me.
If you’re reading this, here’s what I need you to understand about me: I post here everyday because I need to…for me. It’s cathartic, and it has been that way since day one. And while it’s hard to explain this to someone who doesn’t have abnormal food habits, sometimes I write because the only alternative in my mind is to order a pizza and eat at least half of it.
Sometimes spilling my guts means I’m winning a different battle.