I hate you for doing what you did to my body and for making me feel like I didn’t have the power to change it. I resent you too because I still have so much work to do to repair the damage you’ve done in my life, but you don’t control me anymore. We are finished.
The habits that I picked up before you entered my world tempted me to believe that food could cure my sadness, cover up my feelings of inadequacy and denial and even enhance happy moments, but the truth is being unhappy with myself is a waste of time. Food doesn’t make me happy when I’m sad, nor does it make up for the things in my life that I wish I could go back and change.
Even throughout the first part of my weight-loss journey, I struggled to let you go. I’ve been afraid to shed your layers because they feel as though they are a part of me. When I think of who I am and what defines me, you are all I see. I have let you become a fixture in my universe, and when the world looks at me they see you, obesity. When I look in the mirror, I see you too, and I’m ready to see a different picture.
I like being the girl who has lost 100 pounds, but I’m ready to be the girl who has lost 200 pounds. That’s a good story, but it’s just a part of my story. I want to be the woman who grabbed the reigns and took hold of every part of her existence and made it what she wanted it to be. I want to be the woman who respects herself whether anyone else does or not, and I want to be worthy of that respect.
I want to be worthy of love too, but most of all, I want to be free. I took some big, personal steps toward that freedom earlier this week, and I forgive myself. I have begun the process of letting myself heal from that pain and embarrassment that you have caused me. I am letting go of the past.
When you entered my life you enhanced all of the negative feelings I had about myself and the world. You came along when I was vulnerable and hurting, promising me moments of happiness, but you robbed me of joy. I take responsibility for that because I let you do it, but that’s over now.
Now I’m going to wake up everyday with purpose, and I’m finally going to prove to myself and everyone else that I can finish what I started. I want to be free, obesity, and you’re not going to stop me any longer.
It’s my responsibility to end the cycle of pain that you have caused me so I’m trying. I believe I can do it, and I’m going to start acting like it today. Sure, you have made me more compassionate and driven to help others, but it’s time to help myself now. I don’t want you in my life anymore.
For years I felt like I deserved you. When I looked into my own eyes I saw a failure and a quitter who gave up before she ever tried. I saw someone who deserved to be fat and unhappy. I wasted so many years of my life that I can’t get back, but I was wrong. I don’t deserve to be fat and unhappy, and it’s my responsibility to make sure that I’m not.
I’m glad we don’t always get what we deserve because I’m not perfect, but I know I am loved. I am free, and I am determined.