weight loss

Honest Answers

There are times in which I get comments on my blog that I don’t like, and sometimes when that happens I delete them.  I don’t mind if someone shares an opposing view, but after some of the bitterly scathing comments I’ve received over the last year I’ve decided that it’s okay to draw a line.

After appearing on Nightline in May I got a lengthy comment from someone who started by calling me names and telling me how gross I am before detailing (in several paragraphs) how he would rape me, why I deserved it and which “instruments” he’d use.  At that point I decided that it was okay to censor the comments, and I do.  I send comments from the nasty trolls who are,  for whatever reason, obsessed with me straight to the garbage too.

Most comments, even the most vitriolic, usually roll off my back without worry, but once in a while I receive a comment that really pisses me off.  The latest one doesn’t seem to be snarky so much as judgmental, but I didn’t like it so I sent it to the spam folder.  The messages in that folder typically get deleted without being read, but I saved this comment because I knew I wanted to address it.  I just needed some time to reflect on it first.  Here’s the crux of the comment:

“I’m fairly new around here, and no offense at all meant, but I don’t really see much about your progress these days other than mention of workouts and what not. Every once in a while I’ll see a cupcake reference. But where’s the “meat” of your journey these days. How are you really doing on the scale and mentally with your weight loss? I know sometimes we start off real with our blogs then get nervous as the number of subscribers rise. Just want to encourage you to post some real posts letting us know where you are, and what your struggles are, and update that weigh-ins tab every now and then because we can’t support you unless we know where you really are. :)

Here’s my honest answer:

I pour my heart out here so if you don’t know who I am it’s because you’re not reading.  Since I started this blog I have been painfully honest about my strengths, faults, realizations, fears, accomplishments, etc., and  I take pride in the fact that I don’t write anything  just because I think people want to hear it.  If I did that, I’d have a very different blog – perhaps a more successful one.

Here’s the thing…This journey is hard for me, and I don’t pretend it’s not.  Losing the first hundred pounds wasn’t terribly difficult at the time, but losing the second hundred feels nearly impossible.  The truth is that I resent the fact that I’ve lost over 100 pounds, and that I still have so much to lose.  Most people lose 100 pounds and find that their lives and bodies are completely different, but I’m still fat.  I still don’t know what it’s like to feel sexy or pretty.  I workout like a maniac, and I still don’t know what it feels like to run five miles. I hate what I did to my body, and I hate that I still don’t seem to have everything under control.

My blog has definitely played a huge role in my health, in so much as I’ve managed to keep off over 100 pounds, but I struggle every single day with where to go from here.

I suppose I was offended by this comment because I don’t pretend to be losing weight when I’m not.  I haven’t bothered updating my weight-loss log because I fluctuate between the same few pounds, and I have been for ages.  I finally broke through a major scale barrier recently only to go a few pounds above that number again.  It’s frustrating.  How many times can I possibly say the same thing?

But there’s a fair question here that I had to take some time to seriously contemplate before I could even attempt to answer it.

How are you really doing on the scale and mentally with your weight loss?

Well, I think it’s obvious that I’m not doing as well as I could be doing.  I should be doing more, but I haven’t been.  I could make excuses, but honestly I feel lost and unable to carve out a new groove.  I start the day strong, but as evening approaches I find myself throwing caution to the wind with my food choices.  A voice is my head says “screw it, let’s try again tomorrow.” I fight those feelings from around dusk until I fall into bed almost every night.

Working out makes me happy.  I love endorphins, but I’ve been discouraged by that lately too.  Sure, I’ve burned some calories, but it’s been several weeks since I had an earth shattering workout that makes me feel like I can take on the world.  I love that feeling, and as I write about it I’m inspired to crush a workout today.

I don’t have excuses for why it’s hard, or why I’ve lacked focus for far so long.  God knows I don’t want to quit, but I also have to admit that I’ve been doing just enough to get by. I’m not eating so much that I’ll put the hundred pounds back on, but I’m eating too much to keep losing.  I’m still obese, and I still have so much work to do! That realization makes me feel like a failure, and that’s not easy to admit on my blog or in my own mind.

Food is my nemesis, but too often I treat it like it’s my best friend.   I know that it shouldn’t be either of those things, but I don’t know how to change it.  I don’t know how to convince myself that I don’t need as much of it as I want.  I don’t know how to squelch any of these feelings, and that makes me feel like a failure too.

Look, I certainly don’t eat everything my brain tells me  to eat.  I say no to myself all the time, but I still say yes far too often.  I know I should have this figured out by now, and I did for a while.  But right now I’m back at square one, and I’m terrified.

I know that I have to eat less if I want to see the numbers steadily decrease again. I also know that regardless of what anyone else wants for me I have to be strong by myself.  And as much as I wish I could fix this through surgery or pills, the fact of the matter is that I have to deal with my emotions and how they pertain to food.  I know this.  I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to convince myself to do it.

I don’t know how to convince myself that I’m worth the effort everyday.  I don’t feel like I’m worth it, and that’s the reality of where I am right now.

I know that major weight-loss is possible – even for me, but I don’t know how to move forward.  I’m a totally different person than I was 100 pounds ago, and going back is not an option.  I just want to go forward.  I don’t know when I’ll be ready to put one foot in front of the other again, and I don’t know if it will ever get easier.  All I know is that I won’t give up no matter what everyone else thinks of me.

This journey is about a lot more than losing weight.  It’s about learning to love myself, being honest with myself and learning to truly accept myself.  It’s about dealing with my emotions instead of hiding from them, and it’s about becoming content with the person I am as I strive to be better.  That’s the “meat” of my journey, and I’m pretty sure that as I figure those things out the weight will start coming off again.

Until then, I’m going to keep trying to convince myself that I’m worth it.  I don’t know what else to do.

 

 

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60 Comments

  • Reply
    Grace @ Grace Dishes
    July 18, 2012 at 12:45 am

    Bravo for your courage to come clean and address the comment that bothers you. Honestly, you don’t need to defend yourself. This is YOUR blog.

    None of us have all the answers. We’re all struggling with something.

    (As for the trolls that say disgusting things, I’ve always loathed cyber bullies who hide behind the security of anonymity and spew filth.)

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm

      Most of the time they don’t bug me…that guy did, but there was someone there when I saw that comment…He made me look at him, and he said “this is reality, not that guy.” It was exactly what I needed. 🙂

  • Reply
    Margi
    July 18, 2012 at 12:47 am

    “and no offense at all meant”

    Yeah, right. That statement is always put in front of a slam. Did this person sign this vitrol? He/she needs to learn some manners. That’s the problem with the interwebz, the annonimity allows people to say horrible things they probably wouldn’t say IRL.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:14 pm

      Yep…or “I’m just being honest” as if it’s okay to be a total jerk because you’re telling the truth..lol

  • Reply
    Redhotwritinghood
    July 18, 2012 at 1:26 am

    We really are our toughest critics and no matter what we accomplish on the outside, the inside is our toughest battle. You have done such an amazing job so far and you do have what it takes to get to your goal. Everyone struggles and if your not there to cheer people on then you deserve to have your comments trashed. You are a beautiful woman inside and out and the only person you have to prove that to is you. I look forward to seeing you achieve the stars!! You can reach them!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:15 pm

      I love myself a lot more than my haters do. 😉 And yeah, they can keep writing, and it can keep going to trash. hehe

  • Reply
    Dr. Jennifer
    July 18, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Hi Kenlie,

    I’m a fat psychotherapist who specializes in obesity-related issues and the first thing I want to say is that I wouldn’t presume to offer you any pat answers. I appreciate your tremendous efforts to take care of yourself and I have a lot of empathy for the frustration of doing all that work, only to feel bogged down, stuck, somewhat uninspired and somewhat rebellious. It’s true that by being open and honest with your experiences and feelings you will run into people who are mean, creepy or ignorant, but it looks like you have a lot of support as well, both online and in person, and I hope that helps counterbalance the crap.

    I believe the person who made you angry probably didn’t intend to, but I can totally see why it pissed you off. I think that writer is well-meaning but not at all aware that s/he is looking for something for her/himself, not for you. When people have their own idea of what we need to do and tell us about it, it often hinders us, if for no other reason than we burn up a lot of energy protecting ourselves from it. In this case, someone wants to support you, but thinks you’re not doing it right. It’s a pat and a slap at the same time, which is more insidious than a clear hit.

    When you mention the question “How are you really doing on the scale and mentally with your weight loss?” you tackle it thoughtfully and thoroughly. You mention some things that fit in with your goals: working out and enjoying it, avoiding letting go of the reins entirely and eating yourself silly on a regular basis and being aware that entropy is setting in and that food is calling seductively and frequently. To me, this sounds like someone fighting tooth and nail to hang on, in spite of being in a battle zone, with battle fatigue.

    You also mention two things that might be really contributing to your frustration at the moment: “I think it’s obvious that I’m not doing as well as I could be doing.” And, “I’m still obese, and I still have so much work to do! That realization makes me feel like a failure, and that’s not easy to admit on my blog or in my own mind.” It can be a real trap to feel like we’re not doing well enough; it can make us feel desperate, miserable and hopeless, which can lead us down the road to giving up, on the principle that we will never do well enough. I know you want to lose more weight, but YOU’VE LOST 100 POUNDS! Honestly, if you could just stay where you are right now, you’ve done an amazing thing. Which leads me to the other comment about still being fat and having such a long way to go. When we’re feeling crappy, it’s a bad time to be looking down the long dusty trail ahead of us. It sounds like you’re hanging on, in spite of feeling uninspired and being tortured by your own brain.

    Here’s my recommendation (I hope it doesn’t seem pat): just try to stay where you are for the time being. Your brain is probably sending those powerful urges to eat because you have lost 100 pounds, and as far as your body is concerned, it’s in a famine situation. Your body and brain, unfortunately, can’t be argued into recognizing that everything is fine, anymore than you can argue yourself out of an adrenaline rush in a scary situation. This might be a good time to regroup where you are. I know it sucks when you’ve been doing so well and you want to keep going, but maybe you can reframe it. On one hand, if you were 100 pounds heavier, you’d be delighted to be the weight you are now. On the other hand, if you get so frustrated and disheartened that the urge to eat becomes literally overwhelming, instead of maintaining you might go up. The learning curve is a spiral, especially around learning to self-regulate food when it’s been a touchy issue for a lot of years: sometimes it looks like you’re just going back to your starting point, but change and learning have occurred.

    I’m rooting for you!

    • Reply
      Meg
      July 18, 2012 at 12:53 pm

      I love this comment. I’m no psychotherapist, but the exact comments you highlight of Kenlie’s are what made me so sad about this post.

      Kenlie, please don’t feel like a failure. Why not look at yourself from more than just the “I’m fat” perspective. Because after all, not everything is about how we look but how we feel and how our health is. How is your cholesterol? How is your blood pressure? I have a feeling they are both excellent. Has your body fat percentage gone down during your plateau? I bet it has. What about measurements? There are so many “non-scale victories” (as they say in WW) to celebrate, if you focus on those you may feel slightly less frustrated.

    • Reply
      Sarah
      July 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

      I’m rooting for you too!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:17 pm

      Lately I’ve been defining myself by things other than just my weight-loss or my attempt to change the world, etc. I’m happy when I’m focusing on those things too as opposed to just focusing on my weight…
      Losing weight hasn’t been as much of a priority as it was before, and I’m trying to make it first again.

      I definitely have no interest in giving up. I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other while I get the rest of my life in the order that I want it in too.

      Hey, at least I’m evolving, right?

    • Reply
      Deb
      July 18, 2012 at 11:11 pm

      I agree! This is a fantastic comment from Dr. Jennifer. In no way are you a failure- you have done something already that people struggle so hard to do and many never succeed.

      Maintain where you’re at and take some time to think of what you could be doing (baby steps!) to reverse those bad feelings!

      I just started working out kind of hard again, and I know I’m about to enter a place I hate- the place where the scale never moves. But I’m going to be more prepared this time because I will lose inches, and I will gain beautiful muscle.

      You’ll find the path that will help you. Maybe you’ll have to try a few random things, maybe you’ll do a lot of homework, but you will WILL find the right path! I have every faith in your as your friend and supporter!

  • Reply
    Summer
    July 18, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Thank you for being honest. We all have our own journeys, but many of us who have extra weight can completely understand where you at. I, too, have lost over 100 pounds, but unfortunately it’s was just the same 20 pounds over and over again. =) but ugh~! So for me it is amazing to see someone who has accomplished so much. I understand that your journey is not over, and that you recognize what you have accomplished but have anticipation for the rest of the process. I encourage you to remain proud of yourself, and continue just being you. Although I know that weight plays a large role, I know it should not define us. From what part of you is exposed on your blog, you come across as wonderful person. Thank you for sharing your story!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:19 pm

      Thanks, Summer. I’m trying to evolve into someone that I’m proud to be in all senses of the word, and it takes a lot of time. I can honestly say that I’m trying though, and that’s a good feeling.

  • Reply
    Emily
    July 18, 2012 at 8:56 am

    I really hope people don’t turn this into a “let’s bash the commenter” post. (No, I wasn’t the one who commented, lol). I can see what she means, purely because I’ve had that asked of me on my blog. I didn’t take offense b/c … you know what? I wasn’t keeping myself accountable like I used to!

    I think you gave a great response. Another thing to ask yourself is *why* you got so defensive? She had already said she was new around here. We assume that people know our whole stories, but perhaps she had good intentions.

    Keep doing what you’re doing – we all in your corner! 😀

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:21 pm

      I mean, I don’t assume that people know anything, but if they’re going to judge it becomes their responsibility to know things…or they just look like jerks.

      You’re right though. There was a fair question in there so I answered it. I just had to face it first.

  • Reply
    K
    July 18, 2012 at 9:33 am

    I hear you, Sister! I have found relief from Weight Watchers. I lie to myself so much about food. Constantly. Thank you for your honesty.

  • Reply
    becca
    July 18, 2012 at 9:56 am

    bravo well said

  • Reply
    Lootz
    July 18, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Hi, I’m a long time reader, 99% of the time lurker. I’ve never really commented before. I find your blog informative, fun and telling. I find you to be kind, compassionate and dedicated.
    That being said, the person that posted that to you is not worth the time it took to read that post. Seriously, everyone’s journey is different. AND it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. People take different routes to get there.
    What you said in your post really resonated with me:

    I feel the same way. I lost 80+ pounds to put half of that back on 2 years ago when I quit smoking. AND it’s been a struggle. A HUGE struggle. But I don’t give up, even when I want to. Some days I read your blog and think BRAVO Kenlie….you’re not giving up either….so it helps me go on.
    I just wanted to tell you for the few naysayers that you have out there….you have many, many silent lurkers who you give hope to and who understand your journey…and who are on a similar one themselves.
    Hang in there!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:22 pm

      I’m definitely *not* giving up, and some days that’s enough. Today, however, I’m trying to crush it. I want more, and I don’t know what to do except try again.

  • Reply
    Tammy
    July 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

    I don’t think the original commenter meant any harm. Perhaps the query could have been worded differently, though. You’ve had a lot going on in the past year, so it has probably been hard to find a routine. When you lost your first 100 pounds, you were in a more settled environment and not moving from place to place. That has to take a toll on a person! I am also struggling. I hope we both find what we need to get back on track! I’m pretty sure what I need is to “move more”!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:23 pm

      Yeah, I don’t have any kind of routine, but I will soon. I hope that everything falls into place when I’m in my own little routine, but I don’t want to wait until that time to try again.

  • Reply
    Kyra
    July 18, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Well, first I think you ARE pretty. I hope you can see that when you look in a mirror or in some of the recent pictures you posted. You ARE pretty! Sexy, I think is a state of mind, one I struggle with myself. Just needed to throw those things out there. As for the rest of the post, it’s totally fair to feel the way you do. Heck, I’m at about the same point internally. I haven’t lost the same amount of weight, but I’m struggling and having similar issues with it myself. What I think it’s important to remind ourselves of us that we are not our weight. It’s a part of us, our day, our lives, but who we are is so far beyond that number or pantsize. It’s too easy to lose sight of that and feel defeated. Don’t. Hang on to who you know you are. I haven’t been reading for very long, but what I have read shows a thoughtful, beautiful person choosing to share this part of her online. The weight part doesn’t even figure in to that.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:24 pm

      My weight is what people see so whether I want to admit it or not, it does kind of define everything else. In some ways that has been positive, but for the most part it sucks. It’s life, and I’m trying to change…Trying to be more than the plus size girl…I’m definitely trying, but I’m not there yet.

  • Reply
    Kim @ Living, Laughing & Losing
    July 18, 2012 at 11:04 am

    I can totally see why this comment struck a nerve with you. There have been times where I didn’t update my weigh-in’s page because quite frankly, I got sick of showing that I lost one week, gained the next, lost again, etc. Granted, I don’t have 100 more lbs to lose but I also struggle with “doing good” throughout the day and blow everything in the evening.

    You are most definitely worth it. It’s just a matter of finding that zone again. Eating less combined with those mind blowing workouts will do it – but how do we get there and stay there. This is what I struggle with as well.

  • Reply
    Valerie (seattlerunnergirl)
    July 18, 2012 at 11:27 am

    What a great post, and what thoughtful comments – I hesitate to add my own because I don’t have anything “new” to say! But I want to add my support and encouragement so here it is.

    You are lovable.
    You are worthy.
    You are enough.

    Just as you are. Nothing else required. Just that fact that you exist as you are, today, is enough. Nothing you can “do” will make you more worthy. Maybe stuff you do will make you happier, maybe not.

    “I don’t know how to convince myself that I’m worth the effort everyday. I don’t feel like I’m worth it, and that’s the reality of where I am right now.”

    I think that might be the most telling portion of your post. Until you *do* convince yourself that you are worth it, every healthy choice will feel like a battle. And let’s be honest – sometimes even when you *do* feel worthy, it’s still a battle! But it’s a much easier battle to win when you know down to your bones that you are worth every healthy choice, every workout, every “no thank you” that it takes to walk this road successfully.

    I know you’re worth it. I hope your #1 priority is to figure out a way for YOU to know you’re worth it, too.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:25 pm

      Some days I feel like I know it, but as a general rule it’s tough…All I know to do is keep trying.

  • Reply
    A Desperate Dieter
    July 18, 2012 at 11:33 am

    I only came across your blog today, and have read this post and the comments with so much interest. There’s nothing I can add that others haven’t already said (written!)… except this:
    I started a blog online so that I could finally face myself, admit the truth, and get on with what I hope will be a successful journey. In the last couple of days I have found true inspiration in two people online.
    One of those people is you.
    Thank you.
    Thank you for your honesty, for telling it how it really is – for letting everyone know that it isn’t easy, that it’s hard… that it’s painful – not just sometimes, but nearly ALL the time. Thank you for showing me that 100lbs weight loss is achievable, but giving me the truth that it will always be difficult. Thank you for helping me be prepared.
    Sometimes you just need to know from someone who’s gone through it – is going through it – to know how it might be for you, for how hard the struggle is. But that in itself is inspiration… that makes you the inspiration.

  • Reply
    Aunt Janice
    July 18, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Remember this, it’s ya journey, one foot n front of the other at whatever speed u chose to move at, I would say the Dr.above is on to something, when u where 100pds heavier u would love to be where u r now, u n only u know the struggles u go thru everyday, u r doing great, keep on keeping on, later gator

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:27 pm

      You’re right, Aunt Janice. When I was 100 pounds heavier I would have LOVED to be this size..Now I just want more, and I have to figure out how to convince myself to work for it.

  • Reply
    Courtney
    July 18, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Oh Kenlie…your post made me cry, because I understand. I’ve been there. I AM there (but without the 100lb loss, so no success). The other day someone told me that I would lose weight when I was ready, that it would be hard work bu that I could do it. The the thought that went through my head was “What if I’m not worth it?”

    Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to share. You can do this. I can do this. We can all do this. We have to change the voices in our heads.

    Stay strong.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 18, 2012 at 2:27 pm

      You stay strong too, Courtney…

  • Reply
    Wedy McLaughlin
    July 18, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    I just want to say that I support you. I totally know where you’re coming from. When I started my blog I very carefully considered whether or not I should screen comments. It’s not easy putting your life out on the web, specially something so personal as weight loss.. Keep on keeping on and don’t let it get you down. You’ve come so far! Be proud of yourself! Only you need to need to approve of how you look.

  • Reply
    Rebecca
    July 18, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Girl, you ARE worth it, and that is why we want to be there to support you through the hard stuff. Thank you for the honest answers.

  • Reply
    Connie
    July 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    I’ve never commented on your blog before, and I don’t have one of my own… but I can tell you that the reason I return everyday to read what you write, (and am disappointed when your very busy and can’t write) is that your real. I appreciate your honesty. I think it helps me know that I am not alone in this EVERYDAY struggle to lose weight and become healthy. Thats means alot to someone like me who struggles with the same things as you do, self-image being one of them.
    Whoever wrote you that letter needs to step back a realise that your journey is not their journey. This is YOUR blog and no one elses. I’ve not noticed you holding a gun to anyones head and making them read it. The negative people will always be just what they are… negative, and no amount of success on your part is going to change that fact.
    Kenlie, you just keep right on doing what your doing and to the best of ability. I think your wonderful, and if you never lost another single pound… I still think your one of the most beautiful, smart, and talented people I (feel like I know) 🙂

  • Reply
    Michelle D
    July 18, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Just keep doing YOU Kenlie, you have support and fans who are paddling the same boat with you and for you, we all get off course sometimes and that’s NORMAL and ok…stay in the fight chica!!

  • Reply
    Lisa in NZ
    July 18, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Great Post!!!! – It rang home fo me in so many ways!
    I have done well in the past and have put it back on. I am now only half way back to the lowest weight again but just can’t get myself motivated to continue – It is hard telling ourselves we are worth it all the while fighting the food addiction that makes you eat!
    I don’t have the answers either but please post when you do!
    Good luck and we are here for you – just as much as you are here for us!

  • Reply
    Diana
    July 18, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    I can appreciate your honesty and bluntness. I have lost and gained weight so many times that I definitely know what to do. It is getting my mojo back that is the problem. You are 100 pounds ahead of me though. Kudos to you for the weight you have lost and the fact that you have not gained it back. I have no doubt that you will succeed! Oh, and by the way, you are beautiful! From head to toe, so don’t ever think otherwise. Ok?

  • Reply
    KCLAnderson (Karen)
    July 18, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    I think when anyone has a lot of weight to lose, it’s best lost slowly, in increments, with fairly long plateaus. This is because it takes our heads and our bodies a lot of time to catch up with the changes. The fact that you are maintaining speaks volumes to your commitment to yourself. Keep on keepin’ on girlfriend!

  • Reply
    Jeannie
    July 18, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    What a fantastic, heartbreakingly honest post by you. You are so brave, and so strong. Remember that feeling beautiful often times doesn’t correlate with your weight. Some women who are considered “thin” and even “pretty” have never felt beautiful a day in their lives. So much of it is pyschological. I just wanted to tell you that you should feel so proud for losing 100 pounds, without surgery, and keeping it off for so long! Do you know how FEW people can claim that! It’s amazing! Good luck on your journey.

  • Reply
    Shelley B
    July 18, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    I don’t know you, of course, but I wanted to give you a hug when I read your post!

  • Reply
    jae
    July 18, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    When you raise a stink about an airline that asks you to buy another seat for the comfort of you and others, insisting that you, at 300 lbs, are not too big for the seat (and you sue them), yet keep posting over and over about your love of cupcakes and eating them a few times a week and just can’t stop because they are so cute and yummy, you have to believe that some people are going to lose respect for you and what you blog. They are not going to support you anymore because to them you’re just blowing smoke to keep your readership. And now you’re going to have to work extra hard to gain that respect. Because once you lose it it’s so hard to get it back.

    • Reply
      Cathy
      July 18, 2012 at 7:06 pm

      Seems to me that if Kenlie was “blowing smoke”, she wouldn’t mention cupcakes or struggles. She’d highlight things that she’d think readers would like to hear, and she’d leave everything else out. Since Kenlie doesn’t do that, I have to believe that her blog is just as she’s presented it: her life, her story. It’s not about keeping readership.

    • Reply
      Nina
      July 18, 2012 at 8:21 pm

      This is a super lame comment for many (obvious) reasons …

      Limiting foods is not healthy. We are talking about freaking *CUPCAKES!* Seriously if you eat good whole (non-processed) food most of the time, you could actually have a cupcake every day and be just fine. (Also I don’t think that any of the posts have mentioned more than 1 regular cupcake or a few mini-cupcakes.)

      I think this all or nothing (bad food/good food) thinking damages people more than anything …

      I think the entire point of the cupcake post was basically making sure that you are eating the cupcake for the right reason: Meaning to enjoy it because that’s how you want to use some of your daily food fuel-bank that day — Not because your doing “last cupcake ever” emotional thinking!

      Cupcakes are awesome and make the world better …

      It’s about mindful eating.

      • Reply
        Kenlie
        July 24, 2012 at 1:29 am

        Thanks Cathy and Nina. Look Jae, here’s the thing…I’m far from perfect, and I am trying to be better.

        If you don’t have respect for me, I’m sure I can find a way to live with that.

        Feel free to skip my blog if you think I’m blowing smoke. I’m not writing it for you or anyone else. I’m writing it in an attempt to help myself.

        Again, if you have a problem with that, feel free to read one of the millions of other blogs that exist online.

  • Reply
    Ima Bovine
    July 18, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    I have not blogged, lost weight or commented on a weight loss blog in months but I felt compelled to comment on this post, Kenlie. I read most of this post just wanting to cry because I can so relate. Losing weight sucks. It is a battle every day and a war over a lifetime.

    You are an inspiration. 100 pounds is amazing very few people have that kind of tenacity and strength and I hope that each day you take one moment to just revel in that. (The best I can say is that I have lost the same pound 100 times )

    You deserve to be happy. By being open and honest on your blog you are making the world a better place by inspiring others in their battles. I hope that each day you take one moment to just revel in that.

    You are most definitely worth it. Being fit and healthy is not about a number on a scale. It is about being mentally and physically able to live a fulfilling life surrounded by friends and family who love you. From your posts and all the supportive comments I read here, you have that too. So I hope that each day you take one moment to just revel in that. So many people would be lost without your insights and honesty.

    Thank you for being you and for being the open, honest and forthright blogger you are.

  • Reply
    Donmarie
    July 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Awesome post- honest, real and from your heart. I think any of us that have struggled with our weight and weight loss have felt exactly how you are and how you expressed those feelings were really eloquent. I love your blog and feel that your honesty comes through each and every post. Remember, there are many people who get joy from other people’s struggle and I think this might be one of those people. Nothing good comes after “no offense”.
    Stay strong…on the journey 🙂

  • Reply
    Nina
    July 18, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Hi Kenlie!

    First: YOU ARE A SUCCESS ALREADY AND YOU DON’T OWE ANYONE ANY SORT OF APOLOGY FOR WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

    I have not been commenting lately, because this has been a crappy summer for me! From reading your blog and seeing everything you are doing nationally, I imagine you are stressed out a bit, si? I am stressed out too … and guess what, I just weighed myself 2 minutes ago and it read (complete with Chipotle lunch in my tummy!) 367.

    Which is not cool.

    Low so far (since summer 2010) has been ~342 and high was ~422. Anyway my point is that you are doing a lot of stuff, travel, school, media appearances etc.

    The fact that you are not gaining is awesome and you should be proud. We are here for the journey and everyone needs to know how hard this is and that it’s great to see someone living a real life, not giving up and holding her ground. It’s so easy to just let go. You are not doing that!

    I hope you do not feel bad about you – you are worth it. This is your space and it’s not some game show. Just be you. That’s why I read every day. That’s why you inspire me to get back up and fight … and next time I get back down to my “new low” whether that be 340 or 300 I will hopefully not to let my binge-eating disorder win again.

    Every day we are good to us is a win.

    XOXO,
    Nina

  • Reply
    Nidi
    July 18, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Hi Kenlie,
    Like several other commenters, I quietly follow your blog and am inspired by you! I love your outgoing personality, your infectious smile and the fact that that you are so honest! The part of your post….  “I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to convince myself to do it”… Is so ME! I’m 25 years older than you and still working on it! It is so frustrating to workout hard and then blow the day by not following through on my eating or vice-versa. I call it self-sabotage. But why? However sometimes it occurs to me that if I didn’t at least keep this battle going, where we I be? Ya know?

    You’re still doing great, but I think we can all understand your frustrations of balancing all the diet balls. Keep blogging and inspiring. Thanks for inviting us in. People should remember that visitors to your “home” should be respectful!
    Nidi

  • Reply
    Barb
    July 18, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Hi Kenz!

    Just know that you inspire me everyday – I don’t comment much, but I do read your blog, and I love it!! I know that on my weight loss journey, I have times that I can’t put into words the way I am feeling, nor do I want to!

    Shame on this person, who thinks that you should satisfy their needs in YOUR blog – Keep doing what you do and be proud ! By the way – I think you look fantastic – sexy and pretty, don’t ever let anyone tell you any different!

    Hugs,
    Barb

  • Reply
    Blogside Psychiatrist
    July 18, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    I’ve scrolled through a few comments and I am afraid you might not like what I have to say.

    This is your space and never let anyone tell you what you should write. What that man said, I am fairly certain, is illegal in probably 46 states. He should be reported and banned. But other than comments like that, since you choose to have comments on, comments are sort of fair game. Also, you write about weight loss: That means you will have a wide range of readers who read your blog for their own reasons. For encouragement. For camaraderie. For support. For incentive. For motivation. And then you have the people who are much thinner than you are who read your blog to feel better about themselves (yes, these people exist, and while their motivation is skewed, they are indeed a reading demographic).

    Also, you are a bit of an enigma. You say you lay it all out there, but you don’t. Again, NOTHING wrong with that. I leave lots of things out of my blog because some stuff is too personal. I password protect many posts too. And the last thing I need is for my wife’s colleagues and employees stumbling on it and reading it. Your blog, your rules. But you do keep a little mystery to yourself, like, for example, why you moved for a couple of weeks to CA and then suddenly moved somewhere else. You never addressed that. (or if you did, I missed it.) And while I personally don’t need to know, I DO think it connects to this weight loss stall that you are talking about.

    You lost 100 pounds. Amazing! And then you stalled. There is something missing in so many of your stories (a quote of yours that I have read multiple times is something like “and that’s all I am going to say about that!”) that I think would help to solve this stall mystery. I don’t think it’s a motivation issue. Your downfall is revealed through your actions and intentions and your stories and words. And your evolution is in there too.

    When you are ready to continue on your WL journey, you will do it. Until then, you seem to be coasting just fine. You aren’t quite ready it. And that is okay.

    Sorry if this isn’t all sunshine and roses. I wonder if this will be deleted?

  • Reply
    Alyssa
    July 19, 2012 at 12:36 am

    A wise person said to me once that people would follow my blog if I did OR didn’t lose weight. Do you know who that person was? You! We’re not perfect, I’m in a very similar situation to you right now. I’m not losing per say, I’m not gaining, I’m not yo-yoing, but sometimes, you don’t want the journey to be all about the number. Good post!

  • Reply
    Meredith
    July 19, 2012 at 10:22 am

    I have to confess that I’ve been wondering how you were doing as well. In my case, I look to you for inspiration as I’m on my own journey. I’ve been struggling lately in much the same way that you have and this post really made me feel like we are walking the same road together. I think Jennifer’s comment about regrouping where you are makes a lot of sense too.

    But I also want to point out that from what I’ve read, it sounds like you’ve been busy on the road to self acceptance and making a happy, productive life for yourself. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to make that the priority instead of weight loss for a while. In fact, it may be that progress on that front will be the key to reigniting progress on the weight front. As so many have said, we shouldn’t buy into defining ourselves by our weight. We are, and you are, so much more, and that should be celebrated.

  • Reply
    Jennifer
    July 19, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    I’m kind of wondering why that comment pissed you off? It reads to me like they were seriously wondering. You blog in the weight loss niche and people are going to come to your blog to read about those topics. I think this post today is an excellent example of what people struggling to lose weight (myself included) want to read and know about you. In my opinion blogging is about laying it all out there and being real. When you are going through this and struggling and questioning and fighting with yourself, your readers want to know. They want to be there for you. They want to know that they aren’t alone. And when they aren’t hearing anything they are going to wonder what the real story is.

  • Reply
    hillary
    July 19, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    people only see a part of you and assume they know what is going on. I had a blogger who I knew comment a nasty comment on my food choices. They had no gad dang clue how I eat. I post a picture of my husbands dessert and suddenly I only eat sweets. WTF? huh? one item of food in my path isn’t what I am just like one post isn’t what you are. Honestly it is none of their business how your “meat” is going on. UNLESS YOU CHOOSE TO SHARE IT. Let them be nosy and wonder. People are going to say shit about you whether you know them or not. A fellow blogger we both know says shit about me! I thought she was my friend. Some people are nice. Some are dickheads. It is easier said than done but ignore them and be thankful for the nice ones. We can’t control them just how we react to them. I struggle with that myself DAILY.

  • Reply
    Kelly
    July 19, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    I’m not going to be as tactful as most of your readers.

    There are a lot of stupid people out there.

    You’re doing great. Chin up.

  • Reply
    timothy
    July 19, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    thank you for being so honest, i NEEDED to hear this today because it sooooo applies to me too! i dropped 80 pounds 6 years ago and i’ve kept that off but i just cant seem to drop the other 50 i need to. i’ve lost and regained 20 of that so many times i feel like a yoyo.
    all i can say is you DO deserve to be happy and healthy. you KNOW how to do it, and you CAN! i’m tellin myself the same thing all the time. dont ever change how you write this blog and dont worry about others reactions i think my fave quote applies ” OTHER PEOPLES OPINION OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!”

  • Reply
    Jennifer
    July 19, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    Hi Kenlie,
    It’s been awhile since I’ve read your blog. I began following you about two years ago. You were, and still are, such an inspiration to me in my struggles with weight. Over the past two years I’ve lost about 85 pounds. However, I’ve been losing and gaining the same ten pounds for the past six months or so. When I read your last post about how you are feeling it was like looking in a mirror.
    When I realized I was falling back into old bad habits and became afraid of putting all my weight back on, I joined Weight Watchers again. I’m still struggling with staying with a sensible eating and exercise plan. The therapist, also named Jennifer, said something that I had already come to realize about myself. Maybe I just need to stablize for awhile. My body is getting used to a new weight and a new way of feeling. Although I don’t plan to use that as an excuse to eat, it’s given me permission to relax a little. This week I seem to be doing much better and am hopeful I’ll keep it up.
    You have come so far and are so strong. I know you’ll find your groove again and be successful.

  • Reply
    Steelers6
    July 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Hey dear, just wanted to mention that maybe an email/comment/post like the one that followed your May Nightline appearance should be reported to the police.

    It can still be accessed on your computer even though you deleted it.

    Chrissy

  • Reply
    Becee Robin
    July 20, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    ((((((((( Hugs ))))))))))) You have put into words what all of us struggle with weight think about but certainly aren’t as articulate enough to say. I come here every day because your honesty is refreshing and inspirational.

  • Reply
    Gail @ Shrinking Sisters
    July 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Love this post. How ’bout we say that instead of being “stuck” we’re maintaining fabulously? I just got back from a week away and anxiously jumped on the scale this morning, thinking I’d lost all sorts of weight. Nope, not a pound. (It probably was the prednisone for the allergic reaction to the insect bites.) It can get discouraging but we can never give up.

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