There are times in which I get comments on my blog that I don’t like, and sometimes when that happens I delete them. I don’t mind if someone shares an opposing view, but after some of the bitterly scathing comments I’ve received over the last year I’ve decided that it’s okay to draw a line.
After appearing on Nightline in May I got a lengthy comment from someone who started by calling me names and telling me how gross I am before detailing (in several paragraphs) how he would rape me, why I deserved it and which “instruments” he’d use. At that point I decided that it was okay to censor the comments, and I do. I send comments from the nasty trolls who are, for whatever reason, obsessed with me straight to the garbage too.
Most comments, even the most vitriolic, usually roll off my back without worry, but once in a while I receive a comment that really pisses me off. The latest one doesn’t seem to be snarky so much as judgmental, but I didn’t like it so I sent it to the spam folder. The messages in that folder typically get deleted without being read, but I saved this comment because I knew I wanted to address it. I just needed some time to reflect on it first. Here’s the crux of the comment:
“I’m fairly new around here, and no offense at all meant, but I don’t really see much about your progress these days other than mention of workouts and what not. Every once in a while I’ll see a cupcake reference. But where’s the “meat” of your journey these days. How are you really doing on the scale and mentally with your weight loss? I know sometimes we start off real with our blogs then get nervous as the number of subscribers rise. Just want to encourage you to post some real posts letting us know where you are, and what your struggles are, and update that weigh-ins tab every now and then because we can’t support you unless we know where you really are. “
Here’s my honest answer:
I pour my heart out here so if you don’t know who I am it’s because you’re not reading. Since I started this blog I have been painfully honest about my strengths, faults, realizations, fears, accomplishments, etc., and I take pride in the fact that I don’t write anything just because I think people want to hear it. If I did that, I’d have a very different blog – perhaps a more successful one.
Here’s the thing…This journey is hard for me, and I don’t pretend it’s not. Losing the first hundred pounds wasn’t terribly difficult at the time, but losing the second hundred feels nearly impossible. The truth is that I resent the fact that I’ve lost over 100 pounds, and that I still have so much to lose. Most people lose 100 pounds and find that their lives and bodies are completely different, but I’m still fat. I still don’t know what it’s like to feel sexy or pretty. I workout like a maniac, and I still don’t know what it feels like to run five miles. I hate what I did to my body, and I hate that I still don’t seem to have everything under control.
My blog has definitely played a huge role in my health, in so much as I’ve managed to keep off over 100 pounds, but I struggle every single day with where to go from here.
I suppose I was offended by this comment because I don’t pretend to be losing weight when I’m not. I haven’t bothered updating my weight-loss log because I fluctuate between the same few pounds, and I have been for ages. I finally broke through a major scale barrier recently only to go a few pounds above that number again. It’s frustrating. How many times can I possibly say the same thing?
But there’s a fair question here that I had to take some time to seriously contemplate before I could even attempt to answer it.
“How are you really doing on the scale and mentally with your weight loss?“
Well, I think it’s obvious that I’m not doing as well as I could be doing. I should be doing more, but I haven’t been. I could make excuses, but honestly I feel lost and unable to carve out a new groove. I start the day strong, but as evening approaches I find myself throwing caution to the wind with my food choices. A voice is my head says “screw it, let’s try again tomorrow.” I fight those feelings from around dusk until I fall into bed almost every night.
Working out makes me happy. I love endorphins, but I’ve been discouraged by that lately too. Sure, I’ve burned some calories, but it’s been several weeks since I had an earth shattering workout that makes me feel like I can take on the world. I love that feeling, and as I write about it I’m inspired to crush a workout today.
I don’t have excuses for why it’s hard, or why I’ve lacked focus for far so long. God knows I don’t want to quit, but I also have to admit that I’ve been doing just enough to get by. I’m not eating so much that I’ll put the hundred pounds back on, but I’m eating too much to keep losing. I’m still obese, and I still have so much work to do! That realization makes me feel like a failure, and that’s not easy to admit on my blog or in my own mind.
Food is my nemesis, but too often I treat it like it’s my best friend. I know that it shouldn’t be either of those things, but I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to convince myself that I don’t need as much of it as I want. I don’t know how to squelch any of these feelings, and that makes me feel like a failure too.
Look, I certainly don’t eat everything my brain tells me to eat. I say no to myself all the time, but I still say yes far too often. I know I should have this figured out by now, and I did for a while. But right now I’m back at square one, and I’m terrified.
I know that I have to eat less if I want to see the numbers steadily decrease again. I also know that regardless of what anyone else wants for me I have to be strong by myself. And as much as I wish I could fix this through surgery or pills, the fact of the matter is that I have to deal with my emotions and how they pertain to food. I know this. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to convince myself to do it.
I don’t know how to convince myself that I’m worth the effort everyday. I don’t feel like I’m worth it, and that’s the reality of where I am right now.
I know that major weight-loss is possible – even for me, but I don’t know how to move forward. I’m a totally different person than I was 100 pounds ago, and going back is not an option. I just want to go forward. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to put one foot in front of the other again, and I don’t know if it will ever get easier. All I know is that I won’t give up no matter what everyone else thinks of me.
This journey is about a lot more than losing weight. It’s about learning to love myself, being honest with myself and learning to truly accept myself. It’s about dealing with my emotions instead of hiding from them, and it’s about becoming content with the person I am as I strive to be better. That’s the “meat” of my journey, and I’m pretty sure that as I figure those things out the weight will start coming off again.
Until then, I’m going to keep trying to convince myself that I’m worth it. I don’t know what else to do.