I have been in a confessional mood lately so I am going to lay it out again today.
I have spent most of the last year trying not to focus on relationships. I’ve gone on dates, but I haven’t been serious with anyone.
I explored my feelings for one guy pretty openly here, but they didn’t materialize into anything romantic with him. And I know that I’m still not ready to be with anyone (even though I believe I deserve to be loved now.) Here’s why…
I feel like the most undesirable girl in the world, and I resent myself for being so overweight that I cannot imagine anyone enjoying intimate moments with me (even when they do.)
My feelings on this are not unmerited. Though I don’t discuss all of my positive experiences, I’ve detailed some of my deeply personal experiences with guys who made me keenly aware of how undesirable I was to them. And it’s still easier to believe those donkeys than those who would categotically disagree with them.
I am growing and changing and evolving, but I’m still struggling with the realization that who I am today is not enough because of my body. And frankly, it pisses me off.
I am admitting this today because it’s how my healing process begins, and I am determined not to feel this way forever.
I am loved, but I deserve to be wanted too.