I shared some pretty heavy feelings last week, and I suppose it’s important to clear a few things up. I write what I feel, but I don’t always write everything I feel. (I’d never get anything else accomplished…ever.)
In a recent post I said that I know I’m loved, but I deserve to be wanted too. Maybe I should try to explain.
Last week I was reminded once again how many people here care about my feelings and my well-being. I received several heartfelt e-mails and Facebook messages from people who see me as beautiful and worthy.
I got a message from a male friend who makes it pretty clear on a regular basis that he thinks I’m sexy. When he makes comments like that I typically giggle and roll my eyes, but I believe he thinks I’m wonderful just as I am…sexy even. He gets aggravated when I doubt myself in that way, but I’m always flattered by his desire to help me see that I was wrong.
I also received messages from women who are constantly told by their husbands or boyfriends that they’re sexy. Some of those women are heavier than I am, and a few of them seemed to suffer from the same kind of self-doubt. They see beauty in me, and I see beauty in them. The critical goggles don’t come on until we look at ourselves.
Another man who has no problem sharing his thoughts and feelings with me made it clear that he finds me incredibly sexy. (Even as I write that, I find it hard to type with a straight face, but I know it’s true.) And after reading my post last week he reminded me of moments that are far too personal to share in which I had absolutely no doubt that I was wanted.
The list of guys I’ve dated is rather long. I mean, I’m 32 years old, single and outgoing so that makes sense, right? I’ve dated many guys who clearly wanted me, at least at the time. And unlike many girls of size, I’ve been lucky to meet guys who want to date as opposed to those who prefer to get laid and not date. I’ve got no time for guys like that. For the most part I’ve been pretty lucky to date quality individuals, most of whom made me feel like a woman should feel when she’s with a man.
I know there are some quality people on this earth who find me attractive, sexy even. I know that what one person sees as beautiful might just be viewed differently by someone else. I even know that often times the guys who do want me do so for reasons that have little to do with my body.
So when I say that I know I’m loved, but I deserve to be wanted to I’m not fully addressing the issue. I’m loved and wanted, but I want to be wanted by the one I want. That part is trickier. It has been a while since I was swept off my feet. It’s a great feeling, but it doesn’t happen just because someone wants me.
There’s an unexplained connection that exists with someone, and when it’s reciprocated that feeling helps everything else fall into place. That’s what I want, and that’s what I believe I deserve.
Maybe I’m wrongfully blaming my weight for something that is simply out of my control. Maybe the guy I love won’t love me even when I fit the mold. Maybe I’ll fall for a tall, brilliant, handsome, successful guy that I haven’t met yet. Maybe I’ll spend my life living alone and just dating around. Who knows?
I do know that I am happier when I don’t waste time worrying about what could be, would be, should be so I’m going to enjoy my life and the people in it. I’m going to stop putting pressure on myself to be desirable and just be myself because I like that person, and other smart people will too.