Emotions Reflection

Specifics

I shared some pretty heavy feelings last week, and I suppose it’s important to clear a few things up.  I write what I feel, but I don’t always write everything I feel. (I’d never get anything else accomplished…ever.)

In a recent post I said that I know I’m loved, but I deserve to be wanted too.  Maybe I should try to explain.

Last week I was reminded once again how many people here care about my feelings and my well-being.  I received several heartfelt e-mails and Facebook messages from people who see me as beautiful and worthy.

I got a message from a male friend who makes it pretty clear on a regular basis that he thinks I’m sexy.  When he makes comments like that I typically giggle and roll my eyes, but I believe he thinks I’m wonderful just as I am…sexy even.  He gets aggravated when I doubt myself in that way, but I’m always flattered by his desire to help me see that I was wrong.

I also received messages from women who are constantly told by their husbands or boyfriends that they’re sexy.  Some of those women are heavier than I am, and a few of them seemed to suffer from the same kind of self-doubt.  They see beauty in me, and I see beauty in them.  The critical goggles don’t come on until we look at ourselves.

Another man who has no problem sharing his thoughts and feelings with me made it clear that he finds me incredibly sexy.  (Even as I write that, I find it hard to type with a straight face, but I know it’s true.)  And after reading my post last week he reminded me of moments that are far too personal to share in which I had absolutely no doubt that I was wanted.

The list of guys I’ve dated is rather long.  I mean, I’m 32 years old, single and outgoing so that makes sense, right?  I’ve dated many guys who clearly wanted me, at least at the time.  And unlike many girls of size, I’ve been lucky to meet guys who want to date as opposed to those who prefer to get laid and not date.  I’ve got no time for guys like that.  For the most part I’ve been pretty lucky to date quality individuals, most of whom made me feel like a woman should feel when she’s with a man.

I know there are some quality people on this earth who find me attractive, sexy even.  I know that what one person sees as beautiful might just be viewed differently by someone else.  I even know that often times the guys who do want me do so for reasons that have little to do with my body.

So when I say that I know I’m loved, but I deserve to be wanted to I’m not fully addressing the issue.  I’m loved and wanted, but I want to be wanted by the one I want.  That part is trickier.  It has been a while since I was swept off my feet.  It’s a great feeling, but it doesn’t happen just because someone wants me.

There’s an unexplained connection that exists with someone, and when it’s reciprocated that feeling helps everything else fall into place.  That’s what I want, and that’s what I believe I deserve.

Maybe I’m wrongfully blaming my weight for something that is simply out of my control.  Maybe the guy I love won’t love me even when I fit the mold.  Maybe I’ll fall for a tall, brilliant, handsome, successful guy that I haven’t met yet.  Maybe I’ll spend my life living alone and just dating around.  Who knows?

I do know that I am happier when I don’t waste time worrying about what could be, would be, should be so I’m going to enjoy my life and the people in it.  I’m going to stop putting pressure on myself to be desirable and just be myself because I like that person, and other smart people will too.

 

 

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19 Comments

  • Reply
    Kadinh13
    August 15, 2012 at 7:06 am

    You are awesome 🙂 You can’t control when the “ONE” will come along. I am 36 now and was 32 when I met my husband. I knew I loved him on the first date. I’d never experienced anything like this before. If we didn’t have kids I think we would have been married within a month but instead we waited… for 10 months for school to get out for the summer. LOL. It’s been 4 years and we still haven’t had our first fight. We disagree sometimes but we never fight about it. I still love him as much as I did back then and I’m pretty sure he feels the same about me. I still roll my eyes sometimes when he tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. Not nearly as much though because that’s something he sees in me even if I don’t and it disrespects his feelings if I roll my eyes when he’s being sincere. You’ll meet your “one” and there will be no doubt 🙂

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 15, 2012 at 10:44 pm

      I honestly think I’m better off not being concerned about it right now. I have a great relationship with The Suit, great relationships with a few others friends and the love of my family.

      I’ll worry about the rest later…or maybe not. hehe

  • Reply
    Kyra
    August 15, 2012 at 7:36 am

    I agree you can’t predict when the right one will pop into your life. I’m one who met my match when I was young (19), but out of the people I had met, including all the people since, there was something distinctly different about him. It really is like meeting the missing pieces of yourself a little bit. But the world is a wild place, and unpredictable! The best a person can do it ride the wave, and enjoy it while you go along, without waiting. Waiting takes up time.

    I’m glad you have the positive reinforcement that you are beautiful. I think you are as well, but I also understand what it’s like to not see it. I have trouble seeing it in myself, and feeling desirable or wanted even though I’m married to my match (and have been for 17 years or so.) The thing about that is that people, even your true love, can tell you that you are wanted, but it really comes down to the filter inside your head. He’s sincere, I just don’t feel that way myself, and I think that is the key; if you can find it in yourself to feel desirable and sexy, you will be regardless of your weight, age, or whatever else.

    Easier said than done, I know. 🙂 I’m still working on it.

  • Reply
    Jae
    August 15, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    We get it, you are so hot and fine you’re beating them off with a stick. Has there been ANY weight loss progress?

    • Reply
      Kadinh13
      August 15, 2012 at 1:11 pm

      Wow, I’ve never seen a comment that was so supportive… She’s apparently responding to questions that were from her previous post or something that didn’t come across the way she wanted it to. She’s also stated recently that she was going to refocus on the weight loss. What do you want her to do? Post her meals and exercise here so YOU can look at them and tell her if she’s doing good enough for YOUR standards. Girl’s lost 100 pounds. Although her loss had stalled, she hasn’t gained that 100 pounds back. Seems to me that she’s working through some stuff that may have caused her to stall on the weight loss so she can mentally get back into the game. She knows at the point how she needs to eat and exercise and it’s up to her to do it. I doubt your tough love approach is going to give her the push she needs. I’m sure as hell not doing what I need to do right now myself for my weight loss but I can tell you that I quit reading bloggers who make excuses and “blah, blah, blah” all the time about their weight when it’s excuses and whining. Kenlie is one of two that I still read from when I started reading Weight Loss blogs two years ago. She doesn’t whine. She say’s “I had a cupcake today” and also “Here’s a pic of me after my workout”. She doesn’t make excuses constantly and try to make people feel sorry for her.

      • Reply
        Kenlie
        August 15, 2012 at 10:45 pm

        Thanks, Kadinh13….

        You’re right, in that I was following up on a post I wrote last week about not feeling desirable. My point is simply that I know I’m desired by some, but I don’t *feel* desirable. That’s all.

  • Reply
    Lisa L.
    August 15, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    I think it is so great that you said you aren’t swept off your feet just because someone wants you – that’s been my problem all along and it opens women up to users and manipulators. Take it from me, divorced from the man I supported through undergrad and law school, alcoholic too. Three years later I am finally getting therapy. Body image is a big part of it.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 15, 2012 at 10:46 pm

      Goof for you…It’s hard to reach out for the help you need, but that’s when the healing begins, right?

      Keep it up, Lisa.

  • Reply
    Kadinh13
    August 15, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Wonder if this is the same Jae….
    http://legs-like-rose-stems.tumblr.com/

    • Reply
      Jae
      August 15, 2012 at 2:19 pm

      Lol, no that’s not me.

      I think that reading Kenlie’s blog takes me back to a time when I was in my 20’s and 300 pounds and I thought I was so cute and I thought all the boys liked me and really believed I hardly ate anything and thought my twice-a-week water aerobics was kicking my ass when in reality it was so opposite of that. The guys were snickering behind my back and and I spent so many days eating HUGE amounts of food to sustain my 300 pound frame and all the while trying to “find myself” when I should have just stopped making excuses and lost the weight! Looking back at how I lied to myself makes me sad at all the time I wasted. I wish Kenlie the best, of course, but I know how easy it is to lie to ourselves and convince ourselves it’s ok when we really are not.

      • Reply
        Kenlie
        August 15, 2012 at 10:42 pm

        Uh, I do think I’m cute, and sometimes boys like me…not all the time, but sometimes.

        If you actually understood how hard it was you probably wouldn’t be such a jackass, but it happens.

        Unlike many, I have the audacity to believe that I should enjoy my life now, and often times I do.

        Losing the first 100 wasn’t as hard as it is to lose the second hundred, but you never see me making excuses…ever.

        If you have a problem with me, like I said in a previous post, screw you. You don’t affect my daily life. On the flip side, if you’re truly just concerned (though your post seems to suggest otherwise) then thanks.

  • Reply
    hillary
    August 15, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    girl the struggle extends beyond weight. I have NEVER been hit on. I had never been asked out. I am not exaggerating. I mean NEVER.
    My dating history was non existent. Granted I’ve now I’ve been with my husband a long time now and how we got together was unconventional and we didn’t ever date. But you know I’d like to feel that people thought I was beautiful. Who doesn’t? I feel like the ugliest duck on the block.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 15, 2012 at 10:48 pm

      It’s sooooooooooooo hard for me to imagine that, Hillary. I know you feel that way because we’ve discussed it before, but I think you’re beautiful…like gorgeous and edgy and gorgeous….

  • Reply
    becca
    August 15, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    i’m thinking my hubby needs to take lessons from some of these guys as he never tells me i’m beautiful or sexy actually he well never mind that anyways i enjoy your honesty when you write.

  • Reply
    Robyn Kichko
    August 15, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    I love the pure honesty in your blogs and that will keep me coming back time and time again. Once you full on love yourself, you will be ready for the love of your life to sweep you on your feet. I am talking unconditionally here, not when you reach your goal weight or when you complete your schooling. Right now, no matter what you are eating, wearing or where you are sitting, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOU!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 15, 2012 at 10:50 pm

      Robyn, thank you…

      It seems that when I’m in “fully loving myself” mode I tend to come off as arrogant. I suppose there’s a balance somewhere that I just haven’t found yet.

      I’ll keep trying….

  • Reply
    Wendy
    August 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Hi Kenlee
    Your awesome! and I understand what you are feeling (I think). When I met my partner of 4 and half years, I was 265. He said he fell in love with my beauty along with my confidence, intelligence and laugh. It took a long time time find him. When I “gave up” looking, a months later I met Michael. You will find someone to sweep you off your feet, patience sucks but worth the wait.

  • Reply
    Girl Talk, Or Something Like It
    August 21, 2012 at 4:45 am

    […] private messages from people who see me as beautiful and worthy now.  I spoke about that in a post last week, but today I’d like to answer one recurring question that was asked by several of […]

  • Reply
    Johanna
    August 21, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    Loved it! You cleared up the previous post so well with this and it made me smile. I liked this “Maybe I’m wrongfully blaming my weight for something that is simply out of my control.” because I think that is it. We are so critical that we think something must be wrong for me to still be single. Its not easy to just sit around and wait but truly maybe the reason is the guy that is going to sweep you off your feet hasn’t found you yet it doesn’t mean he isn’t out there or that its because you aren’t the right mold. I love that you are honest about how you feel – it can be great therapy and it helps me too by hearing your story and how I relate I am inspired. THANKS

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