Lifestyle

One-Night Stands: Yes or No?

As you may know I’m in my early thirties, and I’ve never been married.  I typically make friends, date and/or commit.  I’m not the girl who gets picked up in bars (at least not very often) so this isn’t something I’ve

Throughout most of my life I’ve been uncomfortable with the idea of one night stands or friends with benefits relationships, but this post isn’t about my personal experience.  I’d just like like to know your thoughts on it.

We all know that it’s socially acceptable for a guy to sleep around, but many of us look at it differently when a woman does that same thing.

What do you think? Is it wrong? Is it different if you know and trust the person?

How do you feel about casual “affection” between single adults?

 

 

 

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29 Comments

  • Reply
    Jenna
    September 19, 2012 at 3:09 am

    I think it depends on the person. A lot of females don’t see sex as a physical act. If you can turn off the emotions and have sex without strings attached then I say go for it, just practice safe sex.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 19, 2012 at 7:54 pm

      I can’t turn off emotions…It’s not something I could do, but I was curious about everyone’s thoughts..

  • Reply
    Eric Van De Ven
    September 19, 2012 at 4:56 am

    Today, things are so much different than when I was “in my prime”! In my 20s, aka, the eighties, there was an understanding between men and women that, this is what is going to happen and if we want to see each other again, fine. If not, that was fine as well.

    Now, I would be afraid to go out and have the types of activities that occurred back in the day. The FWB thing never worked with me as you come to a point in the relationship, where you either have move to the next level, or end the relationship, usually badly.

    What did they say way back when? “If it feels good…do it”! Of course, today, check the person out completely, use every method of protection, and have a “no picture/video policy”!

  • Reply
    Deborah
    September 19, 2012 at 5:49 am

    I tried the FWB thing but it SERIOUSLY didn’t work. At varying times either one of us expected more – not a relationship but more… (well, booty calls!).

    I have no problem with one-nighters as long as you both know what you’re getting into and don’t read more into it than it is/may be.

    (Note I’m not promoting this for teenagers or youngsters… I think it takes a while to recognise ‘intimacy’ for what it can be and offer to those involved!).

    Deb

  • Reply
    becca
    September 19, 2012 at 6:42 am

    i’ve been married so long that I never had a chance to really explore the whole one night stand thing
    Come Say HI

  • Reply
    Liz
    September 19, 2012 at 6:55 am

    It depends on the person. I really hate that it’s such a double standard. But I see nothing wrong with something casual between two consenting adults.

  • Reply
    Bailey @ Onederland or Bust!
    September 19, 2012 at 9:01 am

    I’ve had a handful of one-night stands and never regretted any of them. I was single for a few years after college and enjoyed meeting guys, dating and just having fun. I’ve never had a FWB situation though and I personally don’t think I could do it. I think if I continued to have a sexual relationship with a guy my feelings would only get stronger towards him and the point of a FWB situation is to not let feelings get involved. That being said, it does work for some people and I’m sure I would’ve done it if I were emotionally capable of it.
    I say go for it, but just be careful 🙂

  • Reply
    matilda
    September 19, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Personally I could NEVER. I need to know more about a persons medical history before I get into something like that.
    That is just me though.

    • Reply
      Amybeth
      September 19, 2012 at 4:27 pm

      Me too. There’s just so many risks.

      • Reply
        Kenlie
        September 19, 2012 at 7:56 pm

        Me too..The medical side is a worry, but it’s also an emotional thing for me.

  • Reply
    Tammy Herrin
    September 19, 2012 at 10:22 am

    I’ve done the one-night-stand thing before and am now happily married. Honestly, if I could go back and redo things, I wouldn’t have done it. Looking back now I can see that I was constantly trying to feel a void in my life that couldn’t be filled by another person. I was at a point where deep down I didn’t believe that I deserved or could get “real love” and settled for what I could get, sex. I also thought that having that “experience” before I settled down and got serious with a person was important. However, let me tell you – marriage changing everything and that experience didn’t mean squat. Even with my husband, how things were before marriage and how they are now is COMPLETELY different. There’s something about knowing you have this deep bond and commitment to the other person that changes every aspect of your relationship, sex included.
    As far as FWB, I personally couldn’t keep the feelings separate and found myself falling for someone who didn’t see me as more than a friend.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 19, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      FWB would feel like it’s more than it is for me. I couldn’t do it, but I don’t see anything wrong with it for those who can..

  • Reply
    Meg
    September 19, 2012 at 11:16 am

    When I was young I never got a lot of attention from guys, and I graduated college still a virgin at 22 (and having only ever kissed a handful of boys). I lost a lot of weight that year, and I looked great and felt confident, and well….I went a little crazy! For the next few years I dated a lot, and had a couple serious relationships, but when I was single, I was sleeping around.

    For me, one night stands were sometimes just for fun and I never felt bad about them. I also had a couple FWB relationships that I also felt fine about. But there were definitely times when I’d hook up with someone for a confidence boost, or when I was feeling bad about myself and seeking validation, and when I did that I ALWAYS ended up regretting it.

    I’m married now, and the only time I ever feel badly about my “number” (which did, I admit, get pretty high before I settled down from my wild days!) is when I think about the times I hooked up with a guy for terrible reasons. But you can’t change the past. So for those interested in casual sex, if your’e the type of person who dwells on your mistakes and punishes yourself for them, or if you’re the type of person who gets emotionally invested in every person you sleep with? Probably not worth it for you. Just make out in the corner of the bar instead. 😉

  • Reply
    Sarah
    September 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Wow, I am feeling very old fashioned. I still believe that sex belongs in marriage.
    While I was not a virgin when I married, I really wish I had been. Dont get me wrong, I dont dwell on the fact that I wasn’t but if I could go back and change things, I definitely would. Just my 2 cents.

  • Reply
    Connie
    September 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

    After I became divorced from a 13 year marriage, of which I was a virgin when I got married, I started going out after work with the girls ..for drinks(never did that before either). It was crazy how quickly that can become a habit… all the attention you receive from men.. and I was eating it up! One thing leads to another when your drinking too much, and all these different guys are showering attention on you that you have hungered for for so long….
    Then came the one night stands…and/or booty calls from the same few guys that had become my ‘friends’.
    That went on for 2 or 3 years, then I met the man I am married to today.. and I am so thankful.
    I look back with mixed emotions… being as sheltered as I was when my divorce took place, I felt wrong. But it just felt so nice to be noticed… and it worked like a drug on me… I needed more and more.
    I’ve noticed that the only real purpose it served for me, in my life today…was to make me very untrusting of men now. I didn’t realise until I was out there, how many married men, as well as married women…. would do just about anything..
    I think now, I wish I could go back and change things and become the nieve girl I was 10 years go. I think my husband would like that too….

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    September 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    This is an area where I have to say “One night stands” a definate NO. I’m with Sarah – and maybe it is old fashioned, but coming into marriage with both my husband and I being virgins was the best gift we could give each other. We learned together, and 10 years later have a strong commitment to each other and a very healthy sex life. I never worry about being compared to another woman, whether intentionally or not.

    I strongly believe that the chances of infidelity are influenced by what sort of relationships one has before they marry – one night stands make the most intimate part of a relationship a frivolous thing and may leave a person open to that same sort of feeling in the future.

    I’m not embarassed that we waited to have sex before we married, and there’s no chance I would change that.

  • Reply
    Tina
    September 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    I was never into the one night stand thing (fear of disease, mass murderer, stalker) but, the FWB thing worked well for me. I had to know someone before I could go there. There have to be clear lines and occasional discussion to make sure you’re on the same level, to make sure feelings that are unwanted or unneeded aren’t becoming an issue.

    • Reply
      Tracy
      September 20, 2012 at 12:41 am

      I am going to agree w/ Tina…..I am the same way, not up much for the one nighters, but have had several FWB and we are still friends this day….But I am probably one of the few women who can keep their feelings-emotions in check!!

  • Reply
    Kyra
    September 19, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    Well, I never did the bar thing (I was too young), but I did do the one night stand thing during my dating years (once.) It didn’t make any difference one way or another. For me, a relationship is about 95% more than the sex, so it was possible to go out and have a good time, and not hang emotional baggage on it. But the real question comes down to the people involved; are THEY going to be OK with themselves after something like that, or not?

    In the end, it is a physical act, and what we bring to it as individuals is what makes the act something that is acceptable or not. It’s about who you are, and we’re all in different places! 🙂 For me, it was boring. If you don’t put your emotional self into it, it’s something that lacks any real lasting value, and you can’t invest in a one night stand.

  • Reply
    Natalie @ Free Range Human
    September 19, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    I know it wouldn’t work for me. Honestly, I’m sure there are some girls it would work for, but I think that number is very, very small. Sex is just so emotional for women. I think it would be hard to separate.

  • Reply
    Genna
    September 19, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    Hi,

    I feel like there are a lot of comments on here that are promoting the notion that most women have to view sex emotionally- as someone that majored gender studies, there is a lot of evidence that most of this is just conditioned- not something innate. Obviously there are people (both women AND men) where the emotion cannot be separated from the physical aspect, but there is no biological evidence that women feel this more than men ( don’t let Freud tell you otherwise).

    Most women, from the day they are born when all of their family members purchase them dolls and pink tutus and hair bows, are taught that virginity is a prize, we have to be earned, sex is only for people we love. Female sexuality is so complex and powerful that men feel they have to control it, and by making women feel like “sluts” for actually wanting and pursuing casual sexual encounters is the best possible way to do it. As long as it is consensual and safe sex is practiced, there is no harm done, and both partners, even if its just a one night stand, will have good memories of it.

    I also think that friends “with benefits” is absolutely possible. I have slept with or had sexual encounters many of my friends, and if anything it makes bonds stronger. These are people I know I’m not compatible with on a relationship level, but sex is a fun past time- so why not? Right now I am in a committed relationship, and I extensively talked to these friends about it and they encourage me, give me great relationship advice, and vice versa. I DO think its hard to just be friends with benefits, however, if you can see yourself dating them. You should never fall into a situation where you feel like your being used. But if anything, sex with friends is better because you know you are loved and respected, just in a different way.

    (BTW I like where you are going with your blog and how open you are to discussion Kenlie :-D)

  • Reply
    Margi
    September 19, 2012 at 11:26 pm

    I never had the confidence to be in that scene. And, sometimes I regret that. I absolutely adore my husband. I am a blessed woman. I will never ever cheat on him. We have a really active sex life (really, even now that we’re 44 & 51 and have been together 20 years.) But sometimes there is just a little niggling thought in the back of my brain of wondering what it would have been like with a different person. But, really that’s all wrapped up in who I was then, and who I am now and they are soooo different. The decisions I made were and are the right ones for me. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t wonder….

  • Reply
    Fatty McFatPants
    September 20, 2012 at 2:13 am

    Why the hell not? Go for it!

  • Reply
    Tim (Fat.Boy.Thin)
    September 20, 2012 at 5:05 am

    Personally I would never sleep with someone unless I was in some sort of exclusive relationship with them. I hate the idea of having sex with random people.

  • Reply
    Robby
    September 20, 2012 at 10:40 am

    My dad told me once “know why you do what you do.”
    Casual sex is not love or acceptance. It’s just a physical release.

    So long as you know why you’re doing what you’re doing, you’re an adult and can make the appropriate choice. There’s no morality or judgment involved or needed.

  • Reply
    Renée (@pinkypie)
    September 27, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    I’m with Robby, but personally I don’t see the added value. In fact, I’ve done it and there’s never, ever been any added value further than that particular moment.

  • Reply
    Jana
    October 1, 2012 at 5:43 am

    I think if the two people in question are both mature adults, there is nothing wrong with it. I know I would do it if I was single, it’s one of those things I enjoy, so why not indulge? 🙂

  • Reply
    Jean
    October 6, 2012 at 1:04 am

    Sex should be for marriage. A lovely perk for the man you choose to spend your life with! : )

  • Reply
    Sylvie @ StruggleswithaFatA
    November 16, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Is it too late to comment on this? 😀 When I was single, I couldn’t imagine having a one night stand just because it made me feel gross just to think about everything unknown about that chosen random. However I have had FWB and it always sucked. I would develop feelings and they would unintentionally break my heart. There is at least one person that I loved but never told him that. I also wanted to keep my “number” to 10 or fewer out of respect for the man I would eventually marry because I thought he might like and respect that I did that for him. But I needed to get laid too, and I figured it was better to have a regular than a one night stand. On the flip side, my husband was a complete and total man whore and had many, many, many one night stands. He also is indifferent on me having been mindful about my own number for him. Sigh. 🙂

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