The Post I Didn’t Want To Write

While I was at Fitbloggin I confided in a room full of people who accept me that I spent years of my life wishing I could be anyone other than myself.  I put on heirs, tried to convince everyone that I was so much more important than I was while feeling like a lonely, empty person who didn’t have the capacity to just be me.  I didn’t know who I was, and I’m still trying to figure that out.

People often ask me what I want to do with the rest of my life, and the truth is that I’m not sure.  I have some big ideas, but I can’t tell you where I’ll be, or what I’ll be doing five years from now because I honestly don’t know.

I’m back  in school studying Public Relations because I love it, and I’m confident that I’ll be able to make money doing something in that field when I graduate.  I’m just not sure which path I’ll take.

I’ve also made incredible strides in accepting myself as I am.  I’m still insecure, and I still doubt myself at times when I shouldn’t.  I still make mistakes, and sometimes I still find it hard to believe that I deserve to be loved as I am.  I still grimace when I think about all of the progress I could have made on the scale during the years that I’ve maintained what I originally lost, and I still struggle with my day-to-day food choices.

Changing your life inside and out is not easy.  People who say it’s simple are wrong, but here’s what I know now that I didn’t really understand when I began this journey.

  • I have the power to take control, and if I do change will happen. (Note last week’s results.)
  • My body is flawed, but it’s strong enough to keep moving forward.
  • The time I lost hovering at or near the same weight is gone.  I can’t change that, but I can absolutely change the future.
  • I don’t have to reach my goal before I start feeling awesome. ( I feel awesome when I’m confidently moving in the right direction.)
  • The time it takes to sweat on a regular basis is more important than the time I spend sitting at the computer or knitting or reading a book.
  • My life has value.
  • I am loved, and I deserve to be loved.
  • Whether it’s a workout or a healthy meal or admitting that I’ve struggled I have the opportunity to turn seemingly insignificant choices into big results.
Last week was a  healthy week.  I didn’t do everything perfectly, but I made a conscious effort to do better.  I was successful in my attempt at moving forward, and I’m doing it again this week.  And so much of my success occurred when I was able to be honest with myself and the people around me about my weight so I’m doing it again.

 

After months of not updating my weekly weight-loss log I’ve decided to start updating it again.  I had planned to start updating it again when I reached my lowest recorded weight, but that obviously hasn’t worked.  I’m almost twenty pounds heavier than I was at my lowest weight, but I am ready to celebrate my successes again.  I like seeing the number on the scale decrease, and I want to celebrate every victory.

 

My weight-loss last week brought me to 302.6 pounds yesterday.  I hate admitting that I’ve crossed over 300 again, but I have to remind myself that I’ve hovered in the 290’s over the last year.

 

Putting the numbers in black and white allows me to take control back, and I have done that.  I will go to my weekly meeting again next week and look forward to seeing a decrease in numbers again.  I plan to win this battle slowly, steadily and consistently, and each day is bringing me a little bit closer.

 

Do you openly talk about how much you weigh?  Does it help/hinder you?

 

34 thoughts on “The Post I Didn’t Want To Write

  1. I never talk about it. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’ll tell my husband. I treat that number like a dirty secret. I know how messed up that is, and I don’t even pretend that’s it’s okay, because it’s not.

    There is still a part of me that thinks I can fool the world. If they don’t know my weight, or the number on the inside of my jeans, they don’t have to realize what I look like. I tell this part of my brain that it’s delusional, but I find myself taking part in those “hiding” behaviors anyway.

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  2. I love your new outlook and attitude! It will certainly help you reach your ultimate goal!

    And I never all about my number. I guess it’s because I am so ashamed to be where I am at. I also have family and friends who read my blog, I’m too embarrased to have then see and know my number for real. I’m sure anyone can guess about where I am. I’m just too ashamed to admit it in black and white. I think you have a lot of courage to face it and own it!

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  3. I have a couple of friends that I’ve discussed my actual weight with, but that’s about it in my real life. I have posted it a few times on my blog in various posts, but it’s not something I’ve kept a running record of there, mostly because I’ve spent the past 18 months or so just bouncing around gaining and losing the same 15-20 pounds. Like you, I kept thinking, “When I get to X weight,” or “When I consistently lose X number of weeks,” then I would start posting my weight again.

    I’ve been working very hard the past couple of weeks or so on self-acceptance. Perhaps posting my weight again in my weekly weigh-ins would be one more big step toward loving myself for who I am NOW and not just when I reach a certain number on the scale.

    Thanks for giving something to think about! Love you!! xoxo

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    • Mel,

      You know I love you right back. :)

      I think it’s okay to not say it, but I have to tell you that there’s a lot of freedom in letting it out…I am not where I want to be on the scale, but I accept that number today because I’m working on changing it…

      Saying it out loud helped me feel free of it, but that’s just me.

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  4. I do talk about how much I weigh once I got close to my goal. I did not talk about it when I was overweight. Facing the scale daily or weekly is and was very important to make changes in my plan, as I went.

    Staying away from support & the scale and not facing my root causes for weight gain kept me stuck. Turning toward a plan, support from those who had been there , and tracking my weight all kept me moving to my goal.

    Onward!! We are stronger together. Glad you are being honest, facing things, and weighing in again. Keep going. Never easy, always worth it.

    Karen P. ( 8 months in weight maintnence, 40 years trying to get to this place, 72 pounds lost)

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  5. I like my blog because it is a place where I can talk openly about my weight. In “real life” I never want to be that person who’s always talking about their weight. And, honestly, I feel like I don’t want to draw attention to it. Great job recommitting to a healthy lifestyle!

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  6. I’ve been posting my numbers on my blog since we started our weight loss challenge at work, but I don’t talk about them in real life. I’m too embarrassed that I let myself get to this point. It seems to me that men are more comfortable throwing the number out in public – maybe because there isn’t as much pressure on them to be thin to be considered good-looking or competent.

    I’m glad that you are back on track.

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  7. When I had a more anonymous blog, I wasn’t afraid to put the numbers out there. Now that I’ve changed sites and am mulling over “outing” myself as a blogger, there is no way in hell that number is going up anytime soon. Like Laurie said up there, it’s like I think I can fool people if I don’t admit to what I weigh or the size I wear–but guess what? I’m not tricking anyone into thinking I’m skinny. I just don’t want them to know how far I really have to go, I guess.

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  8. Years ago I never and I mean never said a word or breathe of how much I weighed. Now since I finally seriously started my journey and especially since I started blogging (which I may add is really just recently) I have convinced myself that I must be open. Since doing that I have finally came out of my cocoon and it feels great. To be honest not only with others but with myself. I feel such a relief, less anxiety, even lighter not only with weight but emotionally. Also by showing and telling your story can only boost your confidence because you are showing the world you have nothing to HIDE
    I wish for you too to feel this awesome freedom, which in my opinion will aid in achieving your goal.
    With best wishes

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  9. I’ve become more open about my weight loss struggles, but I’ve never openly talked about how much a I weigh to anyone in real life.
    I have a very hard time talking to my boyfriend about any of this and I would probably die if he found out how much I actually weigh. I have no idea why I feel like this because he met me when I weight 279lbs and I now weigh 30lbs less.

    I once got down to 214lbs (my lowest on record) and then spent a few years in denial that I managed to gain almost all of it back. Last winter I was honest with myself and made the decision to lose this weight. It’s been a sloooow process this time around, but I’m moving in the right direction and that’s all that matters.

    It sounds like you have the right mentality right now and I look forward to following your journey!

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  10. 239.4 this morning. I like to compare my weight to what football players weigh. Right now it’s the same as Miami Dolphins fullback Charles Clay. I’m working my way down to Reggie Bush.

    It’s just a number — I’m not fooling anyone by hiding what the number on the scale says. The number doesn’t define us or the strides we have made in our health.

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    • How funny, I compare my weight to football players too! I’m currently heavier than many linemen… it’s just a number. Doesn’t mean I’m not working to make it a much smaller number though. :)

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  11. The number on the scale: I can “put it out there” on MyFitnessPal or my blog. But I do not share that number with the people in my life that I love most: my family and my boyfriend. I feel very shameful when I just think about admitting how heavy I am to those people. :-//

    But, it doesn’t have to be like this forever. I am once again committed to making a change, to getting healthy. I have recommitted myself to weight loss during the past week and I am anxious to see what the results will be this time. Cuz darn it, I am trying!

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  12. I like having numbers, but they both motivate and kill me in turns. I’m facing a problem now that I gave my family my blog address because I was using it as a general update of like in China, but now I want to refocus on weight I’ve found myself a bit stuck. It’s not that numbers are a dirty little secret, but there is a difference between being ‘out’ on the internet, and having people you talk to frequently read through your numbers and mental stuff that goes with weight loss. I’m not super close to all my family so I don’t like the idea of being so exposed to them. I suppose the answer will to be getting a separate weight loss blog again, but I don’t like maintaining both.

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  13. I never talked about my number when I was at my heaviest. My own husband wasn’t even aware of how much I weighed until we started going to the gym together and weighing in. I’m very open about it on my blog (which is easy since it’s new and I have maybe 1 or 2 “accidental” readers).

    Once I’d lost the first 40 I finally started slowly talking about it in real life. I find it helps me be more accountable, same with taking full body pictures. I use to NEVER take them because the girl I saw in pictures wasn’t the girl I saw in the mirror. Ignorance was bliss (until it wasn’t).

    However, I don’t go around announcing it unless I’m asked (which happens more now that I’m losing).

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  14. I have a seperate page on my blog that has the weight – altho I haven’t updated it in a while as the numbers are going the wrong way!
    Really life- no way no how ! My husband doesn’t know how much I weigh and it will stay that way – when I am in a good place I will tell him how much I have lost but for now – its my dirty little secret! ARGH!!!

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  15. Congratulations on making the decision to take control!
    That’s what I did 7 months ago and while I may not be losing weight as fast as some, it is still coming off, which is what matters to me. It’s taken me 37 years to start to accept who I am and to do something about making me the me I want to be.

    I don’t know that I agree with you on the time to sweat being more important than time to knit. Equally important, but perhaps not *more* important. I walk regularly to help my physical health, but I also knit as a part of my mental health. I had just posted on my blog this morning about how I make sure to move lots during the day so I can be still for a bit in the evening while knitting. It makes for a happier me. A mentally happier me is also a physically happier me.

    Do I talk about my weight? Yes, I do. I have my blog where I post my weight daily (almost daily, I don’t tend to post on weekends) and surprisingly people read it. It wasn’t easy to start letting people know about my weight, but I’m open about it in person as well. I’ve lost 35 pounds and am proud of that. I hope that the people I talk to focus on that and not that I’ve got another 60 to go. Does it help or hinder me…probably neither. I started the blog hoping that I would be motivated to lose weight because people were paying attention, but it doesn’t factor in as much as I had thought. The weight loss is for me, not those who read the number.

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  16. I have never been a very private person. I always feel like the more I put out there, the easier it is to connect with people, and I guess I’m a people person. Flaws and insecurities make us real. That’s just one of the reasons I read your blog….your honesty. I’m not good at surface conversation. I have to talk about my weight in numbers because its just easier to tell my story? That sounds weird, I know. I post my weight every Friday after I weigh in. I talk about my life in person the same way that I do on my blog. It has taken me over three years to lose 40 pounds. I started at 212, and I keep lingering between 165 and 168. My goal is 150. I completely respect anyone who is to comfortable discussing their own numbers. And really…..it doesn’t matter. I say whatever works best for you! :) Keep up the good work and the positive attitude!

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  17. How funny…I weighed myself for the first time in well over three years this morning, and I blogged about it. But what I find most compelling in this post is this: “I put on airs, tried to convince everyone that I was so much more important than I was while feeling like a lonely, empty person who didn’t have the capacity to just be me. I didn’t know who I was, and I’m still trying to figure that out.”

    Girl! If you only knew the stories (and outright lies) I would tell in order to make myself feel better about who I was. Admitting that and stopping it was a huge part of this journey, for me. Much bigger than admitting how much I weigh ;-)

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  18. I think you’re incredible, inspiring, and so strong.

    For me, talking about my weight in real numbers is all about my mindset at the time. It helps a lot of the time, but sometimes it gets me bogged down in the numbers. It just depends. So I think it’s about knowing yourself well enough to know if you’re in the right place.

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  19. Wow, obviously this post has hit home for so many of us! I think I give the scale too much power over me. I had reached a point, before getting pregnant, where I could get on the scale daily and use the number as feedback only. Now I’ve gained a lot of my weight back, so I avoid the scale (as though SEEING the number will make my weight gain any more real than it was before!). Good for you for taking ownership of the number but also knowing you are worthy and beautiful and loved REGARDLESS of that number!

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  20. As I read your post all I could think was, “Me too. I feel the same.”

    You said it so well and I admire the point you wrote about what you’ve learned so far. It is great to give that knowledge a value.

    I don’t share my weight on the blog but I wish I could. I don’t know what’s stopping me. It’s something I need to explore. Thanks for asking the question and sparking the thought of what will work for me.

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  21. My two girls and I have been on a weight loss journey together. I have lost 145 lbs, my oldest has lost 98 and my other daughter has lost 80 and is almost at her goal. We talk about food and our weight openly and hold each other accountable. We use myfitnesspal to track everything we eat and we eat well and have treats. It is a lifestyle for us, not a dirty, dirty diet. If we want something higher in calories, we adjust our eating that day.

    For me, denial/ignorance was deadly. I would avoid the scale and avoid the truth of what I was putting in my mouth. And it almost killed me two years ago this month. I had a massive pulmonary embolism that had to be due to the weight I was carrying. Also my blood pressure was high, my blood glucose was pushing diabetic and I could barely walk.

    The number is not as important for me as how I feel and what my Dr. says. My fasting blood glucose is now 83 and my blood pressure is normal. I work a job where I sometimes stand 8 to 9 hrs at a time! Couldn’t have done that a year ago.

    Bottom line; we all have to get ‘there’ on our own. Key is getting ‘there’ and not thinking we are fooling anyone or our bodies. It isn’t about looks, but quality of life.

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  22. I NEVER talk about my weight with people. My blog isn’t supposed to be about weight loss, but I know that is an important aspect of my life. It wasn’t until recently, with a six pound gain, that I decided to take back control. I’ve started telling a close friend and I hope that will keep me honest. And perhaps one day I’ll be comfortable enough to tell more people on my blog.

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  23. I do talk about my weight number. I’ve posted pictures of my scale on my blog, and on youtube. I mention it occasionally to friends and family, but it’s not something I feel compelled to talk about a lot. It’s kind of weird, because while I do believe that it is just a number, it’s also something I judge myself by, even though I’m not afraid to talk about it. I guess my weight has a split personality, and I’m still learning to accept and love myself for who I am, not what I weigh.

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  24. I just got back on the scale after not for over a month…maybe longer. I did a two day cleanse…in order to get the number down. I was still up 6 lbs since my last weigh in. The power to me is getting BACK on track.

    I weighed in. I will weigh in again next Saturday morning.

    And my goal this week is to get back in the gym. I lost that routine over the summer and last week finally went back. But again…I am BACK.

    I am so proud of you and the example you have been to so many women and men.

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  25. I’m very open about my weight on my blog, and with a few select friends, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing the exact number with some of the closest people to me, like my parents. I guess it’s that whole, “I don’t want to disappoint them” thing. Which is silly, since they can see how big I am, but I do think saying the number (which is right where yours is) is a bit different somehow. Once the number is well in my rear view, I’m sure I’ll share it with everyone, just to show how far I’ve come.

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  26. I was never very open until I had some distance from it. When my high weight was close (officially 237, but in reality probably a little higher), I never said it, not to anyone. Now that I have some success behind me (171 at last weigh in), I can talk about it. The harsh reality of my obesity seems easier to take. I’m short (5’3″), so even at 171, I’m still obese. But I’m making progress, and that progress makes it easier to confront my past.

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  27. I haven’t said it out loud to myself, but that is a great idea. I am only seen in dresses at the moment. So my jeans know.

    Let me say this, I check in on you every once in a while. I really like seeing your tweets go by in my bberry when I lift my head out of the work pit. You give good tweet! And that prompts me to read your blog posts and catch up. I felt compelled to comment here.

    What you have said is so great. You can “turn seemingly insignificant choices into big changes.” I love that. And you are so obviously of value and loved.

    Now I’m going to disagree on one point. Your body is not flawed. Your mind may think it is, but frankly, minds can be a pain-in-the-neck. Your body is amazing and is showing you unconditional love. It just keeps going and going no matter what you throw at it. Of course, it has it’s limit, but it is doing everything it absolutely can to keep you running. That is love. Look at you in that Simmons video!

    Me personally, I’ve had too big accidents that nearly killed me. My body pulled me through. Poor body. I put it through hell. Twice.

    In any case, you got a lot of great things going on (so I read). Nothing but up! Or guess I should say, down :) the scale. Stay focused on showing your body the love back by putting the right food in your mouth – keep deciding against the Krispy Kreme. You give your body health and it is going to help you even more. Lisa Q said this well up above.

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  28. I don’t write a blog but I did just discover yours. I am trying to lose a 100 lbs. I have gotten up to 221.5 , the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. I know it’s not anywhere close to what you are trying to achieve, but I applaud you and your blog.
    I don’t talk about my own weight, (or at least the real number). My husband doesn’t even know the real number. I’m too ashamed. I am going to the gym three days a week and eating healthy but I don’t know if it’s enough. And I have no idea what I’m doing.

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