Failure, Honesty and Determination

Last year was awesome for me in many ways, but my weight-loss goals took a major hit.  I didn’t accomplish anything in that area.

I needed to go through the changes I went through, and I needed to admit some things that I know were holding me back.   I needed to stand on my own two feet, and I needed to lose weight too.

I accomplished those things with exception of the last which is arguably the most important thing.

Right now I am happier than I’ve been since leaving New York, and I’m more independent than I’ve been in a long time (maybe ever.) 

I don’t feel lonely, resentful, worthless, sad, tired or angry – all emotions that I have experienced on this journey. 

I do not feel defeated, but I do recognize the need to get healthy.  When I look in the mirror I see someone who needs to finish what she started.

It is frustrating and even more embarrassing to admit that I’m still teetering on the 300 pound mark.  It’s difficult to write this post with the knowledge that many people reading have given up hope that I will ever reach a healthy weight, but it would be far more difficult and embarrassing to give up.

Weight-loss is (insert expletive) hard, and at one point a long time ago I was determined to do it no matter how difficult. I promised myself that I would keep trying as long as I had to – even if that meant I’d be trying for the rest of my life.

Those early days of determination that allowed me to shed 100 freaking pounds seem like they’re from a different lifetime. I have spent so much time trying to convince myself that I could go back to my older, healthier ways, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  Dreaming of going back has not helped me move forward one inch.

I realize now that I don’t need to go back to go forward.  What worked to shed weight in 2009 isn’t necessarily what I need to be successful in 2013. Sure, the basics (you know…decent food choices and consistency) are the same, but I don’t need the old Weight Watchers meetings or my old address.  I don’t need my old gym; I have a new one.

What I do need is the strength to say no to crap and yes to a healthier life! What I need is to start eating less junk, more vegetables and burning more calories.

I know what I have to do, and I’m scared that I’ll fail in trying to reach my next milestone (breaking into the 270’s.) Part of me is afraid that I can’t do it, but the rest of me knows that I need to, want to, can and will.

People try and fail all the time.  I am one of those people, and it’s time to try again.

Time moves on regardless of what we choose to do with it. Today I am choosing to love myself enough to pick myself up after falling.

I am keenly aware that it won’t be easy, but I’m also cognizant of the fact that my only hope for a healthy, happy and fulfilled life lies in myself, and I’m claiming it right now.