I like the idea of online dating. In theory, it’s a great way to get to know someone without judgment, but the judgment still happens eventually. It’s delayed, but it’s also inevitable. Can someone really like me before they see me?
At some point, typically in the beginning, you exchange photos, and if you make it through that, there’s still the question of whether or not you’ll have chemistry in person. It’s scary to know that someone might like everything about you except the way you look.
Over the years, I’ve given thought to joining sites like match.com, but I’m far too insecure for that. Sure, I post about the details of my life (including, but not limited to my weight, eating habits and emotions) on the internet. People judge me here too, but I’m not looking for a significant other.
The thought of meeting a single, tall, brainy, emotionally available type who likes Scrabble, reading, travel, going to the gym and eating dessert sometimes seems reasonable to me, but it’s hard to find him, at least in part, because I spend the majority of my time at school, the gym, with friends and at home.
We live in the digital age, and I have often wondered whether or not The Future Mr. Kenz is sitting in a coffee shop somewhere, surfing the net too. That possibility is almost enough for me to sign up for a dating website. After all, I’ve met some incredible people online in the past. Why wouldn’t I do it again now?
Well…When I decided to give it a try recently, everything was going well until I got the section on which I had to describe myself. “Um, well…I’m smart, active, well-groomed, love animals, museums and traveling; I wear dresses and cute shoes…Oh, and I’m obese.” And while sites try to make it easy, describing my weight as “a few extra pounds” just doesn’t suffice. And describing myself as a “BBW” doesn’t cut it either because I definitely do not want to attract a man who has a “BBW” fetish, and those men certainly exist.
The bottom line is that whether I meet someone online or in a traditional sense, my desire is to meet someone who likes me in spite of my size. It does happen occasionally , but I don’t really know if posting a profile on a dating website will increase the chances of that. After all, my body is still the first thing they’ll see (hello, photos.) Then again, maybe putting myself out there will lead to something good. It’s hard to know without trying, but I just don’t think I’m prepared to face my fears on this, at least for now.
This post is not about hating myself or thinking that I don’t deserve love. I know that I deserve to be loved now just as much as smaller people, and after a few extremely difficult years, I remember what it’s like to feel wanted. I no longer feel broken, and I’m enjoying life as a single girl in my little city. I just wonder if there’s a spectacular guy outside of my regular circles who might complement my life if I’m open to it.
Have you ever dated online? If so, how was it? Would you do it again? Do you think it’s easier to meet someone online first than it is to meet in a tradition sense?