Fat, Lazy and Unmotivated

I am blessed in so many extraordinary ways, and I’m thankful for my life.  It’s more comfortable than it has been since I left New York.  In some ways life is better than it was in New York.  I’ve come a long way in getting comfortable in my own skin, and I’m happy most of the time.

After gaining about 25-ish pounds last fall, I started working at taking those pounds off.  I caught myself moving in the wrong direction and stopped myself.  I dropped about half of the weight I gained before getting complacent again.  I’m not gaining weight, but I’m not losing it either.  I know exactly why, and yet I feel so helpless to change it.

The last few weeks have been stressful, and I haven’t made exercise, healthy food or sleep a priority.  I feel like I’ve let everyone down – my trainer, my readers, my family, myself…But I know that the only person who’s really hurt by my choices is me.

I feel like a failure for going through so many ups and downs.  I feel fat, lazy and unmotivated to change it even though I’m making strides in other areas.  I feel defined by my size, and I don’t know how to change it.  Spare me the “calories in, calories out” speech please because I already know how it works.  This is a battle inside my mind.

I know that I need to make quality choices, and I know how amazing I’d feel if I dropped into the 280’s again. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know!  What the hell is my problem?  Am I just a horrible person who is incapable of making any more positive changes?  Obviously, that question is ridiculous, but it’s how I’m feeling.

I’m driving myself crazy with guilt, but the empty feeling I get between the hours of 9 pm and 1 am are more overpowering than my desire to be a better version of myself.  I am going to win this battle, but I don’t know how or when.  I just know that something has to change.  I have to change – to be fit, to be as happy and confident as I can be, to feel worthy of the good things that are happening in my life.

The truth is that I’m afraid.  I’m scared to death that the success that feels like an old, vanishing dream is gone.  How in the heck do I fix this?  How do I convince myself to look at food as something I need to be be healthy as opposed to something I need to make me whole in an emotional sense?  How do I get to a place in which I can do something consistently (other than trying and failing?)

I’m frustrated and feeling like a complete and utter failure.  I have to change this, and I wish I knew how to do it.

*****

Update: As soon as I finished writing this post, I took the elevator down to the bottom floor of my building, and I took the stairs to the top where the gym is.  (It’s hundreds of steps. I lost track.)   By the time I got there, I was warmed up, and I hit it hard.  One workout and one healthy meal following that workout doesn’t change the things I said above, but it’s a tiny step in the right direction.

I’m still pissed at myself, but I’m trying to change it.

 

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32 Comments

  • Reply
    sabrina
    May 9, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    someone told to me to just let it all go… it will all work out..
    when you are beating yourself up you tell yourself you need to be punished. Why? you didnt do anything wrong?

    ever since i started eating intuitive im accepting myself and i feel good about myself. I am one with my mind and body

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      May 9, 2013 at 6:51 pm

      I’m familiar with intuitive eating. I’ve been to seminars about it, but it’s just not something that I can do at this point. I think it’s wonderful that you are doing so well with it though.

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  • Reply
    Becky
    May 9, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Have you been reading my mind? Seriously though, you’re not the only one who goes through this and you WILL prevail. Acknowledging your setback/feelings and asking for help are important steps in the process. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend – don’t beat yourself up.

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  • Reply
    Nanz
    May 9, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    I feel your pain. I’m on a plateau of my own with no motivation to move forward. I borrowed “Eat what you love and love what you eat” from the library a couple of days back n am focussing on intuitive eating as well. I want to be in charge and not in control. The book explains the fine difference. Being in control means there are rules and you need to exercise control in order to be good. Being in charge means you are free to decide, and the decision could be to eat, distract yourself or find out what’s really bothering you. In any case the author says, there is no place for guilt in our lives. We may have regrets and that is okay. For regrets mean we learn from our choices and do things differently. May I suggest allowing yourself some time off with no pressure to comply. And then starting afresh with a bucket full of self love. The fact that this bothers you and you are brave enough to share it with us is for me proof that you are capable of change !

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  • Reply
    Heidi R
    May 9, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    No joke this is the way that i feel everyday. I know what i NEED to do to get where i WANT to be, yet i continually do nothing about it. I start eating better, do great & feel better and then my motivation is gone. I start. I stop. I start. I stop. Rinse, Repeat. My co worker the other day said the exact same thing as the commenter above. Don’t beat ourselves up about it, and just “try” to make healthier choices and somehow it will all work out. It is frustrating for sure and am glad that we are NOT alone in feeling this way.

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  • Reply
    Heather P.
    May 9, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    Wow, I feel like I just read a page from my own diary! This just goes to show you are not alone and there are others out the struggling just the same. Thank you for sharing this struggle you are facing today. Chin up!

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  • Reply
    PJ
    May 9, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    I’m absolutely incredible at eating healthy (until the next meal comes along), my willpower is unbreakable (until it’s tested), and making good choices is always foremost in my mind (until I see a cookie).

    Seriously, I’ve lost and gained the same 30 pounds so many times in the past decade, and it’s all about what’s going on in my head. There are some stretches of time when it’s so easy, the pounds seem to fall off. Then there’s times when I’ll go for the pizza or the ice cream, and even while I’m doing it I know I’m not even hungry anymore, yet I won’t stop. It’s completely a mental battle, and I wish I knew the way to get myself into that highly motivated mindset.

    I hear ya. It’s hard. It’s frustrating. I just wish I could tell you something more helpful than “You’re not alone”.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      May 9, 2013 at 6:52 pm

      Yep. Yep. Yep.

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      • Reply
        Angela
        May 10, 2013 at 8:37 am

        Thank you for sharing, as you can see you speak for many of us. I start I stop and feel often I’m going in a circle but at least I start. I read this some where and place it on my computer I hope it will be helpful to you and anyone else. Learned to talk positive to yourself and stop listening to the negatives things we say to ourselves. You will moved forward days and then sometime back but just keep moving.

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  • Reply
    Amy @ DelightfullyShrinking
    May 9, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    Seriously. It’s like you stole the post I’ve been needing to post to my blog. I was going so strong at the beginning of the year and I made so many promises to myself and my family and my readers. Then things got sticky at my work and my boyfriend abruptly got laid off and I let myself eat my feelings, skip the gym, and stop taking care of myself. Although things are improving regarding those life events, I’m more and more afraid to get on the scale. I feel resigned and sad and pretty damn lonely. I wish I had the magic answer so we could share it. 🙁

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  • Reply
    Shell Baker
    May 9, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    That describes exactly how I felt for months before managing to get myself back on track recently. I blogged for about 2 1/2 months first about how hard it was to get myself in the right place. It’s hard, it’s really, really hard when your head isn’t in the right place. Not a damn thing makes a difference. Keep being honest about it with yourself. Keep reminding yourself that you want to want to do it. It will come back. You have had the feeling before and you will have it again. Once my head was in the right place I made a months meal planner and have shopped accordingly. That means I don’t have the temptation in the house. The most important thing is to keep aware of how you feel, how you want to feel even when you don’t, and to keep working on why.

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  • Reply
    Ryan
    May 9, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    I have been told this is a good resource. http://www.youreatopia.com/support I was once living and acting out a daily pattern of self-abuse through food. It didn’t change all at once, and everyone is different, so advice is probably not useful. Hang in, seek help, be good/kind to yourself, trust you want it enough to find your way.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      May 9, 2013 at 6:52 pm

      Oh Ry, I know you’re right. I just emailed you back too.

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  • Reply
    Tammy
    May 9, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    I’m going through the same thing now, as well. After a crazy binge last night, I decided that today would be better! That’s really all I can do is take it one day at a time. So far, I’ve done really well. Unfortunately, my weakest time is between getting home from work and going to bed. Again, all I can do is make good choices tonight. I created a spreadsheet of some healthy habits I want to adopt, and it goes until the end of this month. At that time, I’ll re-evaluate.

    You can do it, and obviously, you are not alone. We will all get through this together!

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  • Reply
    mary
    May 9, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    oh my dear kenlie
    the fact that you are feeling this way does not make you a failure
    it makes you human
    not one person on this planet is happy where they are in life..not one.
    if they tell you they are the are liars
    there is always room for improvement…more motivation and a renewal of spirit
    you know things all come in time.
    time is what you have , time to reflect and renew
    you know where you don’t want to be
    and you damn sure know where you are going (yay you!)
    rome wasn’t built in a day
    if it was they hired really bad contractors and the whole place would fall apart.
    give your life time….and breathe.
    xo

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      May 9, 2013 at 6:53 pm

      I <3 you, Mary.

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  • Reply
    Patricia
    May 9, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Me too. Stress is my undoing. I am in the middle of a huge house/new town/new life move. I was doing fine until last month. I was tired and hungry. I had not packed a lunch/snacks/water. First it was Starbucks. Then a small sandwich at McD. Next day a larger sandwich, then fries. Next day it was hot out so I said @# I am having small (really) ice cream. Then I realized I had blown a whole week. Refuse to get on the scale. I just let it go. As soon as I am finished moving (about two more weeks) I will start over (again).
    I will prevail. So will you.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      May 9, 2013 at 6:53 pm

      I know all about those adjustments. Hang in there, lady. <3

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  • Reply
    Alexandra
    May 9, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    You know what you need to do, but sometimes it’s hard to motivate yourself to do that, unless it’s something you really, truly want to do. I’d suggest just picking one thing–one thing that you miss doing, one thing that you really loved, and just do that. Whether it’s going to the farmer’s market or a fitness class you liked to take or a route you liked to walk outside, just do that. Forget about all of the other things you *should* be doing. It’s too much pressure.

    When you force a kid to eat his vegetables, he’s going to hate it and dread it. He won’t remember how much he loves brussel sprouts when you’re shoving broccoli and peas down his throat. Sometimes you have to get back to basics. You have to remember what you like in the first place and go from there.

    Chances are, considering the amount of success you’ve had, that there was something you truly loved, something that motivated you–even more than actual weight loss. Find your happy place, and that motivation will return.

    Good luck!

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  • Reply
    Mary
    May 9, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Hi Kenlie, I’m so sorry you’re having such trouble. I also know what that’s like. I don’t know if your overeating is bingeing or not, but there’s a fabulous website called “Brain over Binge”, the author Kathryn Hansen has written her book of the same name, and she quotes a lot of her book (enough to get started on some of her ideas if they speak to you) and there is a comments section that a lot of people use to share their food issues, and to support each other, with specific advice. If you have time, I highly recommend it. Also, many of these same commenters use an intuitive eating approach that some of your commenters above have mentioned.

    I really like what one of your commenters suggestedd about picking one thing to change and really just focussing on that right now. Best of luck to you!!

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      May 9, 2013 at 6:55 pm

      I’m not sitting on my sofa and shoving lots of food down my throat, but I’m eating more calories than I should if I am going to be in losing mode. It sounds like an interesting title, and I will definitely look for it on amazon. Thank you.

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  • Reply
    Em
    May 9, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    Kenlie, I’m a pretty new reader, but I have a lot of compassion for where you’re at right now. I have been there, over and over and over again. If I could tell you anything, it would be to read up on why diets fail—not to discourage yourself, but to get some insight into the fact (and it IS a fact) that what you’re experiencing isn’t your fault. There is a ton of information out there, scattered across fat acceptance/HAES blogs and eating disorder resources and the paleosphere.

    Someone above links to Your Eatopia, which is a fabulous resource. I think you might get something out of this Paleo For Women post, too: http://www.paleoforwomen.com/the-most-common-pattern-of-overeating-and-how-to-stop/. It meant an awful lot to me.

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  • Reply
    Abigail
    May 9, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    I know what you’re going through. I’ve done it many times. But you recognize it and despite all that is happening you are still making choices that are going to keep you in a good place physically (working out) where as when I fall off the wagon I will disappear for 6 months, a year or more and then have regained everything plus more and be like “What have I done?!?!” But guess what, I’m back, again, I have a lot more life to lead, a lot more things to accomplish and I’m not going to let a little thing like cookies get in my way. I liked a lot of the other comments. Just remember, school is stressful, life is stressful, but EVERYTHING is more stressful, when your body has to work twice as hard digesting something you shouldn’t have like alcohol, sugar, wheat, etc. Reducing those foods, not eliminating but really cutting back, plus some meditating, quiet time, or junk tv(works for me)will bring your cortisol levels down and your cravings will become easier to manage. Maybe try something new if it’s boredom that has you snacking, a hobby or nice long bath, or I like to put on my headphones and sing and dance while I do the dishes, I find my mood shifts, I get the blood flowing and my cravings really go away. I get really lonely at night because my hubby works nights so I’ve had to get creative, I haven’t snacked at night for over 6 weeks. Get creative, just not in the kitchen!

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  • Reply
    Susan McDermott
    May 9, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    Yes, you are not alone. I’ve lost and gained the same 25 lbs my whole life. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got my act together and am unstoppable and other times I feel so out of control and wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Don’t ever, ever give up. If what you are doing now doesn’t work, try something new. Maybe a new plan would be helpful. I started 65 lbs heavier and have gone from plan to plan my whole life but I NEVER give up completely. Sometimes I’m in a temporary funk but I will not give up….ever! I’m worth it and so are you!

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  • Reply
    LotusMama
    May 10, 2013 at 12:23 am

    Your post resonates so much with me. I understand your struggle so clearly, as it is also my struggle. I agree: so much of this battle (maybe all of it) is in the mind. Keep on keeping on, Kenlie! You are not alone in your journey.

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  • Reply
    Deborah
    May 10, 2013 at 3:02 am

    Well done – on the steps and getting to the gym. I can relate a lot (like those above). I’m trying to n0t-diet at the moment, but want to do more with my exercise as it’s really slipped. I know I feel better about myself when I exercise. I feel fitter and firmer. There’s nothing worse than feeling flabby – which I do at the moment.

    xx

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  • Reply
    Chris
    May 10, 2013 at 6:34 am

    I read this and I wonder at this very moment if I am glad I started my blog after I was done losing weight. Simply because if I blogged during the time I was losing I would have had to mull around and address these types of feelings in my head. Instead, I had a glass of water and went to sleep exhausted.

    Not to say I want to stop reading what you have, because I really like your blog, and your successes and friend making monday and how you are making me think right now and all that! I just am noticing in myself, through your writing, that we have very different ways of dealing with adversity, or self doubt or whatever you want to call it. You here are addressing it, in your own mind and then out in the public as well. I hid it, I just tucked it away and gave it the finger. I do that a lot, with a whole bunch of things, why air this out when you can just squirrel it away until it’s fixed, and then work like an insane person to fix it.

    Yours is probably a much healthier way.

    To the point though, I wonder if you look at the whole thing not as dieting, not as making yourself workout, but as an integral change. When I was on the losing weight route, I made the gym the #1 thing to do for the day. Not that I did it first, but that I sacrificed whatever it took to get there, sorry can’t do this other thing, I need and hour and a bit for the gym. Once that became ingrained in me after a couple weeks, it wasn’t even an effort anymore, it was just what I did. I was a crappy friend and a non-existent fiancée for the whole time I was dropping the pounds because the gym was first, screw everything else.

    I’ve gone off track I think, point of the matter is, I think everyone from time to time feels like ‘What is the point?’ or ‘Why am I not getting where I want?’ or ‘How do I make this work?’ It’s how you respond to those personal questions that decided if you will succeed. The stairs and the gym and a healthy meal is an excellent pushback to feelings like these!

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      May 10, 2013 at 2:32 pm

      I used to keep allllllllllllll of my feelings bottled up. I couldn’t be honest about anything, and it was lonely and miserable. Now I say too much, but I definitely prefer this route to the previous one. There’s probably balance in that too, but one thing at a time, right?

      I’m glad you’re here. Just saying.

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  • Reply
    Lori
    May 10, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Kenlie, can I made a suggestion? Don’t worry about the gym, just try moving more throughout your day. I understand all of what you said and I have been there. We beat ourselves up. Why? We wouldn’t do that to our friends and family.

    I have sabotaged myself many times over the years. I think I feared success in some way. I didn’t have 100s of pounds to lose, but when I didn’t feel good about myself inside, I would binge eat, hide away at home so no one would see me. If I was fat, no one would look at me. But one day, I just didn’t comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t want to buy size 18 clothes. I wore things that were way too tight because I was in denial. When I went to the doctor’s for my annual physical and found that I was 204 lb. again. A number I hadn’t seen since giving birth to my daughter 10 years ago. I knew I was on a slippery slope. My mom weighs 280 pushing 290. I see her struggle with carrying the weight. I didn’t want that for myself.

    Also I have an injury that prevents me from running from doing anything high impact. I somehow had to find a way to lose the weight w/o going to extremes. I am now 8.8 lbs. from my goal and I didn’t get there slaving away at the gym. I did focus on eating healthy. That’s a huge piece of the puzzle. I walk ALOT. I rescued a dog from Arkansas and I have lost 10 lbs. since getting her in March. I use WW ActiveLink and I earned 65 allowance points last week. When I am at goal I will have lost 45 lbs. You probably think that it’s easier when one has less to lose, but it isn’t. It’s taken me 8 months to get this far. And it will be a couple more months before I get there. But I’m not giving up because in my heart I know I’m worth it and so are you. Like you said, it’s all in your mind.

    I made a huge transformation last May when I did a workshop with a Shamanic counselor named Sandra Corcoran. She wrote a book called, “Between the Dark and The Day Light—Awakening to Shamanism.” http://www.amazon.com/Between-Dark-Daylight-Awakening-Shamanism/dp/1452544026 This workshop was with 12 woman. It included a moon ceremony. Very spiritually moving, I might add. In any event, we all shared our goals and dreams with each other and you know what? I came out of that seminar with so much gratitude for all that I have in my life.
    I went on a two-week spiritual retreat with this woman and 12 other people to Peru/Bolivia last October. It was an awakening for me and a huge turning point in my life. Spirituality is the key to your success. Continue going to that church with your friends if it makes you feel good. Although I am not into organized religion, it is a place for healing for many. I am more of a Pagan and love to embrace nature.

    Listen to your higher self. Meditate, quiet your mind. You signed up for certain things in this life. We don’t learn when life is easy. Just know this is a challenge. Embrace your fat self. And stop looking at her like she’s the devil. What does she have to tell you?

    Please know that you are a beautiful woman, Kenlie, beautiful inside and out. You have a great big heart. You have two parents who love you. You have LOTS of friends who love you.

    My suggestion is to eat healthy, love yourself as you do your friends. Be kind to yourself. Get outside in mother nature and enjoy the gifts she has bestowed on us. Ride your bike. Let the sun shine on your skin. Don’t worry about the people in the gym. What they have to say, if they’re looking at you or anything else.

    Just know you are loved and you are right where you need to be. Right here. Right now. Remember to enjoy this moment. It is a gift. Be present…don’t worry about your next meal. Tomorrow, next week, or next month. Once you do, I promise you feel better about yourself. You will see the light 😉 (I apologize for being so long winded but I had a lot I wanted to share with you.)

    Have a great Friday!

    Sincerely,
    Lori

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      May 10, 2013 at 2:31 pm

      The gym is my absolute favorite part of healthy living, Lori. I LOVE it, but I’ve been going to my gym upstairs v the gym that I usually go to. I think that’s a HUGE part of my struggle right now, but I’ll be back in my gym in about 2 weeks. Until then, I have to do better than I’m doing.

      Thank you for taking time to share so much with me.

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  • Reply
    s
    May 10, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    I think you have it in you to do whatver you want!! You make it clear in your blog how much you love to exercise and personally I think that is key. I don’t watch what I eat, I just exercise a lot and eat when I’m hungry. I also eat vegan so that keeps me in check. I think you have shown you can do it and you will again. You are a gorgeous girl. I don’t think you even need advice, you know what to do and you can do it!!

    Since everyone has been giving advice here is mine- don’t deprive yourself!! Eat lots and lots of veggies. I am ALWAYS eating-i but eating kale, carrots and tomatos!! That stuff fills you up. No one gets fat from binging oon veggies!!

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  • Reply
    Tim
    January 24, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Thanks for having the courage to post your struggle. A couple of quick points that I didn’t see anyone else address. Number one, it’s not your fault. You’re not lazy or gluttonous. Read Gary Taubes’ book. “Why we get fat and what to do about it.” That is simply a must. Losing fat has little or nothing to do with counting calories. Calories in, calories out is dead. The way to go is Paleo, and low carb. Forget govt recommendations, forget conventional wisdom and popular media. Educate yourself on ancestral patterns, get your diet in line with your evolutionary biology. Stop eating processed foods. Eat real food. Meat and vegetables. Forget veganism, vegetarianism. That is a path to sickness and frustration. Forget killing yourself with exercise. Fat loss has little to do with copious amounts of treadmill elliptical stairclimbing nonsense. Just walk at an effortless for as far as you can, and don’t go too fast just take it easy. Go far, not fast. I sincerely hope this helps!

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